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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say no fucking way.

529 replies

Rosebel · 04/03/2022 18:07

My DD is 15 and she has a boyfriend who is 16. He used to live near but moved to London with his dad.
His dad has kicked him out and he's asked to come and stay with us. Initially I thought this was a one night thing but after talking to him it sounds like he wants to stay until he sorts something out.
In reality I don't want him staying for one night let alone temporarily. However I feel bad leaving a 16 year old alone without his parents.
I'm surely not unreasonable to say no am I?

OP posts:
pinkyredrose · 04/03/2022 20:02

If the police are involved they can refer him to the relevant body's for help.

Seashor · 04/03/2022 20:03

I couldn't sleep knowing a 16 year old was in trouble. I'd let him stay and I'd definitely try to help him. Poor lad.

EmpressCixi · 04/03/2022 20:04

@Theyulelog
I agree with your post except think this is a bit much.
he’s going to be taking the dd down with him
That’s a real stretch. Someone staying a few days isn’t going to derail OPs DDs life. OP wouldn’t allow it to come to that for one.

And while I agree OP should not feel bad, sometimes emotions like regret still do happen to us. OP seems very caring and anxious to not regret whatever support she does or does not offer. There is a balance that can be struck even if it is support without the boyfriend actually staying in her home. Perhaps he has friends from when he lived there that he could stay with instead of in house with 15yr old girlfriend where he’d be sofa surfing that OP could help arrange with her DD giving her names/contacts? Lots of options to consider.

Rivermonsters · 04/03/2022 20:09

Don’t you have to be 18 to rent a hotel?

Rivermonsters · 04/03/2022 20:09

Hotel room**

HoneyItIsntGoodLuck · 04/03/2022 20:10

Perhaps he has friends from when he lived there that he could stay with instead of in house with 15yr old girlfriend

Exactly.

Where are the parents of the friends he will have known a lot longer?

Why are they not being hit up?

Why isn’t he ‘furious’ with any of them?

EmpressCixi · 04/03/2022 20:12

I would not hold him being “furious” against him. It’s a shocking and scary situation to be tossed into the streets as a child. Many people react to dangerous situations with anger when they grasp at lifelines and they slip through their hands.

OppsUpsSide · 04/03/2022 20:15

I would say no because I wouldn’t want my DD to end up feeling trapped in the relationship further down the line

gamerchick · 04/03/2022 20:18

@Seashor

I couldn't sleep knowing a 16 year old was in trouble. I'd let him stay and I'd definitely try to help him. Poor lad.
Cool, send OP your address and I'm sure it can be arranged. That goes for anyone else who would take him in. Sorted OP.
SoItWas · 04/03/2022 20:18

"I probably should clarify that my DD said her boyfriend was furious"

"Well there's a red flag"

Absolutely a red flag. He already expects your daughter to fix his problems, and is getting angry when she can't/won't.

He's young and scared, and possibly feels he has no where else to turn, but I actually think he was being very unreasonable, to ask your dd in the first place.

I agree he needs to either go home, until he can sort something, he could try to get a job, save for a deposit on a room in a student area, wait it out, keep studying and apply for uni/student residence if he can, phone ss to explain he's 16 and homeless. Or find someone else to stay with, if at all possible.

momtoboys · 04/03/2022 20:21

Absolutely not. You do not want to take this on.

Livelovebehappy · 04/03/2022 20:22

I would allow him for a couple of nights. Just because it’s a nice thing to do, and the streets are no place for a 16 year old. Whilst he’s at yours you can explore what options are available to him. And maybe his dad may have calmed down after a night or two, and he can return home anyway. I remember having a huge row with my mum mid teens and she threw me out. I went to stay with my best friends family for a couple of nights, then returned home when we’d both calmed down.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 04/03/2022 20:23

@Rosebel

At the moment he's in a hotel so he's not on the streets. We are due to move in 8 days and am feeling stressed and pressured. His mum is abusive and he's NC with her. I probably should clarify that my DD said her boyfriend was furious, I haven't spoken to him. The nice part of me says let him stay until Monday but the other part of me thinks what then? The house we're moving to is a council house and he won't be able to stay then as it's a 5 person house. I said to DD I will ring SS but he doesn't want to go in to a home /hostel so I wonder how "homeless" he really is.
he has no right to be "furious".

