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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think it’s not fair to say I’ve ‘cancelled 4 times’?

483 replies

floorbird · 06/03/2022 13:01

NC as identifiable.

Fairly new friend, we met via an activity our DC attend. She saw an ad for another activity (for DC but to be honest it’s more of a parent social thing as babies don’t get much out of these things I suppose) and we agreed to go together.

The first time we planned to go to this activity I stupidly mixed the dates up. I have no idea how, I just had it in my head it was on one day but it was the day before. She went, asked what happened and I explained and apologised. We then went to the next one together and had a great time.

The next week, I couldn’t go as I was waiting for PCR results (neg).

The week after that, I had to cancel as I’d been in contact with a covid pos person. Can’t be helped. She went alone. I wondered if she seemed a bit short in her texts but assumed I was imagining it because it’s not like I could do anything about being in contact with a positive person.

The next week (a couple of days ago) I was unable to go because I’d been visiting sister in another city and with the baby being up all night and one thing or another the day got away from me (as it does with a young child!) and I wouldn’t have made it back to the place the activity is on time. I explained this to her and apologised profusely (I understand this would have been really annoying but it couldn’t be helped). She didn’t reply.

I texted her today to arrange us going to the next event together and she said seeing as I’ve cancelled four times she’ll just see me there if I make it. I haven’t cancelled 4 times?! The first time was a genuine mistake. 2nd time was waiting for covid test result. The 3rd time I was isolating. The 4th time yes I will admit I cancelled. But that’s one time. I haven’t replied yet, I’m annoyed that she’s acting like I’ve said ‘can’t be bothered’ 4 times!

AIBU to be annoyed that she’s annoyed? Also it’s not like me not being there means she can’t go or enjoy the event. It’s not as if I had invited her round to mine and then just not answered the door!

OP posts:

TheMooch · 06/03/2022 14:21

You have to see it from her point of view. You've arranged to go together.

You have cancelled each time.

So to save lots of texts etc she will meet you there if you can make it

She's probably getting to know other people. She probably doesn't know you well enough to 'care' that much. Or workout if you are the type who constantly cancels for no real reason.
She might think you don't want to know her.
She is probably too busy to give a fuck if you turn up or not.

From.what you've said it does not sound personal but more practical for her to just on with things.

zeldaonadreamcloud · 06/03/2022 14:21

Get coffee nearby and then walk together

By God OP, so up to four times this woman has been sitting by herself in a cafe whilst you just don't turn up?!

And you think its 'not fair' that she has given up wanting to be your friend?!

RAOK · 06/03/2022 14:22

I’m not surprised she’s feeling let down and has given up on you. I’d have lost patience with you long before now.

RainbowBridge21 · 06/03/2022 14:22

OP the world moves on without you if you dick around. You dicked around with her so she's moved on and probably found friends who she can actually rely on, there's nothing unfair about her not wanting to put in any more effort with you, she's not there for your entertainment so don't bash her for not wanting to be your friend. You don't even sound like you like her anyway! Why should she wait until you're ready to be a better friend when there's plenty of people out there that don't mess other people around. She has her own life and she wants friends that don't mess around and you've shown not only that you are super unreliable, but also that you have no empathy and couldn't give 2 craps if you mess other people around. You can carry on making silly excuses and clinging on to the 3 people on this thread who agree with you but at the end of the day you're not doing yourself any favours by trying to justify being unreliable.

Flippy87 · 06/03/2022 14:22

You’re flaky. You should recognise it and acknowledge that you’ve put her out and let her down.

Starlightstarbright1 · 06/03/2022 14:22

Honestly op.. she has said she will meet your there. You need to think of it from her pov.. you cancelled 4 times..she has been 5 times. She isn't reliant on you going and is probably settled in their..

You absolutely can still go to the group 2 of the times that group wasn't your priority..

With my first i made plans around the groups i was bothered about. It is far easier to arrange your life with one rather than more.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 06/03/2022 14:23

@KindlyKanga

Get coffee nearby and then walk together Ask her if she wants to get coffee and walk back together once you're there then.

This. And if you show up a few times in a row and you two get on well, you might go back to planning ahead again. But for now, you really do need to try and put yourself in her shoes as you're expecting her to do that when it comes to you but not reciprocating.

NuffSaidSam · 06/03/2022 14:23

@floorbird

I do see how it’s annoying that I couldn’t make it those times but I don’t think it’s fair to imply that I’ve cancelled for no good reason. I also don’t think it’s fair to avoid continuing our plans to attend this event together because I was unable to make it for a few weeks, when she knows it wasn’t in my control apart from once

She hasn't implied anything. This is all to do with your lack of understanding of the word 'cancelled'.

You weren't 'unable' to make it on all of the cancellations. You forgot the first time and chose not to prioritise it the last time.

It was in your control 2 out of the 4 times.

You weren't just unable to make it, you made plans and then cancelled, quite last minute it seems?

After how many cancellations do you think it would be fair for her to prefer to meet you there? 5? 6? 7? How many times should she put up with it before making the very reasonable point that it might be better to just meet there?

Cocycola · 06/03/2022 14:24

I've had experience of a friend continually cancelling arrangements and it does irritate, and make you question making any arrangements with them again. I had a friend fall out with me over calling her out on not holding down any arrangements on a continual basis over several months. She refused to accept why I was annoyed and I refused to accept continually being cancelled on. Don't let this happen between you and your friend, and accept that your friend has a right to be irritated.

On one occasion, your cancellation was fair enough as you were waiting for a pcr result, but you have to admit, it doesn't look good cancelling 4 times, and the fact you don't think you did just reminds me of my old friend's attitude.

