Social media mums - making poor mum's feel like shit since the dawn of the internet

[Fysal]

Just been scrolling through TikTok and came across a mum/baby account, the mum is youngish in her 20's and the baby about 7 months.

There was really sweet 'a day in the life' content showing what they do with their day, what they eat, fun activities. Lots of themed sensory activities and messy play in those Tuff tray things, making a farm yard out of pasta and coco pops for example. Things that take ages to set up and she does it with a smile. Baby ends up in a total mess which is fine because she gets bathed every night before bed as part of their routine.

The occasional well deserved night out with the girls, cocktails and nice food.

I could go on but you get the gist. She just seemed like the perfect mum.

No cute nightly bath routine for us, it's every 2nd or third day and it's always a nightmare - not the tranquil experience I'm seeing on the internet with other people's kids.

The tiktok babies bedroom was stunning. Lovely furniture, she showed inside her babies wardrobe which was full of neatly hung, well ironed pretty clothes. The whites were bright crisp white.

I haven't managed to keep my kids white clothes white for more than a month. I haven't seen an iron in years. If something is going to need ironing regularly I tend not to buy it. I'm not very domestic to be honest. The flat is clean but never stays tidy.

No beautifully arranged wardrobes for the kids here, just folded away into cheap plastic drawers.

She showed herself freezing ozs and ozs of breast milk, she'd managed to exclusively BF for 7 months now her daughter is doing baby led weaning.

I failed to establish BF and only managed to express for a few weeks.

All of the TikTok babies meals were lovingly prepared and beautifully presented, exciting and experimental recipes from a glossy BLW cook book. Baby ate from those cute bamboo bowls shaped like bunnies. Picturesque.

My eldest lives on chicken nuggets. He won't eat a thing else because of his ARIFD and autism.

The TikTok mum goes to lots of baby groups. My anxiety wouldn't get me past the front door if I decided I wanted to do something like that.

Don't get me wrong my children are loved but we don't have a particularly great life, not compared to families like that anyway.

AIBU to think social media makes poor / depressed people feel even more shit?

@DdraigGoch

I bet that baby is no happier than yours

This

Social media is SO hard. I get very jealous of people's lovely big houses - mine is a two up, two down that took nearly a decade to save up for, but it's all a highlight reel online. Don't believe everything you see, it's very easy to edit a few clips together and make it look like it's one day. It could be a bunch of clips from a period of days/weeks edited together to look perfect. It's a highlight reel.

Please try and find some time for yourself to have a breather and feel a little more content in yourself. You'll feel less bothered by this if you can have a little "you" time - a bath, a walk, read a few pages of a good book etc. It's so easy to put all your focus on the kids and then you forget yourself in the process. You're doing amazing, your children are well cared for and happy and that's all that matters. "Comparison is the thief of joy". Stay strong, OP.

@plominoagain

*I have a subscription to country homes and interiors. A Christmas presents from my mum . I always say it’s what I want my house to look like when I grow up. I’m 50. It’s always a house owned by Nigel ( who works in finance ) and Geraldine Hartley-Farquhar who used to be a hedge fund manager but gave it all up when she discovered a talent for gardening /painting/running a yoga studio . It’s almost always painted in some Farrow and ball shade beige , and with artfully curated objet that they sourced from their frequent trips to the Lower Transvaal . No B and M shiny Buddhas for them . And every month I read it with an inner commentary and notice that no one ever seems to watch telly. Or actually use their bathroom/spa annexe .

None of it is real . It’s a gigantic aspirational con , to make you want a life that NO ONE ( except possibly Tamara Ecclestone) leads . And even she got burgled.*

Do you write opinion pieces for the Guardian on Sunday? If you don't, you should.

Disclaimer: I'm not an Instagram/TikTok person and have actually never even posted anything on social media about our DC

Having said that, I find it such a lazy argument when people trot out the whole "bet her life isn't really like that" or "she's probably miserable" etc.

Some people prioritise different things and have different sets of circumstances to yours or even sheer luck. Some people have charmed lives and are deliriously happy.

You have to come to terms with that and stop comparing your life to others'
Because you're comparing apples with oranges.

Telling yourself that other woman is secretly shit won't change your circumstances. So change what you'd like to change and address what you can

My advice is water your grass so you stop looking at how green your neighbour's is.

And let's not put other women down because they prioritise other things.

@Bhud

And she isn’t nailing it because as a social fucking influencer she has a social fucking responsibility not to present a pseudo-reality of a fucking sterilised fake life that could be achievable by all women if they just tried hard enough. Where is her social conscious- has she sold it for some paint for her beautiful nursery

She has no explicit responsibility to anyone else at all. Why on earth would you say that?

