Social media mums - making poor mum's feel like shit since the dawn of the internet

[Fysal]

Just been scrolling through TikTok and came across a mum/baby account, the mum is youngish in her 20's and the baby about 7 months.

There was really sweet 'a day in the life' content showing what they do with their day, what they eat, fun activities. Lots of themed sensory activities and messy play in those Tuff tray things, making a farm yard out of pasta and coco pops for example. Things that take ages to set up and she does it with a smile. Baby ends up in a total mess which is fine because she gets bathed every night before bed as part of their routine.

The occasional well deserved night out with the girls, cocktails and nice food.

I could go on but you get the gist. She just seemed like the perfect mum.

No cute nightly bath routine for us, it's every 2nd or third day and it's always a nightmare - not the tranquil experience I'm seeing on the internet with other people's kids.

The tiktok babies bedroom was stunning. Lovely furniture, she showed inside her babies wardrobe which was full of neatly hung, well ironed pretty clothes. The whites were bright crisp white.

I haven't managed to keep my kids white clothes white for more than a month. I haven't seen an iron in years. If something is going to need ironing regularly I tend not to buy it. I'm not very domestic to be honest. The flat is clean but never stays tidy.

No beautifully arranged wardrobes for the kids here, just folded away into cheap plastic drawers.

She showed herself freezing ozs and ozs of breast milk, she'd managed to exclusively BF for 7 months now her daughter is doing baby led weaning.

I failed to establish BF and only managed to express for a few weeks.

All of the TikTok babies meals were lovingly prepared and beautifully presented, exciting and experimental recipes from a glossy BLW cook book. Baby ate from those cute bamboo bowls shaped like bunnies. Picturesque.

My eldest lives on chicken nuggets. He won't eat a thing else because of his ARIFD and autism.

The TikTok mum goes to lots of baby groups. My anxiety wouldn't get me past the front door if I decided I wanted to do something like that.

Don't get me wrong my children are loved but we don't have a particularly great life, not compared to families like that anyway.

AIBU to think social media makes poor / depressed people feel even more shit?

You mustn't fall into the trap of believing everything you see/read on the internet. It will have been carefully staged and retaken many times until it looks perfect, real life just isn't like that.

If it makes you feel like shit watching her account then don't follow her and step away. I watched something similar and the mum has a baby a little older than mine. She looked great compared to me, I'm overweight she wasn't but not quite back to her normal self. She was giving an insight into her life as a single mum with lots of family support. I have a husband and three kids. My life is in no way similar to hers. I'm on my own journey. I watched one video I won't watch more because I don't feel our lives are similar in any way.

As long as you're doing your best who cares what anyone is up to. x

I’ve recently had several conversations with my 16 yo dd about the total bullshit on the ‘gram . We’re relatively comfortable but not minted by any stretch of the imagination. Yet she could easily spin our life to look so much wealthier than it actually is . Yes , we’ve got horses . All that have been rescues and have taken a shit ton of actual blood and tears to sort out . Yes we have a very photogenic Dalmatian. Another rescue who came to us as a psycho with a food guarding problem that almost got her put down . Yes we have a big house . Another rescue job that we bought in a universally loathed by mumsnet area of east anglia ,stretched ourselves to the limit to buy , and have then spent the next 17 years fixing in bit parts as and when we can afford to. At the moment, it’s rained for the last week , so the whole house is full of fucking mud , we lost 3 willows in the last storm , and because DH has one day off a week, we’ve not finished clearing them yet , so they’re still laying on the field .

But , come the spring , when the mud has dried , the trees are cleared , the dog is white and the horses have their summer coats , you could easily take pictures of us having lunch in our field surrounded by white hawthorn blossom and artisanally hand thrown pork pies , and think that we did it every day .

I have a subscription to country homes and interiors. A Christmas presents from my mum . I always say it’s what I want my house to look like when I grow up. I’m 50. It’s always a house owned by Nigel ( who works in finance ) and Geraldine Hartley-Farquhar who used to be a hedge fund manager but gave it all up when she discovered a talent for gardening /painting/running a yoga studio . It’s almost always painted in some Farrow and ball shade beige , and with artfully curated objet that they sourced from their frequent trips to the Lower Transvaal . No B and M shiny Buddhas for them . And every month I read it with an inner commentary and notice that no one ever seems to watch telly. Or actually use their bathroom/spa annexe .

