What are the rudest/funniest things people have ever said to you?

[Janeyjacke]

Mine were a friend in high school (we were around 15) "You'd be so pretty if only you got your teeth fixed."
I have a long European surname, and my first name has 3 syllabes. I phoned up about a job once, told the guy my full name. He repeated it to me as a question, and then laughed down the phone at it.

Told by my abusive ex partner several years ago that I was 'nothing', and a 'parasite'. I had done nothing to warrant this.

Not really rude but just amusing, when I was 27 a friend's partner told me that if I wanted to have kids I'd really better hurry up 'with my age'. Would be interested to hear others.

My mum constantly told me I would be so much prettier if I lost a stone. I was about a 10 and had an amazing kelly brook type figure! But my mum has huge issues around food and anyone over an 8 is fat. Shame she is so obese now that she has diabetes.
I have had quite a few comments on my teeth including from a few twats I went on dates with. I have a severe dental phobia so my teeth are quite crooked and not the ridiculous hollywood white everyone nowadays has.

At a work doo. Around 10 people.
All posed for a photo.
Colleague said
" rekordorlig I always stand next to you in photos cause it makes me look good"

When I was 17, a friend's older brother was kissing me at a party and he stopped to say "I wish I had the courage to do this without booze." I said, thinking he meant he was shy, "You have to do what you're comfortable with I guess." He replied, "Yeah, thanks for understanding. I don't know, maybe one day being fat will be the new skinny and I wouldn't be so worried about people taking the piss." I was a size 12 and taller than him.

An old lady who asked me if I was married to the father of my baby. I said yes and she said "Good. Good to hear. Glad you're not one of these sluts that are everywhere in the 90s." It was 2018.....

A woman who TOLD me my natural hair colour was red when she saw me with it blonde. I told her it was actually blonde and the red was dye and she laughed and said "Do you know how rare actual blonde hair is? Really? Why would you be ashamed about being a redhead?" I am blonde! My three children are also blonde.

My Dad telling me my smile was too confident for the teeth I have. I stopped smiling for years and even now hate pictures where you can see my teeth.

My great grandmother asking me in a whisper if I'd "had a bit of him" when I introduced her to my new boyfriend. With a big wink. She was so naughty. I loved her.

My mum used to do 'fat club' every week at her house, all her sisters and mates would come over and weigh in and share recipes etc.

My nan showed up one night coincidentally, and realised what they were doing. 12 year old me, laying on the sofa reading, nan grabs my leg and says 'it's about time you joined fat club isn't it'?

Ah fuck you nan. Never forgave her.

My boyfriend at 23 years old told me that I was his "marriage material". I took it as a compliment until he explained that as he was much better looking than me , I would be ever grateful and therefore never cheat on him. I never did cheat but just ghosted him, he genuinely didn't know why

My mum after I hadn't seen her a while as she's in a residential home "Hello Mum, it's wonderful to see you again!" Her "Never mind all that, you look far too fat! Lockdown isn't meant to be an excuse you know!"
Honestly I just laugh as there is no other way.

A total stranger told me she didn't believe my hair was naturally that colour. I have strawberry blonde hair, which has got lighter over the years due to white hair coming in. She'd never met anyone in their fifties with naturally red/blonde hair.

Cow.

There's a charity shop near me with the funniest, rudest volunteer in there. Gems include;
"You're buying that are you?"
"I would just never wear something like that, it's horrid, awful awful, I abhor leopard print" ( I was buying a leopard print shirt)
"Some charity shops get nice stuff but we just seem to get dross"
(To someone donating)
Please don't let you children touch the books (childrens books in the childrens section)
Every time someone comes to the till she does a huge huff and puts her paperback down. I've just become more and more enthusiastic to counter it.
I don't think it's neurodiversity, she's just got no filter and seems to hate people.

My dm was a wagon for saying mean things to me.

Until one day in a shop the assistant told her off.

