Social etiquette - AIBU to say something?

[Twocrabs30]

My DD was invited to a kindergarten friend’s party - invitation was in an envelope left in my child’s kindergarten ‘postbox’. The invite informed of date, time, location and address. No information was provided re RSVP. I thought this was odd. Nevertheless I arranged a present etc, and got DD ready to attend.

Today DDs father attends the ‘party’ with DD at time of party to find family of birthday girl wrapping up, facepainter had left, all party children gone an hour earlier, and to be told, and I understand fairly breezily, and not apologetically ‘Oh, I was wondering if you would come, the party was moved to 3 hours earlier to accommodate the poor weather forecast and we contacted you to let you know of the change of time’. DDs father didn’t say anything at time as he assumed they must have notified me and there was a communication failure between us.

The thing is - they don’t have any contact details of either myself or my DD’s father, as we couldn’t RSVP as there was no details on invite to RSVP to. They don’t otherwise have our phone or email details as we don’t know this family. We have spent £15 on present, £35 on return travel and I have wasted my time shopping for this girl. There was no party bag, barely a piece of left over cake. And DD missed out on event.

AIBU to say something to the parent? In writing, in person?

I was thinking maybe leaving a note in birthday girls kindergarten box saying - sorry to miss your daughter’s birthday. We didn’t receive any update, and are aware you don’t have our details as there was no RSVP. For future reference our contact details are..?

I just feel their conduct on this occasion is amazingly rude and I am unsure what is the appropriate way to respond, if at all, to this.

@QuatrePattes
If there was no RSVP party family would have expected your dc to attend by default.

This was what I had assumed. Clearly a mistake to do so, and as I can see now from many posters’ views expressed, I ought to have RSVP’d via the child’s kindergarten postbox.
It never occurred to me to RSVP at the time; as there was no request for it on the invite. Nor could I ask the kindergarten staff for the hosts contact details as this is private information staff can’t give out. Nor do staff have time to pass on messages between parents.
Even if I could have asked one of the other parents I did know about RSVP’ing, I wouldn’t have on this occasion as it did seem from what I observed of the postboxes that not all children were invited, and I didn’t want an awkward conversation with another parent if their child hadn’t been invited.

As I have already said, I have previously always RSVP’d on the same day of receipt of invite, where all previous party invitations have provided contact details of how to RSVP - phone number or email address, and often with a please RSVP by a certain date. But I simply didn’t RSVP this time as there were no details on the invite. Just a brief print out saying ‘Please come to X’s party. Date. Time. Location.’

The location wasn’t their home address but a public space. So I couldn’t also RSVP via posting a letter to their home address either as I didn’t have it.

I think the 2 things that bothered me the most was: that my daughter missed out, and while I don’t mind being generous with presents for children, so for me £15 isn’t excessive as a gift spend, I don’t like waste and £35 travel was wasted.

Coming from a ‘position of innocence’ it does seem like a simple miscommunication error, where I wrongly made assumptions, and possibly also the host. So as suggested by many posters I will chalk this up to experience. Also, in future I will seek more clarity of party arrangements in the unlikely event I receive another invite without contact details and a way to confirm RSVP.

It has been good to get a head wobble and a few different perspectives on this.

I think the party parents were the ones at fault here. They should have at least left their phone number on the party invite as a minimum.

When I hosted kids parties, I made sure I knew a contact number for every child invited just in case of an accident and I needed to contact the parents. It might be less onerous if the party is taking place at a Party venue where the venue assumes responsibility for dealing with accidents.

OP mentions Kindergarten so highly unlikely there’s a class WhatsApp for all the parents. My DS is 12 (final year of Primary school) and there’s never been a class WhatsApp here either. I have all the phone numbers for the parents of the boys in his class but not the girls.

Try to move on, its annoying but you will end up looking like the unreasonable person.

How bizarre to not include RSVP details on the invitation! Their absence would have made me think RSVP was not required.

I think it was really shitty of them to change the time but not make sure they'd contacted all the guests. I would not be keen on my child attending a party organised by them going forward but I'm good at holding a grudge!

