To think it’s not fair to say I’ve ‘cancelled 4 times’?

[floorbird]

NC as identifiable.

Fairly new friend, we met via an activity our DC attend. She saw an ad for another activity (for DC but to be honest it’s more of a parent social thing as babies don’t get much out of these things I suppose) and we agreed to go together.

The first time we planned to go to this activity I stupidly mixed the dates up. I have no idea how, I just had it in my head it was on one day but it was the day before. She went, asked what happened and I explained and apologised. We then went to the next one together and had a great time.

The next week, I couldn’t go as I was waiting for PCR results (neg).

The week after that, I had to cancel as I’d been in contact with a covid pos person. Can’t be helped. She went alone. I wondered if she seemed a bit short in her texts but assumed I was imagining it because it’s not like I could do anything about being in contact with a positive person.

The next week (a couple of days ago) I was unable to go because I’d been visiting sister in another city and with the baby being up all night and one thing or another the day got away from me (as it does with a young child!) and I wouldn’t have made it back to the place the activity is on time. I explained this to her and apologised profusely (I understand this would have been really annoying but it couldn’t be helped). She didn’t reply.

I texted her today to arrange us going to the next event together and she said seeing as I’ve cancelled four times she’ll just see me there if I make it. I haven’t cancelled 4 times?! The first time was a genuine mistake. 2nd time was waiting for covid test result. The 3rd time I was isolating. The 4th time yes I will admit I cancelled. But that’s one time. I haven’t replied yet, I’m annoyed that she’s acting like I’ve said ‘can’t be bothered’ 4 times!

AIBU to be annoyed that she’s annoyed? Also it’s not like me not being there means she can’t go or enjoy the event. It’s not as if I had invited her round to mine and then just not answered the door!

• it does make a difference ..

Yabu

You cancelled multiple times. You couldn't help
some of the times but she's perfectly reasonable to not want to attend with you when you're unlikely to turn up. Most people would be at the end of their tether and would go with others in future.

@ringoutthebells

Aw I think you're getting a hard time, OP. I can see why she's pissed off, yes. I would explain this 'I’m finding it hard to get to grips with it' and apologise once more, she might soften a bit.

I think she's getting a hard time because she's asked if it's reasonable to be "annoyed" with her friend's response. That's incredibly blind to her own actions within this, and her friend's perfectly valid and polite response to being messed about repeatedly. Why should OP feel annoyed?! She isn't the one being messed about.

the first one I’m blaming on baby brain!

That's just ridiculous.

Like I said, if you didn't have the baby there would be another excuse as to why you cancelled. People like you see nothing wrong with cancelling last minute, turning up late, forgetting important events etc, and then get arsey when others call you out or stop inviting you along.

@ringoutthebells

Aw I think you're getting a hard time, OP. I can see why she's pissed off, yes. I would explain this 'I’m finding it hard to get to grips with it' and apologise once more, she might soften a bit.

thank you

Her message was factual, not rude.

If you were a new friend who'd mixed up the time of our meeting once, and "let the day get away from you" on another occasion, you would already be filed under "unreliable", let alone the two other occasions. So I'm not surprised she is not making her future arrangements based on you.

@floorbird

NC as identifiable.

Fairly new friend, we met via an activity our DC attend. She saw an ad for another activity (for DC but to be honest it’s more of a parent social thing as babies don’t get much out of these things I suppose) and we agreed to go together.

The first time we planned to go to this activity I stupidly mixed the dates up. I have no idea how, I just had it in my head it was on one day but it was the day before. She went, asked what happened and I explained and apologised. We then went to the next one together and had a great time.

The next week, I couldn’t go as I was waiting for PCR results (neg).

The week after that, I had to cancel as I’d been in contact with a covid pos person. Can’t be helped. She went alone. I wondered if she seemed a bit short in her texts but assumed I was imagining it because it’s not like I could do anything about being in contact with a positive person.

The next week (a couple of days ago) I was unable to go because I’d been visiting sister in another city and with the baby being up all night and one thing or another the day got away from me (as it does with a young child!) and I wouldn’t have made it back to the place the activity is on time. I explained this to her and apologised profusely (I understand this would have been really annoying but it couldn’t be helped). She didn’t reply.

I texted her today to arrange us going to the next event together and she said seeing as I’ve cancelled four times she’ll just see me there if I make it. I haven’t cancelled 4 times?! The first time was a genuine mistake. 2nd time was waiting for covid test result. The 3rd time I was isolating. The 4th time yes I will admit I cancelled. But that’s one time. I haven’t replied yet, I’m annoyed that she’s acting like I’ve said ‘can’t be bothered’ 4 times!

