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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

partner loses things all the time

139 replies

Candysfloss · 06/03/2022 09:49

just that really.

it is ruining mine and the kids weekends. it's always his keys or bank cards and no matter how often I say hang them up/put them in a basket/put them in a bowl in the kitchen we have this atleast once a week.

he looses his temper very very quickly. its the houses fault. it's my fault. I'm a cunt. he hates his life.

today, we are meant to be going out for the day. we have a toddler and a young baby - after being unable to find his keys, he called me a stupid cunt for asking why he didnt hang them up last night and, after throwing his weight around (burst all the balloons we had out for our kids birthday, threw a pizza box etc.) said he isnt coming out today now and is going back to bed. which is where he has been for the last hour.

I'm so sick and tired of it. its things like clothes too, where this top that top.

I'm doubting myself now though because on another thread I found posters were telling OP it sounded like her partner had adhd and to be more patient as he cant help it and the temper and loosing things were signs.

I'm just so annoyed now because even if he fi ds them in time for us to go out I feel like its put a downer on the day.

OP posts:
Original poster
Candysfloss · 06/03/2022 10:25

it's not about the house in a material sense lol we rent, it's the fact I have nowhere to take them.

no space at my mums - she has 5 kids, 3 of which still live with her.

OP posts:
Gowithme · 06/03/2022 10:25

I also lose things and have issues with executive function that and the temper could be ADHD and he might struggle to control it - but that doesn't mean it's acceptable to be abusive towards you. He needs to find ways to deal with his anger that don't involve him being an abusive prick.

If you're not going to leave then I think you really need to try to discuss it with him and find ways to try to try and improve things. Does he realise he has an issue with these things? Would a big keyring help? Or some kind of key locator thing? Can you get another set of keys cut that you look after? Do you have a card so if his is missing you can use your card? He needs to agree that these spares are YOURS though and not just a spare for him to also lose - otherwise it's pointless.

When he feels himself getting angry can you agree that he will do something that works to prevent him turning abusive - for example can he just go to bed if that feels like a safe space and if you see him going to bed you will leave him to it? You could agree a length of time for him to reasonably stay there. Or agree that you will then take the kids out without him if that's possible.

Have you spoken to him about the possibility of ADHD? If he understands why things like this may be happening he may feel less frustrated and be more prepared to do something about it. If he's not interested in listening or changing in anyway though then I think you have to think about whether this is a good situation for you and your kids.

Northernsoullover · 06/03/2022 10:26

I have ADHD and frequently lose things. It's incredibly frustrating for me and probably for those who have to wait for me to find stuff. At no point have I ever called anyone a cunt or been abusive to them. Because I am not abusive.

MayMorris · 06/03/2022 10:28

@Felicity42

Losing his stuff is not the issue. It's his verbal abuse and emotional abuse, his anger and acting out. You are minimising that to focus on losing stuff. If he really wanted to go out with you today he'd know where his stuff was. Some emotional manipulators purposefully lose their stuff so events go their way. Whatever it is, they seem to create a drama around themselves so they can prove that they are a victim of unfairness from the world. Name his anger and emotional and verbal abuse as the problem not losing stuff. Now he can go back to bed and make it your fault. If my husband called me a cunt I'd be utterly shocked and shaken to my core. You've had to keep lowering the bar of acceptable behavior. If he's using those words in front of your child then you are responsible for keeping your child in an abusive home. All you do is help him to find the keys when maybe you should be saying speak to me like that again and I'll ring the police. If someone on the street treated you like that you'd report them to the police. So why do you accept it from your partner.
It’s not clear from Op that this is case ,that he is emotionally manipulative to make events go this way. He could simply have very poor emotional regulation and poor anger management. Not saying that is good…but no evidence to suggest that it was deliberately designed to sabotage the day- especially as with his family.

One is about poor self control leading to behaviour that is abusive- that is fixable with him accepting there is a problem, intervention and willingness . The other is about an abusive personality- not likely to be fixable. Definitely a need for Op to leave now.

ImBurtMacklin · 06/03/2022 10:30

@Candysfloss

he makes out like I'm over reacting all the time. he just talks me down all the time and when I come across threads like that other one I start questioning my own reasoning.

I have thought about leaving a few times but the reality is he is not going to leave this house and I dont want to remove the children from their home.

he will come down stairs and if I say anything it will be why are you annoyed? it's my stuff that's gone missing AGAIN as if it some mysterious entity who is taking his things and not his own lack of organisation

@Candysfloss what is a home? Somewhere where your kids can feel relaxed and safe - is that what they are getting with a man popping their balloons and throwing pizza boxes around the place?
NowEvenBetter · 06/03/2022 10:31

You’d be better off starting a thread about your kids and how to leave your abusive boyfriend. Whose house is it? You’re not married so it’ll be easy enough to ditch the scumbag. It’s not fair that you’re both choosing to inflict an abusive house on the kids.

NowEvenBetter · 06/03/2022 10:34

Have you started a search for a new rental property? Inflicting an abusive house on kids is not sustainable, so you’ll have to figure something out. The focus should be on that, not your shitty boyfriend.

