Social etiquette - AIBU to say something?

[Twocrabs30]

My DD was invited to a kindergarten friend’s party - invitation was in an envelope left in my child’s kindergarten ‘postbox’. The invite informed of date, time, location and address. No information was provided re RSVP. I thought this was odd. Nevertheless I arranged a present etc, and got DD ready to attend.

Today DDs father attends the ‘party’ with DD at time of party to find family of birthday girl wrapping up, facepainter had left, all party children gone an hour earlier, and to be told, and I understand fairly breezily, and not apologetically ‘Oh, I was wondering if you would come, the party was moved to 3 hours earlier to accommodate the poor weather forecast and we contacted you to let you know of the change of time’. DDs father didn’t say anything at time as he assumed they must have notified me and there was a communication failure between us.

The thing is - they don’t have any contact details of either myself or my DD’s father, as we couldn’t RSVP as there was no details on invite to RSVP to. They don’t otherwise have our phone or email details as we don’t know this family. We have spent £15 on present, £35 on return travel and I have wasted my time shopping for this girl. There was no party bag, barely a piece of left over cake. And DD missed out on event.

AIBU to say something to the parent? In writing, in person?

I was thinking maybe leaving a note in birthday girls kindergarten box saying - sorry to miss your daughter’s birthday. We didn’t receive any update, and are aware you don’t have our details as there was no RSVP. For future reference our contact details are..?

I just feel their conduct on this occasion is amazingly rude and I am unsure what is the appropriate way to respond, if at all, to this.

As others have said, this is just a communication error, They forgot the rsvp, you didn’t pop an acceptance note in the party girl’s pigeon hole. They didn’t inform you of the change as they presumably didn’t have your contact details as you didn’t rsvp.
They weren’t rude, you weren’t rude. It was just an miscommunication. Annoying, unfortunate but there we go. Life, isn’t it?
Don’t escalate it with notes which are a not-so-hidden scolding.

Personably I’d feel bad about this happening to one of my daughters friends and would seek to invite them over for a play date.

No doubt if your gracious enough it’ll come through.

@Arabellla

The child will have still been there. They'll have seen their friend walk in with the present and it's still their birthday.

You don’t know that.

The present or lack of wouldn't make a difference to the parents.

Of course it does, they now think they did nothing wrong.

A present isn't your payment for attending a party. It's not transactional - or at least shouldn't be.

It’s not about transactional, it’s a courtesy, which was denied to OP.

The child's family were all still there but you reckon the child just strolled off home alone?

If someone's discourteous to you and you then do the same in return you're as bad as them.

@BluebellsGreenbells

Personably I’d feel bad about this happening to one of my daughters friends and would seek to invite them over for a play date.

No doubt if your gracious enough it’ll come through.

I would definitely do this too, but I would also have checked against a list of invitees that everyone had responded and would have included my contact details on the invitation. Party mum didn’t do this so I expect she won’t be too bothered.

She may have forgotten or rushed or just missed it off, mistakes happen.

I wouldn’t write or say anything. I wouldn’t have spent £35 on travel to a kids party, just would have left an decline in her post box if that’s all you could do. I would have expected a bit more of a fuss to be made of your DD when she arrived and some understanding that they had failed to notify you of the change. If I were them I’d be in oh our DD over for a play date instead.

*inviting your

I’m confused at some of these responses - the other parents sound rude; was your DD upset? One year a child turned up late to my DC’s party as they’d misread the invitation (DC wrote it themselves and the 2 looked like a 3) and the father went apeshit at me as his DD had missed the first hour, child was sobbing etc but apparently your DD and her dad were meant to just shrug this off?!

Ahh I can of course see why you are upset op. I also see why the no 'RSVP' threw you off. I am sorry this happened to your little one. I don't think you should 'do' anything except chalk it up to experience though, sorry! Hopefully you found something else nice for your DD to do instead.

