Page 2 | Dad: how do you find time for hobbies? Is now just not the time?

GreatJoey91 · 2022-03-05T07:58:22+00:00

I recently became a dad for the second time, meaning I now am the proud father of a 4YO girl and 10 month old boy. I love being a Dad and dedicate all of my spare time to my kids, but one thing I miss is having any time for myself. I work full time and as soon as I walk through the door after work I take over with both kids, feeding them, bathing them and putting the youngest to bed while my partner gets my daughter sorted for bed. On weekends I watch both kids by myself and try to take them out of the house while my partner relaxes. One thing I have found, however, is I have absolutely no time for myself, meaning I very rarely relax and unwind on a weekend before heading back to work. I used to play sport every weekend, including football and rugby league. I am also a member of a local cycling club who ride every Sunday morning. Now my social life is zero! Am I being unreasonable by wanting a little time on weekends to enjoy these activities? Or simply having some kid free time outside of work? I find that I simply cannot leave the house without the kids, and if I plan anything I have to cancel as my partner doesn't want me to go. It can be very frustrating and get me incredibly down. I appreciate my partner needs a break too, but does that mean my hobbies must be completely put on hold? Am I in the wrong here?

GeneLovesJezebel · 05/03/2022 08:24

Your partner deserves as much child free time as you, so you both need to agree to how much and when.
You get your time, you facilitate her time, and you need family time together as well.

ProbateOfficeUseless · 05/03/2022 08:26

Do you have room to set up your bike on a turbo trainer (thinking something like the Wahoo Kickr) so you could use a cycling simulator like Zwift? You could use it in the evenings after the kids have gone to bed and I bet a fair few of your Sunday cycling club will be on there - you can arrange group meet-ups on it and chat to people while you ride.

It’s not a patch on riding outdoors but might be an acceptable compromise for a few months until the evenings get lighter?

stripeyflowers · 05/03/2022 08:26

Why was it decided you do all the weekend care?

RoseGoldEagle · 05/03/2022 08:27

Evenings are tough when you’ve had the kids all day, I know when DH comes home I’m desperate for a break (or certainly was at the time I has a 4 year old, 2 year old and baby at home all day). So even though he’d been at work all day (in a pretty stressful job, too), at that particular time I felt like my day of relentlessly looking after 3 little ones was so incredibly hard that I needed him to do baths etc in the evening. Now that my eldest is in school it’s a lot easier and we share evenings more. Weekends should be family time and with you both getting some child free time too. Only thing I’d add is that after having my third I was all over the place emotionally for a good six months or even a year and needed a lot of support, it wasn’t a case of a ‘fair 50/50 split’ at that time because I was really struggling. Thankfully DH is amazing and supported me through that, and now we’re back to sharing things more equally.

Phineyj · 05/03/2022 08:27

My husband was a keen cyclist before we had a DC and gave it all up and got very unfit. In my experience a lot of men haven't had to take the needs of others into account before children. It's just not on their radar. Some respond by being incredibly selfish (we see it on here all the time) and some (like my DH) panic and give everything up.

The important thing to recognise when you have DC is you can continue to exercise or do a hobby but it cannot be spontaneous and it will need to be time-efficient. A two hour bike ride on a weekend morning seems completely achievable and could be balanced by the mum doing a two hour thing another day (or an evening during the week -- the OP doesn't spell out how/if the child and housework happens during the week).

AlisonDonut · 05/03/2022 08:29

On weekends I watch both kids by myself and try to take them out of the house while my partner relaxes

Does she relax, or does she do housework, cooking, cleaning, washing clothes, drying clothes, shopping, prep for next week's school, and any number of other 'wifework' activities?

olympicsrock · 05/03/2022 08:30

You are in a very challenging time with the ages of your children. It’s completely right that you give DP a break from the children to feed and bath them ( sounds like about an hour ??) . She will either be doing jobs or slumped on a heap.
Team sports won’t work with young children and you probably don’t have time to go on a long organised bike ride but there is no reason why you couldn’t go for 2 hours with a mate once a weekend. Hopefully she can also have two hours once a week to do something for herself even if she just has the house to herself while you take them out.

