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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

If you were married and fell in love with someone else...

176 replies

longnightie · 05/03/2022 15:00

Would you...

A - do the moral thing and stay with your spouse and cut off contact with other person

B - leave your spouse and be with the other person

C - stay with spouse and have an affair with other person

Assume that there Are no children are involved in the scenario on either side.

OP posts:
Savvysix1984 · 05/03/2022 19:42

Depends if you still loved your spouse. If there was still love and it could work long term with some work then A.

Branleuse · 05/03/2022 19:52

I think it would depend on how it happened and who it was and the other circumstances in my relationship.
I cant imagine allowing a situation to develop where i fell in love with anyone . I dont believe it just happens without people actively pursuing it

Liveandkicking · 05/03/2022 20:02

A - but I don’t believe people just ‘fall in love’. There is almost always an inappropriate prelude, even if purely emotional. So I don’t think it’s acceptable for me to get to the point of being in love with someone else.

DrSbaitso · 05/03/2022 20:05

How do you know “this happens all the time”?

Affairs and turned heads and marriage difficulties are hardly uncommon.

Landedonfeet · 05/03/2022 20:15

@DrSbaitso

How do you know “this happens all the time”?

Affairs and turned heads and marriage difficulties are hardly uncommon.

Yes But the poster isn’t saying that
Ori18 · 05/03/2022 20:16

@Landedonfeet

Because it does happen all the time!! Even people in the most stable, loving marriages are human. And as humans, we’re fallible, vulnerable to our egos, and we have a great, boundless ability to love.

Ori18 · 05/03/2022 20:17

And anyone who claims they’ve “never” is in denial about the vulnerability of the human condition.

LibrariesGiveUsPower · 05/03/2022 20:21

How can you fall in love with another person without having an affair (emotional affair is still an affair imo)

BadNomad · 05/03/2022 20:23

@Ori18

And anyone who claims they’ve “never” is in denial about the vulnerability of the human condition.
I think it says more about your personal morals if you think everyone is vulnerable to falling for someone else while in a happy relationship. I can tell you for a fact I have never felt anything for anyone else. I am not open to it. It's not even possible. If I commit to someone my mind is closed to anyone else. If I am unhappy with someone I either address it, fix it or end it. None of this bullshit naval gazing life-is-not-that-simple crap people come up with to justify their selfish choices.
Nomoresmoresthensnores · 05/03/2022 20:34

I don't think that affairs destroy relationships on their own out of nowhere. If you have an affair you just wouldn't be open to it unless things weren't right. When someone cheats then all it shows is that they were not committed to the relationship they were in. And sometimes there are reasons that can be put on the 'faithful partner'. Its not completely one sided. However hurt the cheated-on person feels.

But...If you cheat and you are in a crap relationship it is rarely ever accepted by your wider circle as justified. It basically gives all the power and narrative to the one who didn't cheat (I.e you're a cheating scumbag and they're the innocent victim. Even if they'd been a cold and controlling a hole for 20 yrs).
I have chosen to get divorced as I could feel myself (on top of a load of other valid reasons) getting attracted to other people. And ultimately i probably would have acted on it eventually because my marriage was so soul destroying. Having cheated before with a previous Bf (many many years ago when quite young) i knew that wasn't a good road to take. Especially with children.

So long answer to say B. If you have fallen in love with someone else you aren't in your relationship anymore. I don't think you can get it back by picking A. And C is a bit of a hedging your bets but usually ends in B.

Ori18 · 05/03/2022 20:34

@BadNomad

You don’t know that. Nothing is certain. We like to be black & white, because it gives us the illusion of control. But falling in love can happen, even to someone who has closed their mind to it

Nomoresmoresthensnores · 05/03/2022 20:39

Also depends on whether you believe in 'The One'
Personally I don't
I was married a long time and even towards the end people would say 'its so great you and ExH are soul mates'... its just utter twaddle people say. How can you know how good someone else's relationship is? I was barely even speaking to him the last time someone said it to me.
You wouldn't fall in love with someone else by chance. If you loved your husband you'd be giving off those vibes and the other person would run a mile.

Donson · 05/03/2022 20:40

B.

Ive been there and did A.. but husband ended up fucking around anyway.. the relationship was dead and neither of us were addressing it..

DetailMouse · 05/03/2022 20:41

Life is just not that black and white. I would have thought so once, but I'm much more tolerant of those trying to do the right thing in the face of hard choices now.

Yellownightmare · 05/03/2022 20:42

B. But giving a decent amount of time before embarking on the new relationship. But basically the marriage is dead in the water and it's the kind thing to end it.

Titsflyingsouth · 05/03/2022 20:43

NC for this as potentially outing.

This happened to me a long time ago. I choose option A.

I have absolutely no regrets about going no-contact even though, at the time, it felt like agony. DH and I are still together many years later and very happy. Being 'in love' is a chemical reaction and it totally felt like a form of insanity at the time. Anyone can fall in love but it doesn't mean it's a sensible or viable option. But deep love that comes from a place of mutual respect and commitment is a different kettle of fish. I'd choose the latter over the former any day.

BadNomad · 05/03/2022 20:43

[quote Ori18]@BadNomad

You don’t know that. Nothing is certain. We like to be black & white, because it gives us the illusion of control. But falling in love can happen, even to someone who has closed their mind to it[/quote]
I think I know myself a little better than you know me. "Falling in love" doesn't just happen. It's something you let happen. Some of us have the maturity and respect for our partners to not let it happen.

FiftyStoriesHigh · 05/03/2022 20:46

B but to be in love then presumably there’s been atleast an emotional affair for some time.

Gonnagetgoing · 05/03/2022 20:47

B

Nomoresmoresthensnores · 05/03/2022 20:47

@DetailMouse

Life is just not that black and white. I would have thought so once, but I'm much more tolerant of those trying to do the right thing in the face of hard choices now.
Me too I find people who take the moral high ground have either been treated quite badly themselves and are still recovering OR have never been in many situations and struggle to understand how others could get into those situations. Or how they might feel. There are always many different nuances to every situation. Also i fully believe (although not religious) in the 'he who is without sin cast the first stone' or also known as 'people in glasshouses shouldn't throw stones'.
headspin10 · 05/03/2022 20:53

B

I don't think A is 'the moral thing' at all. I would rather my partner wasn't with me if he loved someone else! I think B is more moral.

Ohyesiam · 05/03/2022 20:54

@Mummytobe93

I said B because if you had the emotional capacity to fall in love with someone else whilst married, that means your marriage is over. It’s not fair on both your spouse and you to remain married.
It really doesn’t. I did A 10 years ago and am SO glad that I did and my marriage is better than ever now. Took a lot of work, but really worth it.
bigfatmeerkat · 05/03/2022 20:55

"falling in love can happen, even to someone who has closed their mind to it"
Attraction can, but taking it further is a choice. It's not some mystical thing you can't resist.

oviraptor21 · 05/03/2022 21:02

Probably B minus.
Leave husband. Set up separately. Maybe date the other guy, maybe not.

littleburn · 05/03/2022 21:13

I did B.

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