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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be so angry with this apology

234 replies

MariJx · 05/03/2022 09:21

A year ago my ex broke up with me. It wasn't a healthy relationship towards the end, borderline abusive. But he was the one to end it and cut all contact with me. I have only seen him once since when he approached me whilst I was out with friends, kissed me, told me he loved me & it was hard so hard to stay away from me, but that's what he needed to do as we couldn't be together. Otherwise I have not seen or heard from him at all.
I didn't cope well at all with the break up. I had a bit of a breakdown and had to see the dr. I am now having therapy.
So last night I received an email from him. It's supposed to be an apology I assume but it's filled me with rage. He talks about how I used to be confident in myself and 'unapologetically me' and he loved that about me. Then says he's sorry because he took all that away from me!! I feel like it reads like some kind of power trip.' 'You were a strong, independent woman and I had the power to ruin you and turn you into a complete mess' That's not a fucking apology is it??! He then says something about how he was trying to 'fix me' but I wasn't broken, so he broke me, then walked away because he couldn't stand to see what he had done to me! It's completely ridiculous bs!
Its really upset me and made me so mad. It's so completely bizarre and I have no idea why he sent it.
It's not an apology is it? He's not sorry. He's just trying to mess with my head, or make himself feel better that it's all OK because he said sorry.
Or aibu and just being overly sensitive... and he is actually trying to apologise..?

OP posts:
SirChenjins · 05/03/2022 10:03

No - don’t reply!!! It will just feed the drama llama. Delete, block, get on with your day.

GatoradeMeBitch · 05/03/2022 10:04

Well there might be a grain of truth to it if he was abusive, then you had a breakdown after he left. Just assume he was drunk when he wrote it and attempting to apologize. And don't bother to respond. Forget him and focus on all the positives in your life.

Bellringer · 05/03/2022 10:04

He doesn't sound well. Ignore. If he persists tell him once to leave you alone. After that legal advice or report him for stalking, hope it doesn't come to that. You are right to be angry but don't waste your time, best revenge is a happy life

Orgasmagorical · 05/03/2022 10:05

I wouldn't be surprised if the supply he dumped you for has got wise to him and he's now fishing around for a hole to wank into, whilst also trying to make sure that you know that he knows that you're not worthy of him.

Ignore, ignore, ignore. He is not relevant to anyone but himself.

pictish · 05/03/2022 10:05

I totally agree with getting a pal in to share it with so you can both have a good laugh about his anti-hero complex. It’ll be fun. Grin

knittingaddict · 05/03/2022 10:05

Don't respond. As much as I like some of the suggestions here, the best thing you can do is ignore him. It will eat him up inside that you can't be bothered to reply and it cuts off any opportunity for a continued dialogue and for him to sneak back in. Grey Rock is the only way. He's done you a favour really sending that message. He's no loss, is he?

EmpressCixi · 05/03/2022 10:06

It’s a confession of guilt, not an apology. Your anger is you feeling justified and in the right, which you suspected you were but must have had doubts. So it’s righteous anger. Be angry. Get him out of your system. He’s confessed in writing that he was toxic, if not abusive to you.

AntiHop · 05/03/2022 10:07

Don't even block him as that's a kind of response. Just ignore him. That totally removes his power in this situation.

dworky · 05/03/2022 10:08

This is simply another facet of his abuse.

They all do this & the only solution is strict no contact, no calls, text or emails and if you come across him in the street, blank him.

Doggydreaming · 05/03/2022 10:10

Yes, it was just after schools went back after lockdown 1. I was working from home and lost track of time - the new routine threw me. I didn't realise until I got a call from the school teacher. Major embarrassment. I still cringe when I think about it now.

notacooldad · 05/03/2022 10:11

Personally I'd delete, ignore and carry on with my day
However if I was to reply I would say "Get to fuck, you clown, what are you on about"

Doggydreaming · 05/03/2022 10:12

Another time I was late for pick up because I went to the wrong school on autopilot (my DD had recently transitioned from infants to junior school). I am generally a spacey fucker though. In my defense I have a particular kind of benign tumour that causes terrible brain fog.

Itwasntmeright · 05/03/2022 10:13

It’s a narcissistic attempt at self reflection, i’ve been on the end of it before as well and it’s just more head fucking. The sad thing is that he probably does mean it, or he did at the time of writing, and he probably thought he was doing a good thing by writing it. It only goes to prove that even at his most honest and self reflective, he still a complete self-absorbed wanker. You do not however owe him a response, and I would strongly suggest you don’t give him one.

And, none of this is a reflection on you. He probably doesn’t even see you.

Stravaig · 05/03/2022 10:16

OP, it sounds like he understands what he did to you and is acknowledging it. He may be trying to take responsibility for it. I can't tell if he actually apologises. His description seems to match your account of events, which is helpful. He will have sent it because it serves his needs in some way; perhaps genuine remorse, perhaps manipulation - we can't know that from here.

None of that is relevant. You do not have to engage with him. Block his email if that is a helpful boundary to draw. What matters is your reaction - it has upset you and confused you and angered you. Take the email to therapy and explore your reactions with the support of your therapist. Love to you X

tempester28 · 05/03/2022 10:17

You are well rid of him, he is seriously off. I would reply with one line “don’t be daft” then block him.
He is trying to mess with your mind and quite frankly could be potentially dangerous. Burst his ballon then stay away from him

Viviennemary · 05/03/2022 10:19

Hi only aim is to upset you. Don't let him. Say he needs therapy for his guilt complex.

5zeds · 05/03/2022 10:19

Surely this is what the thumbs up emoji was invented for?

He’s an arse. Well done for seeing straight through his bullshit and what was really being said.

Sparkletastic · 05/03/2022 10:19

He is romanticising his bad behaviour. I'd reply with a 👍🏼 because it's my favourite response to idiots.

ThanksIGotItInMorrisons · 05/03/2022 10:19

I agree. Reply with “
Sorry, who are you?
Then Block and ignore.

fortunenookie · 05/03/2022 10:20

After a shag I’d say

pictish · 05/03/2022 10:20

It may be an unpopular or even silly point of view but I suspect he’ll send another despite ‘no response’. He’s not going to stand for being ignored after that fine offering. He may even see no response as evidence of OP’s continued brokenness…and be encouraged.

For me, it would be a case of replying to explicitly state that I want no further contact from him…just in case he is set on having it. Should he become a threat (unlikely, but he IS a fuck up) there is evidence in writing to show that the contact was not wanted.
That’s why I’d respond, “Wtf? Take your self-absorbed navel gazing somewhere else thanks. Blocked.”
There is no comeback or confusion from that…and you’re flicking him away into the bargain. Block him.
I doubt you’ll get a second attempt.

Whatsonmymindgrapes · 05/03/2022 10:22

Reply “who’s this?”

Or ignore…

Doggydreaming · 05/03/2022 10:22

Sorry, wrong Fred.

ScrambledSmegs · 05/03/2022 10:24

God don't bother replying. What a tool he is.

zingally · 05/03/2022 10:25

He's a knob, who is trying to get in your head.

DO NOT reply to the email, and block him on absolutely everything you can think of.