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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Social etiquette - AIBU to say something?

152 replies

Twocrabs30 · 06/03/2022 06:26

My DD was invited to a kindergarten friend’s party - invitation was in an envelope left in my child’s kindergarten ‘postbox’. The invite informed of date, time, location and address. No information was provided re RSVP. I thought this was odd. Nevertheless I arranged a present etc, and got DD ready to attend.

Today DDs father attends the ‘party’ with DD at time of party to find family of birthday girl wrapping up, facepainter had left, all party children gone an hour earlier, and to be told, and I understand fairly breezily, and not apologetically ‘Oh, I was wondering if you would come, the party was moved to 3 hours earlier to accommodate the poor weather forecast and we contacted you to let you know of the change of time’. DDs father didn’t say anything at time as he assumed they must have notified me and there was a communication failure between us.

The thing is - they don’t have any contact details of either myself or my DD’s father, as we couldn’t RSVP as there was no details on invite to RSVP to. They don’t otherwise have our phone or email details as we don’t know this family. We have spent £15 on present, £35 on return travel and I have wasted my time shopping for this girl. There was no party bag, barely a piece of left over cake. And DD missed out on event.

AIBU to say something to the parent? In writing, in person?

I was thinking maybe leaving a note in birthday girls kindergarten box saying - sorry to miss your daughter’s birthday. We didn’t receive any update, and are aware you don’t have our details as there was no RSVP. For future reference our contact details are..?

I just feel their conduct on this occasion is amazingly rude and I am unsure what is the appropriate way to respond, if at all, to this.

OP posts:

Nowomenaroundeh · 06/03/2022 10:33

I had a similar experience the other way around. I tried to organise a party for my child but got no responses. I sent invitations to nursery and posted on the class WhatsApp group.

We decided to let her have her party in nursery and take her out for the day instead. I posted in the class WhatsApp and stated anyone who wanted to join was welcome, our treat. Two parents contacted me apologising for not RSVPing, saying they would have liked to come to the party and could they come on the day out. They had been too busy before.

On the day out I noticed I had a number of missed calls from a number I didn't recognise followed by some text messages. They were from the father of a girl saying they had been standing in our garden for half an hour.

I tried to phone back multiple times, i messaged apologising. We sent a card to nursery explaining with our contact details and asking would their little girl come for a playdate.

No response.

I felt terrible about it and even worse when my child came home from nursery crying with a complicated story of this girl being in our garden.

I didn't realise the parents weren't on the WhatsApp group. The teachers in nursery had told the parents the party was cancelled but they missed these two.

Sometimes mistakes happen and it's really stressful. I would let it go and send your contact details.

They don't sound blameless though. No way would I turn guests away, I would have invited you both in for some cake etc.

Sarahcoggles · 06/03/2022 10:34

I presume you’re in America due to the term “kindergarten”, so maybe the rules are different there. But in the UK, yes that would be very strange and rude of them not to ensure they had the contact details of everyone they invited, in case they had to change the plans.

Walkaround · 06/03/2022 10:34

I really do not understand why you didn’t reply to the invite in the same way they sent you the invite in the first place. Sorry, but I think this is 60% your fault - you had a perfectly effective means of communication, as proven by the fact these people communicated with you. You didn’t reply. You shouldn’t need to put RSVP on an invitation for it to be the know etiquette to reply to an invitation one way or another. That said, they were rude not to advertise the change of timing - maybe they were offended by the lack of response, and/or didn’t realise they hadn’t specifically asked for a reply (ie ask for the obvious). If you were the only people to turn up 3 hours late, it seems you may have been the only people not to have replied, but then turned up anyway?

BusinessMindThoughts · 06/03/2022 10:48

Frustrating for you but the time to address being in contact with the parents was before the party.

Tbf they were a bit, erm, shortsighted bloody daft to send an invitation without their phone number on it or any way of getting in touch with them. Surely everything's done more conveniently via phone/WhatsApp/text and it can't hurt to give out your phone number in the case of a kid's party?!