Disappointed, yes - but not furious. He will be trouble.

butterpuffed · 04/03/2022 20:28

@KeepingAnOpenMind

I feel sorry for the lad with such dead beat parents.
I do too. Most of the MNers don't though, always ready to have a go at someone they've never met.
HootOwl · 04/03/2022 20:36

@gamerchick

if he's been kicked out (do you just have his word for it?) There will be a reason for it. Nobody just kicks 16 yr olds out 'usually' and the fact he's mad at you would be a no from me. Tell him you're informing SS and would like his dad's phone number please.
Wrong. My parents did it to me because they were horrible, abusive people.

Maybe things have changed now but back then SS said that nobody already over 16 could be placed in care, and the Council and homeless service said they only provide help for adults 18+. So unless things have changed significantly he's just fallen down a hole in the system and nobody will help him. It took me years and years to dig myself out of that situation.

Original poster
Rosebel · 04/03/2022 20:37

I feel sorry for him too. Unfortunately my priority is my own children and I am offering him support.
I don't want to be on here in 6 months time because my DD is pregnant.

OP posts:
HootOwl · 04/03/2022 20:38

@LikeABreathRipplingBy

He's a kid who needs help. Can't believe how hard people are. At the least you could offer him a week and help him get sorted. We took in DS' girlfriend when she was homeless. They have since split up but we view her as our own daughter now - we're still the people who do all the parental stuff for her. It was very difficult, but no regrets. She is now at university - and would be in a very different place without our help.
You sound like wonderful people and she is incredibly lucky.
Satansballsacks · 04/03/2022 20:39

You are absolutely right, OP. Hold firm.

HootOwl · 04/03/2022 20:41

@BoredZelda

But if his own flesh and blood can't live with him, I'm sure it will be a strain at the very least for you.

His own flesh and blood like his mother who abused him and his father who presumably did nothing to protect him from it, that flesh and blood you mean?

This.

He is still a child. Why are you blaming him for his parents' total failure to look after him or even put a roof over his head?

Newsflash: many parents are abusive to their children.

SpaceshiptoMars · 04/03/2022 20:42

If your daughter's Dad was living with you, it might be different. He'd have a stern eye out for your daughter's safety, and the young man would be less likely to turn into a night prowler. There would also be 2 adults to firmly tell him when it was time to move on. You barely know this guy and you have 2 even younger children - it's got safeguarding question marks all over it. Really not a situation you want to be bounced into.

Also let's face it, our own children can end up staying well into their twenties, thirties even - will you be in a position to do this for him?

HootOwl · 04/03/2022 20:49

@HoneyItIsntGoodLuck

Perhaps he has friends from when he lived there that he could stay with instead of in house with 15yr old girlfriend

Exactly.

Where are the parents of the friends he will have known a lot longer?

Why are they not being hit up?

Why isn’t he ‘furious’ with any of them?

"Hit up"?!?

How unkind some of these posts are. Sad

AlternativePerspective · 04/03/2022 20:51

Well, it doesn’t sound as if he was kicked out if his father reported him missing.

Also, how is he staying in a hotel,most hotels won’t allow under 18’s without an adult.

I can’t see if you answered here OP, but how does your DD know this lad? Have they even met in RL? Have you met him?

WaterTheBasil · 04/03/2022 20:54

How unkind some of these posts are.
What do you mean?

NeverDropYourMooncup · 04/03/2022 20:58

unless things have changed significantly he's just fallen down a hole in the system and nobody will help him

They have.

He has a right to SS support, whether with a foster family or somewhere else. He will receive support until he is 25, all the way through education/training and into adulthood.

But only if he enters the system.

I was in an abusive home. My solution was to move into my boyfriend's parents' home.

DD1 was born just over a year after I didn't do very well at my A levels, because my boyfriend wanted me to spend all my time with him and not waste it on homework or revision.

We split up nine months later.

Original poster
Rosebel · 04/03/2022 20:59

@AlternativePerspective

Well, it doesn’t sound as if he was kicked out if his father reported him missing.

Also, how is he staying in a hotel,most hotels won’t allow under 18’s without an adult.

I can’t see if you answered here OP, but how does your DD know this lad? Have they even met in RL? Have you met him?

Yes he used to live locally but moved with his dad to London so they have met several times and used to see each other at school. I have seen him but don't really know him.
OP posts: