Aibu to ask her to rehome the cat?

[Redheadedgrumpysaurus]

Name change for this one:

Can I please have advice/uggestions from mums who deal with step mums and vice versa:

My ex left me for another woman about 2.5 years ago. There is no evidence he cheated, but the lines feel very blurry. She wasn’t the sole blame. Ex and I weren’t a good fit anyway. He was actually not very kind/compromising and I actually feel quite bitter towards him about his behaviour towards me during the relationship and
Also for how difficult he has been to co-parent with (eg not sticking to agreed timescales / no shows..). He generally doesn’t like me and so has never been very considerate of me. Which has been quite a hard pill to swallow as OW seems to have had a very opposite experience.

Adding insult to injury, I moved to this country for my ex and am Incredibly isolated , no family. I’ve had legal advice and I am unlikely to get a ruling in my favour if tried to battle it out to move home to my country with kids. (Which is very obviously the only thing I want to do)

Anyway There is a quite a back story here but 6 months ago, Ow bought a house for ex to live in.. I always had a feeling that there was more to the story or some end game as it seemed a very generous offer. But ex was adamant he was just renting from her with no intentions of anything else. She has never met our children. And ex has so far respected my wishes to allow me to meet her first before she meets our children.
Though my second request which was to introduce the kids slowly over time. Eg let them build a friendship so any transition or change in the family dynamic was comfortable for the kids (and I guess for her too).

Anyway low and behold, her lease is now due to expire and so the natural progression is that she moves in with the ex. This is to take place in about two months. And so OW and ex are now pushing for me to meet her so that she can push forward with moving in and meeting kids. And so I have agreed to meet her for coffee in two weeks time.

breathe

Here is where I’m stuck.

On one hand - I’m really struggling with this. My ex has not been discreet with making any comparison between her and I. Which on top of many big hurts during our relationship, makes me feel pretty inferior, insignificant. My feelings are really hurt. And I can’t help but draw comparisons too … which make me feel bitter, jealous and insecure.

Further to that…. I’m not happy. I feel they always intended for this and that the truth has been drip fed. Which bothers me a lot. Ex only really has the kids
Every other weekend, and then most Monday nights, and every other Thursday night. But ow works down south so I presume she won’t travel back and forth during the week as we’re a 4 hour round trip away. So
I guess she will meet the kids just 4 times before moving in. Anyway if this was always the plan - I just don’t understand why they didn’t try to arrange for this sooner so that the kids had more time to adjust. Two months just doesn’t feel soon enough.
And as much as I hate to admit it, I am feeling really insecure about her developing a relationship
With my kids. Which I guess is natural.

But then on the other hand I know he has made a choice; it sounds like it’s for the long haul and so the best thing I can do for the kids is accept it, and play my part to make things easy for them.

So. Bloody hell.

How do I proceed with this?

What sorts of things do say / ask when we meet?

How involved should she be with my children?

Is it possible to build a good co-parenting relationship with the ow?

And How do I separate the anger and disappointment I feel towards him for things he did from any negative feelings I have about ow? (I know she isn’t too blame)

Aibu to ask her to not move in so quickly to give my kids more time to know her? (After all , she has worked with Ex for 5 years and they have dated for 2.5 years… if he and her didn’t move in together after just four dates.. why should my kids be put in that position?)

Also another random question..

DD is alergic to cats . Brings out terrible eczema; hayfever, asthma and generally makes her feel uncomfortable. Snotty nose, red bleary itchy eyes, raspy breathing and itchy throat. Ow has cats. Would it be unreasonable to ask that the cat be rehomed before she moves in with my ex? Or is this really over the top?

Any suggestions : advice welcome.

@Redheadedgrumpysaurus

So ow chose to entertain a relationship with a married man. And then coupled up with him.. then bought a house for him to rent… now 6 months later she wants to move in with the cat as her lease is up. The kids were there first and should absolutely come first. She really ought to have gotten to know the kids, their health issues and needs before planting her feet firmly under the table. Of course ex should be communicating all of this, but he has shown his lack of thought and consideration. And that he doesn’t take the allergies seriously.