I found parenting with small ones fairly easy! I didn’t choose white as a colour for them to wear (3 boys 🤣no chance) but other than being on the go constantly, I didn’t find it hard.

Clean, well-mannered kids, freshly prepared foods, many nice day trips and activities.

So sue me 🤷🏼‍♀️

I had more time as a parent than I ever had at work!

Now my boys are all waaaaaay older, it’s not so easy, I freely admit that. I am tired a lot with teenagers.

So please stop swearing, and implying that those of us who don’t/didn’t struggle are either lying, irresponsible or some kind of mutant parent.

She may be doing this as a paid role, but in life generally with everything, some people can’t! Some can! And some just do it better.

She has no explicit responsibility to anyone else at all. Why on earth would you say that?

Because I have a different opinion to yours about social responsibility?

So please stop swearing, and implying that those of us who don’t/didn’t struggle are either lying, irresponsible or some kind of mutant parent.

This is a total derail of the thread onto me, my sweariness, and your interpretation of my opinion, none of which seem to be particularly relevant or helpful to the OP’s question which was AIBU to think social media makes poor / depressed people feel even more shit?

I don’t think the OP was U. Especially with a child with AFRID, Autism, a teething baby and other difficulties.

It's like a snapshot of anything.

My DD is cute as a button from a distance/for 10 seconds. She specialises in charming elderly ladies in supermarkets who think she's adorable.

If they had her for 10 minutes at bedtime/when it's time to turn off coco melon the reality would horrify them

But also OP - I know this is hard but you have to try and tell yourself... the bad luck you have in some things (Arfid etc).... that's not your fault. Its not anything attributable to you as a parent, and the fact that it has happened in your life not theirs is not something that should make you feel worse about yourself. Iyswim.

@Bhud

She has no explicit responsibility to anyone else at all. Why on earth would you say that?

Because I have a different opinion to yours about social responsibility?

So please stop swearing, and implying that those of us who don’t/didn’t struggle are either lying, irresponsible or some kind of mutant parent.

This is a total derail of the thread onto me, my sweariness, and your interpretation of my opinion, none of which seem to be particularly relevant or helpful to the OP’s question which was AIBU to think social media makes poor / depressed people feel even more shit?

I don’t think the OP was U. Especially with a child with AFRID, Autism, a teething baby and other difficulties.

So thin people shouldn’t ever model? Pretty people shouldn’t ever model?

In case someone fat or plain feels bad about themselves??

Great cooks shouldn’t show off their skills?

It’s crazy.

If people feel small, unless someone else is actively targeting it towards them, they should look inwards and work on themselves where they can. Not hold other people response for their own feelings of inadequacy.

@Bhud

She has no explicit responsibility to anyone else at all. Why on earth would you say that?

Because I have a different opinion to yours about social responsibility?

So please stop swearing, and implying that those of us who don’t/didn’t struggle are either lying, irresponsible or some kind of mutant parent.

This is a total derail of the thread onto me, my sweariness, and your interpretation of my opinion, none of which seem to be particularly relevant or helpful to the OP’s question which was AIBU to think social media makes poor / depressed people feel even more shit?

I don’t think the OP was U. Especially with a child with AFRID, Autism, a teething baby and other difficulties.

You said someone who makes money on the gram has sold their conscience for some nursery paint.

Dramatic and insanely judgemental much.

Maintaining the wardrobe alone would be a full time job. You fold your kids clothes, I just throw them all in a drawer, everything except socks they are generally to be found in the odd sock basket 😂 kids don’t care. I’m sorry your bathtimes aren’t more fun I like ours although the pile of wet yucky toys all over bathroom means I don’t enjoy using bath myself! I think you should stop following such people!

I know a couple of women who seem to live Insta-perfect lives (both are trying to be influencers and have followers at around the 10k mark) and the common denominator both have is money!

One of them is in her mid twenties and has married a wealthy man in his forties and has two children with him. They have a massive house with a pool, so perfect for Instagram pictures. She cooks amazing meals in her lovely kitchen using her expensive thermomix and can easily afford good ingredients. She and her kids are always picture perfect as they can afford nice clothes, and she has regular beauty treatments, hair appointments etc. She also works out every day in their home gym. She has no worries about money and no need to work so has plenty of time to make pasta farmyards or the equivalent. I think she is quite a driven woman; some might say marrying the wealthy older man was strategic and was a 'driven' decision too.

Anyone that has to validate every action/thought/trip online is not happy