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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be so angry with this apology

234 replies

MariJx · 05/03/2022 09:21

A year ago my ex broke up with me. It wasn't a healthy relationship towards the end, borderline abusive. But he was the one to end it and cut all contact with me. I have only seen him once since when he approached me whilst I was out with friends, kissed me, told me he loved me & it was hard so hard to stay away from me, but that's what he needed to do as we couldn't be together. Otherwise I have not seen or heard from him at all.
I didn't cope well at all with the break up. I had a bit of a breakdown and had to see the dr. I am now having therapy.
So last night I received an email from him. It's supposed to be an apology I assume but it's filled me with rage. He talks about how I used to be confident in myself and 'unapologetically me' and he loved that about me. Then says he's sorry because he took all that away from me!! I feel like it reads like some kind of power trip.' 'You were a strong, independent woman and I had the power to ruin you and turn you into a complete mess' That's not a fucking apology is it??! He then says something about how he was trying to 'fix me' but I wasn't broken, so he broke me, then walked away because he couldn't stand to see what he had done to me! It's completely ridiculous bs!
Its really upset me and made me so mad. It's so completely bizarre and I have no idea why he sent it.
It's not an apology is it? He's not sorry. He's just trying to mess with my head, or make himself feel better that it's all OK because he said sorry.
Or aibu and just being overly sensitive... and he is actually trying to apologise..?

OP posts:
stripeyflowers · 05/03/2022 11:18

Ignoring is the best way. ANY response, even a diatribe of vitriol will please him as proof of how much he's got to you.

His worst nightmare is that you are neutral and cool and have moved on. You can still write all that out and vent it and punch a pillow etc to get it out of your system but he doesn't have to enjoy the satisfaction of it.

TheVanguardSix · 05/03/2022 11:20

@Awrite

Christ, he's not a cop or ex-cop is he?

I had something scarily similar when I was in my 20's. He psycho-analysed me after he dumped me. Over the phone rather than in an email.

Looking back it was my luckiest escape.

That's so interesting! I recently had a huge fallout with a friend that has left me permanently confused (it's actually a few months ago). Do you know, I can't remember or even understand why we fell out? But she's done years and years and years (20+) of psychoanalysis and every conversation has that bent to it. You can't just chat about the weather without her psychoanalysing you. And yet, the way she let go of the friendship was so cold and mind-fuckish, if that makes sense. In other words, she did to me everything she would never want to be done to her. Everything she dislikes in human behaviour, she did to me. It was truly painful and I still haven't wrapped my head around it. It's left me feeling really abused, tbh. Anyway... back to the thread!
Jvg33 · 05/03/2022 11:21

I would reply with laughing emojis. And that would be the end of the correspondence. He's trying to make himself feel better about the situation whilst belittling you.

MrsLargeEmbodied · 05/03/2022 11:21

that is an awful email.

Teenagequeenwithaloadedgun · 05/03/2022 11:22

It's over dramatic, self important crap and I wouldn't respond.

NETSRIK · 05/03/2022 11:23

The best response is no response.

musicviking1 · 05/03/2022 11:25

Ignore, that way you're not feeding his ego.

NETSRIK · 05/03/2022 11:26

Or send the 👍 as that covers all bases!

nodogz · 05/03/2022 11:29

What a nob. I've got an ex from about 15 years ago who still does this.

I think it messes with his head that I don't care about him*. I think my final message was something like, "I can't be bothered with this. If that's what you think happened, that's what happened. I hope you find happiness. Bye!"

Changed my email, get random messages every few years on different profiles through LinkedIn, Facebook, insta etc. I always screen shot, send to my best mate to laugh at and block.

