I need to speak to them, don’t I?

[JanetPluchinsky]

DD is just turned 18. She’s been with her boyfriend a year.

Before Christmas she basically lived at his for about three months and only came home briefly once a week or so, to fetch things. She did spend Christmas Day with us but couldn’t wait to go back to his house. She spent the whole day telling us how much better and nicer his parents are than us, better food, nicer house, better Xmas tree ffs. We’ve tried really hard to not rise to this btw.

She’s been spending much more time at home since the start of the year, which has been lovely, and I gave her a job at the restaurant I manage.

She constantly asks me and DH for lifts and money. Constantly. It’s a running joke that I’ll say ‘money or a lift?’ to whoever’s next to me before answering the phone to her and it is ALWAYS one or the other. We pay for an open bus pass for her btw and she still gets £20 pocket money a month on top of about £200 pt wage (pocket money is to match what we give 10yo DS because she said it was unfair).

So this is all background. Yesterday she was meant to be working until midnight. She usually gets a lift home with me, or a colleague, or the boyfriend but none of us were finishing at the same time. The last bus home was 11.15.

I said that was absolutely fine, and changed her hours to finish at 11pm.

She then said to DH that she couldn’t (as in she’d asked me and I’d said no) leave work early and he’d have to pick her up at midnight. The lie fell apart as soon as I got home, obviously, and I told her she’d be leaving at 11pm and getting the bus home. She said ok.

Her boyfriend’s mother drove her home.

She had phoned this woman and told her we’d left her stranded in town with no way of getting home. So she’d driven a half hour round trip to pick the poor stranded child up and take her home.

DD was quite proud to tell us this. ‘X cares about my safety and didn’t want me getting a late bus home’. I cannot get my head round DD phoning this woman, lying to her about the situation. And being quite happy for her to come out late at night to take her home to save herself a fifteen fucking minute bus ride.

I get the impression she has told BFs parents we are basically starving and stranding her. We’ve never met them despite asking.

I don’t have any contact details for them but I do know the house (having dropped DD there countless times despite being an awful parent who never gives lifts). I feel like I need to tell them that we are not the abusive neglectful parents DD is making out!

She is always asking for money for lunch, a big bugbear of mine, when we have a house full of food. I’m pretty sure she makes out to his parents that we starve her. I’m just not giving her a fiver a day for lunch at college. And I often find out they’ve picked her up from college or they drop her home, it’s all walkable and she has an open (expensive!) bus pass.

Should I talk to them? Or do I need to get over this and let her manipulate them into parenting her?

It also doesn’t feel great that DD is happy to lie and manipulate like this but I don’t know how to get through to her.

Hi op, one of my daughters found the teen years a total trial. After a request from me to be more considerate led to an outraged argument she declared she was off to stay with a friend ‘whose parents liked her and said she could stay whenever she wanted’ I said the parents might like her but wouldn’t want her to go and live with them. However she still packed some clothes and went off. A day later I had a phone call from the parents asking why she thought she could stay there and what was going on. I told them what she had said etc.. and asked them to send her home on the bus. (I didn’t drive). I’m afraid she ‘threatened’ to leave quite often.this was before she was 18.
She’s actually a lovely person, but really had a very different version of reality to me during those years. It was tough. Do not let the notion of someone else viewing you through her lens, make you change your expectation of reasonable behaviour.
Good luck

She basically wants everything she can get from both places and everyone is bending over backwards to give it to her. Why would she stop? She is a self centered teen and right now she has everyone wrapped around her finger. She has no motivation to do anything differently because this is working for her. She wants money or something from you - you hand it out. She wants rides - you give it to her. Her boyfriend's parents sound like they do the same. She is riding the gravy train right now.

It's your daughter you need to speak to and it sounds like the conversation is well overdue!

You are being unreasonable for giving an adult pocket money 😂

I don’t really have any advice but I wanted to drop in to say this is EXACTLY the type of awful thing I used to do to my mum (and this is would have been the least of it I was a nightmare!) I’m now 30 and my mum and I now have the closest possible relationship and we laugh about how much of a turd I was to her and how outrageous our arguments used to be on a daily basis. I just grew out of it when I went to uni and became a bit more self aware. So don’t worry, she will too. Xx

Your daughter sounds horrible and very spoilt, sorry, but I would never treat my parents this way. I love and respect them too much for everything they've done for me.

