To think it’s not fair to say I’ve ‘cancelled 4 times’?

[floorbird]

NC as identifiable.

Fairly new friend, we met via an activity our DC attend. She saw an ad for another activity (for DC but to be honest it’s more of a parent social thing as babies don’t get much out of these things I suppose) and we agreed to go together.

The first time we planned to go to this activity I stupidly mixed the dates up. I have no idea how, I just had it in my head it was on one day but it was the day before. She went, asked what happened and I explained and apologised. We then went to the next one together and had a great time.

The next week, I couldn’t go as I was waiting for PCR results (neg).

The week after that, I had to cancel as I’d been in contact with a covid pos person. Can’t be helped. She went alone. I wondered if she seemed a bit short in her texts but assumed I was imagining it because it’s not like I could do anything about being in contact with a positive person.

The next week (a couple of days ago) I was unable to go because I’d been visiting sister in another city and with the baby being up all night and one thing or another the day got away from me (as it does with a young child!) and I wouldn’t have made it back to the place the activity is on time. I explained this to her and apologised profusely (I understand this would have been really annoying but it couldn’t be helped). She didn’t reply.

I texted her today to arrange us going to the next event together and she said seeing as I’ve cancelled four times she’ll just see me there if I make it. I haven’t cancelled 4 times?! The first time was a genuine mistake. 2nd time was waiting for covid test result. The 3rd time I was isolating. The 4th time yes I will admit I cancelled. But that’s one time. I haven’t replied yet, I’m annoyed that she’s acting like I’ve said ‘can’t be bothered’ 4 times!

AIBU to be annoyed that she’s annoyed? Also it’s not like me not being there means she can’t go or enjoy the event. It’s not as if I had invited her round to mine and then just not answered the door!

After the second time you Cancelled, I probably wouldnt have made any plans with you again- especially as you are a new friend.

YABU.
How has she been rude?
I think she sounds patient and restrained!
Saying '' if I see you there I'll see you there, if I don't no worries '' sounds the perfect response.
Sounds like she still wants to see you but isn't committing to meeting up as you've proven yourself unreliable and dithery.
'' Time got away from me'' is a piss poor excuse sorry, and I say this as someone with two kids who knows how stressful it can be!
Dithery, consistent late people or cancellers really wind me up.

Staying away from s baby group because you are a close contact isn't unreasonable, doesn't matter if the friend was happy to see op or not, other parents might not have been.

You have been flaky twice though. If someone with 3 dc can organise themselves there's no reason you can't with just 1

"The day got away from me" is a classic red flag for a flake. No wonder she is sceptical about your ability to turn up.

YABU

You have cancelled four times. Surely you can understand how flaky that makes you look? From her pov you keep finding excuses, so she probably assumes you’re not that bothered

@katepilar

But OP wants to meet for coffee before the event. So it's not just the event, and the friend being there on her own. With a baby, and another 2 kids, I would need to plan when exactly I had to leave home.

As I understand it it happened once when the OP mixed up the dates but not the other times. To me a message in the evening the day before or any time before I was getting ready to get out of the door would have been fine. If I was sat in the cafe already it wouldnt be the end of the world for me either.

I feel like an alien as everyone on here seems to be feeling very different about it. I wonder if this wasnt a new/ newly forming friendship would you feel the same about it?

If I have made the effort to plan my day around meeting someone - at that age it would have meant altering my child's nap slightly to attend the activity, possibly fitting in cooking/cleaning/shopping at a different time to what is convenient, ensuring all is in place for older children - I damn well would be pissed off if they continually cancelled with short or no notice. Much easier to plan around the scheduled activity I know will happen and have time for all the other things

I personally am not a fan of sitting in a cafe alone for a coffee, I would prefer to have it at home if I am alone. If I am going out, it is for the company.

I feel like an alien as everyone on here seems to be feeling very different about it. I wonder if this wasnt a new/ newly forming friendship would you feel the same about it?

I'd imagine that most people's established friends would have built up a stock of goodwill based on past behaviour. Mine definitely have. Similarly, my 'mummy' friends are actually my colleagues - I know that they're not flaky in general and that if they cancel or are late it's for a good reason.

But someone I'd just met, who didn't make it four times? I'd just not waste the effort of making arrangements with her again. Not even with any real hard feelings; just a sense that I value my time in a way that she clearly doesn't and so we're incompatible for arranged meet-ups.

