I need to speak to them, don’t I?

[JanetPluchinsky]

DD is just turned 18. She’s been with her boyfriend a year.

Before Christmas she basically lived at his for about three months and only came home briefly once a week or so, to fetch things. She did spend Christmas Day with us but couldn’t wait to go back to his house. She spent the whole day telling us how much better and nicer his parents are than us, better food, nicer house, better Xmas tree ffs. We’ve tried really hard to not rise to this btw.

She’s been spending much more time at home since the start of the year, which has been lovely, and I gave her a job at the restaurant I manage.

She constantly asks me and DH for lifts and money. Constantly. It’s a running joke that I’ll say ‘money or a lift?’ to whoever’s next to me before answering the phone to her and it is ALWAYS one or the other. We pay for an open bus pass for her btw and she still gets £20 pocket money a month on top of about £200 pt wage (pocket money is to match what we give 10yo DS because she said it was unfair).

So this is all background. Yesterday she was meant to be working until midnight. She usually gets a lift home with me, or a colleague, or the boyfriend but none of us were finishing at the same time. The last bus home was 11.15.

I said that was absolutely fine, and changed her hours to finish at 11pm.

She then said to DH that she couldn’t (as in she’d asked me and I’d said no) leave work early and he’d have to pick her up at midnight. The lie fell apart as soon as I got home, obviously, and I told her she’d be leaving at 11pm and getting the bus home. She said ok.

Her boyfriend’s mother drove her home.

She had phoned this woman and told her we’d left her stranded in town with no way of getting home. So she’d driven a half hour round trip to pick the poor stranded child up and take her home.

DD was quite proud to tell us this. ‘X cares about my safety and didn’t want me getting a late bus home’. I cannot get my head round DD phoning this woman, lying to her about the situation. And being quite happy for her to come out late at night to take her home to save herself a fifteen fucking minute bus ride.

I get the impression she has told BFs parents we are basically starving and stranding her. We’ve never met them despite asking.

I don’t have any contact details for them but I do know the house (having dropped DD there countless times despite being an awful parent who never gives lifts). I feel like I need to tell them that we are not the abusive neglectful parents DD is making out!

She is always asking for money for lunch, a big bugbear of mine, when we have a house full of food. I’m pretty sure she makes out to his parents that we starve her. I’m just not giving her a fiver a day for lunch at college. And I often find out they’ve picked her up from college or they drop her home, it’s all walkable and she has an open (expensive!) bus pass.

Should I talk to them? Or do I need to get over this and let her manipulate them into parenting her?

It also doesn’t feel great that DD is happy to lie and manipulate like this but I don’t know how to get through to her.

Gosh, don't send a letter or tell her bf parents you aren't abusing her, they are just parenting differently, if I was her bf mum I'd probably would go and get her to save a 15 minute bus on her own at night. It wouldn't inconvenience me.
She is now an adult, just continue to treat her as one within your own boundaries. That's all you can do.

It’s actually the first time she’s had to get the bus home from work, not ideal but she’s been able to get lifts every other time.

I do actually feel guilty for making her get the bus, she’s playing on that. But it’s a one off so far. And it’s not the worst thing in the world.

She could also have booked a taxi, it’s £7 so less than a pack of fags.

I am baffled as to how you think the OP’s dd is supporting herself when she doesn’t have to pay for her home, any utilities, phone contract, transport or food, a @mrsm43s. She has access to food to make lunches for college and the only things she pays for out of her very part time job are cigarettes and her social life!

@Xmassprout

I would stop giving her money and lifts. She is 18 with a job. She doesn't need pocket money and she has access to public transport.

If his parents allow themselves to get roped in, that's on them.

This.

If they choose to believe her nonsense then that’s their lookout. Let them think what they want, they will soon tire of being your dd’s skivvy.

@Pedalpushers

It will be easier for you if you don't care how you look to his parents - your DD can say whatever she likes, it isn't true and it only comes back to bite her in the end. Stop giving her money and lifts and special treatment and let her cry to her boyfriends parents, you might find they have more of a measure of her than you think and if she wants to make things their problem, let her. She'll regret it soon enough.

Yep. Just assert your boundaries and leave the minx to get on with it. But I'd also stop funding her and giving her lifts. Why should you bankroll someone who lies and bad mouths you?

She gets away with too much IMO.

Why does she have an open bus pass, pocket money, a job AND you’re giving her money on top?

At 18 I had a job and paid rent! All my expenses came out of my pocket - phone, bus (car when I passed my test at 19), food, nights out etc. i appreciate I was full time but when I worked part time as a waitress before I left college, again, my expenses were my own but my money was my own. I didn’t earn £200 a month, closer to £80.

Tbh I wouldn't let my 17/18year dd old get a bus alone at night near did my parents they picked me up or paid for a taxi. You don't know who's about and girls are considerably more vulnerable.

@Thewiseoneincognito

Playing devils advocate here. I don’t think £200 per month is enough for anyone to be expected to essentially feed themselves and provide their own transport, I’m not saying give her more but just be aware of her perceived ‘poverty’.

She’s 18, the big wide world will teach her some harsh lessons in time so she does need to wise up but I’d just be mindful that she can’t be expected to fend for herself with £200. The poor bfs family 🤣

You have read the thread, yes?

She never officially moved in with the BF but just started spending more and more time there and before we realised she was there almost permanently. It came to a head at Christmas when he went incommunicado for two days and I managed to get through to her that it was all too intense and he needed a bit of space, he’s a lovely lad but very quiet and I don’t think he felt able to tell her to go home.

Your daughter doesn't seem to respect anyone's boundaries and I imagine the family of her boyfriend aren't quite as enamoured with her 'moving in' and taking advantage of them as your daughter would have you believe.

I wouldn't be in the least surprised if your daughter didn't suddenly announce that she is pregnant by said boyfriend in the not too distant future, it seems your daughter wants and expects everyone to pander to her and will manipulate them until they do so.

I do think you need to have a long calm talk with her about her expectations vs reality, her behaviour and the effect it is having not just on your family but also on her boyfriend and his family. Her lying to her boyfriends family needs to stop, surely if he spends a lot of time with you he knows she is lying to his parents?

Shes an 18 year old adult. Not a kid.

No, she's a young person in full time education who is dependent on her parents. Her behaviour is enough to tell you she is not an adult.

I agree with @peboh re night bus home.
Don't reduce her pocket money as that is unreasonable and would add fuel to the fire.
Maybe some compromise required on both sides here?
I've had two DC go through college and uni and don't recall insisting they make packed lunches. I did however give them an allowance so they could choose to take free food from home or spend their money on lunches.

Oh dear... she is really playing you isn't she?
Knows EXACTLY what buttons to press...
If boyfriends folks are SO wonderful... go live there...see how long that lasts..
No more pocket money.. she is earning... £10 an hour??... half the country would LOVE that kind of wage....

As for the backchat.. ignore...walk away.. she wants to be treated like an adult... then she has to act like one..

Communication. Respect. Boundaries.

She is acting like a brat.. She is not a child. She is not hard done by.

I would drop a note around with your phone number inviting the other parents out for a coffee and a chat.

When with the other parents I'd explain that you are trying to get your daughter to behave more responsibly, to make her own lunches for college, to arrange travel through the bus pass you buy her or start learning to drive (as you've offered). At 18 you think she should be ready to do these things for herself. She thinks this is unfair and is resistant.

However, you suspect they, as nice caring people, are being fed a line about her being given no food/transport/emotional support/etc at home. You appreciate how kind they've been to your DD, but she's using their kind impulses to avoid stepping up. You'd like to ask them to pull back a bit. She has access to a kitchen full of food, free transport and all her needs met. She's a young adult who needs to start doing things for herself.

Swap numbers, go on from there.

I bet they think she's got neglectful, uninterested parents from the line she spins them. They won't be falling over themserlves to help her when they realise she doesn't need help, she's just bone idle.

