Social etiquette - AIBU to say something?

[Twocrabs30]

My DD was invited to a kindergarten friend’s party - invitation was in an envelope left in my child’s kindergarten ‘postbox’. The invite informed of date, time, location and address. No information was provided re RSVP. I thought this was odd. Nevertheless I arranged a present etc, and got DD ready to attend.

Today DDs father attends the ‘party’ with DD at time of party to find family of birthday girl wrapping up, facepainter had left, all party children gone an hour earlier, and to be told, and I understand fairly breezily, and not apologetically ‘Oh, I was wondering if you would come, the party was moved to 3 hours earlier to accommodate the poor weather forecast and we contacted you to let you know of the change of time’. DDs father didn’t say anything at time as he assumed they must have notified me and there was a communication failure between us.

The thing is - they don’t have any contact details of either myself or my DD’s father, as we couldn’t RSVP as there was no details on invite to RSVP to. They don’t otherwise have our phone or email details as we don’t know this family. We have spent £15 on present, £35 on return travel and I have wasted my time shopping for this girl. There was no party bag, barely a piece of left over cake. And DD missed out on event.

AIBU to say something to the parent? In writing, in person?

I was thinking maybe leaving a note in birthday girls kindergarten box saying - sorry to miss your daughter’s birthday. We didn’t receive any update, and are aware you don’t have our details as there was no RSVP. For future reference our contact details are..?

I just feel their conduct on this occasion is amazingly rude and I am unsure what is the appropriate way to respond, if at all, to this.

I doubt if they did it deliberately and imagine it was all a bit of a rush to move it forwards by 3 hours at the last minute, just be wary of this child's parents organisational skills in future.

Did you not think to write an acceptance note, with your contact details on and pop in the girl's post box?

£35 on return travel?? Where do they live?

Maybe they thought they had your phone number but didn’t. I think it’s jumping the gun to think they deliberately were rude to you.

What a shame! And a weird way to handle it - obviously you hadn't been contacted, or your daughter's dad wouldn't have brought her at the original time. I think your approach is fine because I do think it's right to say something because of the hassle and the way it was handled. How did everyone else find out though if no contact details on the invite?

Once I took my kid to a birthday party on the wrong day, entirely my own fault, and she was so sad and disappointed about it, in her little dress with her present all ready and everything. I still think about it sometimes and she's a teenager now!

I imagine that not putting rsvp details was an oversight and they had contacted all the people who messaged them and assumed you were among them. I would chalk it up to experience and leave it. Keep the present for another child’s party.
I know this isn’t the point but why did it cost £35 to travel there?

You don't need to respond, there's nothing to respond to. It sounds like a simple miscommunication and not a deliberate attempt to indulge in amazingly rude conduct.
I'm sorry your daughter missed out but I imagine she's over it by now and you over egging the pudding by leaving notes and being annoyed is only serves to wind you up.

Just chalk it up to one of those things

I agree there should have been contact details but i would have found a way to reply, probably given the note to the child/ put it in their box. If I was hosting a party I would only cater for those who rsvp. I wonder if they were accidentally left off or if parents expected communication via school rather than direct. Your poor child tho I would be upset if my ds missed out too.

They probably missed off the rsvp by accident. I’d have written a note and sent it back saying thank you, accepting and giving contact details. They may think he wasn’t coming.
Or you may find they sent a note explaining that the time has changed in the tray.
I think your note would be rude to be honest. The time to say something was at the party

Just let it go and don’t be so over invested next time. They would have had their hands full reorganising everything and they can’t help the weather.

No response necessary, chalk it up to experience.

You’re better parents than me, I wouldn’t spend £35 to take one of my DC to a party unless it was family.

Did you not still give the child her present? Is present giving only if you attend the party?

£35 on return travel? How?

They sound a bit thick not to put an RSVP contact number on the invitation. I wouldn't have given the present and I wouldn't go to another of their events.

I don't get the £35 travel costs, was it an unusual location?

@Ifailed

I doubt if they did it deliberately and imagine it was all a bit of a rush to move it forwards by 3 hours at the last minute, just be wary of this child's parents organisational skills in future.

This

@NiceTwin

Did you not think to write an acceptance note, with your contact details on and pop in the girl's post box?

And this

I think it's far more rude to just turn up at a party when you've not even accepted the invite in the first place 😬

@fairylightsandwaxmelts

I think it's far more rude to just turn up at a party when you've not even accepted the invite in the first place 😬

You make a good point @fairylightsandwaxmelts there’s probably another MN post where the parents are saying they had someone turn up 3 hours late to their DC party after not even RSVPing and how should they respond 🤣

@NiceTwin

Did you not think to write an acceptance note, with your contact details on and pop in the girl's post box?

This!

That’s a real shame (though £35 on return travel, did you catch a plane to get there?!) but the only thing you need to say is “Oh we didn’t actually get a message but here’s my phone number for the future”

I suppose it must be a taxi fare because surely no public transport costs £35.

I would assume they've contacted everyone who confirmed they were coming. It wouldn't occur to me to inform a family I hadn't heard from, of a change of plan.

Possibly! But I agree with a PP, if it was £35 to get somewhere I’d be saying no unless it was family, and then I’d get a lift.

I know some MNers think parent WhatsApp groups are the work of the devil and being part of one means you can’t be the Uber-introverted school mum they so desperately want to be, but THIS is exactly why they’re handy. Join one and cadge a lift for crying out loud!

Usually you have to accept, so they know how many are coming. Strange they didn't write their contact details.ni would have written a note to say, yes x would live to come, thank you. My contact details are xxx.

I’m also quite surprised by this op, isn’t your child in school with this girl every day? Don’t one of you drop off or pick up, don’t you have a school WhatsApp, or any way of asking the school, no other parents to ask? I’m quite surprised you had no way of rsvp’Ing.

And how did it cost 35 quid jist to get to the party and back?

To be honest I think You were rude for not attempting to RSVP in the first place.