Social media mums - making poor mum's feel like shit since the dawn of the internet

[Fysal]

Just been scrolling through TikTok and came across a mum/baby account, the mum is youngish in her 20's and the baby about 7 months.

There was really sweet 'a day in the life' content showing what they do with their day, what they eat, fun activities. Lots of themed sensory activities and messy play in those Tuff tray things, making a farm yard out of pasta and coco pops for example. Things that take ages to set up and she does it with a smile. Baby ends up in a total mess which is fine because she gets bathed every night before bed as part of their routine.

The occasional well deserved night out with the girls, cocktails and nice food.

I could go on but you get the gist. She just seemed like the perfect mum.

No cute nightly bath routine for us, it's every 2nd or third day and it's always a nightmare - not the tranquil experience I'm seeing on the internet with other people's kids.

The tiktok babies bedroom was stunning. Lovely furniture, she showed inside her babies wardrobe which was full of neatly hung, well ironed pretty clothes. The whites were bright crisp white.

I haven't managed to keep my kids white clothes white for more than a month. I haven't seen an iron in years. If something is going to need ironing regularly I tend not to buy it. I'm not very domestic to be honest. The flat is clean but never stays tidy.

No beautifully arranged wardrobes for the kids here, just folded away into cheap plastic drawers.

She showed herself freezing ozs and ozs of breast milk, she'd managed to exclusively BF for 7 months now her daughter is doing baby led weaning.

I failed to establish BF and only managed to express for a few weeks.

All of the TikTok babies meals were lovingly prepared and beautifully presented, exciting and experimental recipes from a glossy BLW cook book. Baby ate from those cute bamboo bowls shaped like bunnies. Picturesque.

My eldest lives on chicken nuggets. He won't eat a thing else because of his ARIFD and autism.

The TikTok mum goes to lots of baby groups. My anxiety wouldn't get me past the front door if I decided I wanted to do something like that.

Don't get me wrong my children are loved but we don't have a particularly great life, not compared to families like that anyway.

AIBU to think social media makes poor / depressed people feel even more shit?

Drop the socials, who cares what others are doing.

@georgarina

It really doesn't make a difference to how happy you are.

Babies don't need fancy stuff, they can't tell that from anything else.

I went to state schools and private schools, and the happiest times/families I remember weren't from the private school. They were from running around like maniacs in my friend's (very basic) house and garden, going to the local park, having BBQ's...just a gaggle of messy kids lol. One ended up doing sports professionally, two went to Ivy League universities.

I also remember going to one girl's incredible mansion with designer clothes, everything you could dream of. She was a lovely girl but wasn't happy then and is now a recovering heroin addict.

That's obviously just two examples but if you looked at the kids' lives materially, you wouldn't expect the outcome. It's love and social interaction, not money, that kids need.

Yes...Re 'Wealthy' families, I bought an item from one a few years ago, sadly one committed suicide as and the other died of a heroin overdose.

The parent also had heroin addiction.

Yet they were part of ''Gilded youth'' years ago, definitely privileged and ''Landed'' but were the kids happy?
Evidently not.

last summer we were staying in a yurt. the yurt next to us had an instagram mummy. She was constantly filming and photographing her child. Posing, encouraging her to say things, staging photos....I was shocked.

Terrible for the child.

@KitKat1985

I've put YABU only because I can guarantee she is only blogging the 'good' bits. I bet you she has 3am meltdowns, days where she sworn under her breath when the baby cries yet again, and as many moments of self doubt as the rest of us.

Absolutely this! Pretty much like most people’s SM I imagine. I mean I would think most posters here have, or have had FB.

Most of the time only the nice, posed photos get posted there, and that’s not even paid content.

Why would you expect this to be any different?

I will never comprehend why people obsessively scroll thru ‘insta’ fixating over strangers’ ‘perfect’ lives, lapping it all up and believing the portrayal to be authentic.

And if you are unhappy with your lot, believing all the hype and scrolling thru these accounts is tantamount to self harm. Why do it to yourself if it makes you feel so crap?

What you are seeing is a set. It’s advertising, plain and simple.