Canhearthemice · 05/03/2022 08:33

Is you wife literally relaxing the whole weekend (reading, out, hobby, on phone, in bed etc) or is she catching up on housework? Very difficult to believe she does nothing at the weekend. How many hours are you talking about?

You need to discuss having equal amount of down time, if that is 3 hours cycling for you and for her, 3 hours uninterrupted reading in the bedroom then that would be fair.

olympicsrock · 05/03/2022 08:33

“Try” to take them out of the house. What does this mean ? Do you actually go out for a good chunk of time or just disappear for 30 mins and then return leaving a mass of coats bags and shoes everywhere .

gazprom · 05/03/2022 08:37

I run/do weights at home at 5am before I do a shift from 7am and on Saturdays I do a looong run and am back at 9ish and have a quick shower (not hours and then flomped on the sofa). Husband cycles Sunday (though cycling is a longer affair) but not with a club as that tied him to a specific time of day and a duration.

WFH I always wear running gear so can head out the door at any timwe and I have a special running vest/bag so can usually combine running back with picking up groceries/bits locally.

Running is good like that in that there isn't a whole lot of prep and hoo hah and can be done very early, very late, in lunch hours etc

Could even fit in a 20 minute weight session with dumbbells etc, though getting out of the house is a priority for me these days.

Boatingforthestars · 05/03/2022 08:38

I have a 4yr old and a 1.5yr old and manage to just about keep up with hobbies.

Breaking it down it sounds like your mrs doesn't work. So her having the kids whilst you working is her "job". This means that after work and weekends the time should be split equally. You shouldn't be coming in from work and doing it all, nor should she be the only one getting to "relax" all weekend. If that's what she wants to play then you should get a day each at the weekend, gives you plenty of times for hobbies.

Sounds like you have a wife problem not a time problem. For comparison I do a hobby every Sunday morning and Tuesday night. If I want to go cycling me and a few other dad friends meet up a couple of times a month for an evening ride.

You have time but just need to look at it, the kids will likely be in bed from 6.30-7 that gives you time in the evening, obviously its not fair for you to bugger off out every evening but aslong as she has the offer to equally go out than its fair.

gazprom · 05/03/2022 08:39

Besides, I tend not to think of exercise as a hobby, more of a daily routine thing.

My hobbies are more based at home (bass guitar, sewing and woodworking) so easy to pick up and put down.

KindlyKanga · 05/03/2022 08:39

@AlisonDonut

On weekends I watch both kids by myself and try to take them out of the house while my partner relaxes

Does she relax, or does she do housework, cooking, cleaning, washing clothes, drying clothes, shopping, prep for next week's school, and any number of other 'wifework' activities?

Yes. I mean if she's spending all day in bed relaxing then you have a point but otherwise what is she actually doing?

gazprom · 05/03/2022 08:41

I suspect she's doing house stuff/cooking. That's what I end up doing!

jytdtysrht · 05/03/2022 08:46

It very much depends on what is meant by “partner relaxes”. If you mean that you take the kids swimming and to the park on a Sunday morning whilst she cooks a meal for your return whilst doing loads of washing, cleaning, admin etc then that isn’t relaxing. What is she doing? She surely can’t just be laying on the sofa all weekend.

Generally with 2 small children, there is very little free time for either parent. You have to find something hobby wise that can be done quickly, efficiently and flexibly. So you wouldn’t go out with cycling friends for 5 hours and then have a pub meal with them. Instead you might run for 30–45 mins.

