To have used a MALAPROPISM

[Monty27]

To try to impress on date 😲
And the date laughed at it, I went scarlet and wanted the earth to open and swallow me up.
What's yours or a friend's, family? What's your experience of this please tell me I'm not alone 😱😂

@KloppsTeeth

My friend wants to find a boyfriend who is “articulated”. Don’t we all Helen, don’t we all!

Ooo like the action man toy

Just remembered one from school. We had studied Lukes gospel for RE and in the exam we had to say who it was written to. I put Theodolite, it was Theophilus.

However.......it did bring to light the fact that there was A LOT of cheating going on because not only did half of the class get exactly the same result as me, they got the same wrong answer for that question. Turned out the lad next to me was copying and passing the answers round to his mates.

I was not in any trouble as the teacher knew that none of them would normally have got even have the score I got!

half* the score

I just made meatballs and in honour of this thread I told my kids, not to bark up my own tree, but those meatballs were good. My DC1 said ''it was the red wine''. Dc2 didn't bat an eyelid. I'm going to keep saying it. I like it.

Talking to DM this morning about our drive across Switzerland and twice she commented about remembering to buy our vinaigrettes , I'd love it if we were fined for not buying enough condiments.

My husband & his family have often asked me for ‘just a slither of cake for me please’. Every time! I relish it & do my faux confused face saying ‘slither…slither? Like a snake? Do you mean sliver’. I know I’m a pedantic cow bag but I just can’t help myself.

My colleague announced at a work dinner that he was a Presbyterian, he meant to say a pescetarian.

I once took a client out for lunch and I was feeling a bit nervous. When the waitress arrived I ordered two glasses of prosciutto - she looked at me really oddly and then said "do you mean prosecco?" which obviously I did and I wanted the ground to open up! Would have been hilarious if she had brought two glasses filled with Italian ham!

I had a work colleague many years ago who came out with some great malapropisms. Her son was learning to play the 'autistic' guitar. She had chocolate 'portfolios' for dessert. Someone she knew had given a 'facetious' address.

Reminds me of an ancient thread on here where someone in a busy waiting room with a whingeing toddler told him affectionately that he was being a ‘whiny tinker’, only it came out as ‘tiny wanker'

Aaah lovely meggle. That brings back some memories.

My grandmother was terrible about this stuff. She used to call the store Habitat, Happy-tap.

Oprah Winfrey was Winnifred Osprey.

When I was waitressing and explaining to a table of 14 ( including children) than we had Red Snapoer with a ‘porno’ cream sauce (Pernod)

Reminds me of a restaurant review I once read that said the Hollandaise sauce owed more to Ron Jeremy than Escoffier.

I once told my mum I’d had a pornographic photo taken at school.
It was panoramic 📷

@ChattanoogaShoeShoe

I once knew a lovely person who had a job interview in a prison. Half way through her comprehensive PowerPoint presentation on "penile reform" she realised a basic proof reading of the slides would have saved a lot of chortling from the panel...

I was at a very grand dinner party where the guest of honour remarked about a single-cell orgasm. We weren't sure whether he had prison or a nunnery in mind.

My colleague in a sandwich shop ordered a grilled cheese punani. I nearly died!

Shitted feets has ended me.

I have told DH who is the absolute King of both spoonerisms and malapropisms, although of course I can't remember any examples

I do remember a boy narrating the school Nativity and mentioning the "cows and arses in the stable" which the audience found amusing!

Someone I used to work with was talking to another colleague about drinking. The other person said he rarely drank but would occasionally have a small glass of brandy. Mrs Malaprop said, "I see. Just a nipple?"

@AdditionalCharacter

I have a friend who pronounces th as f. She wrong thingers once, and took a while to realise she mean fingers and genuinely thought it was just her mispronunciation.

Around East London, an accent is often assumed. Years ago, someone hoping for a game of darts was asked his name. "Phil" the man said clearly, only for the current player to correct his pronunciation and chalk it up as 'Thil'.

About ten years ago, trying to make small talk with a new boss; we were talking about games on the iPad - and I said I played vejazzle. I mean bejewelled. Which was almost as embarrassing as I was a 20 year+ corporate lawyer 🤡

I met an old boy in a pub many years ago when I was 20 who told me that during the war he had been an ostentatious conjecture. It took me a moment to work it out. Loved it.

A dear friend of mine died very unexpectedly while she was on a lunch break with a coworker. The Coworker, who was understandably upset , called me and kept repeating "there was nothing that could be done! There was a PARALEGAL there and even he couldn't do anything! That poor paralegal tried so hard to save her!"

I was at a very grand dinner party where the guest of honour remarked about a single-cell orgasm.

Many, many years ago I was at an American Lung Association conference. As part of the ceremony on the first evening, the organisers had invited the actor Jason Robards - of All The President's Men and Once Upon a Time in the West fame - to perform a reading of an excerpt from a book about the discovery of the bacterium causing tuberculosis. In front of close to a thousand doctors, scientists, public health experts, etc.

He reached the point where the disease was convincingly linked to the organism Mycobacterium tuberculosis, declaiming, "Mycobacteria: one of the most virulent orgasms ever known to man!"

I work with a woman who knows EVERYTHING about everything. There isn't a subject she is an expert on. Today we had a team meeting with our brand new CEO.
This woman didn't want to be made The Escape Goat
I nearly suffocated stifling my laughter at the Big Boss's face

My favourite one from my DS when he was in the nursery told me that he was the 'merkin'.