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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to ask her to rehome the cat?

354 replies

Redheadedgrumpysaurus · 04/03/2022 20:23

Name change for this one:

Can I please have advice/uggestions from mums who deal with step mums and vice versa:

My ex left me for another woman about 2.5 years ago. There is no evidence he cheated, but the lines feel very blurry. She wasn’t the sole blame. Ex and I weren’t a good fit anyway. He was actually not very kind/compromising and I actually feel quite bitter towards him about his behaviour towards me during the relationship and
Also for how difficult he has been to co-parent with (eg not sticking to agreed timescales / no shows..). He generally doesn’t like me and so has never been very considerate of me. Which has been quite a hard pill to swallow as OW seems to have had a very opposite experience.

Adding insult to injury, I moved to this country for my ex and am Incredibly isolated , no family. I’ve had legal advice and I am unlikely to get a ruling in my favour if tried to battle it out to move home to my country with kids. (Which is very obviously the only thing I want to do)

Anyway There is a quite a back story here but 6 months ago, Ow bought a house for ex to live in.. I always had a feeling that there was more to the story or some end game as it seemed a very generous offer. But ex was adamant he was just renting from her with no intentions of anything else. She has never met our children. And ex has so far respected my wishes to allow me to meet her first before she meets our children.
Though my second request which was to introduce the kids slowly over time. Eg let them build a friendship so any transition or change in the family dynamic was comfortable for the kids (and I guess for her too).

Anyway low and behold, her lease is now due to expire and so the natural progression is that she moves in with the ex. This is to take place in about two months. And so OW and ex are now pushing for me to meet her so that she can push forward with moving in and meeting kids. And so I have agreed to meet her for coffee in two weeks time.

breathe

Here is where I’m stuck.

On one hand - I’m really struggling with this. My ex has not been discreet with making any comparison between her and I. Which on top of many big hurts during our relationship, makes me feel pretty inferior, insignificant. My feelings are really hurt. And I can’t help but draw comparisons too … which make me feel bitter, jealous and insecure.

Further to that…. I’m not happy. I feel they always intended for this and that the truth has been drip fed. Which bothers me a lot. Ex only really has the kids
Every other weekend, and then most Monday nights, and every other Thursday night. But ow works down south so I presume she won’t travel back and forth during the week as we’re a 4 hour round trip away. So
I guess she will meet the kids just 4 times before moving in. Anyway if this was always the plan - I just don’t understand why they didn’t try to arrange for this sooner so that the kids had more time to adjust. Two months just doesn’t feel soon enough.
And as much as I hate to admit it, I am feeling really insecure about her developing a relationship
With my kids. Which I guess is natural.

But then on the other hand I know he has made a choice; it sounds like it’s for the long haul and so the best thing I can do for the kids is accept it, and play my part to make things easy for them.

So. Bloody hell.

How do I proceed with this?

What sorts of things do say / ask when we meet?

How involved should she be with my children?

Is it possible to build a good co-parenting relationship with the ow?

And How do I separate the anger and disappointment I feel towards him for things he did from any negative feelings I have about ow? (I know she isn’t too blame)

Aibu to ask her to not move in so quickly to give my kids more time to know her? (After all , she has worked with Ex for 5 years and they have dated for 2.5 years… if he and her didn’t move in together after just four dates.. why should my kids be put in that position?)

Also another random question..

DD is alergic to cats . Brings out terrible eczema; hayfever, asthma and generally makes her feel uncomfortable. Snotty nose, red bleary itchy eyes, raspy breathing and itchy throat. Ow has cats. Would it be unreasonable to ask that the cat be rehomed before she moves in with my ex? Or is this really over the top?

Any suggestions : advice welcome.

OP posts:
Woollystockings · 04/03/2022 23:18

Why do you keep going on about what happened in the past? It’s irrelevant. Your children are older now. If you really think your ex is neglectful or abusive, then you will have to take him to court.

Original poster
Redheadedgrumpysaurus · 04/03/2022 23:20

Of course we keep them in home in the event a flare up arises. I’d say I’m a damn good mum and do my best to handle the allergies and the meds.

Unfortunately I can’t say the same for ex. Hence the concern.

OP posts:
Woollystockings · 04/03/2022 23:21

My fear is that will change if ow moves in with the cats

Your fear. Nothing to do with the ex, the ow, the DC. Let it go.

Original poster
Redheadedgrumpysaurus · 04/03/2022 23:23

Lol because the past is bloody recent and it’s natural to use your past experiences and knowledge to assess what is risky … and even more so when they affects your kids?

OP posts:
DeadButDelicious · 04/03/2022 23:24

@Redheadedgrumpysaurus

And Presently we do not own cats. Ex and his family do not have cats. There is no need to be using antihistamines currently as she isn’t around cats all that often for flare ups to be a regular thing.

My fear is that will change if ow moves in with the cats.

What's the issue with antihistamines OP? You seem very reluctant to have her take something that will make her life a little easier. Things change, as you well know and a cat is about to become a part of her life, why wouldn't you use a medicine that will make that easier for her? What do you think is going to happen?
FangsForTheMemory · 04/03/2022 23:25

Is it one cat or more than one? You keep changing what you write. Realistically your DD can't be in a space where a cat has been. Either the cat(s) get rehomed, they live in a cat house in the garden or your DD doesn't stay overnight with your ex. I think the last option is the most likely, unless you think the OW will voluntarily find somewhere else to live.

DomesticatedZombie · 04/03/2022 23:25

@Redheadedgrumpysaurus

Thanks woolystockings … not meeting ow is not an Option. She is a stranger to my children and also to me. I would really like to know who is going to be mothering my children in my absence.

