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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

partner loses things all the time

139 replies

Candysfloss · 06/03/2022 09:49

just that really.

it is ruining mine and the kids weekends. it's always his keys or bank cards and no matter how often I say hang them up/put them in a basket/put them in a bowl in the kitchen we have this atleast once a week.

he looses his temper very very quickly. its the houses fault. it's my fault. I'm a cunt. he hates his life.

today, we are meant to be going out for the day. we have a toddler and a young baby - after being unable to find his keys, he called me a stupid cunt for asking why he didnt hang them up last night and, after throwing his weight around (burst all the balloons we had out for our kids birthday, threw a pizza box etc.) said he isnt coming out today now and is going back to bed. which is where he has been for the last hour.

I'm so sick and tired of it. its things like clothes too, where this top that top.

I'm doubting myself now though because on another thread I found posters were telling OP it sounded like her partner had adhd and to be more patient as he cant help it and the temper and loosing things were signs.

I'm just so annoyed now because even if he fi ds them in time for us to go out I feel like its put a downer on the day.

OP posts:
AFS1 · 06/03/2022 09:51

Him losing things is the least of your problems. I’m not normally in the LTB brigade but his behaviour is abusive. Your children will be suffering significant emotional harm from his outbursts. You need to protect them by getting you and then somewhere safe.

CarolinaStabril · 06/03/2022 09:52

Why on earth would you tolerate this behaviour? He sounds really immature and a bit stupid

AFS1 · 06/03/2022 09:52

*you and them

Concestor · 06/03/2022 09:54

I'm autistic and I don't often lose things but when I do it really upsets me and I can get angry if I'm not careful. He might be neurodiverse, but he still needs to behave like a decent human being.

Your issue is not him losing things, it's his temper. He needs to get help with that and learn coping mechanisms as he's currently abusive and it's not ok for your children to be exposed to that (nor you obviously! But the kids don't have a choice).

Have you talked to him about his temper? Would he agree to get help?

PonyPatter44 · 06/03/2022 09:55

It matters not one tiny shit whether he has ADHD or not. He's being a nasty arsehole to you and the children, and perhaps you need to think carefully whether this is the sort of environment you want your children to grow up in.

I let my daughter grow up in a household like this, and it damaged her hugely. Don't make the same mistake with yours.

Original poster
Candysfloss · 06/03/2022 09:55

he makes out like I'm over reacting all the time. he just talks me down all the time and when I come across threads like that other one I start questioning my own reasoning.

I have thought about leaving a few times but the reality is he is not going to leave this house and I dont want to remove the children from their home.

he will come down stairs and if I say anything it will be why are you annoyed? it's my stuff that's gone missing AGAIN as if it some mysterious entity who is taking his things and not his own lack of organisation

OP posts:
AlisonDonut · 06/03/2022 09:58

You are in an abusive relationship.

Now you need to decide what to do about it.

What are your options?

WTF475878237NC · 06/03/2022 10:01

Who cares why, he's abusive and a terrible role model for the children. Do not doubt it!

Cakelover17 · 06/03/2022 10:02

The problem isn’t him loosing things it’s his temper and abusivness. Worrying about taking the children out of the marital home is missing the point really, I’d be worrying about at what point his calls his child a stupid cunt, or your child realises what your husband is calling you. You shouldn’t put up with it.

Have you found the keys? It’s bizarre that they are always so hard to find, when my keys go missing they are in a pocket or on a surface under something, there’s only so many places they can be. Do you help him look? And can you not go out without him while he’s in bed sulking?

NuffSaidSam · 06/03/2022 10:06

Losing his keys is a minor problem.

The abuse is the more pressing issue.

You need to leave. Your children shouldn't have to grow up around this.

rainbowmash · 06/03/2022 10:06

I have ADHD and dyspraxia. I lose things a lot (lack of short term memory and object permanence), and it makes me very upset and full of frustration and self-loathing, which can come out as anger.

It's not my fault that I have memory problems, but it is my fault when I lose it and make my feelings other people's problem. I put a lot of effort into fixing my behaviour and finding coping mechanisms for strong emotions. When I make mistakes I'm mortified and will own my actions and make amends. If I ruined my child's birthday things, or called my partner a c*nt, there'd be no coming back from that for me. I don't know how on earth I'd live with myself.

Your DP doesn't think you're worth this thought or effort. I bet he's not like this when he loses stuff around his friends and colleagues. You and your children are being used as a sponge for his selfish behaviour.

It's not going to get better. So you need to leave and find better.

Original poster
Candysfloss · 06/03/2022 10:06

I always help him look. he looses his temper about it pretty much immediately.

honestly, they could be anywhere. he has no respect for his belongings at all

OP posts:
Original poster
Candysfloss · 06/03/2022 10:07

the outing is with his family so I dont think I will go without him.

I'm going to take the children to my mums I think. he is still sulking in bed.

OP posts:
NuffSaidSam · 06/03/2022 10:08

You should also get a spare set of keys asap. Him losing his keys shouldn't mean you can't go out! Have a set yourself that you know where they are.

Elaine2468 · 06/03/2022 10:08

I'd be more worried about him losing his shit than him losing his stuff. The name calling and balloon popping was a major over reaction.
Do you think he didn't want to go out and this was his shit excuse for getting out of it?
You shouldn't have to live like this. Does he apologise after he's calmed down or is it never mentioned again?

