Dad: how do you find time for hobbies? Is now just not the time?

[GreatJoey91]

I recently became a dad for the second time, meaning I now am the proud father of a 4YO girl and 10 month old boy. I love being a Dad and dedicate all of my spare time to my kids, but one thing I miss is having any time for myself.

I work full time and as soon as I walk through the door after work I take over with both kids, feeding them, bathing them and putting the youngest to bed while my partner gets my daughter sorted for bed. On weekends I watch both kids by myself and try to take them out of the house while my partner relaxes. One thing I have found, however, is I have absolutely no time for myself, meaning I very rarely relax and unwind on a weekend before heading back to work.

I used to play sport every weekend, including football and rugby league. I am also a member of a local cycling club who ride every Sunday morning. Now my social life is zero! Am I being unreasonable by wanting a little time on weekends to enjoy these activities? Or simply having some kid free time outside of work? I find that I simply cannot leave the house without the kids, and if I plan anything I have to cancel as my partner doesn't want me to go. It can be very frustrating and get me incredibly down.

I appreciate my partner needs a break too, but does that mean my hobbies must be completely put on hold? Am I in the wrong here?

Your partner doesn't sound very well, and she certainly doesn't sound like being at home is good for her. Is she planning to go back to work? Has she always been like this - no hobbies, anxious, reluctant to go out - or is it more recent? Does she take the children out during the week? Do you never go out as a family? How would she react if you suggested that she take them to grandparents and you do washing and cleaning?

I do think the weekends should be split. It's hard being a mum,

Personally I think you and your partner need to share out the weekend a bit more and also do things as a family. She can't possibly be cleaning all weekend. Maybe you both get a few hours on your own each to do what you choose then she can spend a few hours cleaning separate to that. If she spends her free time doing extra cleaning over hobbies guess that's her choice.

Being a parent is tiring but it doesn't mean you (in this choice your partner) get to opt out at weekends, i feel like you are very chilled as I would be complaining if we never did anything as a family let alone never got any free time. Definitely speak to her about it, you work and do your fair share with the children, you deserve some time. Also can't she do any of the cleaning while your oldest is in childcare? Presumably the younger one naps, so she could either clean or rest then too.

I would love to have family time on a weekend, even just a trip together to the park, but my partner is tired from the week and has housework to do, so I do it solo to make sure the kids aren't just stuck inside all weekend. help with the housework? Then encourage her to go out by herself for a bit to get out the house?

Also try and find ways to bring the kids into your hobbies. Can 4 yo ride a bike? Take them out with you for an hour. Yes it's slow but think of it as investing - those boring short rides now are building up to longer rides later on.

Anxiety is exhausting in itself, she needs to go out for a walk, alot.

Sorry posted too soon. It's hard being a mum at home all day with the children but you're working all day and also need a break. She can probably do some house work when the eldest is in nursery or in the evening when you take over with the kids, it'd free up your weekends. You both need downtime but life must be miserable if you're in work all day and then have the children every time you're home. It'd make sense to split one day of the weekend so you can both do your own thing then spend one day together as family time is also important. To be honest I'd be very grateful if you were my husband! My partner has not once bathed our child in 3 years, nor does he have him for me often at all.

@OfstedOffred

Also try and find ways to bring the kids into your hobbies. Can 4 yo ride a bike? Take them out with you for an hour. Yes it's slow but think of it as investing - those boring short rides now are building up to longer rides later on.

I think this is a good idea but should be as well as him getting reasonable chunks of time alone, not instead of - ditto to the suggestion above that he gets a bike trailer. That's not a reasonable substitution for a solo ride.

Housework. Both of you do it together on a Saturday morning. Get the eldest child to "help" and plonk the youngest child in a bouncer / pen / jumperoo for twenty minutes. Honestly it doesn't take that long to whip the hoover around and clean the bathrooms etc. It can also be broken down into smaller jobs during the week. So beds get stripped one morning as you are getting up, and covers get put back on in the evening as you're getting ready for bed. Do a laundry load every time you've got enough and put it away each evening. Tidy as you go etc. It's not complicated.

That frees the rest of Saturday for family outings. It sounds a little like your partner has low mood. Getting out will help with that

Sunday morning, you go out cycling for a couple of hours. Sunday afternoon she gets to do whatever she wants to go. That's fair.

Rugby etc is out of the question at the moment. They require big commitments and you don't have the time. It's not forever. Mine are 9 and 6 now and we have loads of free time because they have better social lives than us!

You have to address this though. Lay it all out.. otherwise it's just going to breed resentment and contribute to a breakdown in your relationship.

You’re right in the thick of it. Once both children are at nursery you might find you both have a bit more breathing space.

Agree you both need the same amount of time off though, however little it is when the children are this age.

Does she go out, other than to nursery, at all ?

When DS was born, DH (who works FT) continued with his team sport which he plays one evening a week plus Saturday mornings. He's played it for years, loves it and we both felt it was really important he continued. But he swapped his regular long gym sessions for an occasional run or weights at home at convenient times so he would be in more. It felt like the right compromise and balance; there's a middle ground between giving up everything and spending huge chunks of the weekend on hobbies.

