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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

partner loses things all the time

139 replies

Candysfloss · 06/03/2022 09:49

just that really.

it is ruining mine and the kids weekends. it's always his keys or bank cards and no matter how often I say hang them up/put them in a basket/put them in a bowl in the kitchen we have this atleast once a week.

he looses his temper very very quickly. its the houses fault. it's my fault. I'm a cunt. he hates his life.

today, we are meant to be going out for the day. we have a toddler and a young baby - after being unable to find his keys, he called me a stupid cunt for asking why he didnt hang them up last night and, after throwing his weight around (burst all the balloons we had out for our kids birthday, threw a pizza box etc.) said he isnt coming out today now and is going back to bed. which is where he has been for the last hour.

I'm so sick and tired of it. its things like clothes too, where this top that top.

I'm doubting myself now though because on another thread I found posters were telling OP it sounded like her partner had adhd and to be more patient as he cant help it and the temper and loosing things were signs.

I'm just so annoyed now because even if he fi ds them in time for us to go out I feel like its put a downer on the day.

OP posts:
MadeForThis · 06/03/2022 12:14

Phone the police.

MyNameIsAngelicaSchuyler · 06/03/2022 12:16

Yes, police. He’s violent and dangerous and needs to leave right now. Protect yourself and your children.

Sexnotgender · 06/03/2022 12:17

My husband loses stuff all the time. However he’s not a nasty abusive arsehole. The losing stuff is NOT the issue.

Please get away from him. You don’t deserve this. Your children don’t deserve this.

Grandville · 06/03/2022 12:19

Call the police even though he is out. You need them aware of the danger to you and the children.

JovialNickname · 06/03/2022 12:25

What would you say if I told you he doesn't lose things. They aren't lost. It's just a cover to abuse you and the children, and then say it's your fault. If it wasn't the "lost" things (which you aren't responsible for, he is) it would be something else. He would find some other reason to be violent and angry and blame it on your actions.

If you don't feel ready to accept that idea yet, then try this; what if you did belive it. What if it was true, how would you feel then and what would you do?

CaptSkippy · 06/03/2022 12:27

[quote Burgoo]@CaptSkippy

I find Lundy Bancroft to be too simplistic in his explanations and very much makes sweeping generalisations. I'll have to find the title but I've read a much more measured book about the behavioural factors that increase the likelihood of violence (both male and female).

Basically the premise is that behaviours are solutions to problems. If I need to achieve a goal and its being blocked and I get angry people will get out of my way. if people approach me with a convo I don't want and I get angry, they back off and my discomfort ceases. If I am anxious then I will escape the potential threat. If I am jealous then I act in ways that stop the thing I have being taken away etc.

The book says what we need to do is figure out how we can add additional skills in so that the need is met without the ineffective behaviour. Of course this means action on the abuser's part as we cannot stop other people's behaviour. There are whole sections on shaping and extinguishing behaviours that aren't helpful - though that brings huge risks because the behaviour will have a "burst" of explosiveness until it settles.[/quote]
None of this matters. Abusers are dangerous, particularly if they are male and women are not repronsible for their behavior.

Furthermore, women have a right to be safe and to not expect abuse from the person who claims to love them.

I am sorry this is too simplistic for you, but when it comes to my own well-being and survival the motives of men do not interest me in the slightest.

NameGoesHere · 06/03/2022 12:33

Don’t let him back in. See a solicitor. He’s abdusivecand one step closer to punching you or hurting your dc. He’s a shit, plain and simple. No more chances.

Original poster
Candysfloss · 06/03/2022 12:33

I'm at my mums now.

he is doing the mopey love you and the kids so much, I'm sorry. but he says this after every time he looses his temper and then I end up feeling sorry for him.

OP posts:
whiteworldgettingwhiter · 06/03/2022 12:36

Blimey, op, that escalated quickly.

Don't let him back in. Call the police. Get the locks changed - ask your step dad to help if you can't do it.

Put a bag of your p's stuff outside for him, then pack up the rest.

But mainly call the police. Don't let him back in.

And ring his mum and ask her to collect the rest of his stuff.

Take care 💐

CaptSkippy · 06/03/2022 12:37

@Candysfloss

I'm at my mums now.

he is doing the mopey love you and the kids so much, I'm sorry. but he says this after every time he looses his temper and then I end up feeling sorry for him.

Classic cycle of abuse.

I am glad you and the kids are dafe for the time being.

2022success · 06/03/2022 12:43

OP you have to call the police now so that you can the DC can go home and be safe.

Things will get better but you have to protect yourself and the children from this man. Flowers

LittleOwl153 · 06/03/2022 12:44

The response to that message is " I'm glad you're sorry. Now you need to prove it. You need to move out - your behaviour is not appropriate around the children. And you need to seek some help. Go to he GP get on an anger management course or whatever is suggested. You cannot come home until you have resolved some issues - the children deserve better".

Your mum can see it. She will help you put a stop to it.

GiantHaystacks2021 · 06/03/2022 12:48

@Candysfloss

I'm at my mums now.

he is doing the mopey love you and the kids so much, I'm sorry. but he says this after every time he looses his temper and then I end up feeling sorry for him.