It would be like watching a movie and being so convinced by the skilful acting and incredible set that you think you are watching real events unfold before your eyes

Well it's easier to curate a perfect image of Mother and baby right now as she's only months old. But, soon that baby will be a teenager with moods and feelings and her mum can't control that. She may even grow to resent her mum for sharing her baby years with strangers and using her as a marketing tool.

I'm guessing Mummy won't be sharing that part on social media.

We have one of these mums where I live... Over 100k insta followers... She couldn't be further from her online persona... Unpleasant to her neighbours, thinks she's a celebrity, four kids left unattended on the road (when the online pics show them crafting endlessly) her mom does all the childcare & her husband has had numerous affairs ending with the police coming to the house... Her insta uber middle class mum persona is nothing like her actual life.. I feel for it too when I my kids were born... But think of all that time they're spending online... Setting up the perfect shot... Getting the dc's & themselves made up for the perfect shot.. Its all bullshit.. The dc of the "ubermum" near me would be bordering on neglect if it wasn't for her mum

Why persist in looking at material things that make you feel inadequate? Your children are loved and cared for. End of.

Tattle calls most of the fakeness out. Its all lies :-)

@Feelingthepinch22

We have one of these mums where I live... Over 100k insta followers... She couldn't be further from her online persona... Unpleasant to her neighbours, thinks she's a celebrity, four kids left unattended on the road (when the online pics show them crafting endlessly) her mom does all the childcare & her husband has had numerous affairs ending with the police coming to the house... Her insta uber middle class mum persona is nothing like her actual life.. I feel for it too when I my kids were born... But think of all that time they're spending online... Setting up the perfect shot... Getting the dc's & themselves made up for the perfect shot.. Its all bullshit.. The dc of the "ubermum" near me would be bordering on neglect if it wasn't for her mum

I know one too and her life is NOTHING like she portrays online. Tattle had her spot on but she sent the wolves on them if a negative word is said. Sadly she is miserable so don't fall for It

It's her job to appear perfect, the pressure must be immense and the damage caused to the children of these professional perfectionist will become apparent when they write their tell all memoirs at 18. Also by the sound of it she has one child whole you have multiples, it's much easier to have a glossy veneer on your life as a mother of one and I say that as someone who is one and done.

Nothing that you see on the Internet is real, it is curated to sell you something.

One phrase that comes to mind?
Fuck off.

Just fucking, fuck off. I wish people would be honest and not post shit like this, as it's not Real Life. I think it make mums feel 100% more pressured to be the perfect mum, as if we aren't under enough pressure as it it.

The only way someone can live like this is if they have someone clean their house for them/ cook the meals. It's just not possible. And what's missing in their life to have to put this image up? Ignore it OP.

‘ a well timed wet wipe can clean the folds of baby's neck (when they sleep)’. That’s a useful tip for both adults & children.

@Fysal you sound like a tip-top lovely mum, never mind that TikTok bollox.

My daily routine sounds more like the tiktok mum's (except for the beautiful nursery as baby is still in my room) but that doesn't mean things are easy.

Yes I go to groups most days, but my baby's dad hasn't even met her yet

Yes she's breastfed, but her sleep is awful and I'm exhausted most of the time (plus i have a chronic health condition that adds to the fun!)

Yes we do lots of play and I try to set things up for her, but I'm on statuary maternity pay (which is about to run out) with no financial support from DP

Yes we do baby led weaning with a cute bamboo plate, but that doesn't mean i don't feel inadequate or depressed

Yes I could probably make things look perfect on social media if I used it but they're not. Everyone just tries to do the best with what they have.

If the tiktok mum you saw is truly as happy as she makes out then good for her but if that's the case she is the exception.

All we can aim for is to be the best mum we can be with what we are given and if that's what you're doing then you should be just as proud as she is.

