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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say no fucking way.

529 replies

Rosebel · 04/03/2022 18:07

My DD is 15 and she has a boyfriend who is 16. He used to live near but moved to London with his dad.
His dad has kicked him out and he's asked to come and stay with us. Initially I thought this was a one night thing but after talking to him it sounds like he wants to stay until he sorts something out.
In reality I don't want him staying for one night let alone temporarily. However I feel bad leaving a 16 year old alone without his parents.
I'm surely not unreasonable to say no am I?

OP posts:
Stompythedinosaur · 04/03/2022 18:53

I wouldn't. It is too full on for your dd to be living with a boyfriend.

I would offer help by supporting him to contact appropriate services for support.

LikeABreathRipplingBy · 04/03/2022 18:54

He's a kid who needs help. Can't believe how hard people are. At the least you could offer him a week and help him get sorted.

We took in DS' girlfriend when she was homeless. They have since split up but we view her as our own daughter now - we're still the people who do all the parental stuff for her. It was very difficult, but no regrets. She is now at university - and would be in a very different place without our help.

HomeHomeInTheRange · 04/03/2022 18:54

I would take him in until a longer term solution is found.

And I would support him to find d that solution.

There would be rules, including that I would check in regularly with Dd and at the first sign of her wanting things to change he would be out.

He’s doing well if he has a job.

I would be helping him find out the right agencies to speak to.

wildseas · 04/03/2022 18:54

I agree with not letting him stay more long term but if his parents have really kicked him out at 16 that’s a huge deal.

I’d be asking for their number to get the other side of the story and if they really have kicked him out then I’d pay for a bnb for him for a few nights and support him to contact social services

themonkeysnuts · 04/03/2022 18:55

not a chance, their attitude for one, would he actually stay downstairs for 2 (sex ideas) and how would you get him out for 3

1forAll74 · 04/03/2022 18:57

No way. They will both try and make you out as being unreasonable at the age they are, but don't go along with this at all.It could cause all sorts of problems for you in many ways. You can often feel sad about the plights of some younger people, but if they are sensible, they ought to try and get some help with this kind of problem.

Seasidemumma77 · 04/03/2022 18:57

Phone children's services, they have someone one duty 24/7. Talk the situation through with them, seek their advice and help

Puzzledandpissedoff · 04/03/2022 18:58

Was he really kicked out or did he fall out with his parents and he and your DD figured it would be a brilliant idea to live together?

I wondered that myself, but unfortunately OP's unlikely to get to the bottom of this story.
Even the dad's account would just be a "version" - one the boy would no doubt dispute - and it's not something I'd want to get in the middle of

I'd support him in accessing proper advice though ...

BOOTS52 · 04/03/2022 18:59

I would let him stay for a week but would have a talk with him to make it clear that it is only for that amount of time and would try to help him sort out something as would not like to see a young teenager out on the street. Very vulnerable at that age and would help out if I could but would not be permanent help.

nauticant · 04/03/2022 18:59

His dad has kicked him out

But what does that mean? I've seen young people having a massive row with their parent(s) and storming out being referred to as "thrown out".

doodleygirl · 04/03/2022 19:00

He is 16, even if you don’t let him stay, you do need to help him.

bumblefeline · 04/03/2022 19:00

@Cheesecake53

YABU. I would let him stay. I cannot believe how heartless people are and hope Karma gets you.
WTF? That Karma's coming right back at you.

I wouldn't house him either OP.

BOOTS52 · 04/03/2022 19:01

Well done to Likeabreathripplingby. You probably got her life on track and she will be forever grateful. A really good thing you done there. Some teenagers have it tough and some parents are just awful and are not there for their children so I would also help him out. Obviously they would not be in same bedrooms or anything. Some people forget they were once those young teenagers themselves and some have it a lot tougher than others.

KoalafiedAwesome · 04/03/2022 19:03

I would let him stay. However, ultimately if you do - he is unlikely to be offered accomodation through social services; so if you say yes, say yes knowing it will likely be long term.