  • (I don't recognise myself in the relationship, my friends laugh about it and I just feel very kindly towards my younger self who deserved better and should have felt like she was worth more)
KindlyKanga · 05/03/2022 11:30

@NETSRIK

Or send the 👍 as that covers all bases!
This is the only response I would consider. Ignoring is still best.
comfortablyfrumpy · 05/03/2022 11:32

Just don't reply.
Or if you feel the need, reply but don't send.
Then forget about it.
He wants a reaction, to still be in control.

godmum56 · 05/03/2022 11:33

I am not sure why you didn't block him when you ended the realtionship?

AldiCandlesArePerfectlyLovely · 05/03/2022 11:35

@nodogz

‘I don't recognise myself in the relationship, my friends laugh about it and I just feel very kindly towards my younger self who deserved better and should have felt like she was worth more’

How eloquently put !

AKASammyScrounge · 05/03/2022 11:37

Don:t respond in any way, not even to tell him to get lost. He'll draw you in if you can.

This incident, infuriating as it is, may be good for you.
You are raging. Keep it up.
You are seeing what a conceited man he is.Keep seeing that, don:t get nostalgic.
Set your mind to proving to yourself that you're not broken. Enjoy life, meet new partners, indulge yourself.

sydenhamhiller · 05/03/2022 11:38

@KatherineofGaunt

It's not an apology and it sounds like he under some serious delusions about your relationship.

You're not "broken", ffs, and you don't need fixing.

Go forth and enjoy your life without this total cock.

Exactly this.

I always like this saying: the best revenge is a life well-lived.

Do not allow this idiot any space in your head, have a fabulous, interesting life filled with lovely people, you are well rid of him.

WonderfulYou · 05/03/2022 11:43

YANBU it sounds like he’s trying to worm his way back in to be a FWB.

Delete and ignore.
Don’t give him the satisfaction of even acknowledging it.

2021s · 05/03/2022 11:43

I know the best reply is no reply but I would be tempted to reply with a response which laughs at him, mocks him and makes his duck retreat into the last decade! What a egotistical twat, he’s clearly in love with himself. He needs taken down a peg or two

Partyatnumber10 · 05/03/2022 11:45

What an absolute prat!! He sounds as if he could have been emotionally abusive when you were together and he wants to retain some sort of power over you now.
Don't reply, no matter how witty or disinterested you try to appear, it's still feeding this.
Ignore, block and don't give him any more headspace!!

StripeyDeckchair · 05/03/2022 11:46

Delete
Block him on all SM
Do not engage

Hes on a power trip.
He no longer has any power over you.

Oh, and if you see him again he definitely doesn't get to kiss you.

dfendyr · 05/03/2022 11:47

It will drive him bonkers if you don't reply

Dullardmullard · 05/03/2022 11:49

I’ve had something similar but a letter
I read it and binned it but that wasn’t good enough he wrote another as he didn’t get a response or the response he wanted. The last one was sent back unopened. This brought him to my door and I was so bloody thankful my brother was there. He turned nasty and was arrested. He was screaming I was to blame for not opening his letter. This was the 90s so the copper agreed and I was bloody fuming and told him so.

Be aware he might send another this one needs to be replied to as in I didn’t ask for this contact this is harassment now and any more I’ll contact the police.

Cstring · 05/03/2022 11:52

The first reply absolutely nails it.
Don’t give him the satisfaction of any response. What an absolute bell end.

Thehop · 05/03/2022 11:54

“Oh hi love! I’d forgotten all about you! Hope you’re well! “ then blocking

Would be so tempting, but I definitely think delete and block is the best option for you.

TabithaTittlemouse · 05/03/2022 11:59

Having received such an email myself I would say ignore.
I tried witty responses but he continued because he was getting a response, ignoring him increased the emails for a bit but I could see him gradually getting madder and madder until he gave up eventually.

pictish · 05/03/2022 12:01

Yes I do agree that making it clear the contact is not wanted is a good move. Safety first. No one can argue that he was encouraged should he decide to up the ante.
I think “No idea what you’re on about. Hope you can move on. Please don’t contact me again.”, is perfect. Then block.