I'm glad your DM at least has some sense because why are you putting up with this?

Why are you putting your poor kids through this?

You're not even married to this prick loser so it should be somewhat easier to ditch him.

Please don't be the dope who stays with him.

DariaMorgendorffer · 06/03/2022 12:48

@maddy68

Sounds like he could have ADHD this is typical behaviour. I have it too. It's as frustrating for him as well
"he called me a stupid cunt for asking why he didnt hang them up last night and, after throwing his weight around (burst all the balloons we had out for our kids birthday, threw a pizza box etc.) said he isnt coming out today now and is going back to bed"

"he come downstairs, punched a hole in the wall, smashed up a load of my furniture and threw the remote at my head."

Speak for yourself. I have adhd and this is not typical for me at all.

stuntbubbles · 06/03/2022 12:49

Lose him. Permanently.

WallaceinAnderland · 06/03/2022 12:51

@Candysfloss

I'm at my mums now.

he is doing the mopey love you and the kids so much, I'm sorry. but he says this after every time he looses his temper and then I end up feeling sorry for him.

Now that you know your children are suffering an abusive relationship, you have no excuse to stay with him. You have a responsibility to protect them from this man. If you stay with him because he is doing fake 'mopey love you' and you feel sorry for him then you are part of the problem. So many women put what they want before what their children need. Don't be one of those women.
billy1966 · 06/03/2022 12:51

Call the police.
Report him and the damage.

Otherwise you could be liable to the landlord for the damage.

Do not delay.

He is utter scum.

Please call and report him.Flowers

Howareyouflower · 06/03/2022 13:07

@Candysfloss

I'm at my mums now.

he is doing the mopey love you and the kids so much, I'm sorry. but he says this after every time he looses his temper and then I end up feeling sorry for him.

Next time he could seriously injure you or kill you. What if he injured the children during one of his rants, by throwing something? You need to stay away from him. I once fostered two children because social services deemed them not safe because their mother kept going back to a man just like your partner. Is that what you want? to lose your children?
deadlanguage · 06/03/2022 13:12

@Candysfloss

I'm at my mums now.

he is doing the mopey love you and the kids so much, I'm sorry. but he says this after every time he looses his temper and then I end up feeling sorry for him.

He’s not sorry. If he was, he would have made changes (anger management etc) after the first time. He is manipulating you.
Snaketime · 06/03/2022 13:16

My DH has dyspraxia and looses stuff all the time. He will move things and not even remember doing it, I have even seen him do it before and he swore blind that I was going mad and he hadn't.
I get that it is annoying and his reaction isn't the best but the way you talk to him isn't brilliant either. What good is saying why didn't you hang them up like you were told to, that is like holding a red rag to a bull.
It very much to me sounds like you partner has either ADHD or Dyspraxia or maybe even both, oh and both of these can lead to depression fyi (especially if not diagnosed).

Original poster
Candysfloss · 06/03/2022 13:17

I said to him that I took responsibility for my mental health when my anxiety was spiralling and he said he is the only one who can help himself

but he hasnt...its all just words

OP posts:
LightSpeeds · 06/03/2022 13:19

I was just about to post and ask how long will it be before he punches you - seems it's not that far off given some of your later posts.

Unfortunately, it's very hard or impossible for many people to manage financially on their own and women are still often financially dependent on a man.

I really really hope you can get away from this disrespectful arse-h*le. And I hope his parents are totally ashamed of him, too.

Good luck. Thinking of you... Flowers

Original poster
Candysfloss · 06/03/2022 13:23

@Snaketime

My DH has dyspraxia and looses stuff all the time. He will move things and not even remember doing it, I have even seen him do it before and he swore blind that I was going mad and he hadn't. I get that it is annoying and his reaction isn't the best but the way you talk to him isn't brilliant either. What good is saying why didn't you hang them up like you were told to, that is like holding a red rag to a bull. It very much to me sounds like you partner has either ADHD or Dyspraxia or maybe even both, oh and both of these can lead to depression fyi (especially if not diagnosed).
but I've asked him to go the the GP and doctors loads of times and he says he doesnt have a problem. I have 2 children that I need to think of and ive run out of ideas how to help him - I've got him a bowl, a basket and pegs to hang his stuff up on. I've booked him doctors appointments, I'm not sure what else I can do.

in response I get called names under the sun, have the home smashed up and I have a baby and toddler. I'm not sure I deserve a remote to the head for asking why he didnt hang them up....people like you are the reason people like me end up staying in abusive relationships

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 06/03/2022 13:25

Let him carry on talking nonsense but switch your phone off while he does it.

Ultimately he threw something at you which is bad enough, but what if he'd missed and thrown that full pelt off your child's head?

He's not safe to be around them. I'd strongly support the suggestions to call the police so that you can have their support when it comes to keeping your children safe.

Original poster
Candysfloss · 06/03/2022 13:26

because it makes me then question myself about whether I'm over reacting and makes me feel sorry for him

OP posts:
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