I need to speak to them, don’t I?

[JanetPluchinsky]

DD is just turned 18. She’s been with her boyfriend a year.

Before Christmas she basically lived at his for about three months and only came home briefly once a week or so, to fetch things. She did spend Christmas Day with us but couldn’t wait to go back to his house. She spent the whole day telling us how much better and nicer his parents are than us, better food, nicer house, better Xmas tree ffs. We’ve tried really hard to not rise to this btw.

She’s been spending much more time at home since the start of the year, which has been lovely, and I gave her a job at the restaurant I manage.

She constantly asks me and DH for lifts and money. Constantly. It’s a running joke that I’ll say ‘money or a lift?’ to whoever’s next to me before answering the phone to her and it is ALWAYS one or the other. We pay for an open bus pass for her btw and she still gets £20 pocket money a month on top of about £200 pt wage (pocket money is to match what we give 10yo DS because she said it was unfair).

So this is all background. Yesterday she was meant to be working until midnight. She usually gets a lift home with me, or a colleague, or the boyfriend but none of us were finishing at the same time. The last bus home was 11.15.

I said that was absolutely fine, and changed her hours to finish at 11pm.

She then said to DH that she couldn’t (as in she’d asked me and I’d said no) leave work early and he’d have to pick her up at midnight. The lie fell apart as soon as I got home, obviously, and I told her she’d be leaving at 11pm and getting the bus home. She said ok.

Her boyfriend’s mother drove her home.

She had phoned this woman and told her we’d left her stranded in town with no way of getting home. So she’d driven a half hour round trip to pick the poor stranded child up and take her home.

DD was quite proud to tell us this. ‘X cares about my safety and didn’t want me getting a late bus home’. I cannot get my head round DD phoning this woman, lying to her about the situation. And being quite happy for her to come out late at night to take her home to save herself a fifteen fucking minute bus ride.

I get the impression she has told BFs parents we are basically starving and stranding her. We’ve never met them despite asking.

I don’t have any contact details for them but I do know the house (having dropped DD there countless times despite being an awful parent who never gives lifts). I feel like I need to tell them that we are not the abusive neglectful parents DD is making out!

She is always asking for money for lunch, a big bugbear of mine, when we have a house full of food. I’m pretty sure she makes out to his parents that we starve her. I’m just not giving her a fiver a day for lunch at college. And I often find out they’ve picked her up from college or they drop her home, it’s all walkable and she has an open (expensive!) bus pass.

Should I talk to them? Or do I need to get over this and let her manipulate them into parenting her?

It also doesn’t feel great that DD is happy to lie and manipulate like this but I don’t know how to get through to her.

Tbh I'd judge as parent who expected their young daughter to get a bus late night, there's been many girls who have been attacked, sexually assaulted even murdered. I wouldn't put my dd at risk regardless if me or dh were up early or I'd atleast pay for a taxi to the door.

And what will happen when the relationship with the bf comes to an end....?

Honestly @JanetPluchinsky she sounds like many girls her age and you don't sound like you're doing anything wrong.

Of course you shouldn't give her money for lunch out just because a) she's too lazy to make a packed lunch b) food out is more interesting. I get both of those views but I do mine because I cannot afford to buy food for the house and lunch out every day. You are on a hospitality manager wage and can't afford to either. I get that. She won't until she's probably our age and decided to take a packed lunch to work to save money. She'll have a lightbulb moment and think 'ah. I was a dick to my mum'.

Same with lifts. Who doesn't prefer a door to door lift at night in a car? But DH and I catch buses into town in the evening because it's cheaper than a taxi. Again, we make financial choices because the money comes out of our own pockets rather than a parent with a seemingly endless flow of money. She'll eventually start making those choices and realise you were right.

I don't actually have any advice because I think your decisions are fine. Perhaps just explain to her the financial consequences of decisions. And make it clear if she makes you two out to be the bad guys then what's the incentive not to actually be that bad in reality? May as well be hung for a sheep as a lamb!

Your daughter doesn’t seem nice at all

Am also surprised you don't have contact details for the parents/haven't met then yet. That should be a priority. Invite them round so they can see she's not fleeing a labour camp. Invite them in person if possible.

His parents have dropped her here so can see that she lives in a v nice house in a v nice area, (I know appearances don’t mean much but they can see she’s not living in squalor or poverty) and her BF has spent enough time with us to know we’re a normal loving family.

I don’t know why they are pandering to her really.

She's an adult and working. Does she pay you rent and help with chores at home? Why on earth is she getting pocket money??

You're doing her a massive disservice by ferrying her about and making allowances. How will she ever learn how to fend for herself?

As for the BFs parents, sounds like your DD is manipulative and because you roll over to her demands she is now playing the same game with other people who don't know her so well.

You need to stop treating her like a child. She's an adult. She needs to learn and not be molly coddled.

I know this sounds harsh but you need to stop looking at her like she's still your baby. You taught her to use the potty, to feed herself - this is the next stage you need to teach.

Yes knock on the door!

I can't believe you've never done this. A year has passed and you've never been and said "hi" ? Even when she virtually moved in... Why not? Make their acquaintance.

