To think it’s not fair to say I’ve ‘cancelled 4 times’?

[floorbird]

NC as identifiable.

Fairly new friend, we met via an activity our DC attend. She saw an ad for another activity (for DC but to be honest it’s more of a parent social thing as babies don’t get much out of these things I suppose) and we agreed to go together.

The first time we planned to go to this activity I stupidly mixed the dates up. I have no idea how, I just had it in my head it was on one day but it was the day before. She went, asked what happened and I explained and apologised. We then went to the next one together and had a great time.

The next week, I couldn’t go as I was waiting for PCR results (neg).

The week after that, I had to cancel as I’d been in contact with a covid pos person. Can’t be helped. She went alone. I wondered if she seemed a bit short in her texts but assumed I was imagining it because it’s not like I could do anything about being in contact with a positive person.

The next week (a couple of days ago) I was unable to go because I’d been visiting sister in another city and with the baby being up all night and one thing or another the day got away from me (as it does with a young child!) and I wouldn’t have made it back to the place the activity is on time. I explained this to her and apologised profusely (I understand this would have been really annoying but it couldn’t be helped). She didn’t reply.

I texted her today to arrange us going to the next event together and she said seeing as I’ve cancelled four times she’ll just see me there if I make it. I haven’t cancelled 4 times?! The first time was a genuine mistake. 2nd time was waiting for covid test result. The 3rd time I was isolating. The 4th time yes I will admit I cancelled. But that’s one time. I haven’t replied yet, I’m annoyed that she’s acting like I’ve said ‘can’t be bothered’ 4 times!

AIBU to be annoyed that she’s annoyed? Also it’s not like me not being there means she can’t go or enjoy the event. It’s not as if I had invited her round to mine and then just not answered the door!

two

You seem to be viewing it all from your perspective with no thought on how precious her free time is with three kids.

I have three kids. It's infinitely easier than 1 unless that 1 child has an additional need (or mum has).

She's planned something to help develop your friendship and you keep making rubbish excuses.

I don't blame her for backing away because I would too. She doesn't exist for your possible presence. If you don't turn up she'll make other arrangements.

You need to up the effort if you're to keep this friend.

@MissMaple82

Shes being petty Your not unreasonable at all. Shit happens, friends should understand this. Life doesn't always go to plan. I'd be annoyed at her childish attitude too

Maybe you and the op could be friends and just repeatedly stand each other up? 😂

Op, you're one of the posters who asks for opinions but doesn't want to hear what people are actually saying.

Your friend is right. You have cancelled four times. Perhaps you should consider that you are the one who has been rude and flakey. Most of us would have reacted in the same way.

If you can't get yourself organised with a baby in tow then stop arranging to meet up with people. It's not hard.

Yabu!!!

Her only experience of you is flakey and non committal- I can totally see her pov.
You need to show up from now on if you're bothered on this friendship. Friendships take time and effort to develop trust.
Stop moaning and being so entitled.

Well reasons 1&4 are totally due to your poor time management/organisational skills!

I can’t be arsed with flakey people either, she’s not done anything wrong!

@DontLookBackInAnger1

You seem to be viewing it all from your perspective with no thought on how precious her free time is with three kids.

I have three kids. It's infinitely easier than 1 unless that 1 child has an additional need (or mum has).

She's planned something to help develop your friendship and you keep making rubbish excuses.

I don't blame her for backing away because I would too. She doesn't exist for your possible presence. If you don't turn up she'll make other arrangements.

You need to up the effort if you're to keep this friend.

I meant having 1 is infinitely easier than 3, of course

@MissMaple82

Shes being petty Your not unreasonable at all. Shit happens, friends should understand this. Life doesn't always go to plan. I'd be annoyed at her childish attitude too

That you, OP?

friends should understand this

She's not the OPs friend though, the poor women despite her efforts has not been able to spend enough time with the OP for them to get to that stage.

The rest of your post is also totally nonsensical. Yes life happens but I don't think she can be accused of being childish. Sticking around and expecting the OP to change is unrealistic so she's being a sensible grown up and deciding her time is more important to be left waiting in a coffee shop 4 weeks running.

@Gardeningdream

She thought you were doing this "thing" together. So far that's only happened once out of 5 times. 2 times were due to covid, 2 were because you got the date muddled/were busy doing something else.
She's adjusted in her head now to she'll attend the "thing". If she sees you there, that's fine. But from her pov, she's no longer counting on you to attend it with her.
Not sure that you have anything to be annoyed about.
Go along, see her there. Show her you're not a flake (if you're not).

The first time and last were your fault.
The last time you should have moved heaven and earth to see her after letting her sit in a coffee shop by herself waiting for you.. Four times.
You're an acquaintance to her and coming across as really flakey, I'm not surprised she just wants to meet you there from now on.