WisherWood · 06/03/2022 14:25

I just think to say ‘you’ve cancelled 4 times’ makes it seem like it’s been my fault every time

I think that's just your interpretation of it. Look at it from her point of view. It's a new and developing friendship, so she doesn't know you very well. First time, however good your reasoning, you were flaky. Second and third, whilst not your fault, coming on top of flakiness would make me wary if it were someone I didn't know. And fourth time, again, flaky. I mean I get it's difficult, but still the day got away from you. So yes, if I were her, I would just be saying 'see you there'.

I also don’t think it’s fair to avoid continuing our plans to attend this event together because I was unable to make it for a few weeks, when she knows it wasn’t in my control apart from once

Well she doesn't really know that because she doesn't know you well enough to know you were being honest about the Covid related problems, and the other two times were in your control. Essentially for some people, the whole of their lives seem to be outwith their control. Since she doesn't know you well, her first impressions of you are that you are one of those people who can't be relied upon to have their lives under control.

If you were a friend I'd known for ten years and I knew this was unlike you I'd be asking what was going on. But for an acquaintance? I'd be putting you in the 'chaotic, see you there' camp.

Toddlerteaplease · 06/03/2022 14:25

I have a friend like this. It's really annoying not knowing if plans will go ahead or but as she always cancels at the last minute. I just don't trust her at all any more.

Gizacluethen · 06/03/2022 14:26

@floorbird

Two of the four were your fault. And having to get covid testing twice in two weeks I'd either think you were lying or a liability to be getting in contact with it so much. But if those two were genuinely not your fault. The 4th was absolutely disgusting behaviour on your part. You should have moved heaven and earth to not let her down again. And you didn't. It wasn't convenient, you were doing other stuff so whatever you didn't bother and just let her down again.

Why on earth would she continue making plans with you.

She has three kids to look after, and you're messing her about. You don't get to claim baby brain. She has three kids including a baby around yours' age. She's still made it every time.

needingpeace · 06/03/2022 14:27

I think her reply was fair enough. She doesn’t want to expect you. You’re unreliable. That’s fine. It’s your life but it’s also hers. She gets to not make a plan with you. You can’t have it all ways

Joystir59 · 06/03/2022 14:29

I wouldn't have replied to you with any rudeness, I'd have just kept it light and said I'd hope to see you there if you can make it. I DO however think it was on you to think through your scheduling more carefully in relation to the most recent cancellation, as arrangements with friends are as important as arrangements with family and should be accorded respoecty.

Joystir59 · 06/03/2022 14:29

Respect

needingpeace · 06/03/2022 14:29

The only way to improve this is to turn up every week from now on and become reliable

cherryonthecakes · 06/03/2022 14:31

Last time you obviously cancelled on the day but how much notice did she have for #2 and #3?

She's given you a chance 4 times and it's reasonable that she doesn't want to be a mug and wait for you just in case you decide to turn up. You have been flaky- especially with 1 and 4. She's only a new friend so not a priority for you yet but stop kidding yourself that you're the victim here.

1forAll74 · 06/03/2022 14:32

She is just a random person, and she can go to places on her own if you can't make it to things.. You don't owe her any explanations really. The person can't accept things as they are,and has to comment in an iffy kind of way., but lots of people around who are like her.

Bunny2021 · 06/03/2022 14:32

@DetailMouse

A mum of 3 really doesn't have time to be messed about by people who might or might not turn up and if it made no difference to her when you failed to show, it shouldn't matter to you if you to leave it as you might or might not see her there.

Plus it doesn't make a difference if you've arranged to meet someone. She might have had a million reasons to drop out that morning, but she made the effort to be there because she'd agreed to meet you.

This!!!

I’m a FTM and I get that it’s so hard getting organised at times but why is she going to make plans with you when you’re likely not going to attend.

I think her message is reasonable - she’s just saying she’ll see you there if you can make it. She’s right not to rely on you attending.

StrictlySinging · 06/03/2022 14:32

Well out of five times she has been alone 4 regardless of the reason 🤷‍♀️

I have found that parent / baby groups and related friendships survive where both people are accepting of the fact that meeting can be a bit hit and miss - she needs to take a longer view

Luredbyapomegranate · 06/03/2022 14:33

She’s not saying you cancelled 4 times for no good reason, she’d just saying you cancelled 4 times, which you did.

She’s being a bit abrupt but you are being unnecessarily defensive.

Just text her back and say - yes - the combo of first baby and Covid isolation is hard to manage, but I’m hoping to make it.

No one needs to apologise.

Gardeningdream · 06/03/2022 14:35

I’m also curious where you are thay you had to isolate as you were in contact with someone positive, this was just nine days ago? In England the self isolation rules were already finished.

You don’t seem to wish to take any responsibility for it. Which is kinda odd to be fair. Why not just put your hand up and say yeah you messed her around and it’s fair?

MissMaple82 · 06/03/2022 14:35

Shes being petty
Your not unreasonable at all. Shit happens, friends should understand this. Life doesn't always go to plan. I'd be annoyed at her childish attitude too

luckylavender · 06/03/2022 14:35

You have cancelled 4 times & of them were your fault / choice.

DysmalRadius · 06/03/2022 14:35

The thing is, you're assuming that attending the event is the thing she is focussing on - being stood up by someone four times can be quite an assault on the self esteem. By the fourth time of being stood up, I think anyone would be feeling a bit hurt and as though they are trying to make plans with someone who either isn't actually that bothered about seeing them, or (at worst) who is actively trying to avoid them.

You seem to be very concerned with how she hasn't considered your feelings in being accused of 'cancelling' (which you did) while giving no thought to how she's feeling about you repeatedly not showing up when she was, presumably, looking forward to actually seeing you as well as attending this event.

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