Dad: how do you find time for hobbies? Is now just not the time?

[GreatJoey91]

I recently became a dad for the second time, meaning I now am the proud father of a 4YO girl and 10 month old boy. I love being a Dad and dedicate all of my spare time to my kids, but one thing I miss is having any time for myself.

I work full time and as soon as I walk through the door after work I take over with both kids, feeding them, bathing them and putting the youngest to bed while my partner gets my daughter sorted for bed. On weekends I watch both kids by myself and try to take them out of the house while my partner relaxes. One thing I have found, however, is I have absolutely no time for myself, meaning I very rarely relax and unwind on a weekend before heading back to work.

I used to play sport every weekend, including football and rugby league. I am also a member of a local cycling club who ride every Sunday morning. Now my social life is zero! Am I being unreasonable by wanting a little time on weekends to enjoy these activities? Or simply having some kid free time outside of work? I find that I simply cannot leave the house without the kids, and if I plan anything I have to cancel as my partner doesn't want me to go. It can be very frustrating and get me incredibly down.

I appreciate my partner needs a break too, but does that mean my hobbies must be completely put on hold? Am I in the wrong here?

Why don’t you find a hobby you can do at home in the evenings when your children are in bed.

Or go to the gym or for a run during you lunch break at work .

Or do Parkrun with your youngest or even both in a buggy. Lots of people do this.

I think one of the issues here might be that you see looking after your children while doing something else you like as work. Eg going to visit friends and family and taking the kids . No doubt GP also spend a lot of that time actually looking after the children while you relax.

While you see your wife staying at home to do housework ( which very few people enjoy ) as “ relaxing “ and having “ me time “ because she sometimes uses her phone.

I’d also guess that when you wife looks after the children she does work ( housework, cleaning , laundry , tidying ) at the same time.

Do why don’t you switch things round for a few weeks and see how that works for you.

Your wife can take the kids over to her mothers on a Saturday while you stay at home doing housework and relaxing. And she can go out on Sunday and see her friends / do hobbies and relax.

Before we had kids my DH did lots of sport
He wanted to give it all up when we had the DC but I encouraged him to stick with Sunday morning football
I thought it was important for his wellbeing

I would love to have family time on a weekend, even just a trip together to the park, but my partner is tired from the week and has housework to do, so I do it solo to make sure the kids aren't just stuck inside all weekend.

Why not help with the housework for a few hours, then you can have a family time and then on Sundays each have child free time?

Bit weird that you're taking the kids out all weekend and your partner just stays at home tied to the sink tbh.

This seems like a very one sided account tbh.
10 months is a very hard age, your partner is probably a walking zombie right now.
What about night feeds? Does she bf?

Sorry this post looks like a biscuit to me. Nobody has free time before the kids are 5.

@Shehasadiamondinthesky

Sorry this post looks like a biscuit to me. Nobody has free time before the kids are 5.

I have a 3 year old and a 12 month old and DH and I both have free time - I'm pretty certain I'm real?!

Welcome to parenting Dad

Evenings comprise of the following:

I get in from work at around 4:45-5pm. Little one is napping so I go get him up, change him, give him his bottle and evening meal. I then cook my 4YO daughter's evening meal (if my partner hasn't had chance to prepare a family meal).

6pm is daughter's bath time, so I bathe her while my youngest sits in his bouncer chair in the bathroom. Then dried, dressed and ready for bed.

7pm - I bath my son.

7:30pm - partner reads stories to my daughter and puts her to bed. At the same time I get my son ready for bed and make his milk.

8pm - I feed my son his bed time bottle and put him to bed

@OfstedOffred

I think this is a good idea but should be as well as him getting reasonable chunks of time alone, not instead of

Agreed, but define "reasonable chunks". When you work and have young children, realistically you are limited to a couple of hours each evening - less if your kids arent in bed early enough, and weekend time, its not an indefinite amount of time. Fucking off to rugby for 4 hours on a saturday and cycling for 4 hours on a sunday for example many people would be consider not feasible. Shorter chunks of time are more manageable and limit the impact on the other partner.

