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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say no fucking way.

529 replies

Rosebel · 04/03/2022 18:07

My DD is 15 and she has a boyfriend who is 16. He used to live near but moved to London with his dad.
His dad has kicked him out and he's asked to come and stay with us. Initially I thought this was a one night thing but after talking to him it sounds like he wants to stay until he sorts something out.
In reality I don't want him staying for one night let alone temporarily. However I feel bad leaving a 16 year old alone without his parents.
I'm surely not unreasonable to say no am I?

OP posts:
SpiderVersed · 04/03/2022 18:24

Letting him stay for the weekend would be reasonable if you were feeling particularly compassionate - sometimes a weekend is all that's needed to diffuse a situation.

But no, YANBU to tell them he can't stay. He needs to go to his other family members.

I wouldn't pin much hope on SS - they are so hopelessly overstretched and under-resourced. I know a lad from Leeds whose closest placement was Liverpool. Another was placed at a home in Norwich. There are just no places.

Original poster
Rosebel · 04/03/2022 18:25

He is a nice kid but ultimately is still a child. I mean the two of them being together all the time would probably kill their relationship.
Given that he's doing training over 100 miles away from us is a massive deal. I really don't want some 16 year old who I know but not very well living here.
I feel I have to do something and am going to try and get in touch with SS.

OP posts:
Arabellla · 04/03/2022 18:26

There is no way he’d leave once OP allows him to stay.

Akire · 04/03/2022 18:27

You wouldn’t get in trouble at 16 SS will mostly let a teen stay anywhere. Weekend maybe with leaving message with out of hours Social services then plan to support him Monday going down local council and wait to see where they refer you to.

If you decide he can’t stay would be taking down local police station or homeless charity what else can you do? Can’t leave him on the pavement.

YukoandHiro · 04/03/2022 18:27

Don't do it, as PP have said. At 16 your daughter is too young to understand the pressure it would put on the household or the stress of moving etc. Its totally natural of her to be furious, but you need to talk to her about how by letting him stay it means he's seen as having had somewhere to go and gets his parents off the hook for being absolutely horrific.
And report to SS if he doesn't go to stay with other family. He's a minor and needs proper support.

missnevermind · 04/03/2022 18:28

I couldn't even offer him a bed for the weekend. Because what happens on Monday morning when he still has nowhere to go and you would be the worst parent in the world if the boyfriend then had to leave but wouldn't.

TheVanguardSix · 04/03/2022 18:28

He expects you to house him (hence the fury)?
Double 'no way in hell' from me.

WouldIwasShookspeared · 04/03/2022 18:31

The fact he's furious at your reluctance would make it a hard no from me.

WouldIwasShookspeared · 04/03/2022 18:32

Where is his mum?

NeverDropYourMooncup · 04/03/2022 18:32

He might have been kicked out (and in which case, he needs Social Services' help) or it could be a cock and bull story cooked up between the two of them so they can live together.

Either way, YANBU

gamerchick · 04/03/2022 18:33

if he's been kicked out (do you just have his word for it?) There will be a reason for it. Nobody just kicks 16 yr olds out 'usually' and the fact he's mad at you would be a no from me. Tell him you're informing SS and would like his dad's phone number please.

Howshouldibehave · 04/03/2022 18:35

The fact they were furious with you would mean it was an absolute no from me! Why has his dad kicked him out?

after talking to him it sounds like he wants to stay until he sorts something out.

How long is that going to take a 16 year old to achieve?! It could be 10 years!!

Where is he physically now?

thepeopleversuswork · 04/03/2022 18:35

YANBU. Not your problem and very unfair of them to try to make it your problem. It's troubling and sad for the boy but you really don't want to get embroiled for all the reasons stated above.

Could you contact the dad and say in a neutral way that this is the situation you find yourself in and is he aware that he is desperate?

It may well be brinkmanship on the part of the dad. But you need to make it clear you're not going to step into the breach.

MissLucyEyelesbarrow · 04/03/2022 18:36

No, this is a bad thing to do, becayse it puts your child in the situation it’s impossible to dump him

Really important point.

Dragongirl10 · 04/03/2022 18:36

Just no

JellybabyGina87 · 04/03/2022 18:38

No I don't think it's right. She'd be living with her boyfriend at age 15, that would be my main concern over anything else. Too much, too young. And would be hard to draw up boundaries.

hauntedbillybass · 04/03/2022 18:40

I'd be tempted to text his parents to find out what's happened.

Are you sure they've kicked him out, as opposed to them falling out and him wanting to stay elsewhere?

Lollypop701 · 04/03/2022 18:46

No as once he is there how will you kick him out again? They are not furious, but are probably scared that their fall back position isn’t available- if they were counting on it it probably made him more confident in his behaviour at home. In addition if he’s at your house social will not step in as you will be default carer. It’s unhealthy for your dd, even if she doesn’t see it now. Help with accessing support absolutely but other than that it’s a bad idea

CheshireChat · 04/03/2022 18:47

No way.

But that doesn't mean no support whatsoever, you can help him contact SS and be a supportive adult, whether that's the occasional dinner or a bit of advice.

Was he really kicked out or did he fall out with his parents and he and your DD figured it would be a brilliant idea to live together?

thedefinitionofmadness · 04/03/2022 18:48

I'd let him stay. On the proviso of absolute honesty regarding the circumstances; an active plan to find suitable acccomodation/go home; and time limited.

Cheesecake53 · 04/03/2022 18:48

YABU. I would let him stay. I cannot believe how heartless people are and hope Karma gets you.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 04/03/2022 18:49

DD and her boyfriend are furious with me

It's predictable that your DD would whinge, but why is he doing the same?
Even if was an acceptable idea nobody gets to ask a huge favour like this and then strop if it's refused - or rather they can try, but their attitude would just create an even firmer "no" from me

You might consider telling them both that how they've handled this has been a factor in your decision; after all it's a useful learning point for the future

MrsSchrute · 04/03/2022 18:51

@thedefinitionofmadness

I'd let him stay. On the proviso of absolute honesty regarding the circumstances; an active plan to find suitable acccomodation/go home; and time limited.
This. Working in the homeless sector, I just could not let this happen to someone I know. If you can put him up while he finds something more permanent, I would do that. He is still a child, help him.
PiperPosey · 04/03/2022 18:52

I would definitely want to know explicitly what he was kicked out for before I make a further comment.
RED Flag..
And another big flag for me is that he and DD are furious with you.

Pinkbonbon · 04/03/2022 18:53

If he is furious at you then he most certainly is not a nice boy. I'd be advising my daughter that too. That a normal person wouldn't be furious at someone for not letting them stay because they'd realise they had no right to stay in someone else's house. He sounds like a wrongun.