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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dad: how do you find time for hobbies? Is now just not the time?

151 replies

GreatJoey91 · 05/03/2022 07:58

I recently became a dad for the second time, meaning I now am the proud father of a 4YO girl and 10 month old boy. I love being a Dad and dedicate all of my spare time to my kids, but one thing I miss is having any time for myself.

I work full time and as soon as I walk through the door after work I take over with both kids, feeding them, bathing them and putting the youngest to bed while my partner gets my daughter sorted for bed. On weekends I watch both kids by myself and try to take them out of the house while my partner relaxes. One thing I have found, however, is I have absolutely no time for myself, meaning I very rarely relax and unwind on a weekend before heading back to work.

I used to play sport every weekend, including football and rugby league. I am also a member of a local cycling club who ride every Sunday morning. Now my social life is zero! Am I being unreasonable by wanting a little time on weekends to enjoy these activities? Or simply having some kid free time outside of work? I find that I simply cannot leave the house without the kids, and if I plan anything I have to cancel as my partner doesn't want me to go. It can be very frustrating and get me incredibly down.

I appreciate my partner needs a break too, but does that mean my hobbies must be completely put on hold? Am I in the wrong here?

OP posts:
Doggydreaming · 05/03/2022 10:32

Yanbu. You both need some free time and space or you will crack up! Time for enjoyment of hobbies and self care is an absolute must or you will be tired and resentful parents with no joy in your life.

Surely you can arrange to give each other an hour or two on a weekend or evening each week, at the very least!

Squeakerfoot · 05/03/2022 10:33

Is it possible that there really is a massive pile up of housework and laundry that you are underplaying and that she is shouldering alone?

It can be very hard to get housework done when you have a baby and a small child. Some babies nap or play happily in a bouncer and some don't. A demanding baby is very full on.

Also, are you creating lots of extra housework that you don't recognize and that she is using her child free time to tackle? This doesn't necessarily have to be about anxiety or crazy standards of housework. I often see male partners not taking responsibility for the domestic burden to the degree that they don't even admit those tasks are real or necessary. And it's possible that they are creating as much mess as the kids. Of course this may not be the case but it's possible and your post feels one sided to me.

Hobbies are great but most parents have to cut down massively or put them on hold with small children. Pushing her about hobbies isn't necessarily best. She might be so knackered from looking after the baby that the best thing for her is rest. What does she say about the whole situation?

If tidying and cleaning is the main way she's using her childfree time she is not relaxing or resting. It's labour. And so what if she takes a few breaks to scroll on her phone?

AlisonDonut · 05/03/2022 10:34

but my partner is tired from the week and has housework to do

As suspected. She isn't relaxing is she?

LivingDeadGirlUK · 05/03/2022 10:35

You should both be getting a couple of hours of child free time to yourselves. 'to yourselves' being the key phrase here, my partner does more weekend childcare but I use some of that time for cleaning.

Branleuse · 05/03/2022 10:35

Maybe you could stretch to getting a cleaner for a couple of hours on a friday so youve both got more time on a weekend

Zonder · 05/03/2022 10:39

I don't think your wife is being fair. You're working full time while she has the kids. So that's equal. You come home and seem to do more than her. That's kind of ok because it doesn't seem massively imbalanced.

It's the weekends that are wrong. You could do a day each of taking kids out. Or half a day each doing your own thing while the other has the kids and then a day as a family.

Any chance you could pay for a cleaner? Or both do the cleaning in turns on the family day?

Hellolittlestar · 05/03/2022 10:39

One weekend (half) day for your partner to relax, the other (half) day for you. And that still leaves some family time.

Original poster
GreatJoey91 · 05/03/2022 10:41

I do some housework like washing baby bottles, loading and unloading the dishwasher and putting washing away, but I will take on board comments around shouldering the domestic burden and helping out more. I'll ask my partner where I can help and see if she's willing to relinquish some responsibility.

That may help us to find a couple of hours each to do our own things.

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 05/03/2022 10:42

Your partner doesn’t sound like she’s coping too well. Is your baby particularly difficult? Because if the 4 yo is at nursery every afternoon she should have time for meal prep and chores, and not going out anywhere as a family all weekend or needing Grandma around so you can have a bike ride for a few hours on a Sunday is not normal, even with the demands of a new(ish) baby.

Is her anxiety treated? Does she take the 2x DC out of the house by herself on weekdays?

Jamnation · 05/03/2022 10:44

I have my doubts about that schedule - why would you bath one child at 6pm for a while hour with the other one watching, only to then bath the other at 7pm? But mainly you've completely left out what your wife is doing all evening. I suspect she's busy too - wrangling the other child while you do one, or cooking dinner, washing up etc.

user1492809438 · 05/03/2022 10:45

This reply has been deleted

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Margotshypotheticaldog · 05/03/2022 10:46

I'll ask my partner where I can help and see if she's willing to relinquish some responsibility.
Great plan. I suspect she will prove more than willing to " relinquish" some of the drudgery. 😅

PrivateHall · 05/03/2022 10:52

I am a bit surprised she can't do a little house work during the week, just to keep on top of things. As others said, is she doing ok? Is she happy being a SAHM?
Could you head out early to cycle on a Saturday, then when you are back can you both get some housework done to blast it out in a couple of hours? Most people can manage to do housework even with DC around. Then she relaxes the rest of the day if she wants, leaving you all Sunday to spend as a family. Your current set up is a little odd and from your posts it sounds like you pushed for this arrangement to try and give her some downtime. However she may well find she is happier if you all spend time together as a family instead, maybe give it a try?

