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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think it’s not fair to say I’ve ‘cancelled 4 times’?

483 replies

floorbird · 06/03/2022 13:01

NC as identifiable.

Fairly new friend, we met via an activity our DC attend. She saw an ad for another activity (for DC but to be honest it’s more of a parent social thing as babies don’t get much out of these things I suppose) and we agreed to go together.

The first time we planned to go to this activity I stupidly mixed the dates up. I have no idea how, I just had it in my head it was on one day but it was the day before. She went, asked what happened and I explained and apologised. We then went to the next one together and had a great time.

The next week, I couldn’t go as I was waiting for PCR results (neg).

The week after that, I had to cancel as I’d been in contact with a covid pos person. Can’t be helped. She went alone. I wondered if she seemed a bit short in her texts but assumed I was imagining it because it’s not like I could do anything about being in contact with a positive person.

The next week (a couple of days ago) I was unable to go because I’d been visiting sister in another city and with the baby being up all night and one thing or another the day got away from me (as it does with a young child!) and I wouldn’t have made it back to the place the activity is on time. I explained this to her and apologised profusely (I understand this would have been really annoying but it couldn’t be helped). She didn’t reply.

I texted her today to arrange us going to the next event together and she said seeing as I’ve cancelled four times she’ll just see me there if I make it. I haven’t cancelled 4 times?! The first time was a genuine mistake. 2nd time was waiting for covid test result. The 3rd time I was isolating. The 4th time yes I will admit I cancelled. But that’s one time. I haven’t replied yet, I’m annoyed that she’s acting like I’ve said ‘can’t be bothered’ 4 times! Confused

AIBU to be annoyed that she’s annoyed? Also it’s not like me not being there means she can’t go or enjoy the event. It’s not as if I had invited her round to mine and then just not answered the door!

OP posts:
Skippingabeat · 06/03/2022 14:51

@floorbird

I do see how it’s annoying that I couldn’t make it those times but I don’t think it’s fair to imply that I’ve cancelled for no good reason. I also don’t think it’s fair to avoid continuing our plans to attend this event together because I was unable to make it for a few weeks, when she knows it wasn’t in my control apart from once
Why do you want to "attend this event together"? It seems that you just want to make sure she's there when you go so you're not in the awkward position she found herself in when she went on her own. Also, by now she has probably made other friends there and might not be interested in you being there anymore.
KindlyKanga · 06/03/2022 14:51

@floorbird

I haven’t left her sitting at the cafe waiting for me 4 times, just the first time which I’ve explained I didn’t realise I was doing because I got the dates mixed up, I doubt anyone here hasn’t got the date wrong at least once
What is the actual problem OP? What is wrong with what she is doing? It means you don't have to worry if you don't make it next time. If you do make it you can see if she's there and meet her there.
katepilar · 06/03/2022 14:52

I am with you, OP. I dont understand why she was so rude to you. Its not like you mixed up the dates four times or decided to back out because something better has come up.
Its ok for her to be a bit upset that you cant make it to the activity but its not like its preventing her to go in anyway.

KindlyKanga · 06/03/2022 14:53

@katepilar what bit was rude?

thevassal · 06/03/2022 14:54
  1. Your fault
  2. Not your fault
  3. Technically not your fault....but people haven't had to isolate after being in close contact with a positive case since at least November so how long ago/spread out were these events? Or could you technically have gone but were being (over?)cautious?
  4. Your fault (and sounds like you didn't let her know until quite late?)

Plus bearing in mind you are only new friends so as far as she knows 2 and 3 could have been you fibbing or making up excuses.

Really by time 4 you already knew you'd let her down 3 times already so most people would have ensured that they would be there no matter what. Whereas you "let time get away with you" which is a pretty poor excuse anyway let alone to someone you've already let down 3 times recently!

She hasn't told you "no you're unreliable and untrustworthy so fuck off ill just go on my own" which might warrant offence, or giving you a taste of your own medicine by cancelling last minute on you, she's just said she'll see you there if you go but isn't making any definite plans incase you disappoint her. Which is fair enough.