Social services have out of hours emergency teams; you can contact them - but it has to be in the borough he has been living in London I think.

Dontbeme · 04/03/2022 19:04

He used to live near but moved to London with his dad

So loosely translated he doesn't like living with his dad and has decided that your home would be handy to be close to his old mates and girlfriend. How is he expecting to continue his training when it's a hundred miles away? So that's his course out the window, so what are the odds you end up with him camping out in your dd bedroom and unable to get him to do anything other than father your grandchild?

Does he have no other family, have you spoken to his dad to find out what actually happened?

WonderfulYou · 04/03/2022 19:05

I would let him stay for the weekend or until X date but make it clear that it’s only temporary and he’ll need to leave on that date as you don’t have the room for him to stay there permanently and you don’t want him to risk loosing his training course (so you’re thinking of his best interests).
Tell them you will help him find somewhere to stay by ringing SS so he can finish his training.

He’s a 16 year old and you don’t want him to end up on the street.
But you also don’t want this to become a permanent thing which can easily happen if you don’t set an end date.
Your DD could panic and run off with him so I would tread carefully.

Chances are this is just a spat between him and his dad and he’ll be back home in a couple of hours so you don’t want to fall out with DD over nothing.

Rivermonsters · 04/03/2022 19:05

Did he give a reason why his dad kicked him out?

BeHappy91818 · 04/03/2022 19:06

@doodleygirl

He is 16, even if you don’t let him stay, you do need to help him.
No she doesn’t. He’s not her childConfused he has his own parents to help him.

OP I wouldn’t house him either and their attitude stinks! How he has the cheek to be furious with you is ridiculous. Stand your ground.

saraclara · 04/03/2022 19:07

Taking him in for any amount of time is a barrier to the problem with his father being resolved. And I think that's what you have to say to them both. Living 100 miles away from his training is also going to risk him continuing with it.

Talk to them both. You're not being awkward, but the lad needs to understand that living with you isn't the answer. I'd offer him a week, and the offer of supporting him in finding organisations that might help him local to his dad and his training location.

StScholastica · 04/03/2022 19:08

You have younger children to think about. You need to safeguard them first and foremost.
Then your 15 year old DD needs to focus on her exams, has she got GCSEs this year?
I'd help as much as I could but no way would I let him move in. Do you have any older relatives he could lodge with?

Original poster
Rosebel · 04/03/2022 19:09

At the moment he's in a hotel so he's not on the streets. We are due to move in 8 days and am feeling stressed and pressured.
His mum is abusive and he's NC with her. I probably should clarify that my DD said her boyfriend was furious, I haven't spoken to him.
The nice part of me says let him stay until Monday but the other part of me thinks what then?
The house we're moving to is a council house and he won't be able to stay then as it's a 5 person house.
I said to DD I will ring SS but he doesn't want to go in to a home /hostel so I wonder how "homeless" he really is.

OP posts:
BOOTS52 · 04/03/2022 19:09

Good advise from Wonderfulyou.

PinkSyCo · 04/03/2022 19:09

I’m sure your DD wouldn’t agree, but I think you’d be doing a massive disservice to her to allow her to cohabit with her boyfriend at such a young age. It just doesn’t seem right or healthy, even if he does say he will sleep on the couch. Also, unless the bf’s dad is a complete bastard, he must have done something pretty bad to have been kicked out. Where’s his mum in all this and does he have grandparents and/or older siblings?

Collaborate · 04/03/2022 19:09

You wouldn't get in to trouble for having him. though it might put your daughter ill at ease.

You would have to notify the LA that you are "accommodating" him, and you could claim child maintenance from both parents under the CMS.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 04/03/2022 19:09

For all those saying let him stay "just a week" ... what do you imagine a 16 year old boy could sort out in that short time, especially when SS wouldn't bother because the "roof over his head" box is ticked?

Let's at least be honest about this and say that, if OP housed him, she'd be stuck long term - and that's without the stink DD may kick up about him leaving once he was in situ
Unless she'd fallen out with him by then of course, and that's another potential nightmare right there