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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

partner loses things all the time

139 replies

Candysfloss · 06/03/2022 09:49

just that really.

it is ruining mine and the kids weekends. it's always his keys or bank cards and no matter how often I say hang them up/put them in a basket/put them in a bowl in the kitchen we have this atleast once a week.

he looses his temper very very quickly. its the houses fault. it's my fault. I'm a cunt. he hates his life.

today, we are meant to be going out for the day. we have a toddler and a young baby - after being unable to find his keys, he called me a stupid cunt for asking why he didnt hang them up last night and, after throwing his weight around (burst all the balloons we had out for our kids birthday, threw a pizza box etc.) said he isnt coming out today now and is going back to bed. which is where he has been for the last hour.

I'm so sick and tired of it. its things like clothes too, where this top that top.

I'm doubting myself now though because on another thread I found posters were telling OP it sounded like her partner had adhd and to be more patient as he cant help it and the temper and loosing things were signs.

I'm just so annoyed now because even if he fi ds them in time for us to go out I feel like its put a downer on the day.

OP posts:
NameGoesHere · 06/03/2022 13:29

You are not overreacting… kick him out for good.

LittleOwl153 · 06/03/2022 13:41

He needs to move out to give you babies a safe home. If he works on his problems maybe he can come back. If he doesn't then he can't. It's not safe for your children (or you).

Realistically if he has unsupported ADHD or Dyspraxia which means he throws objects at people and makes holes in walls because he is out of control then he is not safe to be around. He needs treatment. Or he is just an abusive twat who is not safe. It doesnt really matter at this point which it is. You got hurt today - your mum can see the pattern. Who is going to get hurt next? You again perhaps worse this time as he got away with the last one? Or one of your babies as they happened to be in the way.

(My dd has dyspraxia and likely adhd, she can get aggressive and verbally abusive - but shes learning to cope with it and shes 12. She would be devastated at hurting someone, breaking furniture or putting holes in the wall. But she would not blame anyone else.)

FrenchBoule · 06/03/2022 14:10

Old saying

Words are cheap (I love you, I miss you)
Actions speak for themselves ( verbal abuse and physical as well)

iRun2eatCake · 06/03/2022 14:29

@Candysfloss

I'm at my mums now.

he is doing the mopey love you and the kids so much, I'm sorry. but he says this after every time he looses his temper and then I end up feeling sorry for him.

If he always does it then you know it means nothing and he'll just do it again and again.

Only you can make yours and your DC life safer and happier

NowEvenBetter · 06/03/2022 14:35

@Snaketime

My DH has dyspraxia and looses stuff all the time. He will move things and not even remember doing it, I have even seen him do it before and he swore blind that I was going mad and he hadn't. I get that it is annoying and his reaction isn't the best but the way you talk to him isn't brilliant either. What good is saying why didn't you hang them up like you were told to, that is like holding a red rag to a bull. It very much to me sounds like you partner has either ADHD or Dyspraxia or maybe even both, oh and both of these can lead to depression fyi (especially if not diagnosed).
There’s no justifying domestic violence. You’re a disgrace.
Lurking9to5 · 06/03/2022 14:38

@Candysfloss

I've asked him to go and rung his mum to get him.

he come downstairs, punched a hole in the wall, smashed up a load of my furniture and threw the remote at my head.

Omg, prioritise yr safety xx
WTF475878237NC · 06/03/2022 14:43

Talk is cheap.

I hope you're OK. Put your family first and ditch him.

Lurking9to5 · 06/03/2022 14:43

OP, look in to getting Lundy Bancroft's book ''why does he do that?''.

It explains why a man is a blamer (for example, there are many types).

This man is a narcissist. He won't change.

He feels a bit better after he's been an arsehole to you. It's his coping mechanism for feeling a bit shit about himself.

Fear Obligation and guilt (FOG) is when you have been trained to feel his feelings more than you feel your own. You should want to protect yourself and get away, but you feel how he'd feel if you left him. He'd feel the victim, and hard done by and angry and you would feel that instead of relief that you'd got away. That's classic FOG

Pegasussnail · 06/03/2022 14:47

Stay safe opFlowers get some decent advice
I bet your spirally mental health was in no small part due living with an abusive man

GreenFingeredNell15 · 06/03/2022 14:47

Stop making excuses

Call the police

Now

SpinningTheSeedsOfLove · 06/03/2022 14:52

You can report him to the Police any time, OP. I'd advise sooner rather than later. Please don't take your children and yourself back into a violent household. The Police will remove him.

Original poster
Candysfloss · 06/03/2022 14:58

@Lurking9to5

OP, look in to getting Lundy Bancroft's book ''why does he do that?''.

It explains why a man is a blamer (for example, there are many types).

This man is a narcissist. He won't change.

