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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say no fucking way.

529 replies

Rosebel · 04/03/2022 18:07

My DD is 15 and she has a boyfriend who is 16. He used to live near but moved to London with his dad.
His dad has kicked him out and he's asked to come and stay with us. Initially I thought this was a one night thing but after talking to him it sounds like he wants to stay until he sorts something out.
In reality I don't want him staying for one night let alone temporarily. However I feel bad leaving a 16 year old alone without his parents.
I'm surely not unreasonable to say no am I?

OP posts:
OnaBegonia · 04/03/2022 19:31

I always have to laugh at the 'he must be in an education setting' no he mustn't!
Plenty of kids are kicked out of home, are out of education, I find it hard to fathom ppl so cut off from any other lifestyle than their own.
I'd let him stay and help him get support as obviously his parents won't help, I've done it for one of my DC friends.

Original poster
Rosebel · 04/03/2022 19:33

He is paying for the hotel from training course money but is running out of money. There is a lot of the story I haven't posted for example dad reported him missing. Police traced him almost straight away and his dad then said he didn't want him back home.
Surely he wouldn't have reported him missing and then said you can't come home?
I feel so terrible.

OP posts:
AlternativePerspective · 04/03/2022 19:35

The more you post about him the more trouble he sounds.

How does your DD know him?

Viviennemary · 04/03/2022 19:35

Absolutely not. You might be stuck with him for ages.

DariaMorgendorffer · 04/03/2022 19:36

Cannot believe the attitude of some posters! Do not let him move in. Your dd told you he's 'furious'? How many red flags do you need. She's a child and he's a stranger. Your duty is to keep her safe. Maybe he's a lovely guy, but if he is not in any way, your daughter has no space from him.

Choccy21 · 04/03/2022 19:36

Your daughter is 15, not even old enough for sex. She should be focusing on her exams, school and friends and not a serious relationship.
He moved 100 miles away, for whatever reason with his dad.
He sounds like he cane from a troubled home, that’s sad but not your problem.

It’s certainly doesn’t sit well with me having a 16 year old boy moving into my family home with my 15 year old daughter.
What if they have sex? Get pregnant? Ok it most likely wont happen, but there’s a chance it could.

Your daughter isn’t old enough to understand the situation, but you’re an adult and her mother. She’s your priority. And it’s your family home.
Do you have a DH or partner? What’s his opinion?
Either way I’d be putting my foot down.

me4real · 04/03/2022 19:38

Surely he wouldn't have reported him missing and then said you can't come home?

@Rosebel He might not want him home as he's caused trouble there or something, buut still wanted to check that he's ok.

But I think you need to speak to the parents if you're considering taking him in, so you can have more of an idea what's really going on. Maybe he's been aggro at home or something, in which case you'll have all the more reason for him not to stay.

If you're not going to let him stay (you'd be wise not to) then you don't need the details of that of course.

Theyulelog · 04/03/2022 19:39

To all those saying that hostels etc are unpleasant and op should let him stay…why should she suddenly step up and be responsible for this? Why should she be made to feel bad in her own home? This is on the boys parents. The parents are at fault.

Op has a 15 year old and younger children to care for. She has no desire to have a teenage boy staying in her home, on eggshells all the time having a 16 year old boy constantly around her 15 year old daughter!

tkwal · 04/03/2022 19:39

You aren't being unreasonable at all. You should contact Social Services and get advice/help from them. You don't want your DD having a de facto live in bf at her age

girlmom21 · 04/03/2022 19:40

Surely he wouldn't have reported him missing and then said you can't come home?

He probably wanted to know he's safe and the authorities are aware he needs help.

Marmelace · 04/03/2022 19:40

By the sounds of him, I'd want my daughter as far away from him as possible. Did he get kicked out because of anger issues by any chance?

Stompythedinosaur · 04/03/2022 19:43

You should contact SS. His needs are not just about accommodation. He is a child who is entitled to support from an adult. If his parents have abandoned him, he will become a child in need woth an allocated social worker.

You need to ring whether or not he wants this.

EmpressCixi · 04/03/2022 19:43

Unless he is trouble, I would allow him to stay the weekend and ring SS Monday morning. I did take in a 16yo who was homeless for a few months. I knew them as they babysat my kids. They were kicked out by their mum, moved to be with their dad (which is when they started to work for me) who then kicked them out too. They’d not done anything wrong, the parents had simply split up, had new partners and new children and didn’t want them around. We enrolled them in the local school and they helped out round the house, went to school while we worked with SS to place them. They then moved to foster care. This allowed them to keep their life on track. Otherwise they would have literally been sleeping rough on the streets which is very very dangerous and probably never have sat their GCSEs and such. They are successful now and I think we did the right thing by offering a helping hand.

