Social media mums - making poor mum's feel like shit since the dawn of the internet

[Fysal]

Just been scrolling through TikTok and came across a mum/baby account, the mum is youngish in her 20's and the baby about 7 months.

There was really sweet 'a day in the life' content showing what they do with their day, what they eat, fun activities. Lots of themed sensory activities and messy play in those Tuff tray things, making a farm yard out of pasta and coco pops for example. Things that take ages to set up and she does it with a smile. Baby ends up in a total mess which is fine because she gets bathed every night before bed as part of their routine.

The occasional well deserved night out with the girls, cocktails and nice food.

I could go on but you get the gist. She just seemed like the perfect mum.

No cute nightly bath routine for us, it's every 2nd or third day and it's always a nightmare - not the tranquil experience I'm seeing on the internet with other people's kids.

The tiktok babies bedroom was stunning. Lovely furniture, she showed inside her babies wardrobe which was full of neatly hung, well ironed pretty clothes. The whites were bright crisp white.

I haven't managed to keep my kids white clothes white for more than a month. I haven't seen an iron in years. If something is going to need ironing regularly I tend not to buy it. I'm not very domestic to be honest. The flat is clean but never stays tidy.

No beautifully arranged wardrobes for the kids here, just folded away into cheap plastic drawers.

She showed herself freezing ozs and ozs of breast milk, she'd managed to exclusively BF for 7 months now her daughter is doing baby led weaning.

I failed to establish BF and only managed to express for a few weeks.

All of the TikTok babies meals were lovingly prepared and beautifully presented, exciting and experimental recipes from a glossy BLW cook book. Baby ate from those cute bamboo bowls shaped like bunnies. Picturesque.

My eldest lives on chicken nuggets. He won't eat a thing else because of his ARIFD and autism.

The TikTok mum goes to lots of baby groups. My anxiety wouldn't get me past the front door if I decided I wanted to do something like that.

Don't get me wrong my children are loved but we don't have a particularly great life, not compared to families like that anyway.

AIBU to think social media makes poor / depressed people feel even more shit?

You've got on to some kind of performance parenting algorithm on TikTok. Yesterday I saw one with a mum making her daughter potato alphabet shapes saying YOU PISS ME OFF for tea. It takes all sorts, just scroll on by .

My sister is a huge fan of Instagram with thousands of followers. When you see the pics and reels the house always looks like something out of a film set, beautifully styled, everything perfectly coiffed etc. However, when you actually go there, it’s like a tornado has just hit 😆 It’s an absolute mess with my nieces and nephews.
It’s all for show and that’s what it is for this TikTok mum. Is your kid happy eating chicken nuggets out of a plastic bowl? Well that’s fine then. Who cares about bamboo bowls. The clothes are probably only bright white because she bought them yesterday and…ironing kids clothes 😂

It really doesn't make a difference to how happy you are.

Babies don't need fancy stuff, they can't tell that from anything else.

I went to state schools and private schools, and the happiest times/families I remember weren't from the private school. They were from running around like maniacs in my friend's (very basic) house and garden, going to the local park, having BBQ's...just a gaggle of messy kids lol. One ended up doing sports professionally, two went to Ivy League universities.

I also remember going to one girl's incredible mansion with designer clothes, everything you could dream of. She was a lovely girl but wasn't happy then and is now a recovering heroin addict.

That's obviously just two examples but if you looked at the kids' lives materially, you wouldn't expect the outcome. It's love and social interaction, not money, that kids need.

I voted YABU because you have a choice ad don’t have to watch it and like others say should know it’s not real life.

Just think of all the time it takes to iron and hang baby clothes, prep aesthetically pleasing meals, intricate activities, she's probably exhausted and hating life but has to keep up appearances.

I'd rather spend the time playing with dc

@Marmelace

It's all fur coat and no knickers

This is my new favourite saying and I will be using it.

Also OP you are in the right about bathing. It’s better for their skin not to every day. Just because she does it one way and makes it look pretty in pictures, doesnt mean it is the right way. Or reality for that matter.

I've a friend who's a social worker and unless paid help this ring alarm bells as parent spending longer doing images that interacting with baby. I suspect in this case the mum feels control by posting the photos but real life would be totally different.

And it's vvv bad for DD to have a bath every day as skin can't cope. Doctor advised twice a week

My mum used to use the phrase about fur coats and no knickers regularly.

Last summer I was at a farm park with some relatives. We saw a couple of mums constantly trying to pose their small children in front of cute animals or on the more attractive play equipment. Once a suitable number of photos had been taken the children were whisked off to the next photo opportunity. No time to properly look at the animals, talk about them or actually play. It was so sad.

If actually making any money - paid help.

If not - concerning and most likely neglectful.

Stop looking at any of those accounts like it's real. Baby years are chaos and mess and anyone who says other wise is lying or has paid help to deal with said chaos!

