If you were married and fell in love with someone else...

[longnightie]

Would you...

A - do the moral thing and stay with your spouse and cut off contact with other person

B - leave your spouse and be with the other person

C - stay with spouse and have an affair with other person

Assume that there Are no children are involved in the scenario on either side.

'A' because my wedding vows were 'until death do us part'. I always try my hardest to stick to my promises.

  I'm guessing some marriage ceremonies don't contain those words though?

Not sure how you fall in love without C happening. I’m sure very very few people set out to intentionally have an affair.

I did C, then B.

D - Leave spouse and don’t continue anything with the person I fell in love with.

I had my head turned when I was married, the guy was really nice to me, made me feel good about myself (something I hadn’t felt for a long time), the fact I was tempted to cheat was enough for me to realise I no longer felt anything for dh, it’s also made me realise that dh never complemented me and my confidence was at a all time low. I left DH….may have slept with the other guy (after leaving dh) but didn’t continue to see him. In a way this other guy saved me from being miserable and made me realise I was worth more.

B if no children.
A if children.
However I question how it can get to love (-infatuation maybe) without doing C.

Not sure how you fall in love without C happening. I’m sure very very few people set out to intentionally have an affair

I suppose emotional affair technically. I know a lot of people here think it's just as bad though.

Yes, if you haven’t already done c) it’s likely just limerence.

Love isn't simply a feeling, it's an action resulting from lots of decisions. I wouldn't fall in love with somebody else in the first place.

It's a reductive question anyway.

I did A then B.
Work colleague I got to know well. Acknowledged to myself how I felt 10 years ago, didnt tell husband or anyone about feelings, changed jobs asap. Then we started working together again 4 years,ago and my feelings hadn't changed.

SleepingStandingUp

Autumn42
A of course, why bother having got married in the first place otherwise????
So you'd stay with someone knowing you didn't love them the way they deserve and that you're harbouring feelings for someone else?

*yes because I’d a life long commitment to that person and anyway the OP didn’t state whether still in love with spouse or not. Quite shocked by the responses actually and can see why many marriages don’t last when people feel it’s fine to go chasing wherever their passions lead them at that particular time. Would suggest people just be honest to their potential spouse and go for for a civil partnership if they want the legal benefits of marriage but with option to hop off when something apparently better comes along

Definitely B

I think you can be in love with more than one person at a time

Z - I would assume I'd gone nuts as it's not possible to 'fall in love' with another person without stoking the fire or starting an emotional affair

I would not have started an emotional affair in the first place ...

B. I did B.

@RainbowZebraWarrior

D. If you aren't happy in your relationship, leave.

I'd lean towards this tbh. Maybe I'm not in the right place for a LTR / marriage if I fell in love with someone else. Or else I'd go for A with counselling etc. I don't think A would work keeping things exactly the same. I don't think you'd know you were in love without having some sort of affair which sort of rules out B unless you first do C. I also just think that falling out of one relationship which wasn't quite right immediately into another relationship rarely works out, which would put me off B. And that's before you even begin to think about it morally and about how your current spouse would be affected by B or C.

E. Don't put yourself in a position to fall in love with someone else

B . If your partner has fallen in love with someone else why would you still want them? I could never forgive that

I always end up, in these sorts of discussions, wondering what love actually is.

I mean, what do people mean by fallen in love with someone else?
Surely to fall in love with someone you have to be actively spending time in their company beyond the point at which it was just a crush or whatever.
I think if you've actually fallen in love with someone you've already gone too far.
I think I'd stop seeing the new person altogether and try to reconnect with my husband. Assuming I still loved them and that relationship wasn't already dead (for real, not just the way people say when they want to rewrite history for their convenience).

but with option to hop off when something apparently better comes along @Autumn42i don't anticipate ever hopping off or falling in love with someone else, nor he me. But IF he did I wouldn't want him to stay with me despite loving someone else, because I think that even if he didn't do C, it would be like an elephant in the room I didn't know about. I'd know something had changed but not what. And if he said "I'm in lvoe with Sandra" I'd not want to be with him. Why would I?

You can fall in love with someone when you are married, and it not be an affair.. Lots of married couples live fairly happy lives, but do not have the love and passion with eachother, and just stay together anyway for all sorts of reasons. Some people , men and women, can then find love with another person, which doesn't always mean an affair. and doesn't always mean a sexual coupling.

@Janeyjacke

A obviously

Not at all Why No children Why be so disrespectful to your current husband? Let them go and find love with someone else, as you have done

@1forAll74

You can fall in love with someone when you are married, and it not be an affair.. Lots of married couples live fairly happy lives, but do not have the love and passion with eachother, and just stay together anyway for all sorts of reasons. Some people , men and women, can then find love with another person, which doesn't always mean an affair. and doesn't always mean a sexual coupling.

If you're in lvoe with someone and spending time with them, I'd argue that's emotional affair territory. If it's a platonic love it's fine.

@MichaelAndEagle

I always end up, in these sorts of discussions, wondering what love actually is.

I mean, what do people mean by fallen in love with someone else?
Surely to fall in love with someone you have to be actively spending time in their company beyond the point at which it was just a crush or whatever.
I think if you've actually fallen in love with someone you've already gone too far.
I think I'd stop seeing the new person altogether and try to reconnect with my husband. Assuming I still loved them and that relationship wasn't already dead (for real, not just the way people say when they want to rewrite history for their convenience).

Very very good point

Is it not possible to cut yourself off from the new person you've fallen in love with, until you get over them?
Genuine question. Having not been in this situation I think I could do that.

@MichaelAndEagle

Is it not possible to cut yourself off from the new person you've fallen in love with, until you get over them? Genuine question. Having not been in this situation I think I could do that.

If it's reciprocated though, would you want to? Depends on your marriage condition I guess.

Fall in love with someone suggests there's something missing from your marriage. Can it be fixed or is it a structural error?

How do you fall in love with someone who isn't your spouse without already having opted for C.

If you aren't already having an emotional or physical affair then I don't see how you can say you love someone.

I agree with D don't put your self in the position of developing feelings for someone outside your marriage. To do so is lots and lots of conscious choices that lead up to it.