Why can't you just accept that it's been annoying for her, and so she prefers not to go with you? It makes sense to everybody but you. You cancelled and have shown yourself to be unreliable, therefore she does not want to waster her time. She doesn't have to be "fair", but IMO she has been more than fair, because she has agreed three times more to give it a go after you were flaky the first time.

@1forAll74

She is just a random person, and she can go to places on her own if you can't make it to things.. You don't owe her any explanations really. The person can't accept things as they are,and has to comment in an iffy kind of way., but lots of people around who are like her.

What?! OP stood this woman up the first time. Then cancelled three times, including once because she arranged something else (visiting her sister). This woman showed up for the plan, which entailed setting off earlier than necessary if just doing the activity, and bought herself 4 coffees that she ended up drinking alone and could have saved the cost on, all because the OP made plans with her. Of course the OP owes her an explanation! She’s not a random if they’ve made plans.

@floorbird instead of going on about the times you have cancelled think about what outcome you want to have here. Do you want to continue to see her? If so then let this go. If you don't then fire away at her if it makes you feel less guilty.

You’ve only actually attended once out of the last five times you arranged to meet. Regardless of the reasons why I think your friend is reasonable to not want to specifically arrange to go with you anymore especially as really only two of those times were due to circumstances out of your control (covid).

Mixing up the dates the first time and not being organised enough with time management to get back from a weekend away on time are absolutely your fault and are reflections of your ability to organise and follow through with commitments. Ignoring the two covid related cancellations it’s reasonable for your friend to defer from the other two occasions that you’re not very good at planning or at getting yourself organised enough to reliably make the activity and to decide to stop making arrangements with you. She’s not cutting off the friendship or cutting you out of the activity but she is a new friend and if all she has to go on is that out of the 5 times she’s made plans with you you’ve cancelled 4 of them I can see why she’s questioning your reliability.

If you want to change her mind then the best thing you can do is go to the activity reliably every week and then, once you’ve proved your reliability and commitment to get, ask her if she wants to meet up beforehand again. If over the next 6 weeks she can see that you have attended all the sessions and that actually the fact you missed 4 out of the first 5 planned sessions was genuinely out of character hopefully she will change her opinion of you and trust that she can arrange to see you without you cancelling in the future.

OP:- I’ve cancelled 4 times but none of its my fault ever.

MN:- yes your acquaintance isn’t being unreasonable not to want to meet seeing as you come off flakey.

OP:- but it’s not my fault I’m flakey —blames baby brain—

MN:- facepalm

Oops strike through fail!

AIBU to be annoyed that she’s annoyed? Also it’s not like me not being there means she can’t go or enjoy the event. It’s not as if I had invited her round to mine and then just not answered the door!
I actually think you are spot on here @floorbird. She can go without you. And that's what she has chosen to do. You aren't exactly a good friend adding value to her life. You're a bit of a headache for her really, and with three kids, she probably needs to prioritise more reliable people.

She’s lucky she’s meeting you there, others wouldn’t.

Why do you need to arrange to go together? Surely meeting each other there is the normal thing to do. If you both go, you both go. If you don't, you don't. I'd be annoyed with you too.

I haven’t left her sitting at the cafe waiting for me 4 times, just the first time which I’ve explained I didn’t realise I was doing because I got the dates mixed up, I doubt anyone here hasn’t got the date wrong at least once

When I read the first post on this thread, I thought I’d turn into the Mumsnet trope of-

OP: AIBU?
Pretty much everyone: Yes!!
OP: Well, I’m not and here’s a million stupid reasons why.

I’m beginning to think I’m right.

I am astounded anyone can be so self centred to not only fail to see the situation from the perspective of the other person, but once this has been pointed out, still sit whining how unfair it is for them.

You have cancelled 4 times. Fact. Two of those times were not in your control and it was sensible not to attend but I would place bets on the fact that you didn't have the decency to give her as much notice as possible.

IME it is the same people who do this again and again. Sometimes it is bad luck and circumstances out of their control but the others are just them being flakey as you have been 50% of the time for this poor woman. There is one girl in our group who does this too; half the time it is totally genuine and she certainly has been unlucky at times but there are so many times where she decides at the last minute she is too tired, tries to squeeze too much in so doesn't make it etc. We know she is like this so when making plans, we usually don't change the dates just for her (we meet on a fixed date) but just enjoy her company when she does come as she is lovely. Fortunately we are in a group so one of us is not left stood up alone.

To try use the reasoning that someone with multiple children should be better shows how utterly selfish you are, you clearly don't have the faintest idea. For her sake, I hope she sees this thread, recognises the situation and stops bothering with you. If this many people can't help you see the error of your ways, nothing will change

I would have found her message rude too, but with the benefit of hindsight I can say I found meet ups/coordinating activities coffee etc hard with a new baby - it was as if my already not-great time management and organisational skills were really tested by lack of sleep and isolation. Along with that, having to spend time with other people when the main thing we had in common was babies and not work, other interests etc was also tricky.

Not saying this is your situation but don't worry, you've got a new baby, it's hard.