To think it’s not fair to say I’ve ‘cancelled 4 times’?

[floorbird]

NC as identifiable.

Fairly new friend, we met via an activity our DC attend. She saw an ad for another activity (for DC but to be honest it’s more of a parent social thing as babies don’t get much out of these things I suppose) and we agreed to go together.

The first time we planned to go to this activity I stupidly mixed the dates up. I have no idea how, I just had it in my head it was on one day but it was the day before. She went, asked what happened and I explained and apologised. We then went to the next one together and had a great time.

The next week, I couldn’t go as I was waiting for PCR results (neg).

The week after that, I had to cancel as I’d been in contact with a covid pos person. Can’t be helped. She went alone. I wondered if she seemed a bit short in her texts but assumed I was imagining it because it’s not like I could do anything about being in contact with a positive person.

The next week (a couple of days ago) I was unable to go because I’d been visiting sister in another city and with the baby being up all night and one thing or another the day got away from me (as it does with a young child!) and I wouldn’t have made it back to the place the activity is on time. I explained this to her and apologised profusely (I understand this would have been really annoying but it couldn’t be helped). She didn’t reply.

I texted her today to arrange us going to the next event together and she said seeing as I’ve cancelled four times she’ll just see me there if I make it. I haven’t cancelled 4 times?! The first time was a genuine mistake. 2nd time was waiting for covid test result. The 3rd time I was isolating. The 4th time yes I will admit I cancelled. But that’s one time. I haven’t replied yet, I’m annoyed that she’s acting like I’ve said ‘can’t be bothered’ 4 times!

AIBU to be annoyed that she’s annoyed? Also it’s not like me not being there means she can’t go or enjoy the event. It’s not as if I had invited her round to mine and then just not answered the door!

I understand this would have been really annoying but it couldn’t be helped).
I think your understanding of “couldn’t be helped” is probably different to other people’s. I have a flakey friend who is ALWAYS late, quite obnoxiously late too – think 45 mins, not 10 – and she too thinks it “can’t be helped”. I stayed with her once and we arranged to meet a mutual friend at a bar 15 minutes walk away. So 15 minutes ahead of that time I was ready to leave the house. Flaky friend wasn’t dressed, hadn’t had a wee, hadn’t got her things in her bag, and picked up her phone to settle in for a chat with her mum. She blamed it on the day getting away from her too.

If you make plans, show up to them. That way when you genuinely can’t, like waiting for PCR results, you’ve got goodwill credit in the bank. You’ve gone way overdrawn.

I couldn't be bothered with this either. I would also give you up as a lost cause and leave you to mess somebody else about.

You are coming across as very defensive and whingy OP, if I were you I would have a little think about it.

To be honest I’d have suggested just meeting her there if I could make it after the second time of cancelling/not cancelling on her.

The week after that, I had to cancel as I’d been in contact with a covid pos person
This hasn't been in the rules for months, assuming you're vaccinated. You could have taken an LFT and gone anyway.

I’d been visiting sister in another city and with the baby being up all night and one thing or another the day got away from me
This is a really crap excuse, sorry. If this was the only cancellation it would be a bit annoying, but as you'd already cancelled 3 times in a row you should have made the effort not to let the "day get away from you". I would be annoyed too.

She could probably have let the first three go (in fact she did) but that 4th one. Was just so bad. You essentially cancelled on her because you made better plans.

How you can think that's justified because you have a child is beyond me.

I’m finding it hard to get to grips with it
Get a calendar open on your phone, put in appointments with lots of reminders.
On a morning with a class, say it's 10am as most of them are, you plan backwards from 10am. So bag ready the night before, breakfast at 7am, pack up any drinks or snacks, everyone dressed, baby down for nap 8.30 but everything is ready to go. 9.30 baby up, nappy, off out to the activity. Or get everything ready, out with baby napping in the pram, pause for leisurely coffee near the event. Baby up, nappy, event. Write down what you have to do, work out how long stuff takes to do, plan it in including naps.

I wouldn’t make any plans with you again. 🤷‍♀️

I would do the same as your friend. She's not ignoring you but she would rather make her own plans, which is fair enough.

Why have you asked, given that you're so totally sure that YANBU?

YABVU, BTW.

Right, so OP thinks its okay to cancel on people - that's not rude - but they are rude if they point out ' I'll see you if I see you' as they don't know if you will turn up or not.

And OP thinks its easier to make arrangements if you have three kids, rather than one.

OP is just one of these self absorbed people who is just not interested in anyone's perspective but their own, or anyone's needs but their own.

PP, who said the other mum has a lucky escape in avoiding a friendship with OP has it about right.

