Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dad: how do you find time for hobbies? Is now just not the time?

151 replies

GreatJoey91 · 05/03/2022 07:58

I recently became a dad for the second time, meaning I now am the proud father of a 4YO girl and 10 month old boy. I love being a Dad and dedicate all of my spare time to my kids, but one thing I miss is having any time for myself.

I work full time and as soon as I walk through the door after work I take over with both kids, feeding them, bathing them and putting the youngest to bed while my partner gets my daughter sorted for bed. On weekends I watch both kids by myself and try to take them out of the house while my partner relaxes. One thing I have found, however, is I have absolutely no time for myself, meaning I very rarely relax and unwind on a weekend before heading back to work.

I used to play sport every weekend, including football and rugby league. I am also a member of a local cycling club who ride every Sunday morning. Now my social life is zero! Am I being unreasonable by wanting a little time on weekends to enjoy these activities? Or simply having some kid free time outside of work? I find that I simply cannot leave the house without the kids, and if I plan anything I have to cancel as my partner doesn't want me to go. It can be very frustrating and get me incredibly down.

I appreciate my partner needs a break too, but does that mean my hobbies must be completely put on hold? Am I in the wrong here?

OP posts:
Piggy42 · 05/03/2022 08:01

So on weekends your partner spends the whole time relaxing while you do all the parenting? You don’t have any family time? I think your sports are probably quite time consuming unless you just went for an hour’s cycle so maybe you need to hold off for now.

parietal · 05/03/2022 08:02

You & your partner should get an equal amount of child-free time each week. How much does she get?

This is a difficult age and things will get easier as the kids get older.

namechange30455 · 05/03/2022 08:03

Is your partner at home with the kids all week? Is that the right setup for her, or is she struggling and would be better going back to work? Is she depressed?

I'd need the whole weekend to recover after 5 days at home with a 4yo and 10mo, but that doesn't mean it's fair on you!

biggreenhouse · 05/03/2022 08:03

yanbu as long as your partner is getting getting a equal time alone to do her thing. Id pick one of your hobbies that has the shorted time though -being out for 2 hours to play football is fair enough.. being out 6 + hours a day while you join join social afterwards etc wouldn't be ok for me. (whilst having extra young kids)

spaceman1 · 05/03/2022 08:04

It sounds like you need to put the kids and DP first at the moment. Maybe you could go for a run for 30 minutes to let off some steam?

KindlyKanga · 05/03/2022 08:05

You should both have the same amount of child free time at the weekends really. Her looking after them in the day during the week is like your working. Is the plan for your partner to go back to work?

Margotshypotheticaldog · 05/03/2022 08:09

Yiu should both be able to have time to yourselves. Sit down and talk about it. Whatever free time one person gets, the other gets the same. It should get a little easier as the kids get older.

Aroundtheworldin80moves · 05/03/2022 08:09

When ours were that age neither of us had much relaxation time until after bedtime really. DH used to take them out Saturday morning... but I was doing housework!

We had one evening hobby each... DH had his Scout troop, I went to a choir that had a creche as he was often working away.

Even now they are older weekends can be hectic because they have clashing commitments. Today DD2 has a sponsored run, so DH and DD will be there all day. DD1 and I will be sorting DD2s birthday presents, homework, and general hanging out.
Tomorrow they have different sport events.

SamphiretheStickerist · 05/03/2022 08:09

Yeah. Cos we can't tell a TAAT when we see one 🙂

KindlyKanga · 05/03/2022 08:10

@SamphiretheStickerist

Yeah. Cos we can't tell a TAAT when we see one 🙂
Can't see the thread it's on about.
HardbackWriter · 05/03/2022 08:11

We have children of very similar ages and neither of us gets loads of me-time but we both get some - some weekends one or other of us will go out for the whole day, some it's just a quick run, but we always both have some time to ourselves (including a lie-in, which we alternate - I'm having mine currently!). So I don't think it's at all unreasonable to want that, though your hobbies aren't the easiest to work around as they're all quite time-consuming and the rugby and football presumably require a regular, weekly commitment (plus training?). The cycling sounds more like you could go some weeks and not others, which might work better. Also, could you not go out to socialise in the evening sometimes? We both do that a lot as we find that 'eats into' family time much less than having lots of daytime commitments.