Just go, apologise again for the last few times, and if you keep to any further agreements you make she will find in time that you're not flaky and just had a run of bad luck.

SofiaSoFar · 06/03/2022 14:55

I’m a FTM...

Off topic a bit but what's that?

LovelyRita1 · 06/03/2022 14:56

FTM = First Time Mum

SofiaSoFar · 06/03/2022 14:56

@LovelyRita1

FTM = First Time Mum
Thank you!

So obvious. Blush

Original poster
floorbird · 06/03/2022 14:57

@katepilar

I am with you, OP. I dont understand why she was so rude to you. Its not like you mixed up the dates four times or decided to back out because something better has come up. Its ok for her to be a bit upset that you cant make it to the activity but its not like its preventing her to go in anyway.
thank you, exactly!
OP posts:
Sally872 · 06/03/2022 14:57

You have cancelled 4 times, what else would you call it?

Yes she can still go, but I much prefer baby classes if I get a good chat with an adult too.

She hasn't been rude just saying she will see you if there rather than expect to see you. She probably was patience until the latest cancellation which really was you prioritising something else, you should have gave some notice or ideally moved those plans to a different day.

NuffSaidSam · 06/03/2022 14:57

@floorbird

I haven’t left her sitting at the cafe waiting for me 4 times, just the first time which I’ve explained I didn’t realise I was doing because I got the dates mixed up, I doubt anyone here hasn’t got the date wrong at least once
Of course, we've all made mistakes with dates. I bet a lot of people here have suffered with baby brain/letting the day run away with them. We've all probably had to cancel stuff due to covid.

But, for the most part, we've understood that means we've cancelled stuff and let people down. That other people were inconvenienced. We were sorry about that.

The problem here is your 'wahh, wahh, it's not fair, she's mean' response. Grow up. Admit you were wrong, apologise and meet her at the place like she suggested. Stop making excuses and acting like a spoilt teenager.

MolkosTeenageAngst · 06/03/2022 14:57

It doesn’t matter that you haven’t left her sat at the cafe every time, you’ve still changed plans 4 times out of the 5 times she’s arranged to meet you. Each of those times she could have arranged to do something else before the activity but presumably you are cancelling with only a day or two’s notice each time which isn’t necessarily enough notice for her to plan something or someone else into that time. I can see why she doesn’t want to commit to meeting you at that time considering you’ve only actually met her 1 out of the 5 planned times, it frees up an extra hour or two on her calendar every week where she can plan to do something with someone who’s proved themselves more reliable than you have so far.

You can still attend the group and meet her there so honestly I think you are being a bit precious about this coffee beforehand. Just meet her at the activity and then in a month or two when you’ve shown you are attending reliably see if she wants to meet beforehand again. It’s not a big deal.

Skippingabeat · 06/03/2022 14:57

@katepilar

I am with you, OP. I dont understand why she was so rude to you. Its not like you mixed up the dates four times or decided to back out because something better has come up. Its ok for her to be a bit upset that you cant make it to the activity but its not like its preventing her to go in anyway.
But OP wants to meet for coffee before the event. So it's not just the event, and the friend being there on her own. With a baby, and another 2 kids, I would need to plan when exactly I had to leave home.
Figgygal · 06/03/2022 14:57

Have you cancelled 4 times
No
But youve failed to make an arranged appointment 4 times so not really surprise she's not trusting you to be genuine about further meet ups

luxxlisbon · 06/03/2022 14:58

It isn’t rude though, she just doesn’t want to count on you going in future which considering you only attended together 1 out of 5 times seems fair enough. She implied she had no issue with you and would happily see you there in future if you attend, she’s just not commuting any time to actually going with you.

Adjusting to a baby is hard but so is putting yourself out there and trying to meet mum friends which is the position she is in. I’m on mat leave too and I couldn’t be bothered to arrange things with someone who may or may not go, that isn’t rude.