Original poster
Candysfloss · 06/03/2022 10:34

it's even more crap because the baby was born early and spent months in hospital very recently so I am dealing with all that. the difference being that I went to get help for my spiralling anxiety and depression because I know my kids deserved more.

even if he does have anything mentally going on its shit that he doesnt have it in him to address it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Candysfloss · 06/03/2022 10:35

I have left him to it and have made plans to see my mum now

OP posts:
SpinningTheSeedsOfLove · 06/03/2022 10:42

Ask your mum to help you find somewhere else to live. Once you start having the conversation it'll help it seem more real.

Eightiesfan · 06/03/2022 10:49

I have ADHD and lose/forget house keys, car keys, bank cards and so on. But never once have I taken it out on my long suffering DP, who by all rights is the one who should be kicking off with the amount of times I’ve left the house to pick up the kids and found myself locked out so he’s had to leave work mid afternoon to let us in the house.

Yes, I get annoyed, but only with myself and have sometimes been reduced to tears with my organisation issues, but never with DP.

It matters nothing if he has other issues you do not know about, it in no way excuses his behaviour and the disrespectful way he talks to you when he can’t find his stuff.

Frigginintheriggin · 06/03/2022 10:54

Many years ago a friends kids first word was tunt because they couldn't pronounce their 'C'.
I really hope you don't want your kids calling you that down the line.....
My advice for what its worth is run. Don't look back. He's an abuser. It doesn't get better. 💐

SukiPook · 06/03/2022 10:54

My husband was like this. After a particularly nasty episode of verbal/emotional abuse i rang W.A. who were brilliant and got me in for 6 weeks of free counselling, mainly teaching me about the abuse cycle. A while down the line I left our rented house with our baby. But they do offer legal advice etc, sometimes they can get you free legal help to get the abusive partner to leave instead, if that makes more sense. So it is really worth contacting W.A, they are not just for "battered wives" but help women deal with/get away from ANY type of abuse.
Note... he was the EXACT same as yours when he lost things... but when I said I was leaving and he was being nice as pie to try and change my mind, he lost his car keys and I came to give him a lift and then I watched him search unsuccessfully for the spare key for a while all while being affable and friendly and relaxed... any other time it would have been f-ing and blinding at me in front of the baby, throwing things around etc, proclaiming that his life was shit , I'd have been accused of moving the keys and called names etc etc... I'd always believed the lie that he couldn't control his temper and words... well, it's total bullshit. Him being nice that time just revealed what this shouting and swearing and blaming is... emotional bullying and abuse.
Take it one step at a time but definitely chat to W.A.
I found that reading books on the verbally abusive relationship and the emotionally destructive marriage really helped and gave me the impetus to leave too

Original poster
Candysfloss · 06/03/2022 10:55

I've asked him to go and rung his mum to get him.

he come downstairs, punched a hole in the wall, smashed up a load of my furniture and threw the remote at my head.

OP posts:
Original poster
Candysfloss · 06/03/2022 10:56

when I told him to get out and that he was a disgrace his response was "whatever mate"

OP posts:
ADHDWoman · 06/03/2022 11:00

I have ADHD. I wouldn't call somebody else a cunt I would call myself one. I wouldn't blame my partner, kids, etc. I would be angry, but with myself. So I might stomp my feet and have a cry in frustration at my own executive functioning issues, but I wouldn't take it out on other people.
It is possible to have ADHD and anger issues, etc. And not take that out on your partner. As much as it can give us a shorter fuse, breaking other peoples possessions and being verbally abusive to your partner is not because he has ADHD it's because he is an abusive man. ADHD can make it easier to lose things and give you a short fuse, but it doesn't make you abuse other people. Only abusers abuse other people. He is abusing you and this is an abusive relationship. Whether he has ADHD or not is irrelevant, you get to set the standard of behaviour you will accept in a partner and his possible executive functioning issues do not get him a free pass to abuse his partner or his kids property.

InFiveMins · 06/03/2022 11:00

He can't come back OP, once he is out that door don't let him back in. He's a danger to you and your children.

merryhouse · 06/03/2022 11:01

CALL THE POLICE

ADHDWoman · 06/03/2022 11:01

Sorry I should have RTFT and the rest of your updates.
I am so sorry to hear that @Candysfloss I hope he leaves soon but if he doesn't I would call the police he sounds out of control.

maddy68 · 06/03/2022 11:03

Sounds like he could have ADHD this is typical behaviour. I have it too. It's as frustrating for him as well

Xmassprout · 06/03/2022 11:06

Call the police, get the locks changed if you can afford to. Has he gone now?

Original poster
Candysfloss · 06/03/2022 11:06

I have asked him to leave and my step dad is coming over so I can be a bit stronger

OP posts:
Original poster
Candysfloss · 06/03/2022 11:07

yes he stormed off to have a fag

OP posts:
Original poster
Candysfloss · 06/03/2022 11:08

I just said to mt mum I'm shocked and she said why though? I warned you a few weeks ago that it was only a small step up from punching walls to starting on you

OP posts:
breakingthebank · 06/03/2022 11:09

Call the police, at the least this is criminal damage. They can remove him if he won't leave or, even if you don't want them to act, you need to log this incident so that you have evidence that he was abusive in future.

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