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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

If you were married and fell in love with someone else...

176 replies

longnightie · 05/03/2022 15:00

Would you...

A - do the moral thing and stay with your spouse and cut off contact with other person

B - leave your spouse and be with the other person

C - stay with spouse and have an affair with other person

Assume that there Are no children are involved in the scenario on either side.

OP posts:
Janeyjacke · 05/03/2022 15:01

A obviously

Mummytobe93 · 05/03/2022 15:01

B

Unsure5679 · 05/03/2022 15:02

B

TidyDancer · 05/03/2022 15:02

I'm not sure I agree that A is necessarily the moral position tbh. These situations are rarely as black and white as that.

I wouldn't do C though. Lots of people do however.

Aworldofmyown · 05/03/2022 15:03

Seperate from your spouse. Have no contact with the other person. See where your heads at in a few months.

Susu49 · 05/03/2022 15:03

Never C.

It would be A or depending on state of the marriage, who I loved more etc.

Difficult one though, don't know how you fall in love with someone without having an affair and I couldn't do that.

MrMrsJones · 05/03/2022 15:03

B if I wasn't in love with my husband anymore, it's only fair to cut them loose.

NotRainingToday · 05/03/2022 15:03

Probably B. But if children were involved, then probably A.

Movingonup22 · 05/03/2022 15:04

B. Whilst managing that I’m a sensitive way. Different if there were kids.

pinkpolkas · 05/03/2022 15:04

If you've fallen in love with someone else then arguably C had already happened

CheshireCats · 05/03/2022 15:04

It isn't that simple. But A or B, never C.

Mummytobe93 · 05/03/2022 15:05

I said B because if you had the emotional capacity to fall in love with someone else whilst married, that means your marriage is over. It’s not fair on both your spouse and you to remain married.

MissHavishamsMouldyOldCake · 05/03/2022 15:05

Why is A the moral thing?

I wouldn't appreciate someone staying with me solely because it was supposedly the right thing to do. Yuck to that.

B isn't necessarily the wrong thing.

WouldIwasShookspeared · 05/03/2022 15:05

B

istandwithukraine · 05/03/2022 15:05

Why would you even offer C up as an option unless you were a morally degenerate arsehole?

beenaroundtheblox · 05/03/2022 15:06

How do you know you're actually in love?? B if you're sure. A if you're not.

Mummadeze · 05/03/2022 15:06

B if no kids. Possibly tempted to do C if my relationship was really bad but A otherwise.

RainbowZebraWarrior · 05/03/2022 15:07

D. If you aren't happy in your relationship, leave.

MissHavishamsMouldyOldCake · 05/03/2022 15:08

@istandwithukraine

Why would you even offer C up as an option unless you were a morally degenerate arsehole?
Because it's an option that many, many people choose. To exclude it would be to ignore reality.
Pelagi · 05/03/2022 15:12

What about D - treating your spouse with respect, explaining clearly and kindly and honestly that the way you feel about them now means you are in a position that you have fallen in love with someone else, and allowing them some say in their future? If they decide to end the marriage, so be it, if you decide to do so, they have all the knowledge they need to proceed with their life.
That’s arguably the moral approach but almost nobody does it because it requires a lot of courage.

Lookingforphev · 05/03/2022 15:12

I dont think A is a "moral" choice, tbh.

Deciding to stay married despite being in love with someone else and letting g your spouse believe you are only emotionally invested in them, doesn't feel very 'moral'. It can be the morally correct choice but nit always. I would not want to be with someone who was in love with someone else.

B (if genuinely in love) can be the morally right choice. Depending on wether you crossed the line into emotional affair or not.

C is emotionally abuse territory, imo. Lying and deceiving your partner and remaining with them, for me, removes their choice to consent to be in the relationship.

Ideally the best option is to decide wether you want your current relationship regardless of the other person and if you decide to leave the marriage, not pursue a new one straight away. Take some time out.

Autumn42 · 05/03/2022 15:15

A of course, why bother having got married in the first place otherwise????

Loopytiles · 05/03/2022 15:16

To fall in love (rather than lust or attraction) requires an emotional and/or sexual affair, which is already harming the unaware partner(s), so the fair thing to do is tell the partner(s) and see what they want to do.

puffyisgood · 05/03/2022 15:17

haha, depends on all sorts of things including how far the "love" is reciprocated; what type and duration of "love" we're talking about; how much "love" there is between me and my actual spouse; and so on.

I assume there are no other options on the table including 'wonder whether I'm (yet) cut out for monogamy, decide to fly solo for a while'.

Loopytiles · 05/03/2022 15:18

As a PP says, to fall in love C has already happened.

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