RewildingAmbridge · 06/03/2022 10:08

I came on to suggest tile, one for the wallet, one for the keys, I have them and find it very helpful, but that's not the issue. His behaviour is not ok he's abusive and aggressive. Your children are living in this environment, they are learning that's how you get what you want or to avoid being abused you keep your head down and mouth shut. Either way it's not healthy, and that's without even considering that you don't deserve to be treated that way!

girlmom21 · 06/03/2022 10:12

The aggression towards you is clearly the issue here.

You say he talks down to you. You've given examples of you talking down to him. You can't communicate.

Why are you with him?
Let me guess: when it's good it's really good and he's a great dad?

StringFellow · 06/03/2022 10:12

Your poor kids

MayMorris · 06/03/2022 10:14

I found only way was to walk off and not engage with ex when he lost things and then had temper tantrum . Even better as soon as the “where’s my….?” statement I’d walk off and leave him to it. Take the kids and yourself to another room, shut the door and wait it out. Or if you have to go somewhere and have your own car just get going and leave him to it. Or go out for a walk. If he comes into the room walk out to another room and shut the door.
Without an audience to feed his tantrum off maybe he’ll be faced with reality that only he is making him angry and once angry trying to logically think where he put something is not possible. He may begin to learn that taking a few deep breaths instead of shouting helps him to think more clearly.
But yes, it is abusive. Only you can decide if you are willing to stay in the marriage . If you do decide to stay you need to work hard on tactics to protect yourself from this sort of mental onslaught as you will be paying a price for it. Do read up about how finances are settled in a divorce, do not let the fear of the unknown put you off. Lots of good websites out there with explanations of the criteria for assets splitting. Best to arm yourself now with that information so you know and are less fearful of what your circumstances would be.

CagneyNYPD1 · 06/03/2022 10:15

Let him sulk in bed. But I doubt he is actually sulking. I bet he didn't really want to go out anyway and so losing his stuff (and the subsequent outburst) works very well for him.

Your partner is a horrible man. This is not about being neuro diverse. This is about him being a nasty, abusive arsehole.

You may be reluctant to move your dc away from the family home. But growing up in this atmosphere isn't much of a home.

Dutch1e · 06/03/2022 10:18

You might wish you'd left when you first hear your children's partner call them a stupid cunt. Now's your chance.

Original poster
Candysfloss · 06/03/2022 10:18

I dont even think he does have adhd - I was looking for threads on here for others who have had similar and came across it

it's his car keys he has lost so I do have mine. the comment from you @rainbowmash has really resonated with me - he chooses to react the way he does. and no, of course he doesnt speak to his friends in this way.

OP posts:
Felicity42 · 06/03/2022 10:18

Losing his stuff is not the issue. It's his verbal abuse and emotional abuse, his anger and acting out. You are minimising that to focus on losing stuff.
If he really wanted to go out with you today he'd know where his stuff was.
Some emotional manipulators purposefully lose their stuff so events go their way. Whatever it is, they seem to create a drama around themselves so they can prove that they are a victim of unfairness from the world.
Name his anger and emotional and verbal abuse as the problem not losing stuff.
Now he can go back to bed and make it your fault. If my husband called me a cunt I'd be utterly shocked and shaken to my core.
You've had to keep lowering the bar of acceptable behavior. If he's using those words in front of your child then you are responsible for keeping your child in an abusive home.
All you do is help him to find the keys when maybe you should be saying speak to me like that again and I'll ring the police.
If someone on the street treated you like that you'd report them to the police. So why do you accept it from your partner.

MayMorris · 06/03/2022 10:21

@Candysfloss

I always help him look. he looses his temper about it pretty much immediately.

honestly, they could be anywhere. he has no respect for his belongings at all

Don’t help him look. The issue is that hen he’s lost his shit , and he is angry his brain is in fight or flight mode with high levels of adrenaline and cortisol. This shuts down a lot of what are called “executive thing skills”… these executive thinking skills are ones he needs to use to retrace his steps, think logically about what he’s done with said item. He’s in a cycle…the more angry and frustrated he is the less he can thinking clearly, the more frustrated he gets etc into full out temper tantrum it’s him lashing out at anyone You need to break the cycle not by trying to do his executive thinking skills as that’ll probably enraged him more in his frustration, but by walking away - hopefully before t all kicks of. At the first sign of a situation arising. Over time he’ll have to calm himself down. Could take hours to start with but sounds like it is anyway. I’m guessing his tantrums have always resulted in an audience trying “to help him” and this just feeds straight into continuing the tantrum. Walk away and ignore…just like you’d do with a toddler.
AlisonDonut · 06/03/2022 10:23

@Candysfloss

I dont even think he does have adhd - I was looking for threads on here for others who have had similar and came across it

it's his car keys he has lost so I do have mine. the comment from you @rainbowmash has really resonated with me - he chooses to react the way he does. and no, of course he doesnt speak to his friends in this way.

Many of us ahve seen similar. That's how we know why you need to leave.

You are teaching your kids to accept abuse. They will be petrified of what is going on.

But if the house is more important than them...so be it.