We're you seriously expecting her to arrange meeting up again next week?
So you could flake out again? Nah

I was unable to go because I’d been visiting sister in another city and with the baby being up all night and one thing or another the day got away from me

That’s such a shit excuse. If I’d been up in the night with a baby, but knew that I’d let a friend down 3 times already, I’d have moved everything so that I didn’t make it a 4th. I wouldn’t have gone out with my sister, or have made damn sure I left early and was back from that in time. Saying the ‘day got away with you’ just means you couldn’t be arsed to prioritise her again.

agreed! I’m surprised mumsnetters aren’t more understanding of how a baby can make things difficult!

well, OP, you have turned out to be one of those posters who is told pretty unequivocally that you are BU and i notice you're only replying to those who agree with you. Par for the course.

But what really stands out for me is your foot stamping "waaahhhh it's not my fault" and the way you describe her reply as rude.
For the first, pp have already explained about these. But one thing i haven't worked out is when you actually flaked on her and let her know?

Her reply? Is excellent. I spend a lot of time reading these forums shouting "use your words" at my screen. Your friend must have heard. She wasn't rude, she was pragmatic and honest. It is refreshing to see that.

FWIW: I would have stopped trying to make arrangements with you after the 3rd time. And my message would have been exactly as you described your friend's message.

I have two flaky friends and now I’ll only make plans with them if I’m prepared to do that activity on my own. Sounds like this friend has put you in that category.

I also don’t think it’s fair to avoid continuing our plans to attend this event together

You sound so entitled, OP. Of course it’s fair for her to avoid continuing your plans, she does not you anything

She's not implying that you've cancelled for no good reason. She's saying that you are a liability because something always seems to come up so she is no longer making plans with you and if she sees you she sees you.

Can't you see how annoying it is for someone to make plans with you and something comes up for one reason or another.

Also your argument of her having 3 kids so is more in the swing of things? What is that about ?! I'm sure the majority of people are able to remember a date/ put it in their calendar. And most of your reasons for cancelling was nothing to do with having a baby or baby brain??

Her reply? Is excellent...She wasn't rude, she was pragmatic and honest. It is refreshing to see that

Agreed.

Look, you have one good reason - waiting for a PCR result - and three bullshit excuses. Unless this woman is stupid, she will have deduced that this potential friendship really doesn’t mean that much to you and so she is understandably calling time on it now rather than waiting around to be let down by you over and over again. It’s what anyone with an ounce of self-preservation would do.

I doubt anyone here hasn’t got the date wrong at least once

I have occasionally got dates in a bit of a muddle, yes. Very occasionally. I've then always corrected that as soon as I've realised and been apologetic. If I've messed anyone around I've been very, very careful to make sure I'm there the next time, if they give me a second chance.

What I absolutely haven't done is dicked somebody around four times, blamed everybody but myself, and then accused the person I've dicked around of being rude.

“….and one thing or another the day got away from me (as it does with a young child!) and I wouldn’t have made it back to the place the activity is on time.”

Definition of flakiness.

You need to own it and stop making endless excuses and be grateful new friend is still happy to meet up with you at the activity.

You can choose to be right about everything but with few friends or accept that sometimes your shit affects other people. 🤷🏻‍♀️

She sounds like the sort of person I'd want as a friend. She's still willing to give you another try. Send her some flowers and try to make things up your her.
I once got dropped by a mum friend after 4 years of weekly meet ups because I stood her up in the park because my car had a puncture.

I was ready to gently tell you it wasn't your fault per se but yes you have been unreliable. But then you said this

"this is my first baby. She has 3 kids so she’s a bit more ‘in the swing of it’ than I am. I’m sure with her first baby she wasn’t as organised as she is now!"

And I just think you're a bit self absorbed and thoughtless. You think having 1 is harder than 3? Wise up and face the fact she barely knows you but you've done nothing to make her think you're in any way reliable. She has 3 kids, she doesn't need to waste time wondering if you'll bother to be there when she could just see you there without having to factor you in to her plans.

1st time your fault.
2nd & 3rd bad luck.
4th time your fault.

4th time you were just rude, you're an adult, time doesnt just run away with you. Would you have missed a doctor's appointment? No. Because you would have made it important to make time for it.

How much notice did you give her for the 2nd, 3rd & 4th time?

The thing you're missing OP is that this is a new friend/potential friend that doesn't have any track record with you to know whether you're reliable.

Accept that you've cancelled four times at least of which were your fault.

It may take the OP a while to reply - scanning through 100's of YABU messages to find the 3 that state they agree with her to cherry pick put takes time....

Also you're coming across as incredibly whiney and huffy with all the "but it's not my fault!"

By her message I'd assume she's much more mature than you and just can't be bothered with the hassle of organising anything with you

You cancelled four times - fact

She wasn’t rude - she told the truth, which is that because you have cancelled four times she will just see you there. That’s perfectly fine,

She finds you unreliable, based on the four cancellations. Which is fair enough. Just because the truth hurts, doesn't make it rude.

You’re flaky, I’d be miffed too.