To think it’s not fair to say I’ve ‘cancelled 4 times’?

[floorbird]

NC as identifiable.

Fairly new friend, we met via an activity our DC attend. She saw an ad for another activity (for DC but to be honest it’s more of a parent social thing as babies don’t get much out of these things I suppose) and we agreed to go together.

The first time we planned to go to this activity I stupidly mixed the dates up. I have no idea how, I just had it in my head it was on one day but it was the day before. She went, asked what happened and I explained and apologised. We then went to the next one together and had a great time.

The next week, I couldn’t go as I was waiting for PCR results (neg).

The week after that, I had to cancel as I’d been in contact with a covid pos person. Can’t be helped. She went alone. I wondered if she seemed a bit short in her texts but assumed I was imagining it because it’s not like I could do anything about being in contact with a positive person.

The next week (a couple of days ago) I was unable to go because I’d been visiting sister in another city and with the baby being up all night and one thing or another the day got away from me (as it does with a young child!) and I wouldn’t have made it back to the place the activity is on time. I explained this to her and apologised profusely (I understand this would have been really annoying but it couldn’t be helped). She didn’t reply.

I texted her today to arrange us going to the next event together and she said seeing as I’ve cancelled four times she’ll just see me there if I make it. I haven’t cancelled 4 times?! The first time was a genuine mistake. 2nd time was waiting for covid test result. The 3rd time I was isolating. The 4th time yes I will admit I cancelled. But that’s one time. I haven’t replied yet, I’m annoyed that she’s acting like I’ve said ‘can’t be bothered’ 4 times!

AIBU to be annoyed that she’s annoyed? Also it’s not like me not being there means she can’t go or enjoy the event. It’s not as if I had invited her round to mine and then just not answered the door!

@morechocolateneededtoday

I am astounded anyone can be so self centred to not only fail to see the situation from the perspective of the other person, but once this has been pointed out, still sit whining how unfair it is for them.

You have cancelled 4 times. Fact. Two of those times were not in your control and it was sensible not to attend but I would place bets on the fact that you didn't have the decency to give her as much notice as possible.

IME it is the same people who do this again and again. Sometimes it is bad luck and circumstances out of their control but the others are just them being flakey as you have been 50% of the time for this poor woman. There is one girl in our group who does this too; half the time it is totally genuine and she certainly has been unlucky at times but there are so many times where she decides at the last minute she is too tired, tries to squeeze too much in so doesn't make it etc. We know she is like this so when making plans, we usually don't change the dates just for her (we meet on a fixed date) but just enjoy her company when she does come as she is lovely. Fortunately we are in a group so one of us is not left stood up alone.

To try use the reasoning that someone with multiple children should be better shows how utterly selfish you are, you clearly don't have the faintest idea. For her sake, I hope she sees this thread, recognises the situation and stops bothering with you. If this many people can't help you see the error of your ways, nothing will change

If I was the "other person" I would have just gone into the activity if I wanted to. I wouldnt blame the other person for not being able to come/mixing up the dates once.

Actually for me the other person's rude message is kind of childish. I dont get what I want so I take it out on the other person.

I don't think her message is rude at all, it's completely factual. I'm surprised you think she's the one being rude when actually your 4th excuse was the really rude one. I can just about understand the first three but I'd have thought that having to (understandably) cancel three times you'd have bloody well made sure you made it on the 4th time. Your "day got away" from me excuse just seems a bit lame given the circumstances.

I've had two DC and met a couple of other mums like you during mat leave OP. It's not that I don't like them, I do and we had a nice time if we saw each other but I certainly wouldn't be making any firm plans with someone so flaky.

She wasn't rude. She might have been disappointed.

You've made it abundantly clear she is not high priority to you. She probably thought she was building a friendship. That fourth reason for not attending is just shocking when it's your only child - she has committed to turning up during her busy schedule around other children!

I think you've been rude and inconsiderate and can't see past the end of your nose. The best thing to do would be turn up consistently from now on if you actually want to be mates.

[quote KindlyKanga]@floorbird she's actually been quite polite. Rude would have been "look don't bother you keep standing me up and leaving on my own with made up excuses so I've made friends there and you do what you want" or something like that. She hasn't said anything that makes me think she doesn’t take your covid excuses seriously. If anything she is releasing you from feeling any obligation or pressure to turn up next time if something else crops up.[/quote]
Actually I think that’s still quite polite.

Rude would have been “you having a laugh, fuck off”

If I was the "other person" I would have just gone into the activity if I wanted to. I wouldnt blame the other person for not being able to come/mixing up the dates once.

Where has the friend blamed the OP? She's just changed the plans because the OP keeps cancelling, and instead of meeting the OP beforehand, she's just going to meet her at the activity.

But you have cancelled 4 times.

She hasn’t been rude, you’ve been rude. Bad behaviour has consequences, as you’ve just learnt. I think she’s being very polite actually.
Because of your behaviour she doesn’t care if you come or not, life doesn’t stop for you.

Erm, I'd be a bit with your friend, sorry OP. A family member cancels on me so much, for all manner of 'valid' reasons that I don't like to rely on her. Your first reason was a bit annoying, second fair enough, the third I'd have preferred you to ask me if I minded you having been in contact with someone with Covid, and I would have said No. The fourth time sounds like bad organisation as you were never going to feel like going to the activity and could have let her know in advance that you weren't around.