OP thinks having three children must mean you are organised. The more children you have, the less time you have to 'organise'. OP, did you ever cancel on people prior to having a child?

Get a calendar open on your phone, put in appointments with lots of reminders.

I second this! Any classes or meet ups I have planned go in my phone calendar with a day before plus a 2 hour before reminder. Then I work backwards as to what needs doing by when in order to be ready on time. Unless either DD or I are sick, I'll be there when I say I will.

What do you think the advice would be if your 'friend' posted in AIBU about the same scenario?
A new friend who she'd arranged to attend a baby group with had cancelled on her four weeks out of five. And with explanations like they 'got the wrong day', the covid excuses everyone has used for every social event they want to duck for the last two years (not saying they aren't true for you, but they have been used faslely by loads of people) and because 'the day ran away with them'. She'd be overwhelmingly be told that her friend doesn't see her as a friend, just an acquaintance, that she's been phased out, that she shouldn't put the effort in to someone who isn't as bothered back, that someone so flaky isn't someone to make plans with.
I think her response to you is very sensible. She's not told you to fuck off, just that given how things have panned out so far, she's not going to actively make plans with you any more.

this is my first baby. She has 3 kids so she’s a bit more ‘in the swing of it’ than I am. I’m sure with her first baby she wasn’t as organised as she is now!

Please, if you want to at least stay on civil speaking terms with this lady, do not spout this shit at her.

If you make plans, show up to them. That way when you genuinely can’t, like waiting for PCR results, you’ve got goodwill credit in the bank. You’ve gone way overdrawn

I had a friend like you too OP. I stopped being her friend. Why be friends with someone who messes you about when you can be mates with one of the many, many people who don't?

I didn’t say it was easier (I’m sure it’s not easy!) I just meant this is my first child so I’m finding it hard to get to grips with it whereas she knows what she’s doing by now etc. she seems to just ‘go with it’ whereas I’m finding it hard

But only one of the times you messed her around had anything to do with your child

You're just making excuses for being flaky.

Op, are you sure you've understood what the word cancelling means?
It's when you plan to do something and then don't. The reason is irrelevant for the word itself.
You have taken exception to the word she used, cancelling, when it is literally what you did four times.
You're blathering on this thread about new babies etc are of course valid, but don't change the fact that you cancelled four times. You did.

You cancelled 4 times.

@fairylightsandwaxmelts

I didn’t say it was easier (I’m sure it’s not easy!) I just meant this is my first child so I’m finding it hard to get to grips with it whereas she knows what she’s doing by now etc. she seems to just ‘go with it’ whereas I’m finding it hard

But only one of the times you messed her around had anything to do with your child

You're just making excuses for being flaky.

the first one I’m blaming on baby brain!

agreed! I’m surprised mumsnetters aren’t more understanding of how a baby can make things difficult!

But 3 out of the 4 had nothing to do with the baby.

Each one by themselves was understandable but to cancel 4 times seems like someone is making an excuse not to go.

Aw I think you're getting a hard time, OP. I can see why she's pissed off, yes. I would explain this 'I’m finding it hard to get to grips with it' and apologise once more, she might soften a bit.

A mum of 3 really doesn't have time to be messed about by people who might or might not turn up and if it made no difference to her when you failed to show, it shouldn't matter to you if you to leave it as you might or might not see her there.

Plus it doesn't make a difference if you've arranged to meet someone. She might have had a million reasons to drop out that morning, but she made the effort to be there because she'd agreed to meet you.

You are being unreasonable. (And flakey and unreliable). I think you are pretty lucky she's still willing to meet you there at all tbh. Especially considering you haven't known each other that long, I would have given up on you by now.

I haven’t cancelled 4 times?! The first time was a genuine mistake.

It doesn't matter that the mistake was 'genuine' you still failed to show up, the result was the same for her

2nd time was waiting for covid test result

An indisputable reason, but how much advanced notice did you give her? And once again the result is the same for her, it doesn't matter your reason

The 3rd time I was isolating
Same as second time.

The 4th time yes I will admit I cancelled. But that’s one time.

You cancelled. And from her POV for the fourth time (in a row? I can't quite work out from your OP) you weren't there, and this time with incredibly short notice

I haven’t replied yet, I’m annoyed that she’s acting like I’ve said ‘can’t be bothered’ 4 times!

No she hasn't, she's said you've cancelled - failed to show up to arranged plans for whatever reason. So now rather than make the plans she's just said she'll see you if you make it. That's not rude, it's not telling you not to go or having a go at you. Just that making plans for them to consistent change at the last minute is a frustrating waste of time, so she'd rather not waste her time planning for things that may or may not actually happen and will instead just happily see you if you make it.