Stop letting her walk over you. Every time she's out of line, say so. Tell her she's rude or hurtful or whatever it is. Like a toddler. Which is how she's behaving. And if she doesn't want to make sandwiches she can use her cigarette money for the canteen.

@mrsm43s

I have a similar aged daughter at sixth form,and I find it really odd that you give her £5 a week "pocket money" rather than an age appropriate allowance (say £1-200/month) like her peers will get, and that you refuse to pay for her lunches at college. You also seem to begrudge giving her lifts. I would say she's pulling away from you because you are no longer treating her like a child that you love and look after, and seem to be expecting her to go it alone. Presumably she's getting that support and feeling cared for from her BFs parents. She's a child still in schooling who you are still wholly responsible for. Stop treating her like an independent adult that you owe nothing too. I wouldn't want my same aged daughter catching late night buses, or having to work (late!) to fund basics such as college lunches, or having to find her support from another family when she is still below legal school leaving age. She's still a child - your child. She's on the cusp of adulthood, yes, and probably a colossal pain in the bum, jumping between knowing it all and being needy, but she still needs looking after.

You obviously think that all parents have a spare £50 a week for pocket money for adult children to have and don't realise how you're creating such an entitled attitude in your own children!

They have food at home. If she wants a lunch at college then take the food/make a packed lunch or pay out of her own money. You know let her take some responsibility.
She wants to play at being a grown up having sex etc, living elsewhere, lying, manipulating then the last she can do is f ING making her own lunch!

She has a bus pass that is obviously accessible late into the night. She sounds like a bloody lazy, entitled cow! she requests lifts all of the time. Why shouldnt her mother resent some of this? If she wants to play grown up, then that will be eabs actually being independent and getting herself from a to b. Not wailing to however will listen, lying and manipulating.

I'd say the issue is that the op has been too amenable. Too concerned about her daughter pulling away and letting her treat the family appallingly. Nothing to do with not treating her like a child. She's not behaving like a decent child and wants the perks of an adult with none of the reosjsnibility.

If the child is capable of getting herself to a night out she's capable of getting a bus home from work.

I lived far more rurally than the op, went on the school bus to sixth form. Never got pocket money. Worked from 14/15. That is life.

Ops daughter wants to smoke and drink. Ok get on with it, but not at the expense of the op.

@JanetPluchinsky
I would be speaking knocking on their door and just wanting to have a word, that you wish for them to know she's manipulative in nature has access to the bus, that you ferry her around, she has food available and is spinning them a yarn.

She'll react badly, but someone needs to address this now or this will be her modus operandi for life.

She’s behaving like a toddler. Do you have any mutual friends or acquaintances with his parents? In any case there’s no way they won’t eventually find out about her lying to them and I’m afraid that will be a hard landing for her

She can play you like a fiddle. Why would she stop?

On pocket money - do you intend to keep giving your DS pocket money once he's turned 18? I'd argue it's fair to stop giving it to her now, and say your DS's will stop when he's 18. Or in the interests of "fairness" you'll never be able to stop giving pocket money to either of them!

Let her BF's DM think she's the orphan Annie. The penny will drop sooner or later, but ti would be very odd if you knocked on her door to inform her that you are a good parent! Believe me, your DD's personality type is a common one, she'll figure it out. You can help this process by not being a walkover.

Maybe they aren't pandering to her, maybe they really dislike her and hope their son will see sense soon. Often on here the advice on dealing with unlikeable boyfriend/girlfriend is to kill them with kindness.

Does she do anything to 'earn' her pocket money? Like others have said I think u you need to knock the money and lifts on the head. She doesn't have any motivation to learn to drive as between you the the bfs mum she doesn't need to. If she wants to spend money on going out and fags then fine but I would stop paying for her phone and clothes. She will have to work more if she wants more money.

I cooked a lot for my mum and siblings when I was 16-19 as my mum worked shifts. I also did my own washing, helped round the house, went to college and worked 2 part time jobs. My mum didn't charge me rent till I was full time working but it did prepare me for moving out.

I'm sorry but your daughter sounds spoilt and doesn't have an understanding of what real life is like. Time for some tough love I think and for her to grow up a bit.

Good luck OP

@mrsm43s
Well since she seems to be expected to financially support herself as an adult whilst still in full time education, I imagine she struggled to get the work done on top of late night shifts to pay for her food and day to day livin
She wasn't working then and now works a grand total of 5 hours a week if on £10/hour.
Parents pay for her housing, utilities, mobile, clothing, bus pass, ferry her around.

She's funding her cigarettes and alcohol. She is not orphan bloody Annie!

I don’t know why they are pandering to her really.

Maybe they like her.

Really the best thing you can do is have your own relationship with her, and let her have her own relationship with her boyfriend's parents.

You do seem to be in a weird space with her - babying her in some respects but wanting her to grow up in others, and resenting that she has another mother figure in her life now. Not to get all amateur psychiatrist, but maybe examine what's at the root of your annoyance over this, because it's something about the dynamic between you and your DD, not anything else.

@SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius

I am baffled as to how you think the OP’s dd is supporting herself when she doesn’t have to pay for her home, any utilities, phone contract, transport or food, a *@mrsm43s*. She has access to food to make lunches for college and the only things she pays for out of her very part time job are cigarettes and her social life!

If she stopped smoking she could afford lunch!

@Bananarama21

Tbh I wouldn't let my 17/18year dd old get a bus alone at night near did my parents they picked me up or paid for a taxi. You don't know who's about and girls are considerably more vulnerable.

What if, like many, she lived with friends not parents?

I don’t have much of a relationship with her at all right now. As I said she only contacts me for money or lifts. 99% of conversations are her asking for things, she is take take take. I’ve just scrolled back through texts and every single one is a request for money/lifts. No how are you or chatting.

I asked her to babysit last Sunday and she refused unless I paid her £10. I was desperate so I did. As someone said upthread she plays me like a fiddle. She plays on the ‘you’re always at work’ card, the ‘you’re so lazy’ card and the ‘you don’t love me as much as my brothers’ card. She’s pretty toxic towards me.

@Ducksurprise

I would drop a note around with your phone number inviting the other parents out for a coffee and a chat.

When with the other parents I'd explain that you are trying to get your daughter to behave more responsibly, to make her own lunches for college, to arrange travel through the bus pass you buy her or start learning to drive (as you've offered). At 18 you think she should be ready to do these things for herself. She thinks this is unfair and is resistant.

What? I don't wish to go out for coffee or have a chat or be told an acceptable way to parent someone else's daughter. Who is, despite lots on MN refusal to accept, legally an adult. OP honestly this would make you look crazy.

Absolutely

Yeah I’m not going to contact them.

I hadn’t realised, DH has just said, she’s gone to theirs today as they are taking her out for Sunday lunch. If they want her they can have her. She clearly hates me/us/it here.

@Bananarama21

Tbh I'd judge as parent who expected their young daughter to get a bus late night, there's been many girls who have been attacked, sexually assaulted even murdered. I wouldn't put my dd at risk regardless if me or dh were up early or I'd atleast pay for a taxi to the door.

What if their 'young' (adult) daughter lived away? Either at uni or working? They have to sort themselves out then, don't they?

And the DD could have had a taxi. She didn't want to pay for one presumably,

Are your children full siblings?

@Palavah

Am also surprised you don't have contact details for the parents/haven't met then yet. That should be a priority. Invite them round so they can see she's not fleeing a labour camp. Invite them in person if possible.

Why? I didn't have contact details for boyfriends/girlfriends or just friends at that age, let alone their parents. Unless they were friends from childhood.

She's legally able to vote, join up, work, get married and have kids. She is not a baby!

FGS!

@JanetPluchinsky

His parents have dropped her here so can see that she lives in a v nice house in a v nice area, (I know appearances don’t mean much but they can see she’s not living in squalor or poverty) and her BF has spent enough time with us to know we’re a normal loving family.

I don’t know why they are pandering to her really.

More to the point, why are you?

She’s getting away with a lot, and learning it’s working, I can see you would want to stop it. But she also doesn’t yet have an adult brain and is your beloved daughter. You want to give her everything she needs, but that isn’t the same as everything she wants.

I wouldn’t ‘speak to’ the boyfriends parents. That’s very much treating her like a child. (Yes, I know she’s behaving like one, but we want to encourage adult behaviour here, not punish childish behaviour) however, I would forge a relationship with them. Probably the possibility that you have the opportunity to talk to them will be enough to curb the behaviour somewhat. And then I would start to include them in arrangements. Just casually. A text saying you were due to pick DD up, but something has come up and are they able to help, for example, lays it all out there.

I’d agree to pick up, but insists she drives for practice. And I’d make the money for driving lessons conditional on that, and the fact that she starts learning. And I’d meet it with humour. Not sarcasm, and definitely not mocking, just good natured, slightly silly banter. Tone is super important. You have to put all your resentment away and keep it light. It’s bloody hard, but it takes the sting out.

We’re abusing you? Sure kiddo, we’re just awful parents not to chauffeur your social life appropriately. Man, I don’t know how we’re going to live with that in our old age.

The boyfs DPs care about safety? Sure, gal, I am SO going regret holding boundaries that help you become the strong independent young woman I know you will be, and for this family. It’s such a bummer.

Kid brother gets more pocket money? Jeez it’s unfair that we look at individual needs based on age. I mean, how could parents do that?

And my personal favourite ‘it sucks being 18’

For things like lunches, I would say I’d give her money for lunch to treat herself on Fridays, and ignore the rest of the requests. If she continued to make me feel bad about it on the regular, I’d talk to her at another moment and say that I don’t appreciate the gesture I can make within the family budget being so poorly revived and if she couldn’t find more graciousness, I would put it to another use. She doesn’t have to be pathetically grateful, but she dues have to fund a better attitude. I don’t generally make treats conditional, but I think in this instance she does need help to understand that people’s treatment of her based on her behaviour is A Thing for adults that works both ways. I would make it clear that these things are YOUR boundaries to provide for your family and self respect, not about punishment or parenting. She’s wanting to be past that. She exploring how this all works, that’s all.

Good luck, it sounds awful. Space might not be a bad thing.