Aibu to ask her to rehome the cat?

[Redheadedgrumpysaurus]

Name change for this one:

Can I please have advice/uggestions from mums who deal with step mums and vice versa:

My ex left me for another woman about 2.5 years ago. There is no evidence he cheated, but the lines feel very blurry. She wasn’t the sole blame. Ex and I weren’t a good fit anyway. He was actually not very kind/compromising and I actually feel quite bitter towards him about his behaviour towards me during the relationship and
Also for how difficult he has been to co-parent with (eg not sticking to agreed timescales / no shows..). He generally doesn’t like me and so has never been very considerate of me. Which has been quite a hard pill to swallow as OW seems to have had a very opposite experience.

Adding insult to injury, I moved to this country for my ex and am Incredibly isolated , no family. I’ve had legal advice and I am unlikely to get a ruling in my favour if tried to battle it out to move home to my country with kids. (Which is very obviously the only thing I want to do)

Anyway There is a quite a back story here but 6 months ago, Ow bought a house for ex to live in.. I always had a feeling that there was more to the story or some end game as it seemed a very generous offer. But ex was adamant he was just renting from her with no intentions of anything else. She has never met our children. And ex has so far respected my wishes to allow me to meet her first before she meets our children.
Though my second request which was to introduce the kids slowly over time. Eg let them build a friendship so any transition or change in the family dynamic was comfortable for the kids (and I guess for her too).

Anyway low and behold, her lease is now due to expire and so the natural progression is that she moves in with the ex. This is to take place in about two months. And so OW and ex are now pushing for me to meet her so that she can push forward with moving in and meeting kids. And so I have agreed to meet her for coffee in two weeks time.

breathe

Here is where I’m stuck.

On one hand - I’m really struggling with this. My ex has not been discreet with making any comparison between her and I. Which on top of many big hurts during our relationship, makes me feel pretty inferior, insignificant. My feelings are really hurt. And I can’t help but draw comparisons too … which make me feel bitter, jealous and insecure.

Further to that…. I’m not happy. I feel they always intended for this and that the truth has been drip fed. Which bothers me a lot. Ex only really has the kids
Every other weekend, and then most Monday nights, and every other Thursday night. But ow works down south so I presume she won’t travel back and forth during the week as we’re a 4 hour round trip away. So
I guess she will meet the kids just 4 times before moving in. Anyway if this was always the plan - I just don’t understand why they didn’t try to arrange for this sooner so that the kids had more time to adjust. Two months just doesn’t feel soon enough.
And as much as I hate to admit it, I am feeling really insecure about her developing a relationship
With my kids. Which I guess is natural.

But then on the other hand I know he has made a choice; it sounds like it’s for the long haul and so the best thing I can do for the kids is accept it, and play my part to make things easy for them.

So. Bloody hell.

How do I proceed with this?

What sorts of things do say / ask when we meet?

How involved should she be with my children?

Is it possible to build a good co-parenting relationship with the ow?

And How do I separate the anger and disappointment I feel towards him for things he did from any negative feelings I have about ow? (I know she isn’t too blame)

Aibu to ask her to not move in so quickly to give my kids more time to know her? (After all , she has worked with Ex for 5 years and they have dated for 2.5 years… if he and her didn’t move in together after just four dates.. why should my kids be put in that position?)

Also another random question..

DD is alergic to cats . Brings out terrible eczema; hayfever, asthma and generally makes her feel uncomfortable. Snotty nose, red bleary itchy eyes, raspy breathing and itchy throat. Ow has cats. Would it be unreasonable to ask that the cat be rehomed before she moves in with my ex? Or is this really over the top?

Any suggestions : advice welcome.

@Redheadedgrumpysaurus

I have cat allergies myself. I don’t find any antihistamines to be all that affective and it’s still quite uncomfortable to live with. Of course antihistamines are a great option every once in a while, but I wouldn’t be happy if someone told me to medicate daily to cope with living with an allergy on a day to day basis… and it’s not something I’d suggest to my children.

It isn't medicating daily though is it, unless they're going to live with them. You say you'll seek legal advice.. once you start on the refusing to give antihistamines and getting rid of the cats is the only option. Especially if you come across as you have in this thread. You'll find people giving you the side eye on your motives. Plus it seems to be last on your list of grievances re reading your OP. You're out for blood.