Write them a letter telling them what you want them to know, also maybe saying you would prefer her to live with you Mon-Thur while she's still doing A levels. That's not unreasonable at all, imo.

My dd always accused me of being far stricter and 'old fashioned' than her peers' parents. True to an extent, but she got good A's and is at one of the UK's top Unis now so I'm not awfully sorry. It was hard at the time and I was wracked by doubt (esp as dh was all for her chucking education in and going to do music instead, possibly with him?).

Anyway, I gave her only £50 a month as I had no more, but tried to ensure I could get her whatever she needed and at least some of what she wanted.

Her budgeting skills are second to none! She's in her 2nd year at Uni (had to go onto part time study so it's taking longer) and has managed not to run through every penny she has once!

She is not a child she is 18 old enough to stand on her own two feet. Stop the lifts the pocket money, and treat her as an employee with the same rules at work as others, if she is not using the bus pass, don't pay for it.

Honestly, do you think the bf's parents actually want her there? Or even the bf? I wonder if everyone is a bit afraid of her tbh. And does she pay them any money for room and board?? I would be so embarrassed at her living rent-free off them too! Has anyone ever brought that up with her - does she think it costs nothing to feed an extra person and run a house? Good luck OP, it's a tough one.

My opinion is you do not need to and should not involve his parents on this. Your issues with your daughter should not encompass them. If they want to feed her or pick her up then let them, they are not vulnerable people I assume.

If you and your child have a fractured relationship, irrelevant of who is to blame, then this is something you need to manage with your child. You don’t engage his parents and start to tell them she’s a liar. They don’t know you from Adam. Your parenting issues are not to be off loaded to them

Just deal with this between you and your daughter, involving them will cause major damage that will be irretrievable and if you came to my door and told me I’m not so many words your daughter was a liar, or lazy or manipulative I’d think very bad of you.

OP I think you have tried to do the right thing. It’s hard when we hear so much about mental health these days. That’s great but it can mean treading in egg shells in fear of some breakdown when our teens need clear boundaries and a bit of tough love. I often say to my girls (21 & 18) “I love you but I don’t like your behaviour right now. Just recently I’ve said to my 18 year old what I’m comfortable with as far as bf and study etc and she has agreed. I was fed up of things being sprung on me when she was out and having the same disagreements about school nights etc. So, she knows now what the line is and I stick to it. If you do the same re lifts and money etc and make it clear why, tell her you love her and that you don’t expect to discuss it again. I try to spoil with love rather than things and compromising my boundaries so I often text that I love them and praise them when it’s due.

@mrsm43s

Surely your post is a joke? Her daughter is 18...? She is an adult and is at legal age of leaving school..shes in college and drinks and smokes..shes basically been living at her boyfriends house.. she had a job and earns her own money... ? She is spending the money her mum gibes her as "pocket money" on alcohol and cigarettes but you think she should be giving her £100-£200 per month? Why what for...

My Dd is 18.
She works ft.
She has recently moved out into her own place with a friend.
Since turning 18, she paid for her own phone and whilst living with me till 6 weeks ago (18yrs 5 months in age) paid rent, she also mainly got her own food too, pocket money stopped age 16 as she had a pt job.
I know I sound like im bragging, Im not- im hoping you see that your adult child shouldnt be getting lifts and shouldnt be getting any money from you.
I would also speak to the boyfriends parents and let them know how what she says about you, isnt true.
My dd drives but I think I would pick her up after a work shift rather than her catch bus.

I'd contact the parents. I wouldn't run my daughter down to them but I'd definitely make contact so they could see for themselves and come to their own conclusions. Just meeting them for a drink or dinner would be nice. She's only 18, an adult yes but technically still living at home, I'd want to know who she was staying with.

stop the lifts and the pocket money and tell her to grow the fuck up and treat you with respect.

why not say if you feel unsafe going home you have lost your job and the £200 a week go back to living on £20 a week (no money no fun ) knock on boyfriends door and speak to them , tell them that you are her mum and would like a chat