They should have put RSVP details on the invitation- you should have RSVP'd by putting a not in the kindergarten post. TBH I wouldn't have taken a taxi to a party of someone I didn't know that well. I would hand out my phone number to all Kindergarten parents via kindergarten post so they have it for future reference, although I understand lots of people wouldn't do that.

I would be unable to resist being pass-agg and would leave a note in the child's postbox saying 'here's my number/email/WhatsApp to avoid wasting time in future'.

YANBU but I wouldn't say anything. Clock it up as experience. The parents of the party child were clearly a bit disorganised.

Ow rude. Don't respond, hope you didn't give them the present. Just ignore them in future.

Why bother? Do you want a weird atmosphere? I'd leave it. I would just not go to anything of theirs again.

I think if the party had finished and your DD got no party bag etc you'd be entitled to leave with the present. It probably is worth leaving a polite note to to try and find out what happened but be prepared for no response

@fairylightsandwaxmelts

I think it's far more rude to just turn up at a party when you've not even accepted the invite in the first place 😬

I've had many kids parties and most parents don't confirm if they are coming or not

I that the parents in your child’s preschool need to get a WhatsApp group together and get a bit friendlier and less formal

@DameHelena

I would be unable to resist being pass-agg and would leave a note in the child's postbox saying 'here's my number/email/WhatsApp to avoid wasting time in future'.

Really don’t do this, it is not worth it. A few times I’ve been tempted by something similar and I’m glad I haven’t followed through because the parent in question has become someone we bump into all the time / share lifts to an activity with / etc

@Chikapu

You don't need to respond, there's nothing to respond to. It sounds like a simple miscommunication and not a deliberate attempt to indulge in amazingly rude conduct. I'm sorry your daughter missed out but I imagine she's over it by now and you over egging the pudding by leaving notes and being annoyed is only serves to wind you up.

I agree. Let it go. You'll achieve nothing by making a big thing of it and your daughter will soon put it behind her.

Sorry if this has been said but my nursery has a whatsapp group for parents and communication via that is brilliant for sharing info amongst parents. Often about parties

Perhaps you can start one? Next time you collect, get chatting. Add them in and ask all members of the group to add new parents

The rsvp slip must have gotten lost/ separated

No way you'd leave party attendees to chance. They need to know numbers for catering

I definitely would not respond as there is no point but just a mistake and at least she was invited to the little girls party,I am sorry she missed it but going forward there will be parties where your daughter could be deliberately left out and that will hurt your feelings a bit but you will be okay.
A lot of mother's experience this and its horrible but generally it's a reflection on the mom hosting the party not you or the child,sorry rant over

I'd just take it on the chin. They were extremely rude but some people are. When you have a party for your daughters birthday, if you have one , I wouldn't invite the girl. Childish of me but tit for tat. If they treated my child like that I'd do the same. But I wouldn't lower myself to ask them to explain.

@NiceTwin

Did you not think to write an acceptance note, with your contact details on and pop in the girl's post box?

This

Sounds a bit odd but I'd leave it. What's the benefit of making it into a big deal?

Yes - I agree with PPs that the sensible thing to do would be to rsvp with phone number to the girl's postbox. Probably what everyone else did and how they knew about the time change! Would have been sensible for the parents to add this to the invitation but guess it slipped their mind, and everyone else probably did it anyway.

You definitely need to make sure you both RSVP and have the parents contact details. I've had to postpone a party once because we had to take one of my.kids to A&E. Plus they need to know how many kids are coming.

They are weird and my only consolation would be not leaving my child in their care. Who knows where she'd have been when I turned up to collect her from such vague twats.

If I'd been the party girl's mum I'd have been grovelling and desperately trying to scrabble together a balloon and a bit of birthday cake for your poor daughter. As for the present - I'd have said "you shouldn't have" and really meant it.

I hope her dad took her for a pizza to make up for the disappointment and embarrassment. My dad would have done while trying to work out how best to put it to my mum who would have been fucking livid.

Don't seek these people out @QuatrePattes but when you run into them again express your disapproval at their organisational skills. If they offer to look after anyone's hamster do be sure to warn them.

Chalk it up to experience- some people are rude idiots, I’d definitely consider not attending something that may not be worthwhile for £50 though? Hope your daughter wasn’t too upset?