You can't totally control this situation though, expect pushback but try not to use your kids as a weapon when it happens.

You want to have a good relationship moving forward with her, asking her to get rid of her pet is not the way to start said 'good relationship'

@DysmalRadius

I am allergic to cats and have asthma and my consultant specified that I cannot live with a cat and there are no meds that will eliminate my symptoms . To tolerate a visit to a house where cats live I can take prescription antihistamines, limit the visit to a few hours and then shower when I get home, although I still often get itchy skin and need to double up on my asthma meds.

I'm surprised there are so many people on here that have serious allergies and cats because I have seen numerous specialists over the years who have been absolutely unequivocal about the long term health problems this can cause. Perhaps this is because of the addition of asthma, but since that's what the child in question has, I'm not surprised the op is concerned about the blasé attitude towards her daughter!!

If the child was having attacks regularly, despite antihistamines and stage 3 or 4 asthma meds, I'd agree with that.

She had one attack, after having no antihistamines, and crucially no routine preventer asthma medication, with the golden bullet being no rescue ventolin for more than 24 hours. Very different.

Like you, I've severe allergy issues/chronic brittle asthmatic and sadly am regularly hospitalised/ an inpatient, frequently for weeks on end. Yet, I know that I can go into a home with a cat to visit and have managed overnightwith the right medication.

In an ideal world, the op's child wouldn't live with a cat at all. That's easy if one didn't exist as part of the new girlfriend's household, but it does and expecting her to rehome it is going to most likely not be well received. Whereas if the cat died let's say and they got another, that would be less than ideal, "if" appropriate medication was being taken daily and the child was having asthma attacks.

@aloris

Antihistamines reduce itching and stuffy nose. They do not prevent asthma. Asthma is a serious medical condition that can be fatal. Breathing takes priority over owning cats.

But OP isn't willing to try her child on any kind of medication - she just wants the cats gone or she'll ban her daughter from going to the house.

It's just not realistic and all she'll do is destroy any chance of a decent co-parenting relationship with her ex.

Nobody is saying she can't be worried for her kids but if she goes in all guns blazing she won't get the results she thinks she will.

13 and 10

Jesus... I read this whole thread thinking you were talking about under 5s!! I thought you were being unreasonable then but at 13 and 10 you are being absolutely ridiculous.

All this fretting about needing to know the woman you're going to co-parent with - I barely did any "co-parenting" after about the age of ten because DD has a phone and is more than capable of speaking to her Dad herself! I send the occasional text to her stepmum, but that's more because DD has two younger sisters from each family and they get along well with each other. I can't remember the last time we discussed DD, maybe before Xmas to make sure she hadn't asked for the same gifts.

You've made a mountain out of a molehill with this. You need to step away from their lives and remove yourself from their business. Your children are 13 and 10 fgs, PERFECTLY capable of telling either Dad or you if they have any problems with his new partner.

I think you need to move on from them. Spend the time the kids are away starting hobbies or meeting friends or dating etc instead of clutching at straws (and cats) to involve yourself in his relationship.

@fghjk has it.

OP, have you asked your children about how they feel about this?

I'm a stepmother (not the OW, DH's ex actually left for another man) and I'm really sorry to be blunt OP but you don't get a say in this.

If DH hasn't been abusive to children then he has parental rights to his children and is able to introduce who he likes to them. He can also live where he likes. I know it's a hard pill to swallow but unless the DC are in danger what they do during his contact time is his decision, just as its yours when they are with you. As a SM I offered to meet the ex but she refused and has main Co parenting extremely difficult which has negatively impacted my DSC. The best thing you can do for the children is try to keep adult relations amicable. If his new partner is happy to meet and so are you, this is a good step. It shows she is being reasonable and respectful, many SMs would refuse to do this and be well within their rights. Sorry to be blunt, I know it hurts. just go along and have a chat, explain the issue about the cat and see what she says. Unfortunately, asking her to rehome them is unreasonable. But if you raise your concerns she may look for a solution. Good luck OP

@Redheadedgrumpysaurus

So ow chose to entertain a relationship with a married man. And then coupled up with him.. then bought a house for him to rent… now 6 months later she wants to move in with the cat as her lease is up. The kids were there first and should absolutely come first. She really ought to have gotten to know the kids, their health issues and needs before planting her feet firmly under the table. Of course ex should be communicating all of this, but he has shown his lack of thought and consideration. And that he doesn’t take the allergies seriously.