When I was 14 years old (many years ago), I had a part time job after school and at weekends. I earned £15 a week.
My mum took £5 off me for board and lodgings, as I was earning now and therefore had to contribute. She said save a third and the rest is yours to do what you like with.

You are not charging your daughter rent, she can make herself lunch to take to college if she doesn’t want to buy it, and you are providing a bus pass. More than generous.

As for being abusive…. She is using words to hurt you… and I suspect it is working.

I would stop the pocket money as she is old enough to earn her own money, and your son is not. What sort of person is jealous of their 10-year old brothers pocket money?!

Tell her you will review the bus pass in a month if she’s not going to use it. Also, if she’s not happy getting the late bus home she can get another job.

I would say very calmly that you are appalled by her rude behave and accusations. That you love her dearly and she will always be welcome in your house, but she abides by your rules and keeps a civil tongue in her head.

Stop it with the guilt, it helps no one and its different choices not something to be guilty for. She is happy to walk at night when it suits her so it's not fear that is preventing it.

Agree with the pp who said stop worrying about what his parents think and just parent your own way. Ultimately there is no right way of parenting.

I'm crying with laughter at some of the precious replies on here. My parents stopped all pocket money when I got a paperound at 14. I got pt job at 16 while being in 6th form and worked all day Saturday and sunday and late night Thursday, in holidays I worked full time. If I wanted to save money I made pack lunch from home not ask my parents to pay for lunches out. If my parents couldn't pick me up I made sure I was on the last bus.

You’re allowed to say no to her.

I wouldn’t contact the other parents as you risk looking batshit. It’s not them that’s the problem, it’s your daughter.

@JanetPluchinsky

She is completely funded and supported by us. She has an iPhone 12, the latest iPad, she has a large double bedroom in a house full of food and mod cons. We have great public transport here, busses to and from town every fifteen minutes (plus it’s only a half hour walk). She isn’t expected to support herself ffs.

Well if that’s her idea of abuse, I want some! She sounds like she is a very lucky young lady….. but a very lazy one. And kids at that age can be very lazy. I would stop the lifts, as she has a bus pass. And tell her if there is any more tantrums of rudeness you will cancel her phone contract and she can get her own.

I'd also suggest she looks for a retail job then if she is so worried about the late nights.

Don’t speak to them, she’s 18 and it’s between her and them and none of your business. Stop the money and lifts if you’re unhappy with her behaviour.

An allowance of £100 to £200 per month? I've heard it all now.

haha. I thought she might be the Bf's mother

I don’t think you are unreasonable at all. DH owns a bar, DS 17 works there Friday/Saturday evenings and DD sometimes helps out.

I pay DS’s train pass for college, he still gets a free zip Oystercard.

I do buy most of his clothes, but he supplements this (for example recently he bought a leather jacket on EBay and replaced trousers I had bought when he hot bleach on them)

DS tends to pay for his own lunches, but I sometimes I give him some cash as he does treat his sisters.

I would drop a note around with your phone number inviting the other parents out for a coffee and a chat.

When with the other parents I'd explain that you are trying to get your daughter to behave more responsibly, to make her own lunches for college, to arrange travel through the bus pass you buy her or start learning to drive (as you've offered). At 18 you think she should be ready to do these things for herself. She thinks this is unfair and is resistant.

What? I don't wish to go out for coffee or have a chat or be told an acceptable way to parent someone else's daughter. Who is, despite lots on MN refusal to accept, legally an adult. OP honestly this would make you look crazy.

She's spoilt, and the more she's given, the less she appreciates it. I would stop ALL extra money outside what she 'earns' in the job and stop the lifts. She has roof over her head, supportive parents, all bills paid, food in the house.
If she wants to waste her money on lunches then that's up to her.
I'd tell her that you won't be paying her phone contract either.
an 18 year old is more than capable of getting a bus at 11pm too. At that age I was away from home at uni, financially independent and working in a restaurant to the early hours on weekends.
She's an adult.
And I wouldn't worry about the other parents too much, they'll soon catch on to madam and her ways ...

She can find a weekend job daytime and see how she manages on the £6.50 min wage for 18 year olds.