WhatNoRaisins · 06/03/2022 10:50

The kindergarten postbox system strikes me as a daft method for RSVPs, too easy for things to get lost and in my experience kids often do different days at nursery. This family sound too flakey and difficult for making plans with so I'd just stick to other people.

zingally · 06/03/2022 10:57

It's the spending £35 to get to a random 4 year olds birthday party that gets me!

Personally, knowing I didn't drive, and the public transport links were non-existent, I'd have sacked this one off without a thought!

BodgertheJogger · 06/03/2022 10:57

Social media is terrible for things like this.
Imagine why this person feels she has to make a video for thousands of people she doesn't know. She probably does it because she feels insecure and unworthy. Maybe she's lonely. Maybe she feels she has something to prove to the world.
That's a huge amount of Social media.
Imagine the cut parts of the video.
I assume the video isn't the length of a whole day (12 hours)... so think about what and why she has cut.
If I was a mum these Social media tik toks would drive me crazy because I'm easily influenced, so I get it.

BodgertheJogger · 06/03/2022 11:01

Posted in wrong thread sorry x

NashvilleQueen · 06/03/2022 11:06

What's so confusing? Write on the invite that your child can attend leaving your phone number and pop it in the post box.

I do agree that what you've said is very straightforward but tbh I think in this situation I'd have probably just put a note in saying yes she can come. I wouldn't have added my own details because why would I? On the off-chance the parents decide to change the time? I mean obviously others would add in this info but I'm not sure it would even cross my mind given it was just going into a random kindergarten box.

seafrog · 06/03/2022 11:07

Well maybe it's just me but if a small child arrived at my door with a birthday present and I had failed to notify the parents because clearly they have failed on that otherwise you would have arrived 3 hours earlier, I just simply wouldn't have the heart to send them back home saying sorry. Also in your position, I would have tried my best to get their contact details since you were going to buy a present and spend £35 on travel so I would have wanted to make sure and would have sent them a text to say " just to confirm, is this the right address and birthday is at this time. I've lost the invite and I wanted to double check" a day or two before especially if it's the first time I'm going. I even do this when I get my lashes done, I send a text the day before saying are we still ok for tomorrow.

BuanoKubiamVej · 06/03/2022 11:09

Spending £50 on travel and a gift for a 4yo party of someone not a close friend or relative would be unreasonable even if you had made contact unless you have money to burn and that's a fraction of your normal weekend leisure expenditure.

Doing so without having even tried to establish contact goes way beyond unreasonable.

EthelTheAardvark · 06/03/2022 11:16

I would have wanted to make sure and would have sent them a text to say " just to confirm, is this the right address and birthday is at this time. I've lost the invite and I wanted to double check" a day or two before especially if it's the first time I'm going

Why on earth would you claim you've lost the invitation when you haven't? And how would OP text without a phone contact number?

HauntedDishcloth · 06/03/2022 11:25

Regardless of the RSVPing etc if I knew the location meant spending a lot on getting there, I'd have tried to sort a lift there & back with another attendee. In this case it could have avoided the no-show problem too.

rainbowmash · 06/03/2022 11:25

It's stuff like this that makes me glad I never had kids. Imagine spending your whole life embroiled in this kind of pointless fuss and having the pomposity to call it a matter of "social etiquette".

Kennykenkencat · 06/03/2022 11:29

@NiceTwin

Did you not think to write an acceptance note, with your contact details on and pop in the girl's post box?

I presume as it was in your dc’s letterbox then the rsvp was meant to go back into birthday child’s letter box that way they would have known your contact details.

Odd to not have responded but I have had my fill of organising dcs birthday parties and parents not responding then turning up on the day

Walkaround · 06/03/2022 11:29

@NashvilleQueen

What's so confusing? Write on the invite that your child can attend leaving your phone number and pop it in the post box.