The point about equal leisure time is key (and proper leisure time, not doing housework!). I also play a sport but I wasn't able to return to it until DS was 1 due to post birth issues. So instead I would leave DS with DH on Sunday morning and go swimming or out for a coffee or whatever. Then we would spend Saturday and Sunday afternoons together.

Doesn’t seem like a fair split to me. So she only has the baby in the afternoons whilst eldest one at nursery? And both kids are
Dumped on you for the evenings? Despite you both working during the day ( you at work, she at home). So the evenings should be shared. The weekends should be a mix of family time, and time alone each to wind down/ hobbies/friends without kids tagging along. No, it’s not a fair split. You need to encourage her to find a way to unwind - finding housework to do whilst you have the kids out is just her anxiety at play. To answer your question, not a fair split.

Dw is not getting all the time to herself if she spends most of it doing housework.

I would try and establish a routine where you share the housework (not 50:50 if you are working all day as surely dw can do some in the day), during the week then, have an evening where you can go out and do a sporting activity if that is your thing. And your dw goes out once a week in the evening if she wants.

Then at the weekend you have one family day where you all spend time together go and visit relatives or go out for the day etc

Then one day where you can alternate a bit if time for you and your dw. Eg you get the day to yourself every other week.

Also do make sure that you don't assume that time is in buckets of either "mum has two kids, dad has none" or the reverse. I always found the most pleasant time with the kids was with us both there, spending time with them but also having another adult there is important.

This is one of the reasons why hobby time does have to drop a bit - if all the time is mums hobby or dads hobby theres no family time.

Your partner isn't relaxing though when you take the kids out she is cleaning. So maybe get a cleaner if you can afford it to free up those weekends? Once you have got your eldest to bed I would go out then , so go the gym or whatever.

We have 3 kids, 5, 4 and 6 months old. My dh gives my youngest a feed whilst I do bath and bedtime with the older two. They are in bed by 7.30pm, asleep by 8pm. That gives us both a three hour break before baby needs her last feed and bed. Surely you can use your evenings to relax once the kids are in bed? Meet up for a drink with a friend do a session at the gym, go for a run?

A regular hobby will mean she has to have the kids for a set period each week alongside everything she is already doing and if I was in her position I would resent it. Use your time more wisely and make the most of your evenings. It's a hard slog when they are little but you did sign up for it.

Take it in turns or pay for a weekend babysitter or ask grandparents to help you both equally

Also, having gone back to work part-time when DC were 6 months I can say that although days at home with young children are draining, I sti for to sit down more with a cup of tea etc than I did at work.

Talk us through the evenings again. You feed them, bathe them and put one of them to bed. Who prepares their meals, washes up after them, prepares the adults' dinner, cleans up after adults dinner and puts the other child to bed? Are you sure she is sitting scrolling on her phone while you do nearly everything of an evening? My memory of this age was it was very much all hands to the pumps in the evening.

DH kept his social life going by finding a hobby that started at 9pm on a weeknight.

I am a SAHM but it's my DH who has few hobbies and massive anxiety.
We have a 7 and 2yo. We each have one lie in per weekend. I do most of the housework but he has two largish jobs to do weekly.

We each have time to relax, I don't have every evening and both weekend days to myself, so I think you're probably doing more than most here.

Ask for a more fair system - you can each have one morning to yourself on the weekend and if she wants to spend it in the house that's up to her, but you can get out and do some exercise.

I also like cycling and whilst I have bike seats and trailers and the like, cycling with kids on your bike is nothing like cycling a road bike at 25mph so whilst I also recommend getting a bike seat or trailer so you can get out with the kids, you should also try to get out on your own.

Housework is not a choice or a hobby and it certainly doesn't count as free time. It is time consuming, never ending and soul destroying. Yoy both need to agreeequal free time. Free from childcare or housework. Personally I think personal free time for each parent is more important at this age than family days out, but maybe that's just me.

It's fine for you both to have times during weekends where you have no childcare responsibilities and have time and energy to pursue other interests. But for each such hour you secure for yourself you need to facilitate your partner also having an hour away from the kids at a time when she has a social or leisure activity she wants to pursue and the energy/lack of exhaustion to do it in (it's no good facilitating such opportunities at times when she is too exhausted to appreciate it). It will have to be limited as obviously all such endeavors will eat into family time together so neither of you can commit to a regular weekly thing that requires your loyalty.

You need to do half the housework and let her have some of the fun time with the kids too.

Why don't you come home and take over the housework sometimes so she can have a lovely bedtime with the kids knowing she will come down to a clean kitchen, adult dinner, hoovered house and load of washing folded and put away? I bet that cheers her up no end!

You have a job. Dealing with the kids all day is a full time job. The housework is a third job on top of that. (If you don't believe me, look at the salaries for nanny-housekeepers. You have to pay extra for someone to do housekeeping on top of childcare.)

I think this is a good idea but should be as well as him getting reasonable chunks of time alone, not instead of

Agreed, but define "reasonable chunks". When you work and have young children, realistically you are limited to a couple of hours each evening - less if your kids arent in bed early enough, and weekend time, its not an indefinite amount of time. Fucking off to rugby for 4 hours on a saturday and cycling for 4 hours on a sunday for example many people would be consider not feasible. Shorter chunks of time are more manageable and limit the impact on the other partner.