None of it is real . It’s a gigantic aspirational con , to make you want a life that NO ONE ( except possibly Tamara Ecclestone) leads . And even she got burgled.

Social media is terrible for things like this.
Imagine why this person feels she has to make a video for thousands of people she doesn't know. She probably does it because she feels insecure and unworthy. Maybe she's lonely. Maybe she feels she has something to prove to the world.
That's a huge amount of Social media.
Imagine the cut parts of the video.
I assume the video isn't the length of a whole day (12 hours)... so think about what and why she has cut.
If I was a mum these Social media tik toks would drive me crazy because I'm easily influenced, so I get it.

OP.
I am sorry if this Social Media nonsense has made you feel bad. As most other posters have pointed out it is mostly rubbish. The young lady concerned appears to be loving every minute, but as pps have said you do not see the juggling that she has to go through to get these shots.
Meanwhile back in the real world things rarely run that smoothly.
A while ago I was a bit down and a good friend sent me the following. So this is for you and for all the other mums who are maybe not feeling at their best for whatever reason.
"Sometimes you just need to hear it.
You are a phenomenal woman.
A beautiful person doing an extraordinary job, making things happen for those you love and although you might not always feel it, you are loved and appreciated.
It ends by asking recipient to send on to 7 women who deserve to be noticed, and then simply says Love you.
Remember ladies sometimes real life is shit. But You , all of you, with whatever battle scars you have and whatever you are dealing with You are bloody awesome. 💐🍫🍷

None of it is true, they only show you want they want you to see. It's why I rarely use social media, most of it is fake and just makes you feel like crap.

I don't buy this 'none of it is real' bollocks. It's a highlights reel, and you're seeing the best bits, but for some people parenting is easier than it is for others.

If this woman is patient and great with kids and didn't want a career outside of the home then it's perfectly possible that she is nailing it right now. There will be times in the future where she doesn't.

Block her account and stop watching if it makes you feel inferior, but the people of mumsnet pretending that there aren't women who find parenting generally easy aren't helping you.

There will always be someone who is better at everything than you are. That shouldn't erode your sense of worth.

It’s always a house owned by Nigel ( who works in finance ) and Geraldine Hartley-Farquhar who used to be a hedge fund manager but gave it all up when she discovered a talent for gardening /painting/running a yoga studio

You forgot to mention that Geraldine is also the great-granddaughter of the youngest son of the Earl of Whatsitface and inherited a shit ton of money

If this woman is patient and great with kids and didn't want a career outside of the home then it's perfectly possible that she is nailing it right now.

Maybe in an alternate universe this woman is “nailing it right now” the sterilised Insta life presented isn’t “nailing it” - emotional support, stability, consistency and positive role models are a few of the primary needs of children. Clean white clothes, beautiful nursery, cocktails, idyllic bath time, a freezer full of breast milk isn’t nailing it, they are fucking photographs.

Symbols of a sterilised, false happy, clean, un-messy un-emotive living. Is she responsive to her child’s needs, is her home secure, does she provide a good role model to her child, is she a consistent parent, gives me the rage. The very un-Insta rage.

And she isn’t nailing it because as a social fucking influencer she has a social fucking responsibility not to present a pseudo-reality of a fucking sterilised fake life that could be achievable by all women if they just tried hard enough. Where is her social conscious- has she sold it for some paint for her beautiful nursery

No one’s saying that some people don’t find parenting relatively easy. We’re saying the ones that do are self-assured enough not to need to splash it all over social media.

@Fysal

Just been scrolling through TikTok and came across a mum/baby account, the mum is youngish in her 20's and the baby about 7 months.

There was really sweet 'a day in the life' content showing what they do with their day, what they eat, fun activities. Lots of themed sensory activities and messy play in those Tuff tray things, making a farm yard out of pasta and coco pops for example. Things that take ages to set up and she does it with a smile. Baby ends up in a total mess which is fine because she gets bathed every night before bed as part of their routine.

The occasional well deserved night out with the girls, cocktails and nice food.

I could go on but you get the gist. She just seemed like the perfect mum.

No cute nightly bath routine for us, it's every 2nd or third day and it's always a nightmare - not the tranquil experience I'm seeing on the internet with other people's kids.

The tiktok babies bedroom was stunning. Lovely furniture, she showed inside her babies wardrobe which was full of neatly hung, well ironed pretty clothes. The whites were bright crisp white.