Surely it’s my responsibility as mum, to convey that to
ow and to ask to chat through options to find a way that kids can see Their dad as often as they are now without discomfort/being medicated?

And it’s not unreasonable to ask her to try getting to know the kids. It’s going to be a big adjustment for them to go from never having met her to suddenly living with her half of the time.

No. She can be in a relationship with him and not be overly involved with the kids. She doesn't have to do or really overly care about them. She should be kind when interacting but that's it.

I fully expect ex to prioritise the kids.. unfortunately he keeps demonstrating that he can’t / won’t.

I’m a few years time the kids will be old enough to
Elect where they want to be.:: but for now, I still have to try to make sure ex does put them first.

Sorry op, but you're just going round in circles.

YABU to ask her to rehome the cat if you want them to have a good relationship.

Op:- is this wrong of me to say?
Everyone :- yes!!
Op:- no I'm not 😳😳

Well some posters haven’t actually read what I have written and accused me of doing things I haven’t or planning do things that I haven’t said.. so I’ve had to continually reply, reiterating, clarifying or clearing up confusions/mis-assumptions.

You need to take the Ow out of the allergy scenario entirely. Your dd has an allergy to cats. She should not be living with cats. As a parent, her father has a responsibility to provide his child with a safe, allergen free home. You just need to remind him of this. If he pushes back, then I would ask your daughter’s doctor if it is acceptable for her to live in a home with a cat/multiple cats. If it is not, then you need to be prepared to take the issue to court.

Thanks Blossom. The allergy is well documented. I will
Seek legal advice. Though I had hoped that we could avoid that as going to mediation / court should
Be the last resort if we as adults can’t agree.

Is the popular opinion to avoid the chat, skip straight to court.. block or control access legally rather than appeal to Ow and ex to work with me for dd’s health and comfort?

I don’t think anyone is saying it’s not a last resort. No one is saying don’t raise it with them. But you absolutely cannot ask or expect her to give the cat up. You can’t go there.

I think by all means go to court if your daughter is struggling and your ex is refusing to do anything about it. But you’re not there yet.

I think it’s pretty awful to ask her to dump her cats. YABU. Ask your ex and his new GF to invest in a good quality HEPA filter that can be run to eliminate dander while your daughter is visiting.

There are many ways to deal with this that are not as OTT as asking someone to abandon a much loved pet. You sound like you are bitter and want to inflict pain on her, IMO.

If you block your child's access to their parent and end up in court on the basis that your ex's partner has cats (who haven't even moved in yet and have so far caused your child zero problems) you'll look vindictive.

You cannot deny contact on the basis of a hypothetical situation and your own resentment.

You sound dreadfully controlling. If she doesn’t get rid of the cat, you’ll threaten him with court and block access?

You need to let it go. You can’t control what happens in their house.

OK...done here.
Courts getting involved..legal advice?
Absolutely ridiculous.
I can't imagine you will like her..she stole your husband away from you. But will say it's about the damn cat. Jesus..
I have a dog allergy..and have 3 dogs. I handle it well with Medication.

@VodselForDinner

You sound dreadfully controlling. If she doesn’t get rid of the cat, you’ll threaten him with court and block access?

You need to let it go. You can’t control what happens in their house.

YEP...100% agree.

I think you need a consultant's medical report with advice on how to deal with the allergy. You may well have to go private. You will then have the expert advice on what is best for the child and which can be shared with the Ex. If he ignores it,you will have grounds to stop contact. At 45 % residence, if antihistamines are the answer, DD may well have to take them every day whether she is at her father's or not.

Court is absolutely a last resort.

