Social media mums - making poor mum's feel like shit since the dawn of the internet

[Fysal]

Just been scrolling through TikTok and came across a mum/baby account, the mum is youngish in her 20's and the baby about 7 months.

There was really sweet 'a day in the life' content showing what they do with their day, what they eat, fun activities. Lots of themed sensory activities and messy play in those Tuff tray things, making a farm yard out of pasta and coco pops for example. Things that take ages to set up and she does it with a smile. Baby ends up in a total mess which is fine because she gets bathed every night before bed as part of their routine.

The occasional well deserved night out with the girls, cocktails and nice food.

I could go on but you get the gist. She just seemed like the perfect mum.

No cute nightly bath routine for us, it's every 2nd or third day and it's always a nightmare - not the tranquil experience I'm seeing on the internet with other people's kids.

The tiktok babies bedroom was stunning. Lovely furniture, she showed inside her babies wardrobe which was full of neatly hung, well ironed pretty clothes. The whites were bright crisp white.

I haven't managed to keep my kids white clothes white for more than a month. I haven't seen an iron in years. If something is going to need ironing regularly I tend not to buy it. I'm not very domestic to be honest. The flat is clean but never stays tidy.

No beautifully arranged wardrobes for the kids here, just folded away into cheap plastic drawers.

She showed herself freezing ozs and ozs of breast milk, she'd managed to exclusively BF for 7 months now her daughter is doing baby led weaning.

I failed to establish BF and only managed to express for a few weeks.

All of the TikTok babies meals were lovingly prepared and beautifully presented, exciting and experimental recipes from a glossy BLW cook book. Baby ate from those cute bamboo bowls shaped like bunnies. Picturesque.

My eldest lives on chicken nuggets. He won't eat a thing else because of his ARIFD and autism.

The TikTok mum goes to lots of baby groups. My anxiety wouldn't get me past the front door if I decided I wanted to do something like that.

Don't get me wrong my children are loved but we don't have a particularly great life, not compared to families like that anyway.

AIBU to think social media makes poor / depressed people feel even more shit?

I actually feel bad for these women who are so insecure they need to put on a whole show for TikTok/Instagram. It is an incredible amount of effort and it has absolutely no benefit foe their children. Their life is NOT better than yours, I promise OP.

No one wants to see the shit bits of parenting life, the same way you don't show people shit photos from your wedding day or holiday. You show people the ones with the amazing view, where you look great, etc. not the ones where you're half squinting, mid blink being blinded by the sun!

It might show "a day in the life" but it doesn't mean every single day is like that! I could post a day with my 2 year old that would show us going on a lovely family walk, feeding ducks, smiling and laughing, then back for lunch (that dd eats all of) and then post nap we do some painting before bath time.
It happens occasionally.

But in reality, for us, most days consist of 1 activity of some description (including nursery or a toddler group, or even going to the supermarket) a half eaten lunch and an absolute tired melt down in the bath before bed

I'd rather be friends with the mum who is realistic than make believe barbie mum.

@Fysal

Just been scrolling through TikTok and came across a mum/baby account, the mum is youngish in her 20's and the baby about 7 months.

There was really sweet 'a day in the life' content showing what they do with their day, what they eat, fun activities. Lots of themed sensory activities and messy play in those Tuff tray things, making a farm yard out of pasta and coco pops for example. Things that take ages to set up and she does it with a smile. Baby ends up in a total mess which is fine because she gets bathed every night before bed as part of their routine.

The occasional well deserved night out with the girls, cocktails and nice food.

I could go on but you get the gist. She just seemed like the perfect mum.

No cute nightly bath routine for us, it's every 2nd or third day and it's always a nightmare - not the tranquil experience I'm seeing on the internet with other people's kids.

The tiktok babies bedroom was stunning. Lovely furniture, she showed inside her babies wardrobe which was full of neatly hung, well ironed pretty clothes. The whites were bright crisp white.

I haven't managed to keep my kids white clothes white for more than a month. I haven't seen an iron in years. If something is going to need ironing regularly I tend not to buy it. I'm not very domestic to be honest. The flat is clean but never stays tidy.

No beautifully arranged wardrobes for the kids here, just folded away into cheap plastic drawers.

She showed herself freezing ozs and ozs of breast milk, she'd managed to exclusively BF for 7 months now her daughter is doing baby led weaning.

I failed to establish BF and only managed to express for a few weeks.

All of the TikTok babies meals were lovingly prepared and beautifully presented, exciting and experimental recipes from a glossy BLW cook book. Baby ate from those cute bamboo bowls shaped like bunnies. Picturesque.

My eldest lives on chicken nuggets. He won't eat a thing else because of his ARIFD and autism.

The TikTok mum goes to lots of baby groups. My anxiety wouldn't get me past the front door if I decided I wanted to do something like that.

Don't get me wrong my children are loved but we don't have a particularly great life, not compared to families like that anyway.

AIBU to think social media makes poor / depressed people feel even more shit?

What if it's the reverse, gives people inspiration ?