MrsSchrute · 04/03/2022 19:44

@Theyulelog

To all those saying that hostels etc are unpleasant and op should let him stay…why should she suddenly step up and be responsible for this? Why should she be made to feel bad in her own home? This is on the boys parents. The parents are at fault.

Op has a 15 year old and younger children to care for. She has no desire to have a teenage boy staying in her home, on eggshells all the time having a 16 year old boy constantly around her 15 year old daughter!

It is absolutely on the boys parents. However that doesn't do anything to solve the current situation, does it? They're not going to step up, so that fact that they are totally to blame is irrelevant. A lot of homeless hostels aren't just unpleasant, they're dangerous, full of drug users, alcoholics and people with serious and untreated mental health issues. A lot of the long term homeless people I know would rather sleep rough than stay in a hostel. If the OP doesn't want to help him, then she is not obliged to. But there are no good options for him otherwise.
HoneyItIsntGoodLuck · 04/03/2022 19:44

People making the OP feel bad for prioritising the well-being of her own 15YO daughter need to take a long, hard look in the mirror. Seriously not OK.

MrsSchrute · 04/03/2022 19:45

@EmpressCixi

Unless he is trouble, I would allow him to stay the weekend and ring SS Monday morning. I did take in a 16yo who was homeless for a few months. I knew them as they babysat my kids. They were kicked out by their mum, moved to be with their dad (which is when they started to work for me) who then kicked them out too. They’d not done anything wrong, the parents had simply split up, had new partners and new children and didn’t want them around. We enrolled them in the local school and they helped out round the house, went to school while we worked with SS to place them. They then moved to foster care. This allowed them to keep their life on track. Otherwise they would have literally been sleeping rough on the streets which is very very dangerous and probably never have sat their GCSEs and such. They are successful now and I think we did the right thing by offering a helping hand.
This is amazing. Your act of kindness literally changed the entire course of their life.
caringcarer · 04/03/2022 19:45

We don't know the child. Is he a good respectful kid or not? If he was a good kid I would ask him what he is going to do about education/job whatever he does and then chat about his family position. But if I felt it could be resolved in a couple of weeks I would let him stay for time being but talk to his Dad/Mum first.

Bromse · 04/03/2022 19:46

No, it would not be right for him to stay with you. He and your daughter are still kids, if he was living at 'her' house it would put pressure on them to be a couple when they may break up in no time.

I'd put out feelers for suitable lodgings for the boy and probably let him stay a couple of nights until he is sorted but, honestly, it is up to his parents to help him. What kind of a father chucks their sixteen year old out? On the other hand, he may have behaved very badly or is telling you a tale. You don't know someone until you live with them. Be careful.

Original poster
Rosebel · 04/03/2022 19:48

Not sure. His dad isn't responding to my calls but I've left a message.
He wouldn't b5in her room as she shares with her sister but obviously she could come downstairs.
He isn't a stranger as he used to live in the local area but then moved.
However I'm going to say no but offer support as I feel thats best. As I said in 8 days he'd have to be out regardless.

OP posts:
BurntO · 04/03/2022 19:48

100% no. It’s FAR too much for your DD to handle regardless of what she probably thinks she wants. He will not leave. He needs to sort this out with his parents or other family.

HoneyItIsntGoodLuck · 04/03/2022 19:49

However I'm going to say no but offer support as I feel thats best.

Absolutely this. There are ways to help that won’t be to the detriment of your own DD’s wellbeing.

Theyulelog · 04/03/2022 19:51

@MrsSchrute I don’t disagree with you that hostels are horrible places but the op has her daughter to think about and her younger children.
The boy only has his parents to blame if he ends up in a hostel. He needs to go back home and sort out his education as well. He will be affecting the ops daughters education too - she won’t be thinking straight.
Op isn’t a foster carer and shouldn’t feel bad for what happens to the boy. He’s clearly vulnerable but he’s going to be taking the dd down with him. Both too young for a serious relationship.
He doesn’t sound like he’s going to be good for her, and his parents like his it’s no wonder.

EmpressCixi · 04/03/2022 19:55

@MrsSchrute
Thank you, their parents were shit parents. Shit parents do exist and I couldn’t let this child fall through the cracks when I knew they were a good egg. I think the OPs situation is different with this being a boyfriend which is why I think only a few days to try and keep his life- the training he is doing- from completely derailing could be managed. This is of course, only if he isn’t trouble. If he’s in a gang or shady or on drugs, then would agree nope, don’t let him in the house.

Arabellla · 04/03/2022 19:56

The fact that he was ‘furious’ says it all. He expects to say long term, don’t let him.

KeepingAnOpenMind · 04/03/2022 20:02

I feel sorry for the lad with such dead beat parents.