You don’t ask anything of the OW though. You only talk to your ex about his need to provide his child an allergen free environment. It is up to him to figure out that means ow can’t move her cats into the house

The difference is Piper, that you are an adult and you have chosen to have dogs and deal with medication g the allergy. This is your choice.

Irrespective of the Ow, my kids didn’t choose to have a kid in spite of allergies. And if given the choice, I know the kids wouldn’t choose to have a cat. DD hates her allergies and how uncomfortable it can be during an flare up.

It’s not about controlling their home or anything of the sort. It’s about asking the other adults (father) and ow who is inserting herself into the kids lives to work with me to manage the allergies.

Not dealing with cats is the most obvious option.

Sorry meant to say kids didn’t choose to have Cat in spite of their allergies

I've read the thread in it's entirety so please don't assume that I misunderstand.

You are being completely irrational and unreasonable. It's up to him how he introduces his girlfriend, when he introduces his girlfriend, and when they move in together. A friendly relationship between the two of you might be helpful long-term but your bitterness and clear anger are barriers to this. I would not be meeting you in this situation. I feel that you have put up barriers to meeting her by asking her to do all the running.

In his time with the children it is his responsibility what he does with them and who he sees. It is up to him how he manages the cat situation, and if he tries to manage it with antihistamines.

Is the popular opinion to avoid the chat, skip straight to court.. block or control access legally rather than appeal to Ow and ex to work with me for dd’s health and comfort?

No the popular opinion is that you stop being so controlling, and frankly left the girlfriend/cat situation be managed by him.

Of course if you really want to go to court, for two older children, to prevent them seeing their fathers long-term girlfriend for no justifiable reason, and to try the force the rehoming a cat, before even and antihistamine is tried, crack on. I suspect you will be told what you're told here, that you're being unreasonable and to mind your own business. You have also destroyed any chance of a amicable relationship.

As a side point, he is not being dishonest, or trying to pull the wool over your eyes, by her buying the house. It's none of your business if she intended to move in eventually.

That should read, if you go to court you will have destroyed any chance of an amicable relationship.

I hope "OW" isn't reading this. If she is OP's ex will right now be coughing the dust up from her bolting for the hills.

Antihistamines reduce itching and stuffy nose. They do not prevent asthma. Asthma is a serious medical condition that can be fatal. Breathing takes priority over owning cats.

I think a lot of heartache will be saved in the long run if you accept now that you have no say in how your ex parents in the time he has the dc.

You don't get to meet his new partner. You don't get to decide when he introduces the dc to his partner. You don't get to dictate their choices around pets. You don't get to decide which medication he gives the dc. You just don't get a say!

The bar for you getting involved is if abuse is taking place. He is allowed to engage in "not ideal parenting".

@aloris thank you. I think you actually understand my point

I am allergic to cats and have asthma and my consultant specified that I cannot live with a cat and there are no meds that will eliminate my symptoms . To tolerate a visit to a house where cats live I can take prescription antihistamines, limit the visit to a few hours and then shower when I get home, although I still often get itchy skin and need to double up on my asthma meds.

I'm surprised there are so many people on here that have serious allergies and cats because I have seen numerous specialists over the years who have been absolutely unequivocal about the long term health problems this can cause. Perhaps this is because of the addition of asthma, but since that's what the child in question has, I'm not surprised the op is concerned about the blasé attitude towards her daughter!!

That is the perspective I was taking. I have a family member with a cat allergy and asthma. For her to enter my home we have to lock up the cats for a few days, do a deep clean, she has to load up on heavy duty meds, and can only stay a couple of hours. It just makes sense to meet elsewhere.

My own child has asthma and other environmental allergies. We don’t get quizzed at every visit anymore, but in the early years, every time we saw her specialist we would get asked if we were ever exposing her to anything she was allergic to including making sure we don’t open the windows on high pollen days.

I think a lot of the time people think pet allergy means your nose might occasionally be a bit itchy, not frequent trips to a&e because you can’t breathe.