Completely agree with all of this. The problem is the single best solution is for everyone to be on the same page, reasonable and considerate, not to have designated chunks. Personally I'd hate to be told that my 'chunk' is one morning and that's set in stone - there's a lot of things I do that I couldn't under that arrangement (and I also wouldn't necessarily want to use it every week). But DH and I both feel it balances out over time. If you can't do that I agree that a time limit is much better than one or other partner getting no time at all, which sounds like an absolute recipe for poor mental health.

Bike trailer is such a good idea!!

Mum definitely needs some help to get kick started on taking some time for herself. Once she starts prioritising herself then she may try to do a bit more housework on the weekday afternoons because she WANTS to do the stuff for her on a Saturday. It's so easy if you know you're going to have child free time to leave the cleaning until then because it is definitely easier, but it's not actually a great use of time. But if you've nothing to compare it to then you'd just keep doing it like that.

Having a cleaner come on a Saturday morning would also be fabulous. We really don't need one, but I still think I'd cry if my husband got me a cleaner as a surprise 😂

If you don't fancy the bike trailer, then cycling club is definitely the better option as like pp said team sports are too hard to pick up and put down.

You could take the kids to watch the rugby though!

What is your DP doing while you do bath time? What happens if you suggest swapping a couple of nights a week so she does the bath and you do her side?

@GreatJoey91

Evenings comprise of the following:

I get in from work at around 4:45-5pm. Little one is napping so I go get him up, change him, give him his bottle and evening meal. I then cook my 4YO daughter's evening meal (if my partner hasn't had chance to prepare a family meal).

6pm is daughter's bath time, so I bathe her while my youngest sits in his bouncer chair in the bathroom. Then dried, dressed and ready for bed.

7pm - I bath my son.

7:30pm - partner reads stories to my daughter and puts her to bed. At the same time I get my son ready for bed and make his milk.

8pm - I feed my son his bed time bottle and put him to bed

Yes this is normal, I'm not sure what you're looking for, but sounds like you're ground down with the repetitiveness of it, it is repetitive but that's what having kids takes.

Also, my husband does his hobby in the morning before work, gets up at 5am to do it 3x a week. So there's always that option! I think he's quite mad, but he loves it.

Ignore the time gained from nursery. Thats a time suck not a gain as it is such a short amount of time, it will be harder work attending than not with a ten month old in tow.

Youve not mentioned any meals being prepared apart from you preparing the meal and feeding the toddler in the evening. Is this every evening? You've not mentioned sharing any cleaning and housework. Im not sure you've got an accurate picture of what your partner’s day is like.

You say you take the children out for hours every weekend. To the park. Have you considered doing something else than the park? Four to five hours at the park for a ten month old and a toddler every weekend is an extremely long amount of time! I cannot see how that is enjoyable time for them!

Am I being unreasonable by wanting a little time on weekends to enjoy these activities? Or simply having some kid free time outside of work?
No. Obviously not. But when your children are this small, clubs and teams are not appropriate because they take a massive amount of time and commitment. Get a toddler trailer for the bike. Going for a ride yourself is not unreasonable. Being out in a club cycle for hours each weekend obviously is.

Do you think your partner uses housework partly as a way to be avoidant about leaving the house?

You said she is anxious, in what ways?
This may be what needs addressing initially.

When my children were young, Saturday morning was when me and dh together would blitz the house. Then we’d all go out. Obviously washing, drying, ironing and putting clothes away is a daily chore.

Do you have set chores in the house? What are yours and how often are you doing them?

If the issue is time, you need to look at how efficient you are being with the housework in order to create better chunks of time.

Once or twice a week, one adult goes out to do hobby while other parent is home. Both parents equally allowed to do something. One parent refusing to take up a hobby isn't reason that the other can't.

Easily arranged amongst the reasonable. I do a lot of evening hobbies and my husband takes over the kids, cooking etc, ever since they were babies. Then when he wants to do something, vice versa.

