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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

If you were married and fell in love with someone else...

176 replies

longnightie · 05/03/2022 15:00

Would you...

A - do the moral thing and stay with your spouse and cut off contact with other person

B - leave your spouse and be with the other person

C - stay with spouse and have an affair with other person

Assume that there Are no children are involved in the scenario on either side.

OP posts:
DrSbaitso · 05/03/2022 16:27

Whatever you choose, you're headed for heartbreak. Yours, other people's...I guess it depends on what you think is worth risking.

TheRealBoswell · 05/03/2022 16:28

@Lookingforphev

I dont think A is a "moral" choice, tbh.

Deciding to stay married despite being in love with someone else and letting g your spouse believe you are only emotionally invested in them, doesn't feel very 'moral'. It can be the morally correct choice but nit always. I would not want to be with someone who was in love with someone else.

B (if genuinely in love) can be the morally right choice. Depending on wether you crossed the line into emotional affair or not.

C is emotionally abuse territory, imo. Lying and deceiving your partner and remaining with them, for me, removes their choice to consent to be in the relationship.

Ideally the best option is to decide wether you want your current relationship regardless of the other person and if you decide to leave the marriage, not pursue a new one straight away. Take some time out.

This encapsulates everything I wanted to say very succinctly.
GiantSpider · 05/03/2022 16:29

B but only as there are no children involved - otherwise A.

NETSRIK · 05/03/2022 16:29

@Mummadeze

B if no kids. Possibly tempted to do C if my relationship was really bad but A otherwise.
Probably because the real world has option C in it.
gannett · 05/03/2022 16:29

@MichaelAndEagle

I always end up, in these sorts of discussions, wondering what love actually is.

I mean, what do people mean by fallen in love with someone else?
Surely to fall in love with someone you have to be actively spending time in their company beyond the point at which it was just a crush or whatever.
I think if you've actually fallen in love with someone you've already gone too far.
I think I'd stop seeing the new person altogether and try to reconnect with my husband. Assuming I still loved them and that relationship wasn't already dead (for real, not just the way people say when they want to rewrite history for their convenience).

Same. I've had many a crush, sometimes it was overwhelming and I thought that was love, but it's not the same as the feeling you get when you actually know someone inside out.

Crushes happen, I don't consider them a big deal, more an annoyance. But some man making me look twice and go a bit wobbly isn't love, and ultimately all it takes is a bit of self-control to shake it off.

NETSRIK · 05/03/2022 16:30

Quoted wrong post in error! Meant to quote poster who questioned why C was an option.

MichaelAndEagle · 05/03/2022 16:30

If it's reciprocated though, would you want to?

I think this is key. I've had a broken heart twice, once someone ended the relationship with me so the decision was out of my hands.
Second time I had to stop seeing someone I loved which took a lot of strength. So although I didn't want to, I still knew I needed to and had the resolve.

In the end though, you do get over it. You do forget about them.

If you're married to someone, fall in love with someone else and don't want to end it then obviously its kinder to end the marriage than have an affair and it suggests the marriage wasn't right.

If there weren't problems or doubts before the new person came along, personally I think you owe it to your spouse to try.

AdamRyan · 05/03/2022 16:31

@MichaelAndEagle

Is it not possible to cut yourself off from the new person you've fallen in love with, until you get over them? Genuine question. Having not been in this situation I think I could do that.
That's what I tried. I did not know my feelings were reciprocated and I also loved my husband. The problem was I thought I'd "got over him" but I hadn't. And there were issues in my marriage. It's very complicated
Merryoldgoat · 05/03/2022 16:32

I’m not sure you can fall in love with someone else if you’re committed and happy in your marriage, so if it happened I’d assume my marriage was over and choose B. I wouldn’t stay with someone I didn’t love or have an affair.

JellybabyGina87 · 05/03/2022 16:32

It's impossible to say. I can't imagine falling in love with anyone else as I'm in love with my husband and can't see that changing. I think if you fall in love with another person then you're not in love your spouse anymore. You could still love them in a platonic way.
But could it be that things have just gone a bit stale and this is just a bit of excitement? It's easy to mistake lust for love when you're swept up. If I knew for sure I didn't want to be with my spouse and I needed to be with the other person I would leave. But I can't see that happening, ever.