I haven't managed to keep my kids white clothes white for more than a month. I haven't seen an iron in years. If something is going to need ironing regularly I tend not to buy it. I'm not very domestic to be honest. The flat is clean but never stays tidy.

No beautifully arranged wardrobes for the kids here, just folded away into cheap plastic drawers.

She showed herself freezing ozs and ozs of breast milk, she'd managed to exclusively BF for 7 months now her daughter is doing baby led weaning.

I failed to establish BF and only managed to express for a few weeks.

All of the TikTok babies meals were lovingly prepared and beautifully presented, exciting and experimental recipes from a glossy BLW cook book. Baby ate from those cute bamboo bowls shaped like bunnies. Picturesque.

My eldest lives on chicken nuggets. He won't eat a thing else because of his ARIFD and autism.

The TikTok mum goes to lots of baby groups. My anxiety wouldn't get me past the front door if I decided I wanted to do something like that.

Don't get me wrong my children are loved but we don't have a particularly great life, not compared to families like that anyway.

AIBU to think social media makes poor / depressed people feel even more shit?

There was an ‘Insta mum’ who basically got famous back in the day for making ‘quick’ recipes for things like oat bars. Until an incredibly famous Indian chef (with a massive legal team) came after her for stealing her recipes. The idiot thought she wouldn’t get caught because the chef was from India. The chef has passed away now but now a lot of her recipes westerners might like are written in Hindi using hard to translate (India specific) methods of cooking.

The damnable reality:
In the UK, half of all mothers develop a mental health problem before or after birth, according to the National Childbirth Trust (NCT). And 10% to 15% experience postnatal depression; many researchers believe the prevalence is even higher. Around 30% of domestic abuse begins in pregnancy. Suicide is the leading cause of death for mothers during their baby’s first year. Research commissioned by the Red Cross and the Co-op in 2016 found that nearly half of mothers under 30 feel lonely often or all the time; 82% feel lonely some of the time. Fewer than 7% of couples, according to a 2019 study from University College London, split the domestic load – let alone the mental load – equally. Most mothers work part time, where pay is lower and prospects for promotion are reduced by more than half. By the time a woman’s first child is 12, she is paid, on average, 33% less than a man, according to the Institute for Fiscal Studies. Becoming a father gives men’s earnings a boost.

from here

Why do you look at this rubbish? It’s entirely your own fault.

@bhud Why are you so unwilling to believe that some people find parenting easy? They do. Just like some people find high powered careers or being thin really easy. It doesn't mean that anyone who doesn't is less valid, or less of a good parent, just that some people find things easier than others.

I find this desperate desire to claim that all social media is fake almost as harmful as social media in general. Someone else being good at something shouldn't make you feel bad about yourself. There will always be people who are more natural parents, who get it right more of the time. Allowing that to make you feel bad about yourself is the real problem here.

[quote LittleGwyneth]@bhud Why are you so unwilling to believe that some people find parenting easy? They do. Just like some people find high powered careers or being thin really easy. It doesn't mean that anyone who doesn't is less valid, or less of a good parent, just that some people find things easier than others.

I find this desperate desire to claim that all social media is fake almost as harmful as social media in general. Someone else being good at something shouldn't make you feel bad about yourself. There will always be people who are more natural parents, who get it right more of the time. Allowing that to make you feel bad about yourself is the real problem here.[/quote]
What makes you think the TikTok mother mentioned in the OP “finds parenting easy?”

What is a “more natural parent?”

How do you know that the TikTok parent in the OP is good at anything other than posing for photographs?

I try to not take offence at anything I read on Mumsnet, because otherwise you'd end up offended at everything you read on Mumsnet... but...

My mother is totally obsessed with my nephew (my brother's son) and, by proxy with his mum (my SIL too)

SIL is a major "mumfluencer" and my mother bangs on day after day about what a "natural mother" she is. And how she's "naturally" better than me. 😅 My silly narcissistic mother is very easily convinced by sepia toned photographs of walks in the park and assumes, (because I'm on no social media whatsoever?) that I'm doing is a far worse job.

I get by. But I think this term "natural parents" is a little damaging. We're all natural parents.