My mom does the same thing with my sister. The only difference is my sister is 43 LOL Surely you do not want your daughter doing that same crap when she's 43!! I think you asked the wrong question. Who cares what they think? She's 18, more than likely she's not going to stay with this boy for the rest of her life so it's not like they're going to be in your lives forever anyway. If it were me I would concentrate my energy on reversing this behavior. At 18 you should not be giving her pocket money just because her little brother gets it!! That's just ridiculous!! I get helping your child when they actually NEED it or giving them a ride when they can't take public transportation but at this point she is just using you as a bank and a chauffeur!! I have six children so believe me when I say I know how hard it is to tell them no sometimes but I also know that if you don't you end up with a 43-year-old entitled, spoiled brat!! I can tell you first hand nobody wants to be around that type of person. I avoid my sister at all costs which is very heartbreaking and I do put a lot of the blame on my mother. I won't say that you can Love your child too much but you can Love them the wrong way!! I hope it all works out for you!!
❤️💓❤️

I would not be giving her pocket money. Put it away for her if you like but just tell her it’s stopping. She’s not a child and has a job. Stay calm and matter of fact and accept she will act up. Tell her it’s disappointing seeing behaviour like this and you didn’t raise her to behave that way. It may not work but at least you’ll be demanding a bit of respect from her. You didn’t have kids to be a doormat. I do feel for you though as teenagers can be horrible. I bet she’s sweet and kind with the bkyfriend’s parents so they are enchanted by her.

Could you buy her a car? I know I felt so much safer when I got my first old banger at 17. Public transport can be scary and dangerous for young women I think especially in rural areas.

@Orchidsonthetable. I completely agree that the OP shouldn’t involve the bf’s parents in her relationship with her DD-but what do you think about introducing herself and giving them her number in case of an emergency?
I personally think that would be fine and normal-I can’t imagine my DD at 18 living with another family whom I’ve never spoken to! My DD is nearly 17 so not far off age-wise.

She is an eighteen year old kid. I’d wipe the floor with her if she were mine.

@Subbaxeo

I would not be giving her pocket money. Put it away for her if you like but just tell her it’s stopping. She’s not a child and has a job. Stay calm and matter of fact and accept she will act up. Tell her it’s disappointing seeing behaviour like this and you didn’t raise her to behave that way. It may not work but at least you’ll be demanding a bit of respect from her. You didn’t have kids to be a doormat. I do feel for you though as teenagers can be horrible. I bet she’s sweet and kind with the bkyfriend’s parents so they are enchanted by her.

Slightly OT but a colleague charged her three keep from as soon as they started earning. I think it was 15%.

The eldest girl went to uni and didn't contribute much. The middle contributed about 4 years and her youngest started full time work from school. She upped his rent in an effort to control his excessive drinking and smoking (including exotic substances), when hel left home at about 25 he'd contributed by far the most.

The Christmas after they'd all moved out she gave each of them a cheque for about £8k.

Unbeknownst to them all she'd always put the rent money aside and then shared it out once they'd all settled down. The youngest was a bit outraged at first having contributed the most but soon found out he was getting 33% of what he'd thought he'd spent.

Always thought that was a great idea. She said she'd never had kids to take money from them but it taught them about responsibilities in life.

Completely OT. But that post reminded me. As did the bit about smoking and drinking.

@JenniferAlisonPhilipaSue

so your DD, when still 17, was living with her boyfriend's parents whom you have never met, but your issue is not that, its that she's asking for lifts and money? I think you have your issues the wrong way round!!!

I think its a bit too late to start complaining about your daughter's behaviour. You should have parented much better much sooner.

Yes, I was a bit surprised that you just brushed over the fact that you let a 17 year old live with people you've never met! I have a 16 year old and the thought of it is unimaginable.

I think that the fact that you let her go so easily this could be contributing to your daughter's feeling of being emotionally neglected (although she's obviously not physically neglected and has all her practical need met) which could be why she keeps baiting you saying the other parents are much nicer, more caring etc. Just a thought!

Surely you need to meet the people? Your daughter is mostly living with them. You wouldn’t let her move in with strangers yet she has. Good luck. Sounds awful

Oh I feel for you as my daughter went through a phase of behaving like this. And found a family that ate up her every manipulative lie and rushed round after her like personal assistants.

It all came crashing down though when she played games with them too. Not a fun time for anyone but I stuck to my guns about refusing her money and rides and she is now, at 19, fully independent with an incredibly good and high earning job and her own apartment. She is very grown up and lovely and gracious about anything I do for her.

So please don't lose heart that this is your daughter forever. Remind yourself that their brains are still forming and they do very foolish things.

As for the other parents, you can't fix it for them but it will end one day I promise.