Social etiquette - AIBU to say something?

[Twocrabs30]

My DD was invited to a kindergarten friend’s party - invitation was in an envelope left in my child’s kindergarten ‘postbox’. The invite informed of date, time, location and address. No information was provided re RSVP. I thought this was odd. Nevertheless I arranged a present etc, and got DD ready to attend.

Today DDs father attends the ‘party’ with DD at time of party to find family of birthday girl wrapping up, facepainter had left, all party children gone an hour earlier, and to be told, and I understand fairly breezily, and not apologetically ‘Oh, I was wondering if you would come, the party was moved to 3 hours earlier to accommodate the poor weather forecast and we contacted you to let you know of the change of time’. DDs father didn’t say anything at time as he assumed they must have notified me and there was a communication failure between us.

The thing is - they don’t have any contact details of either myself or my DD’s father, as we couldn’t RSVP as there was no details on invite to RSVP to. They don’t otherwise have our phone or email details as we don’t know this family. We have spent £15 on present, £35 on return travel and I have wasted my time shopping for this girl. There was no party bag, barely a piece of left over cake. And DD missed out on event.

AIBU to say something to the parent? In writing, in person?

I was thinking maybe leaving a note in birthday girls kindergarten box saying - sorry to miss your daughter’s birthday. We didn’t receive any update, and are aware you don’t have our details as there was no RSVP. For future reference our contact details are..?

I just feel their conduct on this occasion is amazingly rude and I am unsure what is the appropriate way to respond, if at all, to this.

@Arabellla

Did you leave the present? I would agevfaken it back with me.

It's not the child's fault so that would be unkind.

I think it’s odd to spend that amount of money on taxis when you haven’t confirmed your attendance!

@girlmom21 the child doesn’t need to know anything about it.

Don’t reward the parents’ bad behaviour

We left the present.

And I wouldn’t attend a party of theirs again.

The party was at a location not near the kindergarten.

[quote Arabellla]@girlmom21 the child doesn’t need to know anything about it.

Don’t reward the parents’ bad behaviour[/quote]
The child will have still been there. They'll have seen their friend walk in with the present and it's still their birthday.

The present or lack of wouldn't make a difference to the parents.

A present isn't your payment for attending a party. It's not transactional - or at least shouldn't be.

I reckon there's a class whatsap you don't know about, and that's where the update was sent.

It is amazing how easily this came down to £££. Expensive present and no bad party bag. Yes, annoying for you, but in my mind your priorities skewed.

Read my post in full @Arabellla I know there weren't rsvp details, that's exactly why I said if you can't find them don't go.

@Arabellla The OP could have sent an RSVP the same way she received the invite.

The parents haven't 'behaved badly'.

The child will have still been there. They'll have seen their friend walk in with the present and it's still their birthday.

You don’t know that.

The present or lack of wouldn't make a difference to the parents.

Of course it does, they now think they did nothing wrong.

A present isn't your payment for attending a party. It's not transactional - or at least shouldn't be.

It’s not about transactional, it’s a courtesy, which was denied to OP.

@AllThatFancyPaintsAsFair

Read my post in full *@Arabellla* I know there weren't rsvp details, that's exactly why I said if you can't find them don't go.

You also said it was rude and inconsiderate to not RSVP. You can’t RSVP if there are no details.

No the parents haven’t behaved badly. They obviously all have a way of communicating as the party went ahead and the parents thought the op knew about the move, which indicates ro me it’s a what’s app group,

Oh Dear God, she could have given the RSVP the same way as the invite

£35 on return travel to get to a birthday party… ?

@Ihopeyourcakeisshit

Oh Dear God, she could have given the RSVP the same way as the invite

Oh dear God how was Op supposed to know that. It doesn’t sound like standard practice.

@Arabellla no, still wrong, I said it's rude and inconsiderate to turn up if you haven't rsvped. It is also rude not to RSVP but not the point I was making here

I also think it was partially your fault. If you didn't have their details, you could have contacted through the child's post box, as they did. If you didn't, I think they must assumed you were not coming.

So if it's not 'standard practice' that absolves OP of any responsibility to attempt the courtesy you previously posted about?

Very passive off you
I would have left a note to pass on to kindergarten to say that going

Yes should have left contact details
But not to do anything but just rock up is odd

One of you needs to learn to drive!!

@ButtercupOfFlorin

That’s a real shame (though £35 on return travel, did you catch a plane to get there?!) but the only thing you need to say is “Oh we didn’t actually get a message but here’s my phone number for the future”

This is good advice. Your children will probably be in the same class for the next 6/7 years so you don't want to be falling out with people.

This is harsh. The other parent sounds disorganised. The OP should have found a way of sending an RSVP.

And there is really no need to spend £15 on a 4/5 year olds present.