He feels a bit better after he's been an arsehole to you. It's his coping mechanism for feeling a bit shit about himself.

Fear Obligation and guilt (FOG) is when you have been trained to feel his feelings more than you feel your own. You should want to protect yourself and get away, but you feel how he'd feel if you left him. He'd feel the victim, and hard done by and angry and you would feel that instead of relief that you'd got away. That's classic FOG

this is so true. thank you
OP posts:
ittakes2 · 06/03/2022 15:07

sounds like he does have inattentive ADHD....his attention span doesn't last so he is thinking about the next thing and putting the keys down at the same time so has no memory of where he put the keys. Does he day dream a lot? ADHD has trouble with regulating emotions
BUT not reason why your life should be hell - he can look for some strategies to improve things.
ie put the key bowl next to the door - kitchen too far away for his attention span

NowEvenBetter · 06/03/2022 15:17

…are people seriously not bothering to read OPs posts? Can you stop wittering on about ADHD? The thread has moved on.

ittakes2 · 06/03/2022 15:24

No need to be rude NowEvenBetter

Libertybear80 · 06/03/2022 15:28

DH is dyspraxic and loses things all the time but he's never nasty about it. I'm going to write 'have you seen my....' on his gravestone though!

LizzieSiddal · 06/03/2022 15:34

Please put yourself and your Dc first here, do NOT go back to him, you have to protect your kids from them seeing someone behave in this way. Also please call the police, they will log what’s happened and when you separate it will be known by everyone that he’s been violent to you.

DoubleGauze · 06/03/2022 15:36

If a random guest in your house suddenly started calling you nasty names , throwing things around and punching walls you'd want them out immediately and probably not let them back. It should be no different if your so called partner did this. Totally unacceptable.

You're safely with a family member now , that's good. What's the plan going forward?

DoubleGauze · 06/03/2022 15:37

And yes , tell the police!

Masdintle · 06/03/2022 16:22

Does he behave like this at work? Does he punch things and throw things at people's heads at work? Or does he manage to control his temper if it shows him in a bad light to his bosses and his peers?

I'm glad you're at your mum's and I hope you can stay strong and get him to stay away until he has either taken steps to address his temper or shown that he's not likely to, then you can make an informed decision about whether to LTB or not.

NowEvenBetter · 06/03/2022 16:59

@ittakes2

No need to be rude NowEvenBetter
People droning on about ADHD are the rude ones-either haven’t bothered to read OPs posts to see the developments, or, are justifying domestic abuse while also insulting people with dyspraxia/ADHD. Do not chastise me for pointing these incredibly obvious things out.
cherrytopcake · 06/03/2022 18:22

Insulting you and throwing things ? He's abusive towards you op - do your realise this ? Sorry you're going through this, sounds hard.

WallaceinAnderland · 06/03/2022 18:47

I've asked him to go the the GP and doctors loads of times and he says he doesnt have a problem. I have 2 children that I need to think of and ive run out of ideas how to help him - I've got him a bowl, a basket and pegs to hang his stuff up on. I've booked him doctors appointments, I'm not sure what else I can do.

None of that is relevant. That's not why he's abusive to your children. He abuses them because he wants to. Stop letting him.

MayMorris · 06/03/2022 19:05

[quote Burgoo]@MayMorris

I think its a really risky thing to treat a full grown man like a toddler. A toddler can't explode and cause real physical harm or damage to property. An adult male really can.

I do agree that his behaviour is likely conditioned; he gets what he wants/needs when he shouts and become aggressive. And if one treats his behaviour like a child he will inevitably escalate until he gets what he needs. Then you set a bar. Its conditioning theory in a nut-shell. If you don't respond the person will up the ante until s/he gets his/her needs met. Having worked with highly dangerous, violent people over the years I personally think its a really risky strategy. But who knows![/quote]
I didn’t say that him as a toddler🤦‍♀️ I said it was like a toddler in terms of not having learnt to self regulate. . Of course a grown man should have learnt that. Some adults have unfortunately never been forced to do that and have learnt to get others to regulate their,options on their behalf.
I know what abusive behaviour looks like. Been there. Still recovering.

Nanny0gg · 06/03/2022 19:11

@Snaketime

My DH has dyspraxia and looses stuff all the time. He will move things and not even remember doing it, I have even seen him do it before and he swore blind that I was going mad and he hadn't. I get that it is annoying and his reaction isn't the best but the way you talk to him isn't brilliant either. What good is saying why didn't you hang them up like you were told to, that is like holding a red rag to a bull. It very much to me sounds like you partner has either ADHD or Dyspraxia or maybe even both, oh and both of these can lead to depression fyi (especially if not diagnosed).
Does your DP call you a cunt, punch holes in walls and throw remotes at you? If so, why are you with him?

If not, why are you minimising the abuse the OP is suffering?

@Candysfloss - please phone the police

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