On that logic, why on earth would the original invite contain phone contact details, either? There’s no need to give direct contact details to people who won’t be attending the party anyway - they can just reply via the kindergarten postbox to say thank you for the invite but sorry, no can do. If you can attend, direct contact details are obviously useful - there is no way on earth I would drop my young child off at a party without ensuring I could be contacted if anything went wrong. And absolutely no way I would attend a party with my child without having bothered to work out a way to reply, first. It’s just odd to rock up and expect entertainment, food and party bags to be laid on if you never replied one way or the other, and really weird to think you can’t reply using the same method utilised for sending the invites out, just because it requires pen and paper.

Kennykenkencat · 06/03/2022 11:31

@seafrog

This was a parent who had not said they were actually coming to the party.

SweetPotatoDumpling · 06/03/2022 11:32

I just can't get over the thought of spending £35 on a taxi to a toddlers birthday party 😨 That alone would have been a hard pass from me in the first place 🤦‍♀️ Completely bonkers!!

seafrog · 06/03/2022 11:35

@EthelTheAardvark I would say that so I can confirm again as it's happened to me in the past, not birthday specific but a different event where I went and it was cancelled and I wasn't informed despite rsvp'ing. Or I would have asked what birthday girl was interested in, just something random to re confirm if there was no rsvp information so the parents had my number and knew I was coming. As pp have mentioned, there were other ways the op could have got the number. Also with the lashes, I don't want to drive 15 miles, pay for parking and then find out the lash technician forgot because that's happened before as well. Maybe being disappointed like this a couple of times where I have wasted money, time and effort has made me more vigilant to check in a day or 2 before the event and to make sure I get a number.

Burgoo · 06/03/2022 11:38

If you are going to approach this be VERY tentative! It may have been completely innocent and the last thing you need is to go in there like a bull in a china shop and make a t*t if yourself!

As for the cake and party bag thing - don't expect it. I'd never make an assumption that things like that will be provided. If they are then great, but its an expense that parents don't need right now and the pressure to provide this sort of stuff is high enough as it is.

Personally I'd have made doubly sure that I knew that they knew my child was going. There's no excuse for not catching the parent (or other) picking up their child and asking for details and checking they know your child is going. Randomly turning up, when you haven't even confirmed, would cause a lot of embarrassment all round.

I just feel for your child who will have felt really uncomfortable and left out in all this. Turning up to a party and finding out not only that you weren't expected and then to be sent away is a heart-breaker. At the same time, children need to build resilience too so there's always a silver lining.

Landedonfeet · 06/03/2022 11:45

@StaplesCorner

I’m confused at some of these responses - the other parents sound rude; was your DD upset? One year a child turned up late to my DC’s party as they’d misread the invitation (DC wrote it themselves and the 2 looked like a 3) and the father went apeshit at me as his DD had missed the first hour, child was sobbing etc but apparently your DD and her dad were meant to just shrug this off?!

Well yes, shrug it off

No one went ape shit with anyone in this scenario

Notwithittoday · 06/03/2022 12:35

This is annoying but yes I’d have found a way to rsvp. Spoke to mum at the gate, note, asked another parent for the number… especially if it was going to be such a hassle as it seems it was to attend

Notwithittoday · 06/03/2022 12:40

Don’t think it’s outlandish that they paid £35 for travel. Don’t drive but it’s very important to me that dd doesn’t miss out because of my shortcoming so I would pay this amount to take her to a party. I would have found a way to contact though to rsvp

cherrytopcake · 06/03/2022 12:45

£35 on return travel ? Where was this party ?! I wouldn't dwell on it although I can understand why this is upsetting re your daughter. Unlikely it was done deliberately as like you say, you don't know the parents. I wouldn't write them a note, seems a bit patronising and pedantic. Perhaps just move on and forget about it.

ChampagneLassie · 06/03/2022 12:55

I think its just one of those things - sounds like they expected people to RSVP (perhaps there is a whatsapp group most parents are in and they thought you'd know / have their number / get it if you wanted to come) obviously everyone else there was informed somehow. I can also see your perspective - you just got invite and went to party. I don't think anyone's fault as such. In general I think most people have a way of doing things and assume everyone does them in the same way. Annoying but let it go x

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