If you were married and fell in love with someone else...

[longnightie]

Would you...

A - do the moral thing and stay with your spouse and cut off contact with other person

B - leave your spouse and be with the other person

C - stay with spouse and have an affair with other person

Assume that there Are no children are involved in the scenario on either side.

To know you are in love with someone you'd have to have spent a lot of time together.

So it would have to be either a mutual friend that you both see a lot, or someone else you're either having an emotional or physical affair with already.

For that reason I think it would be A for me. I've been married for almost 20 years and have been seriously tempted about seven times, but whenever flirting started to cross a line a bit I've always immediately backed off.

“ let no man put asunder” we’re the words I remember at my wedding.

A kills you. I’ve been there. C kills you too. Been there as well. I finally did option B .

Unless you have been in the situation, you cannot believe how heart wrenching and how difficult the decision is to leave. It is nobody’s business to Judge.

How do you genuinely fall in love with someone else though without doing C? How do you know its real love rather than a bit of lust or attraction without a bit of C? You have to nurture those initial feelings. You have to spend a lot of time together

It's all very well to say B, but to do that you have to first be confident you love them, that they love you too - possibly they too need to do B. You can't know that without some level of C.

The right thing to do is A before it gets to the point of love. Recognise that feelings could develop and stay away from the person and work on your marriage.

I don’t understand this at all. What on Earth was the point in getting married in the first place if you were going to allow yourself to be in a position to fall in love with someone else? To me, when you get married, that means you’ve found someone you are happy to spend your life with, so you stop looking. If you have managed to actually fall in love with someone else you were obviously actively open and looking for a new relationship, which I just wouldn’t do as I am married. So, Option D? Not allow myself to be in a position to fall in love with someone else in the first place because I already chose to get married?

To all the people saying they did B, how did you know the person loved you back?

A

@User839516

I don’t understand this at all. What on Earth was the point in getting married in the first place if you were going to allow yourself to be in a position to fall in love with someone else? To me, when you get married, that means you’ve found someone you are happy to spend your life with, so you stop looking. If you have managed to actually fall in love with someone else you were obviously actively open and looking for a new relationship, which I just wouldn’t do as I am married. So, Option D? Not allow myself to be in a position to fall in love with someone else in the first place because I already chose to get married?

Mine is hypothetical ut I'm not sure you have to openly be looking. People will always have stories about how X was always just a mate until one day they looked up and realised they were everything they wanted. Marriage isn't perfect, humans aren't. We change. It's perfectly possible to love someone at 24 but not at 48 without either person doing anything "wrong", just growing and changing.

So if the sexual attraction has gone, the rose tinted glasses have failed, you realise you have nothing in common any more and you really just seem them as a friend, I can see how you might be at risk of inadvertently finding what's missing

Also for those saying A, would you never leave a marriage ever or not for anything but violence? What if you genuinely stop being in love with them, stop wanting to have sex with them? Isn't it more morally right to leave than stay? Lock them in a sex less marriage or lie back twice a month and fake it?

I wouldn't let it get to the point wheee I loved someone else and was still married.

If you meet someone and you can see potential for feelings developing - and you're in a happy marriage - you leave well alone.

If you meet someone as above and are not in a happy marriage, you take that as a pointer that you need to work on or leave your marriage. Do that before starting an affair.

B

If you were in love with your spouse you wouldn't be able to fall in love with someone else

@CarrotSticks2

How do you genuinely fall in love with someone else though without doing C? How do you know its real love rather than a bit of lust or attraction without a bit of C? You have to nurture those initial feelings. You have to spend a lot of time together

It's all very well to say B, but to do that you have to first be confident you love them, that they love you too - possibly they too need to do B. You can't know that without some level of C.

The right thing to do is A before it gets to the point of love. Recognise that feelings could develop and stay away from the person and work on your marriage.

I agree. If you’ve got to the point where you’ve told each other you love each other you’re deep into c) territory already even if nothing physical has happened. And if you haven’t then the moral thing is to step back, distance yourself and work on your marriage.

Take the other person out the equation and decide if I want to stay with dh or not. If we split once single consider if I want a new relationship.

A or B but never C

Love or lust?

This question supposes that "falling in love" is something your actions have nothing to do with, like being shot with cupids arrow.

Seeing someone and being attracted to them isn't love. I would never enter into the sort of relationship that has a chance to become love, because I have a commitment to my family.

B

@Summerb

B

If you were in love with your spouse you wouldn't be able to fall in love with someone else

Wow! I never thought of that. Do you think that really is true? I'm not sure. Although, I have never been in love with two people at the same time. that is true.

B if no children involved.

Quite possibly C if children involved.

@SleepingStandingUp

Also for those saying A, would you never leave a marriage ever or not for anything but violence? What if you genuinely stop being in love with them, stop wanting to have sex with them? Isn't it more morally right to leave than stay? Lock them in a sex less marriage or lie back twice a month and fake it?

Neither, would give things time, try and find some activities to enjoy together etc but have to accept not every year or marriage going to be burning flames of passion and excitement. I think if you’ve got someone who has gone all round cold on you then is a lot harder to stay as would be very depressing

@CarrotSticks2

To all the people saying they did B, how did you know the person loved you back?

Because it’s undeniably plain to see.

@CarrotSticks2

How do you genuinely fall in love with someone else though without doing C? How do you know its real love rather than a bit of lust or attraction without a bit of C? You have to nurture those initial feelings. You have to spend a lot of time together

It's all very well to say B, but to do that you have to first be confident you love them, that they love you too - possibly they too need to do B. You can't know that without some level of C.

The right thing to do is A before it gets to the point of love. Recognise that feelings could develop and stay away from the person and work on your marriage.

I did C and completely agree. Shoot me now.

I'm no saint but I learned from the whole shit storm that I would never ever do C again.

But life throws curve balls and sometimes they hit you at your weakest moments when all reason and morality leave you for whatever reason.

Ideally B. In the real world, a lot of people would do C. You want to be sure before you leave! It’s not right, but it’s the most likely scenario.

People who do b or c are scummy

@Summerb

B

If you were in love with your spouse you wouldn't be able to fall in love with someone else

Nonsense. Plenty of people are ethically and honestly polyamorous, and plenty of people are bereaved and fall in love again.

@Janeyjacke

People who do b or c are scummy

I'd rather my partner leave me if they'd fallen in love with someone else than live a lie.

Would you really want to be with someone who was only staying with you because they said some words in a church or registry office when they love someone else?