The update about the change of time is probably in your dd's postbox. Unless it was checked after nursery on friday

If there was no RSVP party family would have expected your dc to attend by default. Why was there no party bag for her? They should have had a spare one expecting she'd come.

Sounds frustrating but definitely one of those things. I'd not say anything to the host, ask the other parents how they found out about the party starting earlier and get yourself on the parent what's app group pronto.

I think this is your fault for not responding to the note to let them know you were coming, you say they left no details but you presumably had their address to attend the party or you could have replied through the post box. Ideally they should have left specific RSVP details in the invite but it was strange to think that just because that specific detail was missed you could just turn up on the day without confirmation. I would never assume I didn’t have to respond to an invite regardless of whether it specifically stated RSVP as it’s just common courtesy. If nobody had responded they wouldn’t have known whether to cater for 3 children or 30 and it sounds like the other parents must have all responded and found a way to swap details. Common sense would have been to respond through the manner in which you received the note through the postal boxes, to fail to confirm because you didn’t have their contact details was lazy and an oversight on your part.

@QuatrePattes

If there was no RSVP party family would have expected your dc to attend by default. Why was there no party bag for her? They should have had a spare one expecting she'd come.

Sounds frustrating but definitely one of those things. I'd not say anything to the host, ask the other parents how they found out about the party starting earlier and get yourself on the parent what's app group pronto.

If there's no RSVP I'd think most people's default wod be that the child wasnt attending, do people make party bags for non replyers?

There is something odd about how you worded this, and your approach to the whole thing.

You have years of kids parties and friendships and parents to navigate.

It feels like you want to punish or correct this parent for getting it wrong - yes she didn’t handle it how you would but you stuck rigidly to your personal etiquette.

There were so rsvp details, so while you knew you are supposed to rsvp you didn’t because that was her fault. Yet you could have easily popped a note to say thank you your daughter will attend and exchanged details.

Now you want the parent to know they did wrong.

I think you need to be less black and white I. Your thinking on social situations. There will be years of dealing with people who approach things completely differently you know, and who don’t react how you would expect.

@NiceTwin

Did you not think to write an acceptance note, with your contact details on and pop in the girl's post box?

Wtf? An 'acceptance note'?

Sorely an acceptance note is simply a note saying thanks for the invite Emily would love to attend, I can be reached on 087878787. Look forward to meeting you!

I don’t get to confused face or the WFT???

There are ways you could have RSVP ed without a phone number. The postbox for example! The way you got the invite.

Sorry but it’s so rude not to RSVP and then just show up.

grapehyacinthisactuallyblue
I also think it was partially your fault. If you didn't have their details, you could have contacted through the child's post box, as they did. If you didn't, I think they must assumed you were not coming.

I was going to say the same as grapehyacinthisactuallyblue. I also think spending that much money on a child's birthday present and travel is crazy. I'm assuming your child isn't great friends with them as you don't have a phone number for the parents? I would just leave it and put it down to one of those things.

It's all a tad OTT really

Don’t reward the parents’ bad behaviour

How is it bad behaviour to hold a birthday party and invite children to it? Isn't it reasonably obvious that, in the absence of RSVP details, you reply using the same means of communication as was used to get the invitation to you?

NippyWoowoo
Wtf? An 'acceptance note'?

What's so confusing? Write on the invite that your child can attend leaving your phone number and pop it in the post box. What is it that you find a tad OTT?

I would not have gone in the first place if it cost 35 pounds for your travel? Take it as a lesson learnt. If you can't get DD there, she doesn't go. Spend the money on a family day out instead. Always ask for parents number in the future!

@fairylightsandwaxmelts

I think it's far more rude to just turn up at a party when you've not even accepted the invite in the first place 😬

This I am afraid. I would have put a note in nursery bag with contact details. The party parents probably forgot to give details and presumed you were one of those rude parents who do not RSVP …which I doubt is the case . I would have still given the gift to the birthday child .

Lots of people use WhatsApp groups now. Parents probably thought everyone was on it. Why don't you ask around? You need to be more proactive.