Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be so angry with this apology

234 replies

MariJx · 05/03/2022 09:21

A year ago my ex broke up with me. It wasn't a healthy relationship towards the end, borderline abusive. But he was the one to end it and cut all contact with me. I have only seen him once since when he approached me whilst I was out with friends, kissed me, told me he loved me & it was hard so hard to stay away from me, but that's what he needed to do as we couldn't be together. Otherwise I have not seen or heard from him at all.
I didn't cope well at all with the break up. I had a bit of a breakdown and had to see the dr. I am now having therapy.
So last night I received an email from him. It's supposed to be an apology I assume but it's filled me with rage. He talks about how I used to be confident in myself and 'unapologetically me' and he loved that about me. Then says he's sorry because he took all that away from me!! I feel like it reads like some kind of power trip.' 'You were a strong, independent woman and I had the power to ruin you and turn you into a complete mess' That's not a fucking apology is it??! He then says something about how he was trying to 'fix me' but I wasn't broken, so he broke me, then walked away because he couldn't stand to see what he had done to me! It's completely ridiculous bs!
Its really upset me and made me so mad. It's so completely bizarre and I have no idea why he sent it.
It's not an apology is it? He's not sorry. He's just trying to mess with my head, or make himself feel better that it's all OK because he said sorry.
Or aibu and just being overly sensitive... and he is actually trying to apologise..?

OP posts:
2catsandhappy · 05/03/2022 10:25

Not an apology at all. A goady attempt to reel you back into massaging his ego. Dignified silence all the way. And block.

tkwal · 05/03/2022 10:27

Don't reply to him. Someone with an ego like that would LOVE to know he could still get under your skin.Use the anger he ignited in you to your benefit , remember how you felt when you got that message and tell yourself he will never be able to bring you down again

WhatAHexIGotInto · 05/03/2022 10:27

I had something very similar from my ex. I did reply.

I said 'no idea what you're on about, please don't contact me again, I hope you are able to move on'. That made him mad so he sent another message. I blocked him on everything so he sent me a letter. I returned it 'not living at this address'. A mutual friend said it drove him absolutely nuts because he just wanted to get to me and I didn't let him. 🤣

PandemicAtTheDisco · 05/03/2022 10:29

I got the apology that wasn't.
I was the root cause of all his bad behaviour.
He then expected me to apologise for causing his bad behaviour and was most indignant when I asked him to clarify what I needed to apologise for. He couldn't tell me yet still tried to insist I apologise.
I was then at fault for not letting him 'close the matter on a good note'.

Ignore, ignore, ignore. There is no point in responding.

HomeHomeInTheRange · 05/03/2022 10:29

Oh, he’s probably doing some ‘personal development’ type programme / cult. The Mastery or Quantum or I think it was called Lighthouse, the one that caused havoc amongst a group of friends I know. Basically you address all the things you have done wrong and get closure / face your demons / use your wrongs to inspire your future etc by telling the truth / apologising / acknowledging things in your past. AKA (quite often) dumping it all on others. You are right, it doesn’t feel like an apology because it is for the benefit of the participant in the programme, not the person they initially fucked over.

I have had a few approaches like this: this whole self development industry was strong in my work / friendship sector.

I would ignore.

BoredZelda · 05/03/2022 10:29

Why is someone who was so damaging to you, able to reach you still on email?

oakleaffy · 05/03/2022 10:29

What a little arsehole!!
He’s REVELLING in his tiny dicked power trip.

Please sever all contact with this creep.
Block block BLOCK!!

MorningStarling · 05/03/2022 10:30

He might actually think it is a genuine apology, because he's so fucked up and has such a warped view of life this is what he thinks a genuine apology looks like.

It's not of course. Don't reply. Delete his email, block his address and delete any further messages if he uses a different address. Ideally change your email address, a lot of hassle if you've used it for years but probably worth it.

MrsJackGrealish · 05/03/2022 10:30

It appears he has you confused with his Lego set.

Ignore it, even it is tempting to reply.