It does get easier as they get older by the way!

Original poster
GreatJoey91 · 05/03/2022 10:55

A sperm donor? Really?

I'm not a deadbeat Dad who doesn't see his kids. I enjoy time with both my children, otherwise why would I take them out alone on weekends, and most importantly they love time with me too.

That doesn't mean I can't enjoy a break now and then and a bit of self care.

I take great offence to this comment and I know my partner would too.

It seems you need up grow up, not me!

OP posts:
AlisonDonut · 05/03/2022 10:56

I'll ask my partner where I can help and see if she's willing to relinquish some responsibility.

Or just use your eyes and do some housework all on your own?

lifeuphigh · 05/03/2022 11:01

You don't sound like a parent, more of a sperm donor.

That's a very harsh comment, I don't get that impression at all.

I do think the house could be run way more efficiently though, as a PP said. Why not bathe both kids together (my kids always loved shared baths, the younger two still do - it's a great opportunity for them to play together) and that way you could bring bedtime forward, which you say you're keen to do anyway. That would allow you to either to have a nightly housework blitz for 20 minutes so there's not as much to do at the weekend, or for you to fit some you time into an evening.

Similarly, as a pp suggested, you could blitz the housework together on a Saturday morning leaving the rest of the weekend free; then you have Saturday afternoon as a family, Sunday morning is for you, Sunday afternoon is for your partner. Or something like that. I think you just need to present a few different constructive options to your partner and ask her which one would suit her best.

HardbackWriter · 05/03/2022 11:01

I'm not sure that competitive martyrdom is that helpful to OP - it's perfectly possible for both parents to have some downtime when they have young children and he's not being unreasonable to want some. Nor is it very helpful for people to project onto OP whatever's pissing them off about their own partner...

Liveandkicking · 05/03/2022 11:03

Neither my DH or I had hobbies whilst our kids were under school age. I think actually that’s pretty normal and where parents do there is often unhappiness about it.

Luredbyapomegranate · 05/03/2022 11:05

Yes you should get some time off, you are taking on too much right now, from what you say. Tackle this with your partner, if she suffers from anxiety, she may be a bit burnt out. Talk to her about the fact you both need to make some time for your selves for the sake of your health and the long term health of your family.

You should both aim to get a decent slot (2 - 3 hours) to yourselves most weekends. Is that long enough for cycling? If not perhaps try park run or join a cross fit gym. Encourage your partner to think about what she might like to do - perhaps swimming or yoga. Also try and do one activity together at weekends eg taking kids to park or swimming.

It’s nice to give your partner one weekday evening
off a week, but you shouldn’t be doing both kids every night - generally split it - one Bath each.

Looking after kids is a grind, so talk to her about ways to reduce that eg meals out of the freezer sometimes.

She should see her GP about the anxiety and get a referral for CBT. Withdrawing from the world (if that’s what’s going on) will make it worse long term. There’s help online and good books also.

If she struggles to get housework done during the week the organised mum method can be really useful - and reduce cooking and any excessive housework standards.

Also - date night once a month - can someone babysit the kids so you get out together?

marieantoinehairnet · 05/03/2022 11:05

Cleaning bottles isn't house work...

Hoovering, mopping, cleaning kitchens and bathrooms, washing up, loading dishwashers, washing, folding and ironing, putting away, dusting, food shopping, cooking, this is all house work and sounds like if you're just "washing bottles" you're getting off very lightly

Luredbyapomegranate · 05/03/2022 11:10

@user1492809438

You don't sound like a parent, more of a sperm donor. Having children is a choice, but also a commitment. A real parent enjoys being with their children, changes their life to accommodate their needs and shouldn't be thinking twice about it. Put your hobbies on the back burner, grow up and be a dad.
@user1492809438

😂 don’t be such an idiot, the OP spends plenty of time with his kids. It’s responsible to look after your health as a parent, and that includes planning for rest time.

Go back to bed and get out the right side.

raspberryjamchicken · 05/03/2022 11:11

Surely you can arrange to give each other an hour or two on a weekend or evening each week, at the very least!

OP says he takes the kids out for 4/5 hours every weekend. His wife is choosing to spend this time on housework apparently.

HikingforScenery · 05/03/2022 11:36

You should be able to still spend time on your hobbies. I’d expect this I’d both of you are working full time but not if your DP is a sahp.

Also if you’re taking your children out 4/5 hours both days of the weekend, you still should have time to focus on your hobbies. Your DP should be ready to take them back on her own after all that time, surely.

Original poster
GreatJoey91 · 05/03/2022 12:17

Thanks everyone for your messages and impartial advice. Lots for me to take away and think about, particularly around balance and sharing the workload between myself and my partner.

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 05/03/2022 12:23

@GreatJoey91

Thanks everyone for your messages and impartial advice. Lots for me to take away and think about, particularly around balance and sharing the workload between myself and my partner.
Nice one. Two children is a big change to dynamics - especially when you think you know how it goes from having the first child! - so listening to each other and readjusting and taking fair shares is really important. Hope you can all find a balance.