Even if you adopted.
Even if you had IVF.
Even if you have lost a child.
Even if you couldn't breastfeed.
Even if you didn't want to breastfeed.
Even if you miscarried.
Even if you had a C-section.
Even if you were under general anaesthetic when they did it.
Even if you're a single parent.
Even if you're a step parent.
Even if you're same sex parents.
Even if you work 50 hours a week.
Even if you claim benefits.
Even if you have to choose between eating and heating.
Even if they only wear second hand.
Even if they only wear Mini Boden.
Even if they are going through that "naked phase"... for 2 years.
Even if it took you 15 years to conceive.
Even if they have screamed "I hate you" into your face because you confiscated their mobile phone.
Even if you have had a visit from social services.
Even if you only get to see them EOW and half of the holidays.
Even if your 3yo isn't anywhere near potty trained.
Even if they sometimes eat nothing but Ella's kitchen for a week.
Even if you still give them bed time breast milk at 4yo.
Even if you don't buy the special kid's version of Bonjela.
Even if you let them on their iPads too much.
Even if you don't own a copy of Little People Big World David Attenborough Edition.
Even if you co sleep.
Even if you sleep train.
Even if you bathe them in the kitchen sink.
Even if you have a disability.
Even if they're SEN.
Even if the nursery keep taking you aside for "little chats" every day.
Even if someone on Mumsnet has called you "mad" "a helicopter" or "awful"

In fact, especially all of the above. Being a parent is fucking hard and there's no training. We're all natural parents because that's just the nature of the beast.

Mum, if you're reading this, yes I'm absolutely positive that camping won't kill my kids. And no, I don't think it matters that my high chair is from Freecycle.

This is literally her job. Even if she's not being paid to do product placements or ads right now, she's showcasing a lifestyle to advertisers to demonstrate that she 'aligns with their values' and therefore they should employ her.

We all have moments we could put on social media, of course we do. But they're snippets of real life; not the whole day - and they're the bits you want to remember. My 9yo DD1 came leaping down the stairs this morning to tell me she loves me - it was really heart warming, and I'd definitely put that on SM. Probably wouldn't include the absolute battle with her from yesterday morning about brushing her teeth in which I took away pretty much every privilege she has, plus half her pocket money, made her cry, and she still didn't brush her fucking teeth.

They're muddling through as much as the rest of us are.

At this point social media's been around long enough that if you go on it and get green with envy you only have yourself to blame. It's always been like that and always will be. Release yourself.

It's staged, please don't assume that is their real life let alone the reality for most.

Start with stopping looking at these and instead concentrate on you and your kids. Set aims of what you want to achieve eg go to a baby group in a church hall once a fortnight rather than lots of expensive activities. Also remember much of it a fad - baby led weaning is the latest thing. I shovelled food into my kids mouths and they grew up ok. Dd1 went through the nit eating, only eating chicken nuggets and chips stage (autistic) she now lives on dal and rice her choice she's an adult.

I posted 'insta-perfect' pics when I was in the depths of deep depression and wanting to kill myself. It made it look on the outside like I was coping just fine when reality was very, very different. Now I'm well, I rarely post because I'm too busy living my life.

Someone I know posts the family walk pictures, all in matching puddle suits with their 2 little sausage dogs. Reality for her is her husband is on high doses of antidepressants because she was shagging the neighbour. Her kids deal with raging arguments weekly and the sausage dogs shit all over the floor constantly.

Its not real, people who are genuinely happy with life do not feel the need to share it constantly.

Why do you watch such things if you know they are going to make you feel unhappy or dissatisfied ?? They are entitled to post boastful and tone deaf views of their life, however vulgar, but it’s entirely optional for you to scroll on past.

in 1995 Coolio sang: “Too much television watching got me chasing dreams” television being the social media of the day.

Even rappers from Compton weren’t impervious to the social media influences peddled to them - even when they knew the life of a gang member wasn’t genuinely glamorous or desirable (as he says, “I’m 23 now, but will I live to see 24?”)

I was once a big follower of the cleaning accounts, generally cos they gave me ideas and motivation, but most of them have turned into posts of their fabulous holidays (paid for by advertiser's), their perfect husbands and perfect kids, mounds of freebies, no one can keep up with that. I now only follow a few accounts that have stayed genuine to helping people with getting motivated and share the everyday (not cleaning an already clean sink!)
I feel quite sorry for these influencers, it must be exhausting trying to portray perfection all the time, and it must take so much time to get the right content worthy to post. Don't get me started on how miserable it must actually be for the children, I think its quite wrong to be displaying their whole life to thousands of strangers, will they have issues when they are teenagers, who know's