Dad: how do you find time for hobbies? Is now just not the time?

[GreatJoey91]

I recently became a dad for the second time, meaning I now am the proud father of a 4YO girl and 10 month old boy. I love being a Dad and dedicate all of my spare time to my kids, but one thing I miss is having any time for myself.

I work full time and as soon as I walk through the door after work I take over with both kids, feeding them, bathing them and putting the youngest to bed while my partner gets my daughter sorted for bed. On weekends I watch both kids by myself and try to take them out of the house while my partner relaxes. One thing I have found, however, is I have absolutely no time for myself, meaning I very rarely relax and unwind on a weekend before heading back to work.

I used to play sport every weekend, including football and rugby league. I am also a member of a local cycling club who ride every Sunday morning. Now my social life is zero! Am I being unreasonable by wanting a little time on weekends to enjoy these activities? Or simply having some kid free time outside of work? I find that I simply cannot leave the house without the kids, and if I plan anything I have to cancel as my partner doesn't want me to go. It can be very frustrating and get me incredibly down.

I appreciate my partner needs a break too, but does that mean my hobbies must be completely put on hold? Am I in the wrong here?

@SamphiretheStickerist

Yeah. Cos we can't tell a TAAT when we see one 🙂

You should have equal child free time. Can you go for a short ride by yourself on the weekend - or join a group for part of a ride so it doesn’t take a full morning? Or do an exercise/social one night of week when kids in bed.

I think team sports have to go at this age unless you and wife can get v organised - though maybe when younger one is in nursery and wife can get rest during week, it could be easier?

For me and DH, housework isn’t the first thing to ‘give’. But different people have different priorities and maybe it is higher up on you wife’s list.

Sorry - that should be housework is the first thing to ‘give’

Offer to marry her she's made herself vulnerable financially being the SAHP

OP it’s not about asking her what she would be willing to relinquish. You need to develop housework awareness the same way she does, so you do it without a discussion being necessary — not add to her mental load by making her the “manager” — I am not trying to patronise you by bolding that, it’s just that it is so key, and yet so frequently not factored in to these conversations.

You seem to have a really transactional view of the entire set-up. Please reflect on that. I’m not trying to insult you. But that type of thinking isn’t conducive to a healthy balance of love and respect that will help a relationship survive the incredibly tough early parenting years.

If you were a woman posting, you'd have got 100% YANBU.

Even though men are often treated harshly on here 71% of people STILL think YANBU.

It is important that ALL parents ringfence some time to themselves, to relax in whatever way works for them - some people would prefer to use this to have a lie in / watch crap TV / MN / scroll on phone / have a bath, others would prefer to exercise, others prefer to leave the house and be 'first name' rather then Mum / Dad for an evening. We are all different, but all need a break from 'the daily grind' in one way or another.
It seems from all you have said, that seems to be somewhat one-sided in your relationship.

I would allocate one day a weekend to family time and household stuff that needs doing. On the other day you should each have a certain amount of time child-free to do hobbies (3 hours).

Needs to be 50/50 for you abs your partner. I’d say one/two evening during the week you do something, an hour or so at the weekend for yourself, partner gets same, rest is family time.

I sympathise. We have a 2 year old and a 9 month old and it's really really hard. Neither of us have much time for ourselves atm. Partner works full time from home and I'm a SAHM. At the moment, partner wakes up early to go to a fitness class at 6am every day. He gets home after 7am to pick up the dog, and takes him out for an hour with friends, gets home, has a shower and breakfast and starts work at 9am. I get up around 6.30am, get both kids up, dressed and fed, in addition to having a shower and my own breakfast. I then look after them all day. At 5pm, partner finishes work and feeds the kids the food which I have prepared them. I then have an hour of me time, which has to involve the dog - so I either run with him, or walk with him, listening to podcast / audiobook / language app. I get back shortly after 6pm, kids already in the bath - he does bedtime for toddler and I do bedtime for baby. Then we have 7-9pm for making and eating dinner and relaxing together, before I go to bed. He sometimes stays up later, but often doesn't. On Saturday, partner takes baby in the morning so I get an extra 30 mins in bed before toddler wakes up. We have breakfast together and then he usually takes them out for the morning so I can relax. Though this morning I did chores and exercise. We have lunch together, baby naps and then he usually goes out in the afternoon - walks, sees friends etc. We reconvene for the kid's dinner. I might go for a run or he might take the dog out for 30 or 40 mins. On Sundays we do something as a family. So not a huge amount of time for hobbies. I will say that people often underestimate how hard being at home with young children is. It's hard to get a lot done with a little baby and I really feel like I need to have a good chunk of child-free time at the weekends, even if I do chores instead. I'm also up multiple times a night with the baby, whereas the toddler rarely wakes up, so partner gets uninterrupted sleep. Anyway, that's how we manage our time at the moment- I'd say it's roughly equal, as it should be.

Try and organise some smaller chunks of time where you do things together- that's really important.

It will then lead to time you can spend on your own.

So work with her to spend an hour together as a family at the park, on a walk etc. Even doing jobs together counts- work together to clean a room, one moving furniture while the other vacs, or one tidying while the other dusts.

Can you leave early for work and go to the gym on the way? That's when my DH got his exercise in.

I assume there's a social element to work? You work with people, not alone or with children? Don't underestimate the amount of social contact involved there, even if it isn't people you are choosing to be with!