Yabu, it's not real.how many hours a day does it take to plan and produce a perfect looking social media page? Probably ages and that time not doesn't with her child.socisl media is an illusion, no one shows times when lifes a bit rubbish.

I missed the bit about a bath every day. I have been doing twice a week, three times if a nappy explosion on the advice of HV re skin. It is funny though because I often hear people say about tea, bath, story, bed for the routine and I wouldn't have known this was bad advice.

I mean this kindly, but you need to understand it’s not about you. She’s not making content to make you feel like shit, because she doesn’t know you. If another mum parents differently to you, that’s not a judgment on your choices, that’s just her living her life.

It sounds like taking a break from social media might be a good idea. Are you getting any support IRL for your anxiety?

I've put YABU only because I can guarantee she is only blogging the 'good' bits. I bet you she has 3am meltdowns, days where she sworn under her breath when the baby cries yet again, and as many moments of self doubt as the rest of us.

It sounds like you are finding life tough but I think you need to use the off switch, the way other people appear to live their lives can be fascinating to watch but if it's upsetting you then you need to turn away.

I pumped for my second baby and literally made gallons of milk. Like 700ml each time I pumped. I gave away 30L and still couldn't store enough of it. But in reality I had to artificially make sure I was an over producer because DH lost his job and I had to go to work when the baby was only 3 months old and pumping milk for him was the only thing I could do for him because we were always apart. You never know what is going on behind these only photos. I remember following a friend of a friend who seemed to have it all so easy, 2 daughters all in neutral colours and clean but in reality she was going through a very difficult separation. It's just a tiny glimpse of people's lives.

OP it is your choice too look or not too look at anyone's social media

Even at a lower level, with your friends, it skews away from the truth because people only put up the good photos. Let me tell you about DD2 and the giraffe. One day, because I am a masochist, I elected to take the kids to the zoo during the school holidays. The kids were very excited by the idea and I thought it would be nice. It was not nice. They were grumpy, stressed, constantly asking for sweets at every concession we passed. The zoo (Whipsnade) is lovely but massive and there’s a lot of walking to be done. The whole thing ended with realising the kids had hit a brick wall - right at the far end of the zoo, and having to either walk back (they wouldn’t) or wait for the bus (they wouldn’t). When I got home, while they were eating their meal and chatting about what a lovely day they’d had () I flicked through some pictures I’d taken and there was a particularly good one of DD2 in the giraffe house. I uploaded it to FB without any comment - just the photo.

The comments from friends and family did make me laugh though. “That looks like a lovely day!” “Ah - she looks so happy!” “Lovely mum and daughter time!”. It was not lovely. It was hell on a stick and the best thing about the whole day was getting home and turning on CBeebies. Taught me a lot about social media, that day did…

I can’t remember what it’s called, but there’s a great documentary about Instsgram on BBC at the moment. It explains how when you start scrolling, the platform not only starts to show content but also ads related to your interest. So for example, if you look at healthy eating, you’ll also be bombarded with ads for diet products such as shakes, supplements and work out packages. If you look at mum and baby pages, you’ll see ads for baby clothes, wooden toys, baby cook books etc.

Basically the whole experience is designed to make you think you need to aspire to the lifestyle of the influences and to make you believe that, if you buy the advertised products, you can achieve that sort of life. Which we all know is bollocks.

I’ve been drawn in my stuff on socials in the past. I always knew there was a level of fakery and manipulation but until I saw the documentary, I admit I didn’t realise quite how far these platforms go. I also didn’t realise how damaging they can be to your mental health.

The best advice I got was to take socials off my phone. I deleted the apps. I still have an Instagram account but I have to go to the sight and log in, so the inconvenience means I don’t just scroll habitually and I’m far more selective with my feed.

@Spud1130

Comparison is the thief of joy

THIS /\

@Fysal
Don't follow any of these people. I don't, do your own thing, plough your own furrow.

These are strictly edited ''Highlights'' and only show what they want you to see.

Be grateful for what you have.

It probably took her two weeks to film that day in the life of.

So don’t look at it.
There are probably many things currently, and there will be many more that could make you feel
Inadequate etc, but the problem lies with you.
Comparison is the thief of joy!

I hate threads like this because it always winds up as a criticism of the insta/TikTok mum.

I definitely live a life more in line with yours that anything I've seen on social media - just don't want the things that make you feel shit. Social media's meant to be fun not an act of self-flagellation (sp?).

I don't understand why you're putting your self worth in the control of some woman on TikTok. I think people that need to watch other TikTok/Instagrammers being 'real' and having a tough time are equally odd. Obviously everyone struggles with parenting and has difficult moments - do you really need a random person on the internet to tell you that?

@Gregsprinkles

And to be honest she sounds pretty young to be a mum… I’d be wondering about her career

Really? Are women still doing this to each other?

I agree completely. Mumsnet is bloody horrible for this. So much slating of other women for just doing what they’re doing and not harming anyone.