Plus if it’s a forever type deal then my children have lots of future events like birthdays, xmases, Easter’s, graduations, weddings ,having their babies etc surely it’s better that all parents can get along, co-parent and be equally present in the kids lives? Meeting and becoming friendly acquaintances seems like a good step forward?

She won't be 'mothering' your children. Even a great relationship with a stepmum is not ever the same.
Woollystockings · 04/03/2022 23:25

It’s not your place to decide what is risky, though, when the DC are at their dad’s. There’s nothing at all for you to assess.

DomesticatedZombie · 04/03/2022 23:26

Also, antihistamines are quite strong medecine. I wouldn't force my child to take them when other options were available.

Original poster
Redheadedgrumpysaurus · 04/03/2022 23:27

As far as I know it’s one. And inside cat. But when I wrote ‘cats’ I’m speaking generally

I’m not against antihistamines , the kids are not living my with wait cat. If it’s avoidable and the kids don’t have to feel discomfort then I’d like to chat through options.

OP posts:
Original poster
Redheadedgrumpysaurus · 04/03/2022 23:29

Thanks domesticated.. that is my point exactly.

OP posts:
Woollystockings · 04/03/2022 23:30

then I’d like to chat through options.

Then chat through those options with their dad. As long as you realise that what you’d like isn’t relevant - because the dad can decide whatever he likes, and he doesn’t have to consult you.

grapewines · 04/03/2022 23:32

Also, antihistamines are quite strong medecine. I wouldn't force my child to take them when other options were available.

What other options? Telling a stranger to rehome her cats? It's not reasonable.

DomesticatedZombie · 04/03/2022 23:33

I don't think it's reasonable to send a child somewhere that is going to cause her health problems.

Beamur · 04/03/2022 23:33

If the other option is rehoming, that's not particularly realistic though. You obviously have no understanding of the attachment and responsibilities of pet ownership.
Yes, your children need to be safe and well but the first option is not getting rid of the cat.

BoredZelda · 04/03/2022 23:34

I think your feelings of hurt are understandable but you are not part if his family any more and you don't get a say it his living arrangements.

But she does get a say in not sending her cat allergic kid to a home with cats.

Take out all the extraneous detail in the OP and that’s what the issue is here.

DomesticatedZombie · 04/03/2022 23:34

But she does get a say in not sending her cat allergic kid to a home with cats.

Yep.

ChoiceMummy · 04/03/2022 23:35

@DomesticatedZombie

Also, antihistamines are quite strong medecine. I wouldn't force my child to take them when other options were available.
You give calpol to your child I assume when appropriate. Antihistamines are also otc. Imo, no different, except cannot overdose with the same consequences.

Why do you suggest they're "quite strong"? Child doses aren't proportionately any stronger than adults. If you suffer side effects like sleepiness change to a different type.

Mucky1 · 04/03/2022 23:39

What makes you think she wants to mother your children?
Why would she want to go to lunch for you and days out? You sound like a bit of a nightmare to be honest you're trying to force a friendship instead of trying to let it happen naturally if at all.
The children are when with your ex his concern and as hard as that be be for you to deal with you will have to.
You need to trust him to look after them and make sure they're happy in his house you can't do that unless there's a proven record of him failing to do so.

SilverCatStripes · 04/03/2022 23:40

Why are you so frightened of antihistamines OP?

I know it sounds dramatic but they genuinely can change the quality of life for allergy sufferers- they aren’t addictive, and they don’t have any debilitating side effects so it makes no sense why you would want to limit their use for your DD.

VodselForDinner · 04/03/2022 23:40

You seem to be expecting this woman to prioritise your children more highly than you expect your ex to.

Original poster
Redheadedgrumpysaurus · 04/03/2022 23:40

So ow chose to entertain a relationship with a married man. And then coupled up with him.. then bought a house for him to rent… now 6 months later she wants to move in with the cat as her lease is up.
The kids were there first and should absolutely come first. She really ought to have gotten to know the kids, their health issues and needs before planting her feet firmly under the table.
Of course ex should be communicating all of this, but he has shown his lack of thought and consideration. And that he doesn’t take the allergies seriously.

Surely it’s my responsibility as mum, to convey that to
ow and to ask to chat through options to find a way that kids can see Their dad as often as they are now without discomfort/being medicated?

And it’s not unreasonable to ask her to try getting to know the kids. It’s going to be a big adjustment for them to go from never having met her to suddenly living with her half of the time.

OP posts:
ChoiceMummy · 04/03/2022 23:43

@Redheadedgrumpysaurus

So ow chose to entertain a relationship with a married man. And then coupled up with him.. then bought a house for him to rent… now 6 months later she wants to move in with the cat as her lease is up. The kids were there first and should absolutely come first. She really ought to have gotten to know the kids, their health issues and needs before planting her feet firmly under the table. Of course ex should be communicating all of this, but he has shown his lack of thought and consideration. And that he doesn’t take the allergies seriously.

Surely it’s my responsibility as mum, to convey that to
ow and to ask to chat through options to find a way that kids can see Their dad as often as they are now without discomfort/being medicated?

And it’s not unreasonable to ask her to try getting to know the kids. It’s going to be a big adjustment for them to go from never having met her to suddenly living with her half of the time.

None of that is an appropriate conversation to have with her.
Original poster
Redheadedgrumpysaurus · 04/03/2022 23:44

Wtf?

I suggested one meet with ow before she meets kids .which ow and ex are on board with.

The days out and lunches out would be for ex, kids and her… so they build a friendship/relationship before all living together. So it’s not a sudden big change to go from stranger to step mum ..
I would have no involvement and not be present. Not would I want to be.

And yes. I have no real trust in ex. Past and current behaviours have cemented that. His word isn’t worth much at all.

OP posts:
ParalysisByAnalysis · 04/03/2022 23:44

🤦🏻‍♀️

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