Surely it’s my responsibility as mum, to convey that to
ow and to ask to chat through options to find a way that kids can see Their dad as often as they are now without discomfort/being medicated?

And it’s not unreasonable to ask her to try getting to know the kids. It’s going to be a big adjustment for them to go from never having met her to suddenly living with her half of the time.

Entertain a relationship feet firmly under the table

Your hatred for this woman is so obvious. I think if it wasn't the cat then you'd find another reason to try and control your exes relationship with the kids as you're still bitter.

@Redheadedgrumpysaurus

I don’t think antihistamines are the answer for coping on a day to day basis. That’s not something I would consider as acceptable for my child.

DS had a friend for sleepovers who was allergic to cats and dogs we have both he had antihistamines for the sleepover. His partner is allergic to cats she takes antihistamines whenever they visit

Your child is going to run into stay with cat people so YABU

Hmmm. I refer to one incident and people assume that Dd has only ever had one attack. As I mentioned, the allergy is severe. The way most people here down play it , is quite strange
Would the responses be the same if DD were allergic to peanuts for example yet ex and Ow were wanting to put peanut oil on her plate? (Obviously that’s an extreme allergy but both affect breathing…so to me are just as serious)

The kids have both expressed that they do not want to live with Ow just yet. They want time to know her first. They also don’t want a cat. At 13 and 10, their opinions are relevant and should be considered.

I’m surprised at some of the comments.

Out of interest - who here stopped being involved in their own children lives as 10 and 13?

“Is the popular opinion to avoid the chat, skip straight to court.. block or control access legally rather than appeal to Ow and ex to work with me for dd’s health and comfort?”

Keep telling yourself that. Your contempt for other woman shines through.
Your destroying the relationship between father and child and looking for the odd poster to support that mindset.

I don’t think anyone is suggesting the child should be forced to suffer but this is OW house and not her ex’s. You don’t get to dictate what happens in another persons house for goodness sake. It’s up to her ex what happens in his time unless abuse is taking place.

What the OP wants is to cause as much trouble for the OW and her ex as possible. If it wasn’t the cat, it would be something else.

At 13 and 10, their opinions are relevant and should be considered….. erm no. Children do not get a say regarding pets.
Reverse it, child wants a dog or a cat - getting one are you? Their due a say aren’t they.

Probably listening to your incessant brain washing regarding OW of course they’ll have the same views. You will turn your children against their father. They may not thank you for that when they are older.

To be fair I don’t blame you in the slightest for hating her. I’d hate her too.

But because of the kids you can’t let that hatred blind you. You need to find a way to see past it.

The kids have both expressed that they do not want to live with Ow just yet. They want time to know her first.

They only reason they don't know her is because of you insisting that you meet her first, realistically they could have met her months ago. If I was their dad then I would have already introduced them.

As for hating OW… and this being obvious. I don’t hate her. I know she is not responsible for what my ex did. And if it wasn’t her; then it would have been someone else.

I just want to two things. 1. DD to not suffer 2. Both kids to feel happy with the pace in which she enters their lives.
Going from stranger to now living together is not at all ideal.

I know she will be mothering my children. As when I asked Ex why OW was the right one… he very clearly said it is because she can cook, and clean. And is nice…. So I’m fully aware that OW will be most likely doing all of the house work, feeding the kids and most likely parenting as ex has never been one to get involved with any of that.

@Redheadedgrumpysaurus

Hmmm. I refer to one incident and people assume that Dd has only ever had one attack. As I mentioned, the allergy is severe. The way most people here down play it , is quite strange Would the responses be the same if DD were allergic to peanuts for example yet ex and Ow were wanting to put peanut oil on her plate? (Obviously that’s an extreme allergy but both affect breathing…so to me are just as serious)

The kids have both expressed that they do not want to live with Ow just yet. They want time to know her first. They also don’t want a cat. At 13 and 10, their opinions are relevant and should be considered.

I’m surprised at some of the comments.

Out of interest - who here stopped being involved in their own children lives as 10 and 13?