Her text hasn’t actually changed your life, if you make it the next time you can ask if she wants to go for a walk after if you’re still interested in fostering a friendship.

Whydoesthecatalwaysdothat · 06/03/2022 14:58

@floorbird

I haven’t left her sitting at the cafe waiting for me 4 times, just the first time which I’ve explained I didn’t realise I was doing because I got the dates mixed up, I doubt anyone here hasn’t got the date wrong at least once
Is this someone you do all the time then, Op?

It does sound like she is better off without you.

Let's hope she's on MN!

KindlyKanga · 06/03/2022 15:00

@floorbird she's actually been quite polite. Rude would have been "look don't bother you keep standing me up and leaving on my own with made up excuses so I've made friends there and you do what you want" or something like that. She hasn't said anything that makes me think she doesn’t take your covid excuses seriously. If anything she is releasing you from feeling any obligation or pressure to turn up next time if something else crops up.

GreenWheat · 06/03/2022 15:00

You need to rebuild a bit of a routine if you genuinely do want to do this activity with her. Leave it as "see you there" for the next couple of weeks, and then suggest actually "going together" again after that. You don't know each other that well so she is probably thinking you're not that keen on the activity but don't want to tell her.

SpaghettiNotCourgetti · 06/03/2022 15:00

@katepilar

I am with you, OP. I dont understand why she was so rude to you. Its not like you mixed up the dates four times or decided to back out because something better has come up. Its ok for her to be a bit upset that you cant make it to the activity but its not like its preventing her to go in anyway.
So how many times does OP get to flake out on this poor woman before she's justified in saying 'Let's just see each other if we see each other'?
BeHappy91818 · 06/03/2022 15:02

You have cancelled 4 times. She hasn’t been rude. You need to sort yourself out a bit more and stop blaming the baby. It’s a shit excuse.

KindlyKanga · 06/03/2022 15:02

Actually she's being VERY polite, you've cancelled 3 times and stood her up once!

SpiderVersed · 06/03/2022 15:04

I think she’s been very restrained seeing as you’ve only turned up once out of five occasions.

Two were you being flaky, two covid related. I can see why she can’t be doing with it.

PatchworkElmer · 06/03/2022 15:05

You’ve attended 1 out of 5 classes? And 2 for reasons that most definitely ARE in your control. I’d feel the same as her tbh.

kungfupannda · 06/03/2022 15:05

I don't think she's being unreasonable, particularly since you say the plan has previously been to meet for coffee elsewhere and then walk there together. She's just saying she'll see you there instead, which is probably sensible, given the history.

The problem you have is that she has no idea whether you're usually a reliable person, or if you're someone who constantly cancels/doesn't turn up. I had a friend who was incredibly flaky. Some of it was down to poor organisation skills, but some of it wasn't really her fault as such - she ran her life in a way that meant it didn't take much for something to go wrong, with a knock-on effect on a load of other stuff. Unfortunately, as time went on, it became harder and harder to separate the flakiness from things genuinely beyond her control, and to some extent it stopped mattering. The effect of it all as a whole was that I was reluctant to make any sort of arrangements with her, and the friendship faded.

On the other hand, I have other friends who are generally reliable but who have gone through tricky times, or just had a run of bad luck, and it's never occurred to me to get annoyed with them, because the friendship has an established pattern of reliability.

If it had been just the Covid-related cancellations, she probably wouldn't have taken issue with it, but add on two instances of forgetting/losing track of time, and you can't blame her for assuming you're just unreliable. The other two no-shows may even have made her doubt the truthfulness of the Covid-related explanations. She doesn't know you well enough to give you the benefit of the doubt, and there's a lot of doubt!

Flippy87 · 06/03/2022 15:06

OP you don’t seem to want to listen to the vast majority of posters who think yes, YABU and rude. You are intent on believing in fact she is rude, which I think is quite telling.