I'd rather be me and parent without my phone glued to my hand making sure everything is rosy and perfect then editing it to within an inch of its life

To each their own, but no thank you

Mine were young years before even Facebook came along.This thread made me ponder on which of the people at my mother and baby group would have done the Instagram type thing. There was one young woman, who I am still in contact with today, who I think would have very much lived that life . Not because she wanted to but because her husband was a very , very vain, image obsessed man. It was in the 90s . The Next directory used to arrive in the post twice a year. Centre parcs had just arrived in the UK and it was the place to go. Her husband used to insist that the children (2) had completely new wardrobes of clothes each season. All from the bible that was the Next directory. He and my friend were to have new clothes too. He would decide what everyone wore. They were all to be immaculate at all times. If you had seen them cycling about at Centre Parcs in their perfect outfits, her with perfect hair and make up, just like a Boden catalogue before Boden even existed, you would have thought 'Wow ,what a perfect family'. It was all absolute bollocks. He had multiple affairs. She was utterly crushed and miserable.She spent hours at the gym because he had told her that if she got fat he would leave her. We all went line dancing for a while. She invited the woman he was sleeping with at the time to join us. She said "Well if she is with me, at least I can be sure she isnt with him" After one 'perfect' holiday trip she returned home to find that her marriage was effectively over as he had got their 16 year old babysitter pregnant. He left her. It's very often all smoke and mirrors Op. There is very little to wish for.

Well.

When my youngest was a baby, I posted a few pictures and little videos of him enjoying a paddling pool, digging his fingers into his lunch, falling asleep etc. He is my DHs only bio child and his family live halfway across the world and asked to see some daily activity posted. I think they wanted to share/brag with their friends without doing the OTT thing of emailing them the videos. I didn't do anything like it with my older two, their grandparents and extended family saw them grow up. Anyway, after a week or two of this, a few of the mums from school said "oh, you have such a tidy home and such a lovely routine with your little one." And I was like 😳

Because no I don't and not really I didn't. There was no way I was filming all the clutter and swirling tornado of laundry and toys and dishes and muddy dog prints behind me. No way was I going to say stuff like "We're having early bath time and I am gritting my teeth and counting down the seconds until this little teething monster is in bed, because I can't wait to drink some wine and watch shit TV"

@Chakraleaf

Tattle calls most of the fakeness out. Its all lies :-)

Tattle is a breath of fresh air. I'd recommend to anyone in a similar boat to the op.

My SIL is a mumfluencer. Her feed is overflowing with bamboo this and mustard yellow that. According to her insta, she hand knits everything and feeds him only the purest quality BLW finger foods. All of his clothes, shoes and toys are stored on adorable wooden shelves which are labelled.

In reality, I think she's terribly depressed. Her son has been glued to a screen since the very first day that I met him when he was 10 days old. Just watching singing fruit and Octonauts going around and around. The house is a tip, there's cat shit everywhere and piles and piles of dirty clothes everywhere. None of them hand knitted.

When I go around, he's restrained in a bouncy chair that he's outgrown, watching telly and eating Wotsits. She's on her phone.

I don't judge her, because being a mum is hard and, like I say, I think she's depressed. But I do know that she's her own worst critic and the insta thing isn't good for any of them!

@DdraigGoch

I bet that baby is no happier than yours

I bet that baby will grow up with a LOT less positive interaction and involvement from its parents than your dc.

Think about it. What kind of person is so desperate to present themselves to the world like this all the time? Seeking approval, making themselves feel better? Popular? Important?

I look at these people and pity them! It’s sad! They’re Far too busy for the gram to stop and enjoy life itself. I’d far rather know someone like you @Fysal!

@DetailMouse

My eldest was born in 2001 and whilst I think SM existed, I wasn't an early adopter However, the mums from my ante natal group still managed to make me feel shit. Women have been doing this to each other since forever

Have women being doing it to each other or are we doing it to ourselves?

You realise she posts all this because she wants others to think she’s a good mum, which means she needs external validation that she’s a good mum. The mums I know are too busy for this shit!

You need to follow Shitmumsclub on tiktok if you need an alternative reality. Katie is definitely more my type of mum.

Sorry I haven’t rtft so not sure if someone has already mentioned this. What stood out to me was your anxiety, and as your son is diagnosed autistic have you considered that you might be as well?

I agree with all the other comments about social media not being real/not holding yourself up to unrealistic standards. And this applies 10 fold if you are neurodiverse. You need to live & raise your family in a way that makes YOU happy, and not care what anyone else is doing.

Your children will thank you for it as well, as it will likely be much more in line with what they need to feel secure, regulated & supported.