Can’t you see how manipulative you are being? You are way out of order here. Their dad decides what’s best for the children under his care. That care doesn’t have to be perfect, it doesn’t have to be how you would do it, it just has to be adequate. If you don’t like how he parents, that’s tough shit. You say you are a “damn good mum”, but you are so wrong on this. You’re not a good mum at all and you refuse to listen, learn, grow, and you will - and probably have already - damage your relationship with your DC, never mind your ex. You only seize on the couple of posts that seem to agree with you.

I find it odd that you feel so adamant that she’ll be “mothering” your children.

There is no way I’d be doing any “mothering” of someone else’s child, especially at those ages. I’d be more like a friend to them.

Mothering is not just cooking and cleaning for them, as you’ll be well aware.

Ive never really understood the mentality on here that you can’t hate the other woman. I agree that the ex husband takes the lions share of the blame etc but someone who gets with a married man isn’t exactly a bastion of morality and kindness either.

You get no say in who your ex introduced the children. Too. In the same way he can't dictate to you who is In Your life.

He is as much a parent as you and can safe guarding the children from new people just like you do. You don't get to veto his decisions because you are their mother.

You need to step away from all of this. He will do his own sweet thing anyway and you are just getting more emotionally entangled.

They will figure it out. I assume your ex knows about your daughters allergies? She goes once's reacts and then can't go again. Let him figure it out. Stop solving his problems for him.

I think YABU to try to dictate what your ex does. He has been with his new partner for 2.5 years, it’s not like he’s moving her in after just a few months like so many do. It sounds like you are projecting a lot of your own insecurities and bad feelings about the split onto your kids which will not help in the long run.

My ex could have arranged the meeting which is fully supports much sooner… he has done nothing to facilitate the kids getting to know her. That’s on him, not me.

I don’t actually say anything negative to the kids. I just asked them How do they feel about ow moving in at dads house. It was the kids who said they didn’t want it that way ; that they wanted to take things slow. And they spoke about the cat being an issue themselves.

I've never seen a more unreasonable thread.

It’s one thing to vent here and raise my concerns here… a website that my kids don’t ready.

It’s entirely not something I talk much to the kids about.

Why is OP getting such a hard time?

She is trying to keep her daughter safe and people bang on about how important their animals are. But they are just animals not children. Children's safety has to come first.

OP is right to say her DD cannot stay at the house if the cat is there. It's up to OW whether or not to rehome it - as long as the ex realise that DD will not be staying in a house where a cat lives.

DS1 is very allergic to cats and the allergy has got worse the older he got. He's an adult now and recently had to be admitted to hospital because his epi pen didn't do the trick.

People die from asthma, including my cousin. Don't minimise OP's concern.

@Redheadedgrumpysaurus

Hmmm. I refer to one incident and people assume that Dd has only ever had one attack. As I mentioned, the allergy is severe. The way most people here down play it , is quite strange Would the responses be the same if DD were allergic to peanuts for example yet ex and Ow were wanting to put peanut oil on her plate? (Obviously that’s an extreme allergy but both affect breathing…so to me are just as serious)

The kids have both expressed that they do not want to live with Ow just yet. They want time to know her first. They also don’t want a cat. At 13 and 10, their opinions are relevant and should be considered.

I’m surprised at some of the comments.

Out of interest - who here stopped being involved in their own children lives as 10 and 13?

IF the allergy was so severe, she would need to be on daily medication, that's the reality.

So, either you're over exaggerating the extent of the to point score or you're not administering the medication.

If the allergy was so severe, as I said before, she'd not be able to be around people with cat fur on I their clothes at school, in public etc, when a cat passes on the streets etc. This is obviously not the case, given you seem to have some major hangups about antihistamines which are the basic first treatments for such allergies.

@AndAsIfByMagic

Why is OP getting such a hard time?

She is trying to keep her daughter safe and people bang on about how important their animals are. But they are just animals not children. Children's safety has to come first.

OP is right to say her DD cannot stay at the house if the cat is there. It's up to OW whether or not to rehome it - as long as the ex realise that DD will not be staying in a house where a cat lives.

DS1 is very allergic to cats and the allergy has got worse the older he got. He's an adult now and recently had to be admitted to hospital because his epi pen didn't do the trick.

People die from asthma, including my cousin. Don't minimise OP's concern.

And the op's child doesn't have an epipen. She won't even give her antihistamines. As I said long ago, 3 people die from ast3a day and many of these were preventable I'd the appropriate medications were being taken consistently. This is not the approach that the op favours.