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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

If you were married and fell in love with someone else...

176 replies

longnightie · 05/03/2022 15:00

Would you...

A - do the moral thing and stay with your spouse and cut off contact with other person

B - leave your spouse and be with the other person

C - stay with spouse and have an affair with other person

Assume that there Are no children are involved in the scenario on either side.

OP posts:

gannett · 05/03/2022 15:18

Well it depends.

If the reason I "fell in love" with someone else was because my marriage had pre-existing cracks or wasn't healthy already, I'd probably take it as a sign to either work on the marriage or, if it was really unfixable, to end it. It wouldn't be a good idea to jump into a relationship with someone else, though.

If my marriage was mostly healthy and I'd just met someone attractive, charming etc, I'd give my head a wobble and simply not act on it. I possess self-control so I wouldn't need to cut off all contact but other people may be different.

bumblingbovine49 · 05/03/2022 15:19

This thread has given me a really good laugh. Almost everyone saying A or B (or even D for those with real emotional intelligence and courage) when research and experience tells us that the majority of people do C - but obviously that is just 'everyone else' according to this thread

CounsellorTroi · 05/03/2022 15:22

I dont think A is a "moral" choice, tbh.

Deciding to stay married despite being in love with someone else and letting g your spouse believe you are only emotionally invested in them, doesn't feel very 'moral'. It can be the morally correct choice but nit always. I would not want to be with someone who was in love with someone else.

It can be sometimes. The feelings of being in love can pass if you don’t feed them and you may eventually realise you would have been a fool to leave your marriage.

EvenPhilip · 05/03/2022 15:24

I don't think A is the moral choice, however stone me now, but I did C followed by B.

turkeyboots · 05/03/2022 15:26

A or B, never C.

Nothingsfine · 05/03/2022 15:29

A isn't the moral thing here. If you love someone else, you can't be in love with your spouse any longer, so to stay with them on that basis would be immoral. Yes that is a black and white view but it's how I feel.

Hertsgirl10 · 05/03/2022 15:31

How is is morally right to stay with someone you clearly don’t love or respect because you’ve put yourself in a position to fall in love with another person.

The moral thing would be to tell the person you’re married to that you don’t love them so they can be free to find someone with actual morals, before any kids come along.

girlmom21 · 05/03/2022 15:33

D. Leave your spouse but have some time alone to work things out for yourself.

I'd be furious if somebody stayed with me but were in love with somebody else.

You've basically already cheated if you've got close enough to someone to fall in love.

SleepingStandingUp · 05/03/2022 15:34

@Autumn42

A of course, why bother having got married in the first place otherwise????

So you'd stay with someone knowing you didn't love them the way they deserve and that you're harbouring feelings for someone else?

coffeeschmoffee · 05/03/2022 15:36

Ideally B. Although am currently doing C.

SleepingStandingUp · 05/03/2022 15:36

@girlmom21

D. Leave your spouse but have some time alone to work things out for yourself.

I'd be furious if somebody stayed with me but were in love with somebody else.

You've basically already cheated if you've got close enough to someone to fall in love.

This one.

I don't think it's morally right to stay with someone you don't love completely because you're in love with someone else. At that point your marriage is over imo.

Time alone to work out what you want. The other relationship might have felt shiner in reflection against a not great marriage but might not be what you want.

SleepingStandingUp · 05/03/2022 15:36

@coffeeschmoffee

Ideally B. Although am currently doing C.

Why?

MatildaTheCat · 05/03/2022 15:37

You simply don’t put yourself into the position of falling in love in the first place. You don’t love someone instantly. It starts with attraction, flirtation and actual choices, decisions and a whole flood of duplicity (if you are married).

The moral choice is to note and recognise attraction and step right away right then.

toconclude · 05/03/2022 15:38

@TidyDancer

I'm not sure I agree that A is necessarily the moral position tbh. These situations are rarely as black and white as that.

I wouldn't do C though. Lots of people do however.

Of course there is. Promises were made. End of.

ExactlyThis · 05/03/2022 15:39

A is wrong because clearly there is something wrong with your marriage if you’re able to fall in love with another person.

C is bollocks too.

So, B by default.

WalkingOnTheCracks · 05/03/2022 15:39

I think the question's confused by your having inserted a judgement into the first option. The answers might be different it you'd said...

A - do the pragmatic thing and stay with your spouse and cut off contact with other person

B - do the moral thing and leave your spouse and be with the other person

C - do the open-option thing and stay with spouse and have an affair with other person

SleepingStandingUp · 05/03/2022 15:40

@toconclude
Of course there is. Promises were made. End of
Where do you draw the line tho? When IS it OK to leave? You can't honestly think the answer is never

Scianel · 05/03/2022 15:40

I did B. I wasn't legally married to my partner at the time but we'd lived together for years.
When there aren't children involved, I don't see the point of A, you only get one life and the other person deserves someone that will love them properly too.
Never C, the guilt would have killed me.

PandemicAtTheDisco · 05/03/2022 15:40

IMO Many people given the opportunity would choose c. if they thought they could get away with it.

I think it's the people that act most judgmental about cheating that tend to then go and get caught having affairs.

inventinglouise · 05/03/2022 15:41

As per PPs, to be in love you've already done C, so C it is

girlmom21 · 05/03/2022 15:41

@PandemicAtTheDisco

IMO Many people given the opportunity would choose c. if they thought they could get away with it.

I think it's the people that act most judgmental about cheating that tend to then go and get caught having affairs.

I'm incredibly judgmental about affairs because they ruined my childhood and I would never cheat myself.

BlanketsBanned · 05/03/2022 15:42

None. Tell spouse you are in love with someone else and let t them decide what to do.

TheReddestJohansson · 05/03/2022 15:42

Blinkingheckythump · 05/03/2022 15:43

In what world is moral to stay with your spouse when you love someone else?

TYbakedpotato · 05/03/2022 15:46

If you had feelings for someone other than your spouse, it would make sense to cut that person off and work on your marriage. Feelings can be squashed.

But if you'd fallen in love?

I'm not actually sure how that could happen, unless a long-lost love came back on the scene and you'd never really called time on that relationship. We're probably talking soap opera type scenarios here, really.

But if you were truly in love with someone other than your spouse, I'm not sure staying with your spouse would be the right move. No one wants to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't return their feelings and can't love them back in the way they deserve. That's not moral - that's cruel.

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