Pedallleur · 05/03/2022 08:47

You have to limit your time. That's it. It was in the small print you didn't read. If you are Mark Cavendish and your living comes from riding a bike it's different. Cycling is a selfish, time consuming hobby. I do it but don't do day long rides. Go swimming or time trialling. 1 hour each. Pick one thing and do that. If you can afford childcare e.g. a nanny you can go and do what you want but would you miss your children growing up for the sake of a few blokes kicking a ball around on Sat morning. Be glad your children aren't special needs. Then you would be 100% all in.

LucyLocketLostThePlot · 05/03/2022 08:49

You should both have the same amount of free time. Does your partner have any time to pursue hobbies?

Original poster

GreatJoey91 · 05/03/2022 08:53

So just to add some extra context and answer some of your questions:

My partner is a SAHM at the moment, at least while my youngest is not in any sort of childcare. My daughter is in nursery all weekday afternoons (12-3:15pm), but obviously with the youngest my partner is busy even while she attends school.

I take my kids out every weekend, usually both Saturday and Sunday for several hours. For example, I will visit grandparents for 4/5 hours or go to the park etc. I try to encourage my partner to rest and relax, but she tends to try catch up on housework while the house is quiet. That being said, that doesn't take up all her time, so she does get to sit on the sofa scrolling through her phone too.

I don't mind doing the evenings, as I know my partner is ready for a break after a long day with the kids. I normally tell her to go have a nice bath and chill while I sort things with the kids. I get home from work at around 5pm and when the youngest is in bed it's 8/8:15pm (we are trying to get this earlier), so around 3 hours.

I completely agree with the point around both having child free time, and I've tried to encourage my partner to find a hobby or activity to do for a few hours so she gets her own 'me time'. The problem I have is my partner doesn't have any hobbies (she's not into sports etc.) and suffers badly with anxiety so tends to keep busy cleaning/washing when she has spare time.

At present the only time I can go out on my bike on a weekend is if my daughter is with Grandma, otherwise I can't go.

I would love to have family time on a weekend, even just a trip together to the park, but my partner is tired from the week and has housework to do, so I do it solo to make sure the kids aren't just stuck inside all weekend.

OP posts:

OfstedOffred · 05/03/2022 08:54

When children are very young most parents hobbies do get fairly heavily curtailed tbh.

It doesnt mean doing nothing though, it usually means changing when you do things and for how long.

Or you can manage things with your partner so that you take both kids for the morning on saturday to allow her some kid free time and she takes sunday while you do your hobby.

You do have to accept though, that it's unlikely that you'll fit in as much as before, without leaving your partner doing too much on her own.

Petsop · 05/03/2022 08:55

Yep whilst kids are young it’s hard to have regular commitments. More like I’ll go to the gym for an hour this evening and he’ll go to the driving range for an hour early on sunday, you both enable each other to take the odd hour here and there

OfstedOffred · 05/03/2022 08:57

If the housework is something that it's a huge job for your partner to keep on top of, would a cleaner be a possibility?

Tbh though it sounds like the issues are more hers. Is she getting any help for the anxiety?

Don't put pressure on her to have "hobbies". If she wants to use her free time to scroll her phone (go on mumsnet) then that's fine. But she should be able to manage taking both kids for a little bit if you are also doing the same for her.

VelvetChairGirl · 05/03/2022 08:58

so what is she doing during the week? is she working?

give it a bit and your be able to take the kids to sports like all ages martial arts etc.

raspberryjamchicken · 05/03/2022 08:58

No it's not fair. I've been the Mum on maternity leave while DH worked full-time. Weekends were split between doing family things and both of us taking turns to look after the DC. It's a hard age but not unreasonable for you to have a couple of hours to do a hobby and her to have a couple of hours child-free to do something she enjoys (in my case it would probably have been to sleep!).

Howeverdoyouneedme · 05/03/2022 08:59

I didn’t really have hobbies when I had a breastfeeding 10 month old.

I think you need to divvy up the weekends. You get an afternoon, she gets an afternoon.

VelvetChairGirl · 05/03/2022 09:00

@GreatJoey91