Rude would have been “you having a laugh, fuck off”

Regardless of the reasons you are unreliable, she is not being unreasonable not to count on you being there.

@floorbird

I do see how it’s annoying that I couldn’t make it those times but I don’t think it’s fair to imply that I’ve cancelled for no good reason. I also don’t think it’s fair to avoid continuing our plans to attend this event together because I was unable to make it for a few weeks, when she knows it wasn’t in my control apart from once

If you were dating and your date arranged to meet up but then cancelled/forgot 4 out of 5 times, wouldn't you bin them off as a lost cause?

If not, then you are letting him/her take advantage of you and giving them the impression that their priorities and time are more important than your own.

I'd have preferred you to ask me if I minded you having been in contact with someone with Covid, and I would have said No.

This is a good point. I'd have said no, too. Did you ask her this, OP?

@floorbird

I haven’t left her sitting at the cafe waiting for me 4 times, just the first time which I’ve explained I didn’t realise I was doing because I got the dates mixed up, I doubt anyone here hasn’t got the date wrong at least once

Okay, but you can see why she does not want to commit to meeting you when she has actually been left sitting in a cafe by herself not knowing what was going on as you just did not turn up, then you cant' make the next three times either, once because you are following a covid rule that is no longer in place and another because you failed to organise yourself to make it. You can surely she why she did not want to go to the effort of making a pre-coffee when she must have lost all confidence you would actually make the appointment?

As another PP put it well, She doesn't exist for your possible presence

You are lucky she is talking you at all really. If she sees this thread I doubt she will. Your self-entitlement is extraordinary.

First excuse sends the message your arrangement wasn't important to you. Second you could have told her before the arrangement you had a PCR test. If you waited to cancel that's rude Third reason should have been negotiated as that's not a rule anymore, fourth reason she's not a priority. Again. You seem to be making excuses that it wasn't your fault, but...it was. Totally fair to say you've cancelled

You seem to think though that anything you do 'can't be helped' you mixed the dates up - that can be helped and the time 'getting away from you' can be helped if you look at a clock. After you'd already let her down 3 out of 4 weeks due to mixing up dates and covid things you really should have made more effort, you sound like one of those flaky people who think their time is more important than anyone else's. I'd be totally pissed off too, it's really rude.

If I was the "other person" I would have just gone into the activity if I wanted to. I wouldnt blame the other person for not being able to come/mixing up the dates once

This is exactly what the other person is doing. What she does NOT want to do is meet OP for a coffee first being as she has not confidence OP will actually turn up.

You are unreliable, so she doesn't want to make plans with you. She's totally fair to do that.

If I was the "other person" I would have just gone into the activity if I wanted to. I wouldnt blame the other person for not being able to come/mixing up the dates once

She did attend the activity by the sounds of it, she just doesn’t want to arrange going for a coffee with the OP for a 6th time, you can hardly blame her.

But OP wants to meet for coffee before the event. So it's not just the event, and the friend being there on her own. With a baby, and another 2 kids, I would need to plan when exactly I had to leave home.

As I understand it it happened once when the OP mixed up the dates but not the other times. To me a message in the evening the day before or any time before I was getting ready to get out of the door would have been fine. If I was sat in the cafe already it wouldnt be the end of the world for me either.

I feel like an alien as everyone on here seems to be feeling very different about it. I wonder if this wasnt a new/ newly forming friendship would you feel the same about it?

*If I was the "other person" I would have just gone into the activity if I wanted to. I wouldnt blame the other person for not being able to come/mixing up the dates once.

Actually for me the other person's rude message is kind of childish. I dont get what I want so I take it out on the other person.*

@katepilar where exactly has she blamed OP or been rude? She has continued to go to the activity alone exactly as you suggested and simply stated that as OP is not able to make it so often (cannot dispute this), she will meet OP there if she decides to attend. Very polite and diplomatic given how flakey the OP is.

If I were her I wouldn't bother with you any more. You've been flaky and happy to waste her time and now you're kicking off because she's quite accurately pointed this out. I hope she finds better friends.

You're flaky and don't accept this about yourself

Used to have a colleague who was always up for making big work social plans and then never, ever, ever showed up. Her reasons always seemed so genuine, so so sorry; funnily her Facebook is stuffed with her doing other stuff she managed to get to. It became pretty clear she just didn't want to socialise with us. Completely fine, but weird not to just decline politely.

Is that what's really going on with you op?

As I understand it it happened once when the OP mixed up the dates but not the other times. To me a message in the evening the day before or any time before I was getting ready to get out of the door would have been fine. If I was sat in the cafe already it wouldnt be the end of the world for me either.
You’re really OK with being stood up, then cancelled on three times in a row, and would want to serve yourself up for a fifth time? Did you have your backbone-ectomy on the NHS, or private?

I would be thinking that you’re pretty unreliable op and you have cancelled 4 times so what’s unreasonable about saying it?

@zeldaonadreamcloud

If I was the "other person" I would have just gone into the activity if I wanted to. I wouldnt blame the other person for not being able to come/mixing up the dates once

This is exactly what the other person is doing. What she does NOT want to do is meet OP for a coffee first being as she has not confidence OP will actually turn up.

Yes I agree this is what they are doing!