I actually knew a mum like this. It was all so beautiful and it made me feel like shit. I found out later through friend that her husband was a total arsehole, she had crippling PND and she admitted that the Insta-perfect image was her unhealthy coping mechanism. It’s hard and at times I have to have social media breaks because I struggle with low self esteem and comparing myself unfavourably to others. I always feel a lot better. Curate your feeds, if something makes you feel like shit, unfollow!

What if it's the reverse, gives people inspiration?

Inspiration to do what exactly?

Ah she’s not better than uou op, I’m so sorry you think she is, try to distance yourself,

@TellMeMoreHellebore

only if you believe thats true....surely you don't?

you must realise its all set up for the gram/tik tok?

I know one or two “mummy influencers”. Their house may really look like that because they’ve thrown money and freebies at it, but BELIEVE ME, it’s all for the ‘gram. It’s a job. She’s selling you a lifestyle. You don’t have to buy it - delete TikTok / Instagram / Facebook or whatever. It isn’t making you happy - in fact, it’s a proven fact that it will make you UNhappy!

Oh please

She has probably taken hours to get each shot, and refilled time amd again

If it affects you that much stop watching them

Me, if I was a child I would prefer your normality to her fake ness

She's not better than you but there is nothing wrong with what she's doing. My babies wardrobe is immaculate, clothes all ironed and folded. We go to baby sensory classes, do baby led weaning with food that I cook. I'm doing grand in my career. My house is always clean. I'm on maternity leave and have the time to do these things🤷🏻‍♀️ He's an only child too which helps. My child is no more loved than yours. Just people focus on different things I guess.

I think showing your dc publicly over social media is wrong personally.

Honestly, and this is speaking from experience having two friends who are very successful "influencers" -it's not real. It really isn't. One is a lifestyle guru, the other is a family based account around her successful in sport child. Both have sponsors and hundreds of thousands of followers. Both spend hour upon hour staging photos, thinking of captions and cropping videos -what they present online is NOT who they are in real life at all -not even close. It's fiction. They see it as a job, they gain sponsors and free products and link to their YouTube channels from which they earn money. One has a book out from the back of being an "influencer". It's all advertising. They are lovely people and it's much harder work than it sounds. I couldn't cope with the trolling personally. Please don't judge yourself based on a staged snapshot.

I deleted Instagram and Facebook apps from my phone a few months ago. I can still access them of course, but have to go through a browser which at least makes me think about what I'm doing.

I feel so much better for it! I've actually got back into reading books, which is way more satisfying. (I do realise I'm saying this as I type on my phone 😁) but my screen time is half what it was.

My eldest was born in 2001 and whilst I think SM existed, I wasn't an early adopter However, the mums from my ante natal group still managed to make me feel shit. Women have been doing this to each other since forever

@Spud1130

Comparison is the thief of joy

This 100%…we all only show pics on social media that are fun ! Am so glad that when my children were little people social media didn’t exist!

This is her job, it's how she makes her money.

When someone goes to work they manage to look smart and act professionally for the most part, same applies here.

One time, after we got back from (a really nice) holiday with my parents, Dh put together a video of the best moments. Added music. All rather lovely. (Dh works in IT so is good at this type of thing.)

Sent it to my parents.

My dad’s comment was “it was a lovely holiday but the video made it look like the best holiday anyone had ever been on ever. I think I missed that bit!”

I read a book last year called everything's perfect by Nicole Kennedy- its quite light and fluffy but based round a group of Instagram mums. You might like it.

This is their jobs. It is very hard when you've monetized your child's life to be normal with them.

Op in the past I wasted time and money on glossy magazines. Not good for self esteem at all.

Sounds very similar effects.

I explain all this to my ds.

When he makes a delicious meal - well presented, it makes fb..his supernoodles for lunch or his disasters don't.. i know how well.my ds cooks / eats... no one on fb does.

@SecretSquirrel111

It’s all a show.

And to be honest she sounds pretty young to be a mum… I’d be wondering about her career

@SecretSquirrel111

Wow.

You don’t have to pull apart one mum to make another feel better.

OP may well be a young mum too and not be thinking about her career.

Tiktok mum might have a lot of issues and this could be her way to feel less anxious or making herself feel better, lots of mum’s haven’t grown up in great households and want everything perfect for their own kids.

OP I think the big clue here is she has 1 baby you have more so things are always picture perfect with baby 1 … shit gets real soon as you add a few more, especially the whites staying white!!

Aah maybe she does have a really nice life and that is an accurate picture of what it's like most of the time. But if it makes you feel bad to see it, don't look at it! You could do all that shit if you wanted to, presumably the clothes are just fine in plastic drawers.

Just delete the app? Not worth wasting time watching pointless videos of other people's lives which are as not-real as any other advert.

Delete, move on. Read a book, listen to a podcast.

I’ve been that Mum. Trust me, it’s not real.

If there's one thing I've learned s as bout social media is it's all fake! People only put their best days on not the crap days where everything goes to pot! Don't compare yourself to any social media x