AIBU to be annoyed that she’s annoyed? Also it’s not like me not being there means she can’t go or enjoy the event. It’s not as if I had invited her round to mine and then just not answered the door!

I understand your perspectives op, and yes you've only actually canceled the once, but from the other persons perspectives, it appears you've cancelled the four times, even though things were out of your control, I understand it's frustrating, but it seems that's how they view it.

You sound totally unreliable. She’s probably pissed off with you. I certainly would be and would be giving you a big swerve after that.

You're taking it way too personally. You did cancel. And I would be annoyed too. Even though it is out of your control it is annoying. She's come up with a sensible solution to assume you aren't going to make it takes the pressure off you if you can't go again

@floorbird thinks its all a big joke (if indeed this is for real) - the other mom has to be polite amidst @floorbird flakiness, she has to recognise her greater privilege by dint of having two more children than the OP.. I've not seen @floorbird show any empathy for her 'friend' at all - no recognition of how her actions/inactions impacted on someone else.

Plus it doesn't make a difference if you've arranged to meet someone. She might have had a million reasons to drop out that morning, but she made the effort to be there because she'd agreed to meet you

100% this.

I was a bit flakey when I had my first baby too op. But her reply was fine. You have missed four at short or no notice and she's gone on her own. She was straightforward with you and not rude imo at all. You can flake out all you like. I've done it! But you cannot seriously be taking offence at her message when she's completely correct and was direct and polite with you.

Yabu, sorry

Covid valid reasons

Date mix up - poor organisation

Day getting away from you - can't be arsed to plan life to prioritise this activity.

Baby's are tricky, but seriously this is just poor life management.

Oh and 3 kids makes life a whole lot more complex than just one baby to figure out.

I would have probabably said something similar to her after 4/5 times you haven't made the group.

@zeldaonadreamcloud

Plus it doesn't make a difference if you've arranged to meet someone. She might have had a million reasons to drop out that morning, but she made the effort to be there because she'd agreed to meet you

100% this.

Absolutely.

I've not seen 'floorbird show any empathy for her 'friend' at all - no recognition of how her actions/inactions impacted on someone else*

Me either. Parenting is challenging enough without deliberately pissing off people who could make the experience more enjoyable. I really hope this thread makes you stop and reflect on how this behaviour will impact your child in future but I strongly suspect you don't give a shit.

You cancelled 4 times.

1)You cocked up - your fault
2)Awaiting PCR - couldn't be helped
3)Positive contact - couldn't be helped
4)You let time get away from you - your fault

So two unavoidable, but two that were basically being flaky. Not surprised she's had enough.

OP, can you genuinely not see why she would be a bit annoyed? I mean, really not see it?

You didn't turn up the first time and cancelled 3 more times (2 of them genuine reasons). She hasn't said anything that's not true, you just don't like it. And, this may be a surprise to you, other women with children also know how hard having a baby is ...

Or get everything ready, out with baby napping in the pram, pause for leisurely coffee near the event. Baby up, nappy, event.
This was always my approach – though sling, not pram, as DD was an arsehole. And very often no nappy and no coffee. Just up and out because the minute you think “I’ve got time to mooch at home before leaving for activity”, that’s when your child decides to have a nap battle with you, or shit up their back into their hair, or milk sick all over the sofa. Get up and out, and even if those things happen you sort them on the run.

Maybe the friend say no to other plans a few of these times? And then sat there alone instead of being at place x with someone else doing y?

In this case she can accept other plans if something comes up and go to the venue and potentially meet OP if it doesn’t. I think it should work for everyone.

Well you did cancel 4 times. She's probably got the impression you're very flaky now.

I've not seen 'floorbird show any empathy for her 'friend' at all - no recognition of how her actions/inactions impacted on someone else*

In all honestly this is what's grating on me, too. Being annoyed with someone who you've treated like that when they have a response to it, is very telling about your ability to empathise and understand the impact of your own actions on others. If it were me I'd feel sad about the reply, sure. But I'd totally 100% be expecting it and understand why my friend had said that. It's fair enough and I'd be able to see and reflect on that.

I do see how it’s annoying that I couldn’t make it those times but I don’t think it’s fair to imply that I’ve cancelled for no good reason. I also don’t think it’s fair to avoid continuing our plans to attend this event together because I was unable to make it for a few weeks, when she knows it wasn’t in my control apart from once

Op: AIBU?

97% yes.

Op: no I'm not.

What do you do differently if you go with her rather than seeing her there? Do you wait for each other outside if you arrange to go together, or walk/travel together?

You've also ignored the isolation question. Where are you that you have to isolate ?