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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

partner loses things all the time

139 replies

Candysfloss · 06/03/2022 09:49

just that really.

it is ruining mine and the kids weekends. it's always his keys or bank cards and no matter how often I say hang them up/put them in a basket/put them in a bowl in the kitchen we have this atleast once a week.

he looses his temper very very quickly. its the houses fault. it's my fault. I'm a cunt. he hates his life.

today, we are meant to be going out for the day. we have a toddler and a young baby - after being unable to find his keys, he called me a stupid cunt for asking why he didnt hang them up last night and, after throwing his weight around (burst all the balloons we had out for our kids birthday, threw a pizza box etc.) said he isnt coming out today now and is going back to bed. which is where he has been for the last hour.

I'm so sick and tired of it. its things like clothes too, where this top that top.

I'm doubting myself now though because on another thread I found posters were telling OP it sounded like her partner had adhd and to be more patient as he cant help it and the temper and loosing things were signs.

I'm just so annoyed now because even if he fi ds them in time for us to go out I feel like its put a downer on the day.

OP posts:

NowEvenBetter · 06/03/2022 11:11

It’s important to call the police, think of your kids, you need this attack documented.

Ignore the people saying ‘ADHD’ is an excuse for being a violent abuser, ffs.

SmolCat · 06/03/2022 11:13

Well done for telling him to leave. You need to get away from him or him away from you. Don’t put staying in that particular house above the need to keep your DC from experiencing all the negativity and anger he is showing. People move house all the time. Your kids would rather be in a new but safe house than stay there.

SmolCat · 06/03/2022 11:14

RTFF @maddy68

ThatsNotMyGolem · 06/03/2022 11:14

He called you a stupid cunt. That's grounds enough to LTB.

deadlanguage · 06/03/2022 11:18

DP and I suspect we both have ADHD and we also lose stuff a lot. We have Tile locators on our keys now! You can also get card shaped ones to go in your wallet.

But the main thing is that DP would never talk to me like that, that’s really not ok and there’s no excuse for it.

rainbowmash · 06/03/2022 11:21

@deadlanguage

DP and I suspect we both have ADHD and we also lose stuff a lot. We have Tile locators on our keys now! You can also get card shaped ones to go in your wallet.

But the main thing is that DP would never talk to me like that, that’s really not ok and there’s no excuse for it.

The prize for not RTFT goes to...

Read the room mate.

Burgoo · 06/03/2022 11:22

The moment he calls you a c* that's too far.

@MayMorris - whilst that makes sense I also know that walking away can escalate an abusers behaviour. I've seen many stories of people who try to walk away and the abuser ends up becoming more violent because it provokes a huge amount of rage. So whilst I agree, I'd also just add some caution there!

@Candysfloss - Seriously consider looking at the following: www.nhs.uk/live-well/healthy-body/getting-help-for-domestic-violence/ There are some great resources and support services out there who are waiting to help. At the same time, I completely see how hard this is and if he isn't like it all of the time it makes things a little harder because you can (potentially) end up defending the behaviour.

As an ADHD person I want to add that whilst we have a tendency to boil over emotionally (more than the average) we also can choose to get help for it. I used to be very explosive though nowadays I am much chilled because I have to mindfully stop and notice where I put things. My partner has to tell me 5 times A DAY where I have left things - I walk into a room looking for something, walk out with neither the thing I went in for nor the thing I had in my hand at the time! Its infuriating if it happens all the time though I just acknowledge its my mind that does this, nobody else.

It may be worth asking if he wants help with the problem. It's easy to blame him (no, I'm not condoning what is is doing, its abuse and disgraceful) and he may well want to stop but not be able to. I don't believe ANYONE would opt to "hate" their life, to be angry and miserable all of the time or to be in a state where everyone is tip-toeing around. That isn't a happy, content person. If he has ADHD then maybe that needs a look into. However he could also look here: www.nhs.uk/mental-health/feelings-symptoms-behaviours/feelings-and-symptoms/anger/

There ARE charities out there that offer support for abusers to change. These are focused and targeted to perpetrators who want to change their ways but don't have the skills to do so. And interestingly they are EXTREMELY popular. They aren't enforced (so perps have to want to be there) and they do get good results. But again, he has to want to do it and see a problem.

Good luck! Keep yourself safe and please have a plan of how to get out if things escalate (i.e. safe words to call a friend who can call the police, a place to go if he gets worse, money in a separate account of cash he doesn't know about, even changing phones if he has a tracking app on your phone), I know it sounds extreme but its better to be safe than unprepared.

deadlanguage · 06/03/2022 11:22

Sorry, just saw your update. You cannot keep someone like that around your children. Call the police and report this incident to them. Is the house in your name or his/joint? If just yours I’d be calling the locksmith/landlord to get the locks changed.

deadlanguage · 06/03/2022 11:22

@rainbowmash I was reading the thread as you posted that!