My baby was only a few months old,and we went in to a shop.I tried a dress on and my dm was saying "i had a belly" and "needed to lose weight"

The assistant heard her and told her what an awful thing to say.She should be ashamed of herself.After all i had given her a gc.

My dm did have the good grace to be embarrassed.
I wouldnt mind she was much fatter than me.

When my son was about 2 and old lady in the park said "your child looks like he has the devil in him".

He had just pulled a dog's tail, and he had a cheeky grin, but I thought her remark was a tad over the top.

@planetme

MIL: you've got a lot of weight to lose havent you planet

To me, 12 hours after I'd given birth to her grandchild 😳

Also, I hadn't even got any weight to lose really as I'd been so ill with hyperemesis during the pregnancy i had only gained a stone and barely had a bump 😞

I will never understand what possessed her to say that, was almost 13 years ago and I've never forgot it

@planetme

Oh planet, it does stay with you, doesn’t it?

When my mum was 13, they wrote “Pleasingly Plump” underneath her photo in the yearbook.

She was still talking about it at age 92.

My husband was very handsome whilst I am just ordinary and I was asked more than once by friends how come he had married me.

He also must have felt the same, as I heard him tell a friend that it was better to have a plain wife,

When I was a baby, my mum kept a journal. The first entry was written not long after I was born.

The words "... she has a snub nose, poor thing..." were written about her own newborn baby.

I have had 'nose issues' ever since reading it.

A catholic lady once ask me, when she saw me with my baby, ( about 6 months old) have you had him baptised yet ?
Yes I said.
Her: Thank God for that cause if he died and you hadn't, he wouldn't go to heaven.
Really not what I wanted to here.

@schnubbins it's her loss, what a nasty person, you should never forget where you come from.
We all move up as we get older but that doesn't entitle us to be rude, nasty and have no manners.
Let's hope she's needs her old friends one day and they all tell her to get lost.

I’m blind. I was on the phone several years ago to a public service, think council or similar, and when I mentioned my disability the woman on the other end of the phone said, ‘oh you don’t sound blind.’ I was thinking WTF? I asked her, very normally because I was intrigued by this odd comment, what she meant. She said, ‘well, you sound very with it.’ I just laughed and said, ‘you do know that blindness means lack of eyesight, it’s not a disability of the brain or the vocal cords, right?’

I’ve had people come out with some Daft and offensive shit over the years, but that was by far the strangest, and probably the best comeback I’ve ever managed.

I was speaking to an old fella at an event, and he asked which university I went to. I said Oxford. He asked which college. I said St Annes. He laughed and said "I once asked someone how to get into Oxford, and they said, apply to St Annes!"

Cheeky sod.

"You look like Gwyneth Paltrow but fatter"

I got told to choke on my own anus by an irate customer. Did have a good laugh at that one.

At school I was 15 and aced an exam and a ‘friend’ demanded to see my paper as there was no way I could get a better grade than her as she was more intelligent

‘My god you’re a fat cow aren’t you’ - former best school friend when I was 7 mths pregnant (and tiny !)

‘You’ll never get further than Chester’ - former partner (Chester was quite local !)

‘You see, I’ve lost worse ‘ -same former partner when I asked how he seemed so ok with our recent breakup

(On Instagram post - ‘my favourite daughter’ - same former partner posting a photo of his first daughter (not our daughter who fortunately has never seen this)

These are all years old but still sting.

Interviewer who specifically asked me to apply for their vacancy ‘did you buy your qualifications off the internet?’.

Asked dd if my legs looked fat. She said "no mummy not at the bottom " she was 5.

Former friend said, twice mind you, just in case I hadn't got it, that the reason I hadn't smiled on a photo was "because of your teeth". I wasn't remotely self-conscious of my slightly crooked teeth til then. I thought they were kind of charming. Good job she put me right, eh?

A week after I had my child a family member actually patted my stomach and “jokingly” said : “are you sure there isn’t another one in there?”
After bf and I bought our first flat, which we were proud of, someone we know walked in looked around and said “ why would anyone want to live here”