@GreatJoey91

I do some housework like washing baby bottles, loading and unloading the dishwasher and putting washing away, but I will take on board comments around shouldering the domestic burden and helping out more. I'll ask my partner where I can help and see if she's willing to relinquish some responsibility.

That may help us to find a couple of hours each to do our own things.

Rather than ask your partner, have a look at the Team TOMM website and the lists of jobs there (ok, some of them are a bit mad, I for one do not clean out my cutlery drawer weekly).

Then add to that:

• making and keeping appointments eg dentist, dr, nursery / school admin
• meal planning
• shopping
• putting away shopping
• cooking
• laundry
• tidying away toys
• keeping track of family birthdays / cards / gifts to send
• keeping track of children's activities or party invitations

My DP and I have an exchange: DP gets the whole of Sunday morning and I get the whole of Saturday morning (unless we have something planned as a family). Could you offer the same to your partner? To make that work though you have to ensure that on the Saturday morning when you have the children, you do a decent amount of housework, so she doesn't feel that if she goes out she is creating more work for herself because she comes back to a bomb site.

It slightly also sounds like you are a bit stuck in the baby stage where you end up dividing and conquering a lot because they don't/can't do the same things - eg dad gives older one dinner while mum feeds baby etc. This is inevitable early on but from age 1 or so it gets much easier to kill two birds with 1 stone, both having largely the same solid meals, can be easily bathed together etc

To finish off - it will get much easier for one parent to handle two of them together, thus freeing up time. But it takes planning - the other thing to not forget OP is mental load. Who is doing stuff like keeping an eye on the kids growing, replacing clothes and outgrown shoes, ensuring older one has the dress up for whatever day at nursery, buying the present if someone is invited to a birthday party, attending the nursery parents meetings, meal planning & food shopping, booking swimming/ballet/football classes etc. Some of this stuff isnt just about the time it takes but the headspace it occupies, it can leave you with little mental energy for hobbies.

I love how "I have both children all weekend so my partner can relax" is actually "I take the children to the park, or to my mum's, for a few hours while my partner does housework".

You do sound completely ignorant of the work your wife needs to do when you're not there.

And the 3 hours of nursery a day is next to useless. The stress of organising getting the 4yr old there on time when you are trying to deal with a baby, then get home, with enough time in between to do very little before you have to coordinate the baby to go back for pick-up again.

@AlisonDonut

I'll ask my partner where I can help and see if she's willing to relinquish some responsibility.

Or just use your eyes and do some housework all on your own?

🤣

I think you deserve at least a few hours free time on the weekend. Your partner gets that after all.

@PinkSyCo

I think you deserve at least a few hours free time on the weekend. Your partner gets that after all.

She gets that time to do housework. You must have missed the update.

And the "I have both children all weekend so she can relax" is actually that he takes the children to his mum's for a few hours so she can help him look after them

Well I think it’s a bit unfair that you don’t get any free time. Yes your partner is busy as a SAHM during the week but you’re working and whilst it’s not easy being a SAHM she’s still got some time to chill during the day. She is very lucky she can hand her kids over to you at the end of the day and have a bit of downtime or chance to do some chores without kids around her feet. Sounds like do your fair share but I’d be letting her know you want some time on one weekend day for your hobbies. Seems a bit odd too you take the kids out the way, when do you do family things?

I'll ask my partner where I can help

Then give this a read. www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288/amp

My favourite phrase is:
The problem I have is my partner doesn't have any hobbies (she's not into sports etc.) and suffers badly with anxiety so tends to keep busy cleaning/washing when she has spare time.
That's so funny.....

This thread reminds me of the studies that have found men over estimate the amount of time they do housework and women under estimate.

I do some housework like washing baby bottles, loading and unloading the dishwasher and putting washing away

Are these the jobs only you do? As in you always do the bottles, not your wife. You always load and unload the dishwasher? Your wife never does? What does putting washing away mean? Do you iron, fold and out in the correct wardrobes?

Well I think it’s a bit unfair that you don’t get any free time. Yes your partner is busy as a SAHM during the week but you’re working and whilst it’s not easy being a SAHM she’s still got some time to chill during the day.
When? She's on her own all day with a baby and 4yo, other than 3 hours during the day where it's just the baby (and she needs to do the nursery rus, with the baby, twice within that time).

She is very lucky she can hand her kids over to you at the end of the day and have a bit of downtime or chance to do some chores without kids around her feet.
She hands one child over to OP, while she deals with the other one. (Though I do love how you've described doing chores as her "downtime")

Sounds like do your fair share
It really, really doesn't. It sounds like he hasn't a clue what running a house while looking after 2 small children all day entails. He gets home, makes a bottle for baby, or gives the 4 year old the dinner the mother has prepared, gives them both a bath, and puts one of them to bed. While the mum does the other child.

I don't know why some posters have to be so harsh on Dads. This poster genuinely sounds like he dies a lot and just wants to know if it's reasonable for him to spend a couple of hours out of the whole weekend doing some sport. I have been the Mum at home with a 2 year old and a 4 month old. The 2 year old did one morning a week at nursery and was home the rest of the time and it wasn't that hard to get a bit of housework done during the week. My DH was helpful but I certainly never got 4/5 hours each day of the weekend without the DC around and I would think that's pretty unusual.

does