DaisyDozyDee · 05/03/2022 08:11

I think finding something where the commitment is flexible would help. A team sport isn’t ever going to be that, but parkrun might work. It’s fun, friendly, doesn’t eat into the whole weekend and if there’s been a rough night with the children, you’re not letting anyone down if you cancel.

millymolls · 05/03/2022 08:11

Personally I think it important fir both parents to retain some individual interests and life beyond parenting
For example you could play football Sunday morning ( not sure if sat / sun) and have. Beer with the boys then home for lunch, and you could all do walk/park etc afternoon
Your wife could do sport/go to gym/yoga/girls shopping trip or whatever sat morning or afternoon

That gives you both some time out

Being a Parent is hard but you don’t have to be a slave to your kids. You can meet friends for lunch with the kids or have people over at weekends too

KindlyKanga · 05/03/2022 08:12

@DaisyDozyDee

I think finding something where the commitment is flexible would help. A team sport isn’t ever going to be that, but parkrun might work. It’s fun, friendly, doesn’t eat into the whole weekend and if there’s been a rough night with the children, you’re not letting anyone down if you cancel.
Yeah that's a good idea. Something flexible.
Mamiddaubach · 05/03/2022 08:13

My husband takes the children out on the weekend, he takes them for a walk or swimming. I pack their bags etc and get the kids dressed. I send them out so that I can clean the house. I wonder if that's what's happening in your house OP?

Theunamedcat · 05/03/2022 08:15

Nothing stopping you going for a run after bedtime my sister runs in the dark all the time she just takes a headtorch

How many hobbies does mum have

PearPickingPorky · 05/03/2022 08:16

You get child-free time at work. Does your wife work? Or is she at home all week with the baby (and 4 year old)?

Your hobbies sound very time consuming, and no, they wouldn't be appropriate every weekend with a family that young, and a full-time job.

If you went for a run or a cycle for an hour on a Saturday, that would be one thing. But socialising hobbies which absorb an entire morning or more, not really OK.

rattlemehearties · 05/03/2022 08:16

Based on your description of your weekend, I can't see why you can't do your Sunday morning cycling club? You take the kids on Saturdays. You're back by Sunday pm I guess?

KindlyKanga · 05/03/2022 08:17

That's a point does mum relax or does she go horray no little feet I can do all the cleaning I wanted to do.

When does mum get to go out?

GalactatingGoddess · 05/03/2022 08:17

Equal time each? Does she work? There is a lot of sacrifice and compromise obviously.

DH tries to give me more time as I work part time and have stayed in a job that does not currently boost my earning potential (I took a big pay cut, cut to part time and halted a career move) as it made sense for the time but since my life/career was impacted more then my views are that I get a bit more time than him!

My views are that some will say if she's a SAHM then she gets lots of time but tbh time looking after the kids is not time so if she is a SAHM this needs to be treat as time working still

KatherineofGaunt · 05/03/2022 08:18

I earn the money in our household. The DC also gravitate towards me when I'm at home - I have to be in Mummy-mode from the second I step through the door. I get very little time to myself and I'm very rarely in the house without DC, so I find myself either at workv or hanging out with the DC. So I totally understand your frustration!

However, while I don't have time for many of my hobbies at the moment, I do get to do two exercise classes in the week. One is after bedtime on a weekday and the other is the weekend. And I get one lie-in at the weekend. That is my me-time. We always do something together on at least one day at the weekend.

I think you need to have a talk with your partner. While I totally respect that those who are SAHP are with them constantly during working hours, going to work is not a "break" and you are entitled to even a couple of hours a week where you can do something for yourself. Everyone needs a break and some time so it needs to be fair to you both. Being a SAHP to two children (does the 4-year-old go to nursery?) does not mean the person going to work has to sacrifice all their time at home to giving the SAHP a break.

GalactatingGoddess · 05/03/2022 08:18

@SamphiretheStickerist what is a TAAT? I always see this acronym but can't figure it out

Theunamedcat · 05/03/2022 08:22

[quote GalactatingGoddess]@SamphiretheStickerist what is a TAAT? I always see this acronym but can't figure it out [/quote]
Thread About A Thread

Phineyj · 05/03/2022 08:22

Thread about a thread.

KatieKat88 · 05/03/2022 08:22

Yeah unless your DW is literally out of the house all weekend I'm questioning whether you're doing literally all of the childcare/housework. You do sound supportive and like you're pulling your weight (as you should) but I think with two so young regular hobbies that take hours out of your weekend fall by the wayside.