SamphiretheStickerist · 06/03/2022 11:23

Well, the end has started. You might be best getting all the worst shit done today. So call the police. Have him removed, lock the doors against him and let your mum support you in keeping him gone!

You can't live like that. It doesn't matter why he is as he is. You are in danger because of his actions.

Call the police.

LittleOwl153 · 06/03/2022 11:29

Call the police. Take photos of the damage (but leave that till he's gone). Invite his mum in to see what he has done - don't make a big deal of it but let her witness it don't hide it.

Eightiesfan · 06/03/2022 11:30

Police and a protection order. He has clearly been straddling a line, which he hasn’t just crossed but has sprinted over.

You need to think about yourself and your children. Take the support you are offered and try and move on from this, you all deserve better.

plantastic · 06/03/2022 11:31

He's abusive. I lose things all the time as well (I think perhaps adhd and dyspraxia) and am very messy. I deal with it though and don't make it others' fault (I use tiles, put things in the same place, sort stuff out the night before, am quite minimalist etc).

I don't agree that he would necessarily know where his stuff was if he really wanted to go though, I've done this when I'm desperate to go somewhere. The behaviour itself is abusive.

ChoiceMummy · 06/03/2022 11:33

@Candysfloss

I've asked him to go and rung his mum to get him.

he come downstairs, punched a hole in the wall, smashed up a load of my furniture and threw the remote at my head.

Please report to the police. And also make sure you relay the pizza box incident etc.

ScruffGin · 06/03/2022 11:38

He's abusive, you ought to call the police to document the damage, in case you need a restraining order.

I have ADD, lose stuff all the time, the only person I get annoyed with is myself. He's an abusive twat and you'll be much happier without him (and so will the kids), your mum seems to have the measure of him, listen to her!

AlisonDonut · 06/03/2022 11:39

You need to listen to your mother a bit more.

And call the police. Before you end up a statistic.

CaptSkippy · 06/03/2022 11:45

Leave this abusive bastard (LTAB) ASAP. He can hate his life somewhere away from you and the children. What an asshole.

Magenta82 · 06/03/2022 11:45

You really need to call the police and get help making sure he doesn't come back.

TibetanTerrah · 06/03/2022 11:48

I have adhd. I lose things (one ear bud being the latest annoying one!)

The problem here isn't the losing things. Its the absolute explosive violent reaction. Bursting the kids balloons was nothing short of spiteful.

CaptSkippy · 06/03/2022 11:48

@Candysfloss

I've asked him to go and rung his mum to get him.

he come downstairs, punched a hole in the wall, smashed up a load of my furniture and threw the remote at my head.

This should tell you all you need to know about his "temper". He has smashed up your stuiff and not his own. If he was truly in a rage he'd be smashing things indiscriminatly.

Read Lundy Bancroft's Why does he do that?

Burgoo · 06/03/2022 11:49

@MayMorris

I think its a really risky thing to treat a full grown man like a toddler. A toddler can't explode and cause real physical harm or damage to property. An adult male really can.

I do agree that his behaviour is likely conditioned; he gets what he wants/needs when he shouts and become aggressive. And if one treats his behaviour like a child he will inevitably escalate until he gets what he needs. Then you set a bar. Its conditioning theory in a nut-shell. If you don't respond the person will up the ante until s/he gets his/her needs met. Having worked with highly dangerous, violent people over the years I personally think its a really risky strategy. But who knows!

Burgoo · 06/03/2022 11:55

@CaptSkippy

I find Lundy Bancroft to be too simplistic in his explanations and very much makes sweeping generalisations. I'll have to find the title but I've read a much more measured book about the behavioural factors that increase the likelihood of violence (both male and female).

Basically the premise is that behaviours are solutions to problems. If I need to achieve a goal and its being blocked and I get angry people will get out of my way. if people approach me with a convo I don't want and I get angry, they back off and my discomfort ceases. If I am anxious then I will escape the potential threat. If I am jealous then I act in ways that stop the thing I have being taken away etc.

The book says what we need to do is figure out how we can add additional skills in so that the need is met without the ineffective behaviour. Of course this means action on the abuser's part as we cannot stop other people's behaviour. There are whole sections on shaping and extinguishing behaviours that aren't helpful - though that brings huge risks because the behaviour will have a "burst" of explosiveness until it settles.

SpinningTheSeedsOfLove · 06/03/2022 11:57

Get your family round you, put some of his stuff for his immediate needs in a bag, lock the doors against him and call the Police about an incident of domestic in progress. Make sure you tell the Police there are young children in the house, and that your now ExP has lost control and is being violent.

LadyPropane · 06/03/2022 11:59

You MUST call the police. Even if you don't feel particularly unsafe right now, there must be a record of this behaviour, for the sake of your children.

Good luck OP. We are all here for you.

DogsAndGin · 06/03/2022 12:10

I think it’s completely unreasonable to call a spouse a c* to point of verbal abuse

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