Social etiquette - AIBU to say something?

[Twocrabs30]

My DD was invited to a kindergarten friend’s party - invitation was in an envelope left in my child’s kindergarten ‘postbox’. The invite informed of date, time, location and address. No information was provided re RSVP. I thought this was odd. Nevertheless I arranged a present etc, and got DD ready to attend.

Today DDs father attends the ‘party’ with DD at time of party to find family of birthday girl wrapping up, facepainter had left, all party children gone an hour earlier, and to be told, and I understand fairly breezily, and not apologetically ‘Oh, I was wondering if you would come, the party was moved to 3 hours earlier to accommodate the poor weather forecast and we contacted you to let you know of the change of time’. DDs father didn’t say anything at time as he assumed they must have notified me and there was a communication failure between us.

The thing is - they don’t have any contact details of either myself or my DD’s father, as we couldn’t RSVP as there was no details on invite to RSVP to. They don’t otherwise have our phone or email details as we don’t know this family. We have spent £15 on present, £35 on return travel and I have wasted my time shopping for this girl. There was no party bag, barely a piece of left over cake. And DD missed out on event.

AIBU to say something to the parent? In writing, in person?

I was thinking maybe leaving a note in birthday girls kindergarten box saying - sorry to miss your daughter’s birthday. We didn’t receive any update, and are aware you don’t have our details as there was no RSVP. For future reference our contact details are..?

I just feel their conduct on this occasion is amazingly rude and I am unsure what is the appropriate way to respond, if at all, to this.

I'd just ask them what contact details they have for you because you didn't get the message and wondered if perhaps they had an old number or something.

This is odd. Who omits details on an invitation? Surely you can’t reply if you don’t know when it is?!

@NiceTwin

Did you not think to write an acceptance note, with your contact details on and pop in the girl's post box?

This was exactly what I was thinking

Thank you all for your thoughts. It’s really appreciated.
The £35 return transport costs was because taxi was necessary as the location didn’t have public transport there. So it was the only way they could get there and back.
Given the absence of any details re how to RSVP including by any date, it never occurred to me to RSVP by a handwritten note via kindergarten ‘post’; but I can see now this would have been the best way to go. I have always RSVP’d in the past, on the same date an invitation was received as a courtesy to the host, but overlooked this time due to no RSVP details (like address, phone, or email) provided.
I will indeed ‘chalk it up to experience’ and ensure in the unlikely event I receive another invite without RSVP details, I will hand write by return.

I am sure there’s a class WhatsApp group you are not aware of. I got mentioned this once and I said oh right. Did not ask that I am added as I will be happy if there’s one less party invite for me to deal with.

@Twocrabs30 you really do need to RSVP to parties in future because how else will they plan the amount of food, party bags etc. I’d wouldn’t ave taken a genius to figure out how to do this. You could also, you know, speak to another human? Ask the teacher “who is Emily’s mum”.

I’m not on a what’s app with this child’s parent at the kindergarten. I only know one other parent’s phone details. There is a large variation of drop off and pick up times for children and so I don’t know many of the parents.

I also thought it strange @Beautiful3 that no information was given re how to RSVP and no contact details provided for one of the parents arranging the party.

Thank you also @ButtercupOfFlorin - perhaps I will simply leave the parents my details for future reference

You could/should have RSVP'd by the same method they got invitation to you and included your contact details.

It's unfortunate that DD missed the event but there's nothing to be achieved by making a fuss now.

Leaving RSVP details off my child’s invitation is something flaky I would probably do and realise either when it was too late or last minute! I design my own though rather than buy them

There must be away they are all contacting each other op. I’d maybe ask a staff member, as clearly others knew and were responded. It’s possible there is an emailing list or what’s app group you’re not aware of, and that’s why there was no rsvp on it, there’s a known method of communication

I think I’d have tried to communicate and say she was coming before shopping and paying for taxi etc. I agree with others that all the other parents are probably on a WhatsApp or Facebook group and they assumed you were on there too. Also I’d probably not send my DC to a kindergarten party which involved £35 on a taxi fare. No way! It’s not like they have much awareness of parties and things at such a young age anyway.

Thanks @Fairylightsongs for the suggestion. I will ask the teachers and the other parent I am friendly with

Good plan OP. A shame all round though I agree and a bit weird how they said they contacted you.

Now brace yourself for pages of being told you sho have RSVPd or to let it go from people who can't read the full thread at only two pages long

Aw I’m sorry that happened to your little girl. She must have been so disappointed

@WTF475878237NC

Good plan OP. A shame all round though I agree and a bit weird how they said they contacted you.

Now brace yourself for pages of being told you sho have RSVPd or to let it go from people who can't read the full thread at only two pages long

I suspect it’s the group what’s app or something. The parent doesn’t know the op isn’t on it. They think the op just didn’t respond.

@DomPom47

I am sure there’s a class WhatsApp group you are not aware of. I got mentioned this once and I said oh right. Did not ask that I am added as I will be happy if there’s one less party invite for me to deal with.

I thought the same. They'd assumed all parents were in the group.

I think the whole thing is odd, the invite without the rsvp and the turning up with no contact.

I can't think of any circumstances where I wouldn't have asked the staff if they could pass a message on, or use the child's post box to communicate, if that is the norm.

As well as the postbox I would have asked other mums or staff to point out the parents to me, or at least mentioned the party to another mum to work out the RSVP details.

It's all very confusing.

Even if the OP had responded in writing to accept if she didnt put her contact details (given the invitation didnt either) they still wouldn't have been able to let her know. Why does the invitee bear the responsibility for providing phone numbers in case of three hour time changes?

Also why didn't they drop an updated time thing into the kindergarten post box on the basis that people might accept but couldn't contact them to let them know?

Sorry for your daughter.

I'm also interested in the 35 travel cost. Are they not relatively local if they attend the same nursery?

Your at fault for not confirming your child was attending and leaving your details in the box. They didn't think you were coming.

Did you leave the present? I would agevfaken it back with me.

@Bananarama21

Your at fault for not confirming your child was attending and leaving your details in the box. They didn't think you were coming.

There was no RSVP info

It's a lesson for the rest of your party going life. Don't turn up if you haven't RSVPed, that is rude and inconsiderate

If you don't have reply details you need to find a way to get them or not go

And no party if worth £35 of travel costs

@AllThatFancyPaintsAsFair

It's a lesson for the rest of your party going life. Don't turn up if you haven't RSVPed, that is rude and inconsiderate

If you don't have reply details you need to find a way to get them or not go

And no party if worth £35 of travel costs

Oh FFS RTFT