NETSRIK · 05/03/2022 16:33

Surely whether A, B, C or whatever depends on the individual circumstances and is absolutely nothing to do with anyone else?

girlmom21 · 05/03/2022 16:34

@AdamRyan

I think you can be in love with more than one person at a time
It's the falling in love whilst supposedly in a committed relationship that's the issue
AdamRyan · 05/03/2022 16:36

Humans can't control feelings, only actions

BuyDirt · 05/03/2022 16:36

I wouldn’t do any of them. They’re all horrible.

I’m happy in my relationship so would never be focused enough on anyone else to fall in love with them. If I wasn’t happy in my relationship and looking at others in that way, I’d leave my partner way before I’d have chance to fall for someone else.

cuno · 05/03/2022 16:37

A or B. So much missing context here, but I would never cheat. If you're stuck in a miserable marriage then how is it the moral thing to stay in that? But likewise if you have an amazing marriage and love your partner very much and have a crush on someone else rearing its ugly head then you'd be silly to leave over that.

Crikeyalmighty · 05/03/2022 16:37

I have been in this position in my 1st marriage- on reflection I don’t think I ‘fell in love’ with the person- I fell in love with the sensations and behaviour that a new relationship brings, the compliments, the hanging on your stories, the shared humour, the glances, the lack of domestic drudgery and yes the secrecy when you knew you were being a shit to someone who wasn’t treating you that well. I ended it but it did make me realise what Was lacking in my marriage was a feeling of togetherness and I ended that too.

BobbinHood · 05/03/2022 16:38

None of the above - not fall in love with someone else in the first place. Falling in love is a choice.

ISmellBurnings · 05/03/2022 16:39

D. You leave and spend some time by yourself before jumping from one to the next.

FourTeaFallOut · 05/03/2022 16:42

A. Obviously.

I fucking hate the passive hopeless way people say they "fell" in love, like they just tripped over. Bollocks. It requires effort, flirting, narrative, desire - you are an active participant in your feelings.

TolkiensFallow · 05/03/2022 16:43

A

My reasons.

I didn’t get married “until I find someone better”.

I wouldn’t let a situation get to “in love”, I’ve met a couple of people I’ve had chemistry with since being married and I make a conscious choice not to let that develop.

Autumn42 · 05/03/2022 16:43

@SleepingStandingUp

but with option to hop off when something apparently better comes along *@Autumn42i* don't anticipate ever hopping off or falling in love with someone else, nor he me. But IF he did I wouldn't want him to stay with me despite loving someone else, because I think that even if he didn't do C, it would be like an elephant in the room I didn't know about. I'd know something had changed but not what. And if he said "I'm in lvoe with Sandra" I'd not want to be with him. Why would I?
I can see what you you mean and yes I’d probably feel the same if was in that position, no one wants to be with someone who clearly doesn’t really want to be with them. I just feel personally that it would be immoral to act on those feelings for someone else or allow them to affect my marriage
DoYouRememberTheInnMiranda · 05/03/2022 16:45

A.

For better, for worse. Forsaking all others.

Those were some of the words we promised each other, in front of family and friends, not "until I no longer love you" or "until I love someone else more". Having said that, I would not stay with a husband who was abusing me and I didn't spell that out in my vows either. But I definitely believe the moral choice is to stay with my husband, to not fantasise about the other person, to not spend time with them, especially not alone etc.

Gowithme · 05/03/2022 16:51

A for absolute certain (assuming I loved my husband otherwise I would have left him already) - but I wouldn't have let any other relationship get to the point of me falling in love with them either, love doesn't happen from a distance and I wouldn't allow myself to get that emotionally involved. I think love is often mistaken for a myriad of other things, not least lust.

godmum56 · 05/03/2022 16:52

A or B but how can you fall in love with someone without an affair? I think, as has been said that if you fall in love...or even act on your lust...then the marriage is either on its last legs or over...so the moral thing to do is to be honest with your current partner and free both of you before you do anything.

SleepingStandingUp · 05/03/2022 16:55

Second time I had to stop seeing someone I loved which took a lot of strength. So although I didn't want to, I still knew I needed to and had the resolve. but I'm assuming there's more to the story than no children, in love with someone else, feelings reciprocated?

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