I was a SAHM for a decade, and didn't find it tough. As you say, it's vital for each parent to get their alone time and the cleaning can be done during each day - you don't have to stare at the kid for 12 hours. I cleaned, so the weekends were for family time. Evenings for hobbies.

You're coming home and taking over and doing loads. You shouldn't have to do a week's worth of cleaning at the weekend. I do think you deserve an evening to do your own thing and 'oh but SAHM is so hard' isn't an excuse to deny you that.

Hell, I bundled my DH out of the door to do activities. He wouldn't prioritise himself so I insisted. He was a lot better for it.

I also don't think you've said, but I have a sense your partner is probably more in need of a break than you.

I'm a working mum, have done since they were 6 months old. My down time unbelievably is work, I get a 1 hour lunch every day where I do stuff. My commute is down time too.

Your wife gets none.

This is if we're talking free time without kids of housework.

Stop taking the kids to the park on your own, do something as a family.

All your wife will do whilst your out with the kids is housework.

Speaking as an previous SAHM here.

I'm really sorry but I do think there could be more efficiencies in you/your wife's routines...especially as your youngest gets a bit older. Could nap time me moved a bit earlier. Feed and bathe them at the same time? Initally a bit more juggling but ultimately take less time.

Could your wife prepare food during the day so children's mealtimes are more of a heat up?

Could more housework be done during the week so there is less need at the weekend. (And by both of you potentially - folding laundry whilst tea is heating, the bath is running. Clean the bathroom whilst children are splashing in the bath?)

Streamline everything a bit. In agreement. Then work out (week by week) who you both get some time alone and all together.

How much housework is your wife doing? If the baby naps well by himself and the 4 year old is in nursery then surely she can get bits done then? If you're out the house 4 hours one day and a couple the next then she cant have so many jobs that she doesn't get any free time.

It does sound like she is anxious, is she getting any help with this? Could you afford a cleaner at all?

I think the only way you can get any free time is just insist and have a set (ish) time that you have to yourself. 90 min on a Sunday morning so you can go a cycle or whatever you want is not a big ask.

Things would usually get better as your children get older, I'm sure you remember it with your eldest one, there comes an age where they are happy pottering about themselves and you can get on with things alongside them. 2 children are intense when one of them is a baby.

the thing that struck me is "she doesn't want me to go out" but you don't say why not. I think you both need some me time, even if its only a couple of hours a week, and I think you need to have gentle discussions about how this can happen for you both.

@GreatJoey91

Evenings comprise of the following:

I get in from work at around 4:45-5pm. Little one is napping so I go get him up, change him, give him his bottle and evening meal. I then cook my 4YO daughter's evening meal (if my partner hasn't had chance to prepare a family meal).

6pm is daughter's bath time, so I bathe her while my youngest sits in his bouncer chair in the bathroom. Then dried, dressed and ready for bed.

7pm - I bath my son.

7:30pm - partner reads stories to my daughter and puts her to bed. At the same time I get my son ready for bed and make his milk.

8pm - I feed my son his bed time bottle and put him to bed

Your OP makes it sound like you come home from work and so everything while your wife sits on her ass but the reality sounds much more shared. So while you change the baby, give him his bottle and dinner presumably your wife is there giving the 4YO attention? Then you sometimes prepare the dinner for 4YO which obviously means your wife also does this on other days. While you are bathing both kids your wife is probably running around clearing up after the day, then making dinner. Then she puts the old child to bed and you do the other one so it isn’t like she clocks off at 5pm every night while you keep working.

Then you say you have the kids “all” weekend but actually you take them out for a few hours.
You could take them to your parents and the park and still be back before lunch.
You say your wife stays at home as she has housework to do - is this shared? You don’t mention doing any housework at all in the week.

Having young kids is relentless, but it doesn’t sound like you are doing it all.
Have a chat with your wife about carving out some time on one of the weekend days, say a few hours in the morning or the afternoon and then your wife gets the same free hours on the other day.