Itwasntmeright · 05/03/2022 10:30

Don’t respond with ‘who is this?’ It’s inviting more communication, which is the opposite to what you want.

MrsJackGrealish · 05/03/2022 10:32

You could always send him this.

oakleaffy · 05/03/2022 10:33

@WhatAHexIGotInto

I had something very similar from my ex. I did reply.

I said 'no idea what you're on about, please don't contact me again, I hope you are able to move on'. That made him mad so he sent another message. I blocked him on everything so he sent me a letter. I returned it 'not living at this address'. A mutual friend said it drove him absolutely nuts because he just wanted to get to me and I didn't let him. 🤣

Well done! Don’t let the little shits anywhere near. Zero contact is the only way with toxic people like this.
Mamamia7962 · 05/03/2022 10:35

Do not give him the satisfaction of a reply however tempting. . The best way to insult someone is to completely ignore them. Block him and move on.

Regularsizedrudy · 05/03/2022 10:36

Do. Not. Engage. He’s stroking his own ego and wants a reaction. Hes pathetic!

NotSorry · 05/03/2022 10:37

OP just imagine him sitting there hitting “refresh” on his email waiting for your reply, then laugh to yourself

No reply is the best reply. That email is only a reflection of him and not you.

ThreeRingCircus · 05/03/2022 10:39

Not replying is the very best reply because it suggests that you don’t care enough to even be bothered to read it or reply. Anything else just gives him the validation and attention he wants.

I completely agree with this. It would be so tempting to reply but in this isntance, silence is your strongest response.

EveningOverRooftops · 05/03/2022 10:40

He’s gloating not apologising.

He did that to you and is rubbing salt in the wound.

It’s just another stage of his abuse.

5zeds · 05/03/2022 10:41

It’s just another stage of his abuse. I think this is accurate.

JamieNorthlife · 05/03/2022 10:42

What a stupid, stupid disgusting man. He made the apology all about him

me....me... me.... me....

OP, I really feel for you having to deal with this fuc * ker. He sucked the life out of you.
I would not reply but if he keeps trying to contact you again, tell him you cannot stand weak men and he is going to be blocked.

DifficultBloodyWoman · 05/03/2022 10:43

I think you should think of it this way (if you have to think of it at all):

His email is (like him) irrelevant because you are your own person living your own life and he is not part of it any more.

Please don’t dwell on his awful behaviour. Focus on yourself and your present and future. He is firmly in the past.

PuppyPowerTool · 05/03/2022 10:43

Christ that sounds like my ex

BeefSupreme · 05/03/2022 10:44

Ignore him. Block him on everything platform.
He wants a reply, don't give him what he wants.

DifficultBloodyWoman · 05/03/2022 10:45

@WhatAHexIGotInto

I had something very similar from my ex. I did reply.

I said 'no idea what you're on about, please don't contact me again, I hope you are able to move on'. That made him mad so he sent another message. I blocked him on everything so he sent me a letter. I returned it 'not living at this address'. A mutual friend said it drove him absolutely nuts because he just wanted to get to me and I didn't let him. 🤣

Best. Response. Ever!

I think your words should be on a sticky note at the top if the relationship forum.

Seriously. Best. Response. Ever!

stripeyflowers · 05/03/2022 10:45

Power trip. Head fuck. Looking for more narc supply.

Reminds me of an ex who told me proudly 'When I was 7 I caused my mum to have a mental breakdown.'

I would completely ignore and work on yourself OP so that you don't get drawn to this sort of man again.

Sparticuscaticus · 05/03/2022 10:46

You don't have to have any contact with this abusive ex partner

The first part sounds like a bit of an apology but the rest sounds manipulative .

I think you are best to block him. Reply that you do not want any further contact so he's not to approach you Joe contact you again by any medium. Then if he does, you can report to police for harassment (2 or more incidences after he was told to cease contact )

But really don't let it get to you, you don't want to hear from him and he is intruding trying to